7 Year Old Suddenly Not Answering Questions/talking (Edited)

What was the incident where he "disobeyed" you?

He's only 7. I think you need to lighten up about this whole thing. If he doesn't want to talk for a few days, don't make him talk. Why are you making him "use his words" to ask you to cuddle him? What's wrong with "Mommy, mommy?" You know he wants a cuddle, so go cuddle him.

FYI, boys/males are not usually big discussers of their emotions.

Seriously, stop being so serious about this and he will probably open up. He's only in second grade and this is hardly going to be the worst thing that ever happens to him.

Wow, I am going to guess, he is feeling extreme shame.

I remember this about myself as a child. one time.

What helped was that my mom promised me no matter what I told her I was feeling or what had happened she would not be mad. She said I could even use bad words to tell her.

I was able to get a bit of it out, but it was so difficult. It was not my fault, but I just felt like somehow I had brought this on myself.

I am going to guess either something was been done to him.. or he feels he did something bad to someone else. It probably is not nearly as bad as he thinks..

Give him time.

You know your child best. If he needs to be left alone to talk, or if he needs lots of time right next to you or his father.. for him to open up to you..

Maybe he is a story teller, and artist.. what ever his thing is to be able to share what is going on..

Give him space and time..

Space, time, an outlet, play therapy. Look around your area for a counselor that does play therapy, call and ask.

Try some one on one, side by side, playing with him, 20-30 mins a day.
They have trouble face to face talking about stuff but do better when engaged in something else. It will come out. Ask the counselor for ways of helping him to discharge these feelings.

You have gotten some good answers here about things like giviing this a little more time; behaving normally yourself and not giving this too much emphasis; not questioning him too much just now; giviing him comfort no matter what; and so on.

What I would add: It's a huge red flag to me that the counselor, principal and teacher ALL are dismissing this and saying he's just defiant and is not being bullied. It sounds as if you have some specific reasons for thinking he is being bullied (you don't go into details but I suspect you have some--?). Unless the counselor has really spent some one-on-one time with him since the incident where he disobeyed (and which started this cycle of problems), how can the counselor make such a fast determination that it's only "defiance"?

I would give this a little more time but if he does not return to normal behavior soon, I'd ask the pediatrician for a referral to a play-based counselor who has a lot of experience with kids this age. It couldn't hurt and it does not mean he's deeply troubled or has some need for years of therapy; it just may take a trained person to draw him out -- and to help you adults figure out more effective ways to get him to respond.

But as for the school, that is troubling to me that all three key adults there are being so swiftly dismissive. It sounds to me as if they have a bad case of "Typical kid stuff, over-reacting mommy, we know better" attitude. YOU know your child best and you know that this is not normal for him. Once you get this sorted out, either through time and his just calming down, or through a little professional help, I would then always keep an eye on this school's administration and staff since they are so quick to be unhelpful....

Why would you insist that he use his words when he's asking for comfort? I suggest that he's feeling anxious because you are requiring that he do certain things before you'll show him love. Hugging him when he's vulnerable and unable to use his words is the way to show love.

I suggest that you use the times when he seems to need extra attention to help him relax and be able to talk with you. Give him the hug, hold him, do what you'd ordinarily do when he's ask directly. Do not force him to use his words. When you do that you are in reality pushing him further away from you.

It sounds like you may be trying too hard to convince him you love him. When you try too hard it gives the opposite message that you're having to convince both of you of your love. I suggest that you relax and let him be the way he's feeling like being. Don't try to get him to act any differently. Tell him you know he's feeling anxious and that's OK. Continue to relate to him in the same way.

It's normal for kids to sometimes not want to talk, to not answer the simple questions. Just let him be.

As for being defiant, I agree that this could be an indication that he's being bullied. What does the counselor think is going on? I would think that with all the adults watching at school they'd know if he was being bullied.

If this started at the same time as when he disobeyed. I suggest that this behavior may be more about that. What did he do or not do? Perhaps there is more to it than what you've recognized. What were the consequences, those given by you and the other parents as well as the natural ones? What was his response when you talked with him about it? What did you say to him? How is the other child acting? What did his parents do about it?

Again, I would back off at this point. All these people talking with him has made this situation and his behavior much more important that it is. I suggest it's traumatizing to him. He's thinking on some level, this must be really disastrous for everyone to be so concerned. Now, I'm really scared. Of course his thoughts aren't so organized or obvious to him. He's reacting with some strong feelings which scares him even more.

I would try to go back to acting the way you usually act. Try to ignore his mood for awhile and see if this helps. When he's able to feel loved and accepted (without all those reassuring words) he's more apt to feel comfortable enough to open up with you.

As for his teacher giving him marks for not answering her, I suggest that, too, is the wrong approach. The more someone tries to make us do something we don't want to do the more we will become defiant. It becomes a power struggle. I would hope she'd use more complex ways of dealing with this. Ignoring behavior is an effective way of extinguishing it. When the behavior is not hurting anyone it can be effective.

Please pick something else to take a stand with. A child that needs to be held should not be denied that time no matter if he can talk or not. His need for that is greater than your need for him to use words.

Think about it, he might have felt filled up with your strength after being held and been able to blurt it all out. He "might" have even been able to be healed of this tribulation. Needing to be comforted and loved physically (nurtured) is a basic humane need. Not something to be held back.

Now on the other hand, if he wants to watch TV, play a video game, use the computer to play a game, etc...those are trivial things that he could be denied if he couldn't ask for.

