6 Year Old with "Horrible Life"

My daughters are younger, but I taught this age group for a long time and they can be very dramatic. As frustrating as her behavior might be, I would just stay super positive and consistent. If she says that is isn't fair she has to brush her teeth or that you are "making" her do things she doesn't want to do (eating healthy foods, going to bed on time, etc), I would smile and sweetly say, "I think you are very lucky to have a mom who loves you so much that she wants you to be safe and healthy. I ask you to do these things because I love you." And that is the end of the discussion. If she yells at you, calmly tell her that you do not accept that tone of voice and that you are happy to talk about it with her when she can speak to you the right way and then walk away and do something else...end of discussion...until she is ready to speak in a respectful way. Let her know that you are not "mean"...it is her behavior that determines her rewards and punishments...she makes the choices. Send me an email if you want more help with specific situations.

I don't know how your schedule is set up, but if you can, it wouldn't be a bad idea to seek therapy and find out the root of this negativity.
Other than that, you are the mother and she has to learn that she does what you tell her (I mean, you are telling her to brush her teeth, not harm herself!) and that there is no discussion about it.
The thing about spoiling your kids is the more material things you give, the more they want and they are never satisfied because what they really crave and need is you. Even if having you means having some rules like no talking back and doing as they are told.
Perhaps it would be useful if you have a chart to reward her good behavior (like listening and doing what she's told the first time or doing what she should without reminders) and if she likes her possessions then take them away when she crosses the line.
When our oldest was 7 he was becoming extremely aggressive with his mother (and he was also having issues at school). We all went to therapy and we realized that he acted out the most with his mom because she was really busy at work (she was stressed out and spending a lot of hours at work). That was not the only thing going on though. Anyway, we had a chart to follow his good moments as well as his bad spells. He responded to that pretty good. Some kids respond to charts pretty well... maybe yours will as well.
Hope it helps.

She sounds a little like my oldest son. He's older now but always was headstrong. He still goes on about his horrible life if he is down in the dumps about something, but when he's in a good mood he's fine. I do have a couple things I regret and I'll tell you some things to maybe not make the same mistakes I did. First of all, keep trying to keep it conversational. At all costs try not to yell. Also try to stay positive. Maybe pick your battles a little bit. Let a few more things slide, you know? As for baths and teeth brushing, possibly set up a sticker and reward program. But make sure you see her doing the teeth brushing. But then leave it up to her. She doesn't do it (after one reminder), it's her choice not to get the sticker. Then after say a week of perfect stickers, possibly a small toy or something. You want her to feel in control of her life, she sounds like she has a strong personality like my son. We still have battles over showers and he's 11. Also, try to see her as a little kid. Since she is your only one, you may have started seeing her as older. She's still very young. You have time to help her "get happy". Also, ask if there is something specific bothering her, like someone picking on her at school or something. And at this age it would still be ok to intervene. Make sure that when you are with her you give her lots of attention and hugs and so forth. I hope this was helpful.

My 8 year old is the same way. He has ADHD which makes him really hyper too. He thinks life sucks. I figure someday he will realize life wasn't that bad. Hopefully it is just a phase.

Children will test you to see how far they can take you.

Set up date nights with your daughter.

When my hubby was gone for a few months and I was raising the kids by myself, we had Friday night as "OUR" night. We moved the furniture in the lvingroom, cranked the tunes and danced until we couldn't anymore. We had snacks, watched movies and just had fun.

They still remember those Friday nights!!

Sit down and color with your daughter and talk to her. Play a board game with her. Teach her something new. Go for a walk. There are so many things that you can teach your daughter. I have incredible kids. Our daughter was always a little on the negative side, but I just don't give into it. I tell her that she's a child of God and she has greatness in her. And children of God are never unhappy or unloved!

In today's sciety, kids just need to have rules, they need consequences, and in the same breath, they need to know that they are loved unconditionally.

You can't buy happiness.

Do the "fun" stuff!

Love ya!

J.

I agree with the basic theme of the other moms...she needs more happy, quality time with you, and it sounds like most of your time is trying to get her to do the things she needs to do so that most of your time is negative. I fell into that trap with my boys and it really is quite easy and quick to get out of.

One more thing you can try is to check out www.housefairy.org. This practically eliminates you from having to be the "bad/mean mom". Maybe you could sit down with her and ask her if she'd like to play a game with you... I find that when I give my boys (5&7) 15 minutes right when we get home, they are happy and leave me alone to get dinner done...otherwise, they're in my face with everthing like "he hit me!", etc. Another thing is to trade off every 15 minutes...she gets to do something she likes for 15 min WITH YOU, then she does 15 min of chores, 15 minutes of playing alone, you get the idea...

