5 Year Old Girl Peeing and Pooping in Her pants....soooooooo Frustrated!!!

I agree with Peg. She is acting out for a reason. This is not about discplining her -- something is going on in her home life that she is unhappy with. She is trying to send you a message, and you need to listen to it.

Is she sad about something? Has there been some trauma in the home? Is she getting enough attention, or are you angry with her a lot?

I think, at 5, she might be able to tell you what is going on. I think you should ask her if she is sad about something; tell her that you think she is pooping in her pants because she is sad or upset about something. Be calm and kind when you tell her this. Then pay attention to what she tells you.

With my daughter, I ended up telling her that if she messed her pants she would have to sit by the washer and dryer and wait until they were clean and dry. A few minutes later, she was sitting in a little chair by the washer. No books, no toys. I set it on one of the shorter wash cycles, but she sat there long enough to be miserable. After the second time, it never happened again. She was 3 1/2. She knew what to do, just preferred to play instead of taking the time to go. I didn't yell at her. I just calmly said, I'm sorry. I told you what would happen. Let's go. Next time, you need to go to the bathroom and use the potty.
I hated it. She cried and it broke my heart (I didn't show it) but it worked.

I have to agree with everyone else, what's going on at home, more specifically, with you?
Of course she will go to kindergarten (why even threaten her?) She obviously has control, but for some reason does not at home and/or with you?
Please spend some one on one time with her, a LOT, and try to figure out why she needs this extra attention.

If she doesn't do this at your mom's house or when you're out and about, it's very likely she'll be able and willing not to mess up at kindergarten. There's something in her interactions with you that has her expressing a 'need' for more control. You are 'going crazy,' and that could actually be her problem. Kids must ultimately have choice about their bodily functions, or they can not really be said to be 'trained.'

In this case, it sounds like the two of you would do well to have some honest, caring, mutually respectful conversation. If you can find out what she perceives she needs, or if you can find out how she sees this problem and what her solutions might be, she might show some real improvement.

Find out how to tease these issues out with the wonderful book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. The book teaches with real-life examples how parents help the child to address the problem himself. And though we don't usually think about young children in these terms. they can be creative problem solvers. Plus, kids are more invested in solutions they think of themselves, and are more likely to work at making them a success.

You're right about the night peeing. It's normal in many kids, and there is no amount of 'training' that can create the physical readiness (bladder capacity, sphincter control, deep-sleep levels, and hormone that reduces night-time urine production). While most children do reach night dryness before school starts, there are an unlucky few who might be as late as adolescence. Believe me, those kids WANT to be dry at night by the time sleepovers with friends start. But some just can't. Be compassionate and keep her in diapers or pullups until she eventually has two straight weeks of dryness.

I would seek professional help. Children regress when they feel overwhelmed or have experienced trauma of some sort. I would be hesitant to have her clean up her own soiling. She is too young to do a proper job. Also I am afraid she might start to feel ashamed of her bodily functions. Try positive reenforcement and lots of patience. Let her know you care for her and are proud of her. Each day that she is successful let her enjoy something special at the end of the day. Like an extra story at night or a bubble bath. On days she is not successful praise her anyway. Tell her you know she is trying and that love her all the same. Children at this age are very visual .. Use a chart with stars and let her earn stars on her successful days in her very favorite color. Also is there a young baby in the house? Because she may see her parents bonding with the baby at changing time. Please be gentle and kind with your daughter. Children are still so young at this age. You and her home need to be her safe, warm loving place to fall. Also ask your mom privately if she has any advice for you and about their routine. Your daughter may get lots of one on one time with her and that might make a difference. Hang in there, and trust me you will never regret being kind to your child.

Sorry!! She knows what she can get away with with you and since there are no consequences for her actions - if you are yelling at her - she is getting attention - doesn't matter if it's negative attention or not - she's getting attention...

Stop making excuses for her and stop cleaning up her messes. Make her clean up her mess. Don't get mad - hand her gloves, etc. and tell her "you made this mess, clean it up." Give her a bag to put her dirty clothes in as well..if she pooped in them - make HER rinse them out.

You will also need to take her to the Doctor and have her blood levels checked for a hormone that works with the liver and kidney for peeing - I can't remember what it's called....any way - you need to ensure there is no medical reason for her to STILL be wetting the bed and herself. It's possible there is a medical reason - if not - then you need to hold her accountable for her actions...consequences for actions...good and bad...

Since she doesn't do it anywhere else , but at home-it's for control/ attention. It's a basic instinct, even animals will do this. It's time for some proactivity and a system of rewards, not punishments. She is expressing herself, and not in a good way. Go back to basics with her, and do not yell or threaten her about not going to kindergarden.

How long has she been doing this????

Maybe... she may be 'stressed' about going to Kindergarten????
Maybe, she has anxiety about it.
Maybe, she knows, if she does this, (since you said she can control it), that she will not have to go to Kindergarten.

Aside from this: IS she 'ready' for Kindergarten... emotionally and per maturity?

She, per you explaining to her, 'knows' that if she does this, she 'cannot' go to Kindergarten.
Maybe, she does not want to go, or is not ready or etc.

Next: Has she... ever been to Preschool or Daycare, or separated from you? Or is this her first time... going to "school?"

And yes, take her to the Doctor and speak to the Pediatrician.

all the best,
Susan

seems to me like she is acting out.... did something happen or any changes take place aroung the time that this started?

When I was potty training my daughter, my mom suggested this to me: Whenever she had an accident, I didn't yell or react except to require her to do all of the clean up. She had to put her dirty clothes into the laundry room, clean up the mess on the floor, and get clean clothes out and change herself. This was quite a process for a 3 year old, and she hated having to do it. Plus she didn't get to see me react or get angry, which she seems to enjoy doing! :) Good luck!

I agree with Cheryl, give her some gloves and in a non-confrontational way tell her she must clean up her messes. It's okay to help her but let her do a majority of the work. Is she stressed about kindergarten? Is anything negative going on in the home (talk to her about it)? Do you yell or do time-outs for it? That won't work. The only natural consequence is she cleans up her own mess. I don't know many kids that like to clean pee and poop for a long time. I know it's frustrating, but keep your anger in check (hubbys too). Any yelling, punishments, spanks, saying she is a baby or is lazy will only fuel the fire (I'm not saying you are doing any of this, of course). Start setting a timer and taking her to the bathroom like you would at 3. If she is independent she will get tired of that pretty quickly.

I totally agree with Peg. There is something going on on an emotional level for her to feel she has to exert more control in your house. Does she get choices? Does she have a lot of positive attention at home? Does she get punished a lot for a lot of things? (that can cause stress). In order for it to be successful in this and any situation there has to be respect to her from you and your husband.

I totally agree with some of the other moms and that this is control issue. She knows exactly what will happen when she goes to the bathroom in her pants...you're going to get mad, she'll get cleaned up, you might try punishing her for it and then you'll do it all over again. I would highly recommend the book "Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Child" - the author does an awesome job explaining why kids do things like this and how to get them to stop. I have a stubborn little girl myself and I found this book to be so enlightening...it made perfect sense and has made a huge difference in our daily lives. She still tests her boundaries, but we're not doing the same behavior-punishment circle that we were. Best of luck to you!