I would not make him use words for food or comfort or other basic needs. Other stuff? Heck yes, he'd be needing to use his words. He'd still get most of it but there would be a time for him to try and speak.

You have a lot of good advice in the other answers too. I did some research in college with children's drawings. It could be that you need to go check out some books through the local library. Read them and see if you can get him to do some drawings. Just normal playtime side by side time. Draw pictures yourself and let him draw what he wants.

For instance, if the child draws a family picture you can look for certain things to see if someone is abusing him. Things to look for would be vacant eyes, gnarly teeth on an adult while the other adults have normal mouths, huge feet or hands totally out of proportion and the others are normal, there are ALL sorts of clues in a child's drawings/art. I learned to much.

Be goofy, draw pictures of your school days alongside him doing the same thing. Start it out like this perhaps.

"I had such a fun day today, I got to do some fun stuff at the park with you. I reminds me of when I was in school....I know what, lets make/color some pictures!!!! I'll draw me outside playing on the playground when "I" was in school and you draw a picture of you outside playing on your playground!!!! Won't that be fun to see?". Making it totally about something fun and then ignoring the rest of what happens while you're drawing is the way to go. Draw like a child would draw. Better than stick figures if you can so you can have facial features and stuff. But his artwork could be a huge window into his mind.

There are so many other ways to get through this block without him realizing it. I do suggest a good therapist too. One that does play therapy and will teach you to do PCIT, parent child interaction therapy. We learned it for free through the local county health department. We are a low income family though. They offer many things that normal people have no idea. Call yours and find out what services they offer to kids.

don't press him for answers... just sit with him, and play, or draw. As he gets more comfortable, he may begin to tell you what is wrong.

Sometimes people feel more comfortable talking in a place where they don't have to look at the person, like in the car...... that might be a place you can talk with him, to reassure him that he can tell you.

Also, since you said he kept telling his friend "no", that the words didn't work there, and that maybe he feels that words won't work for him?

Have you suggested he keep a journal, maybe writing down or drawing any thoughts he has? Maybe he can express himself more in pictures than in words. One of the students I work with (special needs, but middle school age) draws a lot.... he draws pictures or makes "cards" when he is feeling anxious about something, whether it is one of his teachers being absent (he will make cards for them, saying "Get well soon" or "I miss you"), or draw things about stuff he had heard (we recently had a massive explosion at a fertilizer plant about 90 miles away... he has been drawing pictures of burning buildings for several days now...) This is a way he helps get rid of his anxiety.

At this point, if he wants cuddle time, just sit there and hold him. Don't try to get him to talk... just hold him. Don't make it a reward for talking to you.... just show you that you still love him, and accept him as he is.. (I know you do...) Sometimes silence says more than words.

I think he would benefit from some therapy, though..... have you looked into that?

Did he get punished for disobeying you?
Is he not speaking to you over that?
Sounds like he's mad at you.
How did you know he wanted "snuggle time" if he's not talking to you?
He was screaming what words to get you to come back in?

Kids need to know that we love them all the time, even when we don't like their behavior.

I'm sorry, I'm having a hard time understanding this post.

He is still very young. Any simple question can sound like an interrogation. My daughter did not even want to answer "how was school today", but later in the evening when reading stories, or taking off my make-up while she was in the bath she would tell me all about it in her own way, in her own time.

I would not press him but just let him know that you love him and no matter what he feels bad about that is causing him not to talk, NOTHING will keep you from loving him.

Since it only happened "last week" let it have some distance in his mind and maybe it will be easier to talk about. Although you also mention school feels he is "just defiant" - that would make me very angry. It sounds to me that if this is unusual behavior for him that everyone's radar should be up and that especially a counselor would be sensitive to something having happened to him that caused his lack of ability to vocalize what happened.
The school year is almost at an end, they have a lot of history this year of his "normal" behavior.

You are being a good mama to be concerned. I would strongly advocate for him and not allow the teachers/counselors/school to mess him up. You know him best, call him in sick for a few days if you need to, or see the pediatrician for a referral to a specialist and get some advice how to approach this situation.

Maybe he is afraid of disappointing you by telling you that he is being bullied. I can tell you that I have a daughter with selective mutism and forcing someone to talk who is not able to for some reason can backfire. I would have his teacher hold off on the punishment.

Hi Mama, I have a friend whose son had selective mutism. They went to a counselor for individual and family therapy and it really helped. He now chats up a storm but it took some professional intervention. Blessings to you and your little guy.

it must be very disconcerting for you, and i totally get why you're so frantic to get to the bottom of it.
but i'd back off.
all of this probing is probably seeming like an interrogation to the little guy. he DOES know you love him. you don't have to keep hammering on him to let him know it. open the door to discussion, and let him know that you trust him to bring it to you when he's ready.
he might just want to have some private thoughts that he's not forced to share.
khairete
S.

It seems some people have missed your point and went straight to judging you, completely ignoring the issue of your concern.

It sounds like something deeper than defiance.

It takes A LOT of self control to stop talking, especially for such a young child.

I debated on whether to mention this, but, you posted your situation for observations and opinions, right? It worries me that your son may have been traumatized. You mentioned that the other child is a bully. There is usually a reason a child is a bully. Perhaps he did something to your son...

If my cheerful, funny and outgoing son had a sudden change of personality, I would take him to a professional. It's a big deal.

Much love to your son! I hope he can get past this very soon.