Please Tell Me I Am Not Crazy!

Could this be the scenario: Your son brought home a project for which his teacher complimented him and your son was proud of his work. Your husband thought he would "challenge" him by trying to knock him down a peg or two, so to speak. Why didn't your husband say something like, "Hey, buddy, great work. Tell me what you learned about tree roots today; I'd like to hear it."

Not only do I completely agree with you but why on earth is he SO hostile to a 7 year old? He does sound like a bully (based on what you have said in your question). The fact that he got so mad when you tried to talk to him about it just proves this point.. I think you need to get to the bottom of it, yesterday, because if not then it will only make his life with the kids harder. My dad did something sort of like this (he just didn't know how to communicate I guess) and I can still remember things like that from when I was 5 and I pretty much did what I could to just avoid him until I was 21.. I basically just stayed out of his way, sans the attitude year when I was 15 and wanted to defy any authority I could. Even today, I love my dad, but it's nothing like the relationship I have with my mom. So even if you can't change the way he interacts go out of your way to be there for them, he's only making it harder on himself.

Someitmes my husband is hard on my kids, but it's clearly out of love. Sometimes I'm too easy on them, and I do this out of love too. That's ok. We balance each other out. Ying and yang. Good cop, bad cop. But bottom line, we have each others back. My approach to the situation you're in now is to coach my son when we're alone. I teach him to understand dad and what he's looking for. I tell him all the reasons dad is hard on him. I don't want him to resent dad, so I explain dads motives, even if I dont agree with dads method. This is the man you chose to have kids with and the two of you disagree. That's normal. It's just important to work with what you've got and find a way for everyone to meet in the middle. So, coach your kids when dads not around and state your case to dad when the kids are not around. YOu can at least round off the sharp edges that way.

Teach your son the answer "I don't know, Dad, will you explain it to me?"

I consider myself a smart woman, but I don't even understand his QUESTION. What IS the difference between roots of a tree? I would sure like to know! :)

I feel sorry for your son and your family . . . this is inappropriate behavior by your husband imho.

A dad is so critical to a boy's confidence in himself as an emerging man.

I don't think boys should be coddled, either, but this sounds different (sounds like bullying).

Any shot at counseling for you husband? Even under the guise of going together?

Good luck . . .

Having raised 5 smart kids, and being an AVID gardener....I don't understand your husband's question...what does he mean??? Like this is the primary root and these are surface roots??? Those details aren't covered until HS biology. Elementary education is just working on roots, trunk, limbs, leaves.

Ditto Mrs. La....

But honestly Sweetooth, I just answered your other post about your husband's drinking and serious alcoholism...He is losing is frontal lobe ability to reason with you and targeting an innocent child with his anger.

There are differences among tree roots?

I sure didn't learn that when I was seven (or ever), and I don't think it's taught to seven-year-olds today. The fact that trees *have* roots is about as far as little kids get.

Mrslavalie is right - the correct answer is, "I don't know. Will you explain it to me?" And your husband needs to save some of his good questions for your son's high school years.

He needs to learn to say, "Tell me about this," and let his son be *his* teacher. That can be incredibly hard for some people to do, but the reward will be wonderful.

Seems to me that your husband missed an good teaching opportunity with his son. Instead of repeating himself he should have explained the difference or they could have gotten on the computer and found the answer together. It can be frustrating when your child should know something and they don't but if you care enough to be upset, care enough to supply the answer. After reading a few other responses, it seems there may be more going on with your husband and maybe his frustration was misplaced onto your son. I hope it gets better for you and your family.

Yes, your son needs to learn to answer an adult's question when asked. An approporiate example of this would be,

"How was your day?"
"Did you do your homework?"

What is doesn't mean is that your son is required to pull the correct answer out of his butt just because someone asks him to. That would be like me coming up to your husband and saying, "How many scissor tailed flycatchers were born in Oklahoma last year and what is the state rock of Utah?"

It's all about addressing your kids in such away that they aren't feeling set up. If I am suspiscious that every question is a trick question, how many of them am I going to readily answer?

Unless someone is in trouble or disobedient, my rule of thumb is that I want my kids to feel better walking away from me than they did walking toward me.

Sweet Tooth,
You are trying to apply logic to an illogical (addictive) situation. That's not going to work here.
Albert Einstein's definition of insanity is: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Your husband's drinking is affecting his parenting decisions and abilities.

Maybe the time to practice 'direct answers to adults,, which is good, is not when looking at a creation the child did. That's the issue in my opinion. I know one time one of our kids drew a purple cow. Of course they had never seen a purple cow but someone visiting said "purple cow?" and made a big deal out of it and you could just see the child melt when quizzed about cow colors. I was very sad and could see the hurt in the child's face. I hope you can get this through to your husband. Yes, kids should speak up and answer adults, but these are two separate issues in my opinion.

Hi Sweet Tooth, you are an amazing mom.
In essence, i believe you are right. I also believe your husband is doing what he thinks is best for your son, although I agree it is bullying. The good intent is there, but the resultant action can be intimidating to a 7 year old....
So...where to go from here. i had similar issues with my husband. We ended up going to couples therapy for this and other reasons. What I was able to do was to say: "I know you love our son dearly. i am uncomfortable when you do xxxx. I fear we will have the opposite effect than what you or I want. That he will be intimidated....Are you comfortable with y???"
Now, my husband at first did not like my raising this issue, and felt I was interfering. In time, he did slowly change his behavior to enable also a better relationship with his son.