Bottom line is, we all need to know and feel we are loved and wanted and a lot of that is shown by actions and words. Kids understand a lot more than we think they do, and even if they don't, they'll appreciate and understand the time and effort you put into trying to get them to understand why you yelled, why you were mad, why they need to do things they don't like to do, etc.

Also, try to use examples of positive vs negative outlooks on things. Think of it as "The Secret" for kids. Is it really the end of the world and you're the meanest person on earth that you won't let her wear a tank top when it's 30 - 40 degrees out? Ask her what she thinks about it...what are the consequences, etc. Is there another way to look at the situation?

(To be honest, I'm still dealing with this issue with my 5yo...and I finally told him that when he wakes up whining and complaining, it puts everyone else in a bad mood and makes people not like him or want to be around him, but when he starts the day with a smile, everyone has a great day. I can honestly say that we now have more happy days though there are still some days when nothing will make him happy and I tell him it's his choice to be happy, mad, or sad, and there are consequences/effects for each. When I give him the choice to be happy or mad with "effects" of each, he always chooses the happy path...the mad little boy disappears in a matter of seconds.)

I think I rambled on this enough...sorry about that... :)
Good luck...and the first thing you do when you see her is smile and give her a hug...that's always a good start... :)

Well first of all I just want you to know you are not alone. I just pick up this book from the library and it has been amazing. My daughter is 10 and just reading some of it has really helped with in a few days. I know that her and I clash, and hard. We can just look at each other and it will be on. But reading this has really made me stop and think before I say something to her. And most of all gone back and apologized for something that I did wrong or hurt her feelings. Having her see me in this new light has really changed our relationship. I am thankful that we can talk more openly about things. I have some control issues and can be a bit over bearing sometimes. Its something that I’m working on and just telling her that and why has really helped. It has subjects and you just read what pertains to you. It also has some great resources for each subject. I would recommend this book for anyone who has a little girl.

"How to say IT to girls"
by Nancy Gruver.

When she complains, help her identify and acknowledge her feelings without judging whether she should or shouldn't feel them. (ie So you were feeling frustrated with your coat zipper and you got mad when Sacha offered to help you? ) Then help her to move on by talking about your own feelings and how you deal with them. (Oh I get mad when my zipper sticks too and it always seems to happen when I'm in a hurry. And its hard for me to admit when I need help, too. Do you want to practice asking for help with me? ) Then move on yourself. Start talking about the plans or something. Avoid dwelling on things. The bottom line here is that you can try all you like to tell someone how to feel and it doesn't usually work. We can only control our own feelings but actions are another thing altogether.

For the not listening you could try telling her that this is the last warning and the next time she doesn't listen when you tell her to brush, she gets a small consequence like skipping something in the routine that she enjoys or starting the process 10 minutes before her bedtime on the next night. Most six year olds can relate to a consequence on the next day if you remember to follow through with it. When she complies simply say "That was helpful, you brushed your teeth right away. Now we have time for all of our fun bedtime rituals." With an active child, every time you notice and say, "That was helpful.", Their self-esteem goes up because they do want to fit in and be useful in their world. Plus, it encourages her to do what you really want and need her to do which is help!. Good Luck!

Hello B.,

I'm not a therapist or "child" expert so I couldn't say for sure what's going on with your daughter, but she could be doing all these things to get your attention. From the couple Psychology classes I've taken and the one child development course, I learned that if children are unable to get positive attention, they will go for negative. They want you engaged in them and they will do whatever works.

I am also a single mom so I understand your challenges with being a provider balanced with being a mom, and I have made some tough decisions so I could balance between the two. Like I've so far make sure that I work as close to a 40 hour week as possible. I switched to an earlier shift so I would have more time for my daughter. I do not know if any of these options are available to you or even if you asked about doing some of your work from home.

One thing Super Nanny has recommended with parents who do not have much time for their children is to plan one super fun outing a week. You could take her somewhere really cool on a Saturday or Sunday. It doesn't matter what the activity is. It could be the park. Just don't be one of those parents sitting on the park bench while she plays. Play with her and see if her outlook changes.

If you're spending more time with her and engaging her with more positive energy and the negative continues (like a month of consistent effort like this), I would start monitoring what you say just to rule out that the negative attitude isn't being picked up from you.

