4Yr Being Bad

I think he's acting his age. Be his parent and help him do the right things. Then he does the right things.

Tell him that he's told a lie and he shouldn't lie. Call him on it and he'll learn that lying doesn't get him anywhere. It's as strong a lesson as punishing. There's no "reward" to lying and no punishment for telling the truth. That's a MUCH stronger lesson.

Day 1. I have to say, none of this sounds "bad" to me. He had goldfish in the car and was told not to make a mess (hard for a kid not to do) and he did. He did not want to be in trouble, so he lied. You had him help clean, great. He helped take responsibility for his actions. Sometime I make a mess when I eat too.
Day 2. There was fruit (great that he wants to eat fruit by the way) and he wanted some. Was he told that it was for a party and not to eat it? He helped pick it up. Great. Sounds like he needs boundaries about where and how to eat so as to not make too much of a mess. You yelled, so he lied. Sounds normal to me. Kids do not actually want to disappoint parents.
Day 3. Honestly, that was a pretty brilliant idea. He probably saw a man pee standing and he could not quite do it, so he got a stool. Not a bad idea at all. It made a mess but it sounds to me like he had a plan.

The behaviors that were mentioned were all about making a mess. Kids tend to do that, as do we. Keep having him help clean up if he makes a mess. Create clear rules about where eating can be done and ways to stay a bit more neat, and be clear about what you need ("Please do not eat that bowl of fruit, it is for the party. If you would like some I can make a small bowl for you.")

Make sure what you expect from him is what he can do.

B.

http://www.ChildAndFamilyCoaching.com
Because nothing is more important than family

Even as an adult, I make mistakes. When I make them, I fix them. I clean up my messes, replace things, etc. I think about how NOT to make the same mistake again.

Also, I don't want people to yell at me. I don't send myself to my room or take away my favorite thing (my computer - LOL). I don't self-punish. My husband doesn't do what "breaks me".

What would help me the most is an understanding person because, even though I may not admit it, I feel really dumb for having done it. I didn't WANT to screw up. I just wasn't thinking. It would be helpful to be treated with dignity and be given a way to make up for the trouble. When I screw up, I want a friend to listen to my vent and be supportive. Help from friends really makes them true friends, whether it be help fixing my mess or help figuring out how not to get in the same mess again.

Sounds like your little guy has gotten caught in the old "negative attention spiral." It's quite possible he needs more positive notice from you, since all these misbehaviors happened when you were preoccupied with other activities or getting ready for same.

Kids are natural scientists, and experimenting comes naturally to them – whether peeing at altitude or social experimentation. And we do well to be aware that kids lead incredibly frustrating lives, so acting out is inevitable, both because they desire what they can't have, and because they don't desire what they get way too much of. A young child's life is pretty constantly managed, and often abruptly manipulated, limited and controlled by their parents' plans, schedules and circumstances. And of course, their experiences with self-control and alternative behavior choices are extremely limited, and mostly beyond their reach.

There is a sane and happy alternative to the dynamics you have described. It involves two main components: understanding what is driving your child, and finding more ways for him to say yes than to say no.

Your son is old enough for the two of you to explore the communication ideas in a terrific book by Faber and Mazlish, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. (You can read part of this really practical guide to communicating with your kids here: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081...) Learn how to help him identify his feelings and needs, and coach him in finding his own solutions.

I use this approach with my 4.5yo grandson, and am often surprised and delighted with how brilliant and original kids can be. The added advantage is that he is gradually learning good sense, and internalizing not only the need for rules, guidelines, and schedules, but also his own sense of self-control. He's a great little kid, and people are constantly amazed at how courteous, clever and wise his behavior has become.

Hi, R.:

Take some deep breaths and exhale after each one. Count to 10. Say the Serenity Prayer.

#1: Your child is not being bad.

#2 Who gave the child the goldfish to eat?

#3 The child does not know why he does these things.

#4 After yourself these questions when you start feeling angry and want to lash out at your child. Looks like your child is getting the brunt of your frustration.

1. What happened?
2. What were you thinking of at the time?
3. What have you thought about since?
4. Who has been affected by what you have done? In what way?
5. What do you think you need to do to make things right?

When you read the questions, it will appear that you need to take responsibility for what your son is doing. Being punitive does not work. Being restorative does. look on the web at www.iirp.org

Good luck and thanks for asking for help, it takes alot of courage to do that.
D.

Are you sure he does not it is wrong or just looking for attention any kind? And no he can not answer your questions when you are angry. try the mom time out and remember our children are only little for a short time and all the bad stuff they do when they are 2-5 are just getting us ready for more stuff to come... some things you have to laugh off and just have him help you clean it up.Good Luck

The peeing things is just boys, and is kind of funny.