I hope the above helps. The important thing is it sounds like your husband loves your son, so there is a good base to improve things.

Jilly

Is your glass half full or half empty? Its a matter of perspective and your mind set. I wonder what your husband would have said if he was writing his side of this incident. Maybe your husband is somewhat intimidating to your son. Its something YOU and HE need to work on.

Tracy K. has written a perfect answer ! ! !

I'm "harder" on my kids than my wife was. According to my wife I was too harsh. According to me my wife was too easy and a pushover. I can't tell you the number of times my kids were whining and crying and "I can't do it" or "I don't wanna" or "Do I hafta". Sobbing and crying. Then I step in and all of a sudden the clothes get picked up off the floor. The dishes get taken from the table to the sink so they can be washed. The table gets set. The homework gets done. The story gets written. The spelling words get written and definitions get written. My being too harsh and requiring homework be done, and studying be done is the reason I have a validictorian and salutitorian in the family.

For those that commented that they didn't know anything about roots, I was going to just write them down, but the list is too long so here is the Wikipedia article on roots: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tree_root#Anatomy

Good luck to you and yours.

Why when this was going on in front of you didn't you point out it was a yes or no question? That would have solved the issue without all this drama. Either you or your husband for that matter.

That exact conversation could happen with me, my kids say no, I tell them what the difference is and we discuss, we learn. No one learned anything because two adults couldn't point out to the child it is a yes or no question.

So to answer your question no, it doesn't have to be a constant fight but the adults have to be willing to instruct when the child clearly doesn't get that a yes or no is required, not excuses. Especially when he wasn't being blamed for not knowing only asked if he knew. Not knowing something is nothing to be ashamed of, a lot of really smart people do not know everything. What should be embarrassing is not saying you don't know so that you can learn.

So perhaps you need to tell your son the only way he will learn is telling people he doesn't know so they can teach. You also need to tell your husband that kicking a dead horse will not get the answer, tell him you are looking for a yes or no before the frustration sets in.

Just read your what happened: your husband needs to learn how to tell when his pushing is creating a shut down. My ex used to yell at me, I am brilliant, I usually know any answer, if you yell at me I become dumb as a box of rocks. Yelling is my trigger, clearly whatever your husband is doing is a trigger. I do think he loves his son so I am sure he will want to work on that. :)

You're not crazy! You handled it very well. Even though your husband stood his ground when you confronted him, hopefully, he'll take your comments to heart and change! Good luck!!

I personally feel your hubby was out of line, way out of line. Your son was following directions the teacher told them to do, if he wants to teach the class he shoudl of been a teacher. I would of felt just like you and yes I feel he was quelshing his excitment about the picture and crushing his spirit. You stay strong for your son, if he cant put it into words you can for him...your hubby was wrong.
I am always telling my hubby to pick his battles. Your husband needs to also. He is 7 and was answering appropriate for his age.

It'll be ok.

Yes, your husband sounds like a bully. Your poor baby...all he did was draw a picture of a tree for goodness sakes! Its not like he wrote a dissertation on the affects of chemical preservatives during extreme weather changes and how it will change politics as we know it.

That being said, you need to teach your son how to answer anyone when he is asked a question he doesn't know the answer to. along the same lines, you need to keep reinforcing your son's self esteem and let him know as long as he answers, whether its right or wrong, at least he made an attempt to answer his father's questions.

Kudos to your son for trying to come up w/an answer most of us wouldn't know or would ignore. Frowns to your husband (no disrespect) for expecting a child to answer his interrogation like a 30 yr old man.

.

My hubby is like that sometimes. Do you also have a daughter by chance? I get upset with hubby when he is harder on our older boy than our younder daughter (dadies little girl can do no wrong, boy does she have him fooled!) Anyway, I think that sometimes men see it as their duties to make men out of our little boys, and sometimes they think this should start sooner and harsher than us moms do...Tell hubby you understand what he is trying to teach your son and it is important. But he needs to scale it down a bit or your son will just be intimidated and not learn anything.

BTW - My hubby was raised by an absent alcoholic father too. Maybe they are trying to compensate for that? They didn't have a good example and maybe sometimes even try too hard to raise their boys right?

My husband and I disagree as well. He believes our HSP Highly Sensitive person should toughen up. She feels bullied by him and is mad at him. She won't share much with him because he won't listen without interrogating her. He also doubts what she says. It is a serious problem and we are hoping to work through it soon.

No, your not crazy!!!
I understand kids need to learn, but in order to get excited about learning, they need to be applauded for what their "currently" doing~

You are not crazy...I think a lot of men, don't really get kids. It is like they totally forgot their entire childhoods. (My husband actually HAS blocked out huge chunks of his childhood, thanks to an abusive alcoholic father).

Anyways, I would notice my husband doing stuff like what you describe...it was almost like he didn't know what the right thing to do/say/act.

Our church was offering a 18 week parenting class and so I signed us up. I sold it to my husband that I needed more help with discipline and that I wanted him to go and help me remember what was said, so I could be a better mother. And that was true, I did need the class as well...who can't use a place to learn new ways to help raise your children.

My husband got so into the class and so excited about learning how to relate and then effectively correct/discipline our children. He drug me to class one night covered in hives because we couldn't miss. (I missed most of that one because I was falling asleep from all the benedryl).

Anyways that class was a God send to us...maybe you could find something in your community that you and your husband could take together to help him understand children better?

Sending you a huge hug!!