Let me explain. Sometimes we learn negative behavior from our parents. One thing I have to monitor is how I talk around my daughter when we seem to be going from one illness to another as we have been for this past month. I become very stressed and then I have a habit of talking negatively and how God must hate me because he loves throwing obstacles my way all the time. I learned this talk from my father and while I unlearned this talk for quite some time, I'm noticing it's resurfacing again when I'm under great duress. My daughter is 2 so she's not picked up the talk...yet, but I know if I don't get a handle on it, she could at some point and think the same things.

If you rule out both of these things, then I would recommend getting a professional involved. Either an expert in parenting or perhaps a therapist to root out the causes in your daughter's behavior. I hope this was helpful.

Angie

http://www.accountablekids.com/

This program works really well. It provides structure but allows the child choices, takes the nagging out of chores and helps you focus on having some quality time together. We have been using it with our 5yo son with excellent results. It is much more than the typical chore charts which never worked for us. This program has much more depth to it. It also emphasizes family meetings which have been fantastic for us.

two things come to mind:

one: does she have a hobby or a special interest? Sports? Arts? A good one to try would be to get her an inexpensive digital camera and encourage her to take photos of whatever she feels a connection to. She can earn money doing household chores to print her favorite photos. The ideas are endless for what to do with the printed photos. Wall collages, photobooks, etc. Or she could use an online scrapbook site or online photo album to catalog her photos.

two: she is not too young to have legitimate signs of clinical depression. My symptoms began around age 8 and I did not get treatment until after high school because my parents thought I was just being a normal moody little kid. They simply did not know what to look for. You can have her pediatrician evaluate her for starters.

Additional note from my childhood: If she starts writing dark poetry at some point, please do have her evaluated. I insisted my poetry was "just an artistic outlet", and it can be a wonderful outlet, but it is also I believe, a good sign of depression in preteens. (Lengthy diary entries may also be a good indication- I wrote tons of my angst out that way too,) but please don't read her stuff uninvited. If I wanted my mom to see a poem I wrote, I left it somewhere she would see it.

HUGS!

Hi B.
I am sure your life is very crazy but you may want to see if you can find time to read the five love lauguages of children. You may be spoiling your daughter with material things but that may not be her love lauguage so it may not mean much to her. her love lauguage may be quality time, words of affirmation or physical touch.once you find her love lauguage I assume she would feel like you do spend quality time together and start to listen better.
I do agree that you need to teach her now that she MUST listen to you or she will lose privliges. Good Luck in this difficult parenting adventure. T.

I recommend looking into big brothers/big sisters organization. I know many people that donate their time to take out children and do quality things with them. That may give your daughter some different perspective in life and she may enjoy it.

My experience and understanding is that kids (and people in general) want to be heard. They also want to be loved. I would recommend listening and hugs. Lots of hugs. Might be a phase. Every night before going to bed, I ask my daughter if she had a good and what was the best part. I love the answers. I think this is helping her to focus on the positive and be grateful for the little things. We can never ever have a happy ending to an unhappy journey. Peace,

my daughter went through the same thing - and eventually out grew it - I think it might just be a phase. What we've done in our house is made a chore chart and she gets points for doing things - like brushing her teeth, showering, cleaning her room, picking up stuff around the house. If she doesn't do something, she doesn't get points. If I have to ask her to do something - then she doens't get points. The points can be traded in for a movie, lunch out with mom, money, activites with friends, etc.
Good luck!! D.

This is VERY odd behavior for a six-year-old. I would really listen to your daughter like you would any other child that confides in you. If the neighbor child told you how "miserable" her life was, you would would feel apathy toward her. You are missing a key aspect to your daughters symptoms, she is exhibiting almost ALL of the symptoms for depression. Her inability to follow through with brushing her teeth (forgetting) is poor concentration (another symptom of depression). Irritability, poor concentration, being sad, negativity...are the TOP symptoms of depression. Please don't yell at her and get her some professional help.

I think there are several good ideas on here. That book "How to say IT to girls" sounds like a good idea, and also attempting to make more time for positive things in your one-on-one interactions with your daughter. My daughter has been negative like this off and on since she was about 7 and it really helped to 1) make sure I wasn't harping on her about everything, 2) make time for her one-on-one doing things she really wants, even if it's just playing a board game and 3) see if there is some activity she can get involved with that will boost her self-esteem and confidence, like gymnastics or swimming.
Another recommendation, since she seems to think things are so awful in her life, is for the two of you to do some volunteering together, such as serving food at the homeless shelter or volunteering at an elderly home.