My son, who is 7, has never had a problem in day care, school, at a friend's house, playing outside, etc. He is also fine if grandparents or the occasional babysitter are watching him. But lately he is very anxious if he is not on the same floor of the house as me. For example, if he is playing in his room and I go down to the basement to do laundry, he has a little freak out. He also gets very upset if I take out the garbage (just outside the back door) and other similar tasks. When he goes to bed he's been calling down at least 10 times before he falls asleep, saying things like, "tell me if you are going into the basement" or just wanting to know what I'm doing. I never leave him alone in the house or do anything that would obviously trigger his feelings that I'm going to disappear. Nothing out of the ordinary has happened lately and when I ask him about it he just says "I don't know." Any thoughts? Any ideas of how I can ask more specific questions to try to get to the root of the problem?
That's exactly what our son use to do.
I just thought of it as a stage he was going through.
I accepted it and had him help me with what ever I was doing.
Within a year he started getting so busy playing that I'd ask if he wanted to come with me down stairs to do whatever - and he was fine with staying where he was and playing.
Are you responding each time to his calls when he's in bed? Stop.
I would put a stop to this. Tell him, "You have nothing to worry about because I would never leave you, but you do not need to know every second where I am. Stop asking me where I am over and over."
He does not need you to tell him wherever you are in the house. The most you would say in a normal situation is "I'm going to be doing laundry today, bring me your basket." He should be able to deduce that you might be in the basement, might be somewhere folding laundry, etc. Stop feeling the need to play into this or reassure him. Start allowing him to use his head and think through things. You're in the basement...he freaks out. Instead of reassuring him because you didn't tell him exactly where you are, make him thing for himself, "Mommy said she was going to be doing laundry today. Where does mommy go to do laundry? That's right. Unless you're going to do laundry too, you can stay upstairs and play with your Legos." Don't call attention to his freakout. Don't allow him to control everyone due to his anxieties.
Yeah, my kids all do this at times. There comes a point where you need to lay down the law and say, "I'm the mom, I can go in the basement if I want, you need to not scream at me." And then just go about your business. This is one of those things that WILL get worse if you pander to it. The last thing you need is a kid telling you when you can and can't move around your house or go on your porch etc without freaking out. I'm not saying it's easy. My third child is very intense and sensitive. She's the most emotional about separation. She has the hardest time leaving for school etc. I know it's her nature. She's very bright and creative and a future tortured artist for sure..she cries when a sad melody comes on the radio.....but still. She can't keep me captive in my home. I do reprimand her for yelling at me and freaking out when I leave her "alone" to go cook a meal or move the laundry. I say, "I'm going downstairs now. No fits. You can come with me or stay here but no crying." And she usually comes with.
Usually by bed time I am so exhausted from my day that by the time one of them tries yelling "MOM" from bed I'm just like "NOOOOO!!!!!!!!" and they don't push it. :)
Some of the brightest and most creative children can really freak them selves out. I remember scaring myself worse than any movie, book or TV show.
Our daughter is the same. She could be brushing her teeth and all of a sudden imagine someone was hiding in the linen closet! I remember her running out of the bathroom one morning like a bat out of He!! and saying, "I just scared myself!" Ha!
It is best to have an ongoing conversation with him about how your home is safe. You would not leave and go anywhere without telling him first.
Alsop make it a rule "We do not yell across the house, we walk to find the other person and speak with them." The exception is if there is a fire or someone has hurt themselves, of course.
Remind him, if he needs something, he needs to walk around the house to find you.
Where are the 3 places in the house where he is most likely to find you at any time? In our home it is the living room, the kitchen or the bathroom.
If our daughter could not find me in these 3 places, I would probably be in the garage or the front yard.
Work this out with your son. He really is frightened. Children become more and more aware of their surroundings as they mature. It is a phase, it is real, so just be very matter of fact about it.
I'm sorry he's so anxious.
You may believe that nothing out of the ordinary has happened lately - but to him, there may have been something that upset him that would not even register on an adult's radar. You'd be surprised how kids can get anxious over things that they are trying to process mentally that we parents never know about.
Is he still having no problems at all when you leave him at school? At day care or other people's houses? Is he clingy or reluctant for you to leave him at all when he wasn't before? It sounds like the answer is no, and if so -- that's good. You need to find out what it is about home that makes him anxious when other places or your leaving him in other places do not have this effect.
So think through his day and his environment:
Is it possible that he saw even part of a scary movie or TV show, or played or just saw some of a scary video game, at another kid's house if not at your house? Our daughter was able to hear the TV in her room since our house is very small, so when she was little we had to take care to use closed captioning so she couldn't hear TV after she was in bed.
Does he watch any TV or play video games or games on a smartphone (even innocent little games, not scary ones) at any time in the hours before bedtime? Pediatric studies have shown that kids who watch any screens of any type within two hours or so of bedtime have their sleep disturbed -- even if the content is "kid-friendly." The flickering screen is very stimulating, again, even if it's slow, kiddie content. If he's doing screen time anywhere near bed, he may be stimulated and sleeping badly leading to nightmares.
Is there a chance that something in his room that was once OK is now scaring him? Night lights can cast weird shadows that we adults don't notice but that kids see and fear. A moved chair, a blanket thrown over the back of something can cast disturbing shadows. Sit in his room with him after lights out and have him look hard at things with you.
Is it possible that he has heard something on the news, or from kids at school, about real-life cases where people disappear from their own homes? I can see that a kid would be jumpy about mom taking out the trash if he's heard from classmates about how a parent went out the door and never came back. Kids do try to scare each other with stories, real and imagined.
Has he possibly read, or been read, any books that depict kids on their own without any parents around? A LOT of kids' books these days are set in worlds where no parents are evident or taking part in the action, and many a classic kids' book and Disney movie pictures characters whose parents are not present or who are dead.
Pick over those kinds of things and then talk to him. He may still say "I don't know" when you talk to him -- if so, let it go, don't try too hard to drag a specific reason out of him, and for a while, just tell him when you're going to the basement or taking out the trash.
Even better, have him come down with you to help with the laundry, or have him take one trash bag alongside you so you take it out together -- that will distract him and engage him, and get his mind off whether you'll vanish. Just announce and reassure and don't overtalk it for now.
If it persists for months or gets worse, it would then be time to see the school counselor with him first, and go from there. But it sounds as if maybe he got a scare somehow, and is processing it. Just do what he wants for now and let him know where you'll be -- that is not coddling him, that's just reassuring him, and will make him more confident.