My five year old, recently peeped outside on the drain, grate at church. I was soooo embaraassed. However, I had never told him not to pee outside, so how would he know? Had you ever told him not to stand on a step stool and try to pee in the toilet? If you have, then that is one thing, and I am really impressed with your imagination! It would have never dawned on me. :-)

How do you know for sure that the two year old didn't help with the gold fish and the fruit? Particularly the gold fish -- I could see him holding the bag and her reaching out for it and pulling -- thus gold fish all over the car. Also the gold fish can happen by accident. I have spilled gold fish all over my own car. This is one reason I never give my kids the whole bag. They always get a snack bag size. I always assume what ever I give them in the car is going to end up on the floor, and only give them as much as I can tolerate given what is already on the floor. (You really don't want to see the floor of my car.)

The fruit problem is bad. For a couple of reasons : did he know it was for church and not to touch it? Furthermore, he should know to keep in it the kitchen. That would have probably made me flip enough to call "Mommy time out" which is what I do when I am really angry. Everyone (including me) has to go to their own room for quiet time. That gives me time alone to calm down and figure out what to do next. I would have probably made him help clean it up, and he would have lost something to a day or two (a toy/ TV time/something).

I hope this helps.

.

I can't offer any wisdom that will make it all better, but I can offer a thought... When you're at your wit's end, think of me -- our TWIN BOYS are four now and have hit the stage where they are trying many new things, most of which seem to
1. make a mess
2. endanger themselves or someone else
3. drive me crazy with noise
4. set poor examples for younger family members and friends
Within the last week, they tried to teach my three-year-old niece to pee on a tree (her mother was mortified by the soaking wet panties), climbed a tree with no adult supervision (would have been 12 feet up if I hadn't arrived when I had), and one of them fell off my mother's porch when attempting to scale the railing (luckily with no significant injury). Each of these instances required a long discussion about good and bad choices, specific vs generic rules, and what they should do in the future. Of course, all of these ended up making great stories after the fact, but we all screw up the initial reaction sometimes. The one thing I do to maintain my sanity is to keep a journal of the funny things they say/do so I can throw it back at 'em if they ever have their own kids ;)

Wait...have you been hanging out at my house...

My 5 year old...when he was 4 took a whole tub of raisins out of the pantry into his room and while standing on his bed spun in circles while watching it rain raisins. Licked an unknown white powdery substance off the floor at Sam's club (it turned out to be artificial sweetener), but hey heart stopping moment...drew all over the back seat of my mini van with colored pencils (yeah, who thought it was a good idea to let him entertain himself by drawing during the trip...yep, me!)...and I do believe this was all in one weeks time too.

I have noticed that my son has these "spells" where he does all sorts of weird messy behavior...then it seems to stop for a while then "bam" hits you again between the eyes...it is so hard not to yell scream and jump up and down (hey yeah, have a parent tantrum...I have had a few then feel about an inch tall)...hang in there...hugs!!

You need one consistent consequence for everything, not all different things depending on what he does, or he'll gamble. Cleaning a mess isn't a punishment, it's what we all do when we make a mess. It's a normal responsibility. He needed a real consequence, first. And then he needed to clean it totally separately from the discipline. Same for the other wrong actions as well as the lies he told. You name three actions and three lies. That would have been 6 consecutive firm consequences in 3 days, and the message would be getting through.
He's 4 years old and his own moral compass isn't fully formed. That's your job. He understands rules and consequences if they are clear, but he doesn't yet "just want to do the right thing" as you can see. In our house the kids know there will be 2 consequences for a lie and one for the truth if they do something really bad. But so far for the record, they've been let off the hook for the truth since nothing has been too bad. Because they know we will enforce the rules and they're only hurting themselves by doing the wrong thing, they almost never do the wrong thing.

Break each thing down to a simple rule. Deliberately making a huge mess goes for the gold fish as well as the fruit. Tell him exactly what will happen the next time he does anything like that and follow through. Tell him the rules for the toilet. There is only one way to use it. Otherwise, consequence. Lying. All the same. One explanation/warning, and then the follow through, every single time. Keep it brief and firm, not too many words. Consistency means repetition, don't do all different reactions and wonder why he's doing it. He's playing you and seeking attention. A real consequence is not attention any child wants, so you know yours are not firm enough.

Be sure you are giving him enough attention and love in the times he is not misbehaving. There needs to be a black and white difference in his world between when he does right, and when he does wrong. Never lose your cool rather than-or while- giving a firm consequence or he will succeed in rattling you with no real lesson to himself other than that he has power.

Don't let your son down. He is really reaching for control. Give him strong boundaries. Get dad involved! As a boy, he needs more discipline and attention from dad.

When my daughter (about 4 1/2) misbehaves, she loses TV for the day/evening. If she doesn't listen to her teachers at school, she doesn't get TV for the evening. She can't have it back unless she is good at school the next day. This straightens her out pretty quick! She LOVES her TV time!

You need to pick a toy or activity that your son loves. When he misbehaves in any way, he loses that item. Yes, he will throw a HUGE fit. But you have to stick with your decision & always be consistent!!