4 Yr Old Daughter Sticking Out Her Tonge

She won't stop as long as you are giving her attention when she does it.

Completely ignore the behavior.

When you tell her to do something, if she sticks out her tongue, just act like you didn't see it. If she refuses to do the task, punish her for not doing the task but dont make a big deal out of her sticking out her tongue.

Maybe I should read all the other responses before responding as I am sure I will learn a lot, but I am having the same issues with my daughter being sassy and disrespectful. Last night she got soap in her mouth (well on her lip) from sassing with words that she uses as 'naughty' words to be sassy, generally just being plain old ugly, and it's not fun, and she's adorable, smart and funny. I try to explain that cute girls are even more cute and princess like when they act cutely. Hmmm
When you have a good answer or trick, please enlighten me.

My 3 1/2 year old started that a couple weeks ago. It seems to pretty much be a phase of testing us and asserting themselves to others. When you said that you and your husband discipline her, what does that involve? Is it a discipline suitable for her age and does she even react to it? My daughter positively hates time out, so I start counting, once I get to 5 she knows I am really upset with her and if we get to 7, that's it, stop whatever is going on and she has to sit in a chair in the hallway or just away from everyone else for 3 1/2 minutes (1 min for each yr)and nothing in hand, no special blanket or toy to comfort her while she is being punished. If your's is like mine, it will be a loud, screaming, crying situation for only a minute or two and you will have to restrain yourself from letting her get up... If by 3 .5 mins she hasn't calmmed down, then we plug on another minute, on up to 3 1/2, after that, it's to bed. Doesn't matter if she has eaten or not, to bed. Let them pitch the fit in there. Now, all I have to do is start counting, no matter the situation and that's that, behavior ceased. She has actually only sat in timeout for maybe 6 times in her life, but she hates it so much she remembers it like yesterday!
I used to give my daughter 3 chances and without realizing it, it wasn't working for any of us. When you address her and she doesn't respond the first time, immediately cease whatever it is she is doing, turn off the TV, radio, take the toy, board game, whatever, she'll listen then. When I talk to my daughter and she is having a hard time concentrating on what I am telling her (and remember to make it short and quick, all of our long descriptive words fall short on little ones ears)I tell her to look at my nose and then repeat what I said. If she can't, we do it again. It really seems to work for my daughter in every area, including the tonge issue. Ignoring also works, beleive it or not. She is getting a reaction out of you..controlling your anger it hard. She is old enough for you to just walk out of the room, that works for me!
You could tell her a bird will snap it off thinking it's worm if she doesn't stop it..that works on mine too :)
Good luck.

It's really true that if kids don't get noticed for good behavior (be 'caught' doing something good), they'll get attention HOWEVER they can!

If you're telling her to do something 3 times before getting a response, something's already not quite right. My mom (now in heaven) gave me wonderful childrearing advice in one sentence: "Don't say anything to a child unless you mean it." (If you don't intend to enforce it, don't say it; and if you say it, enforce it). Also, never speak to a child as if you're challenging him/her (picture a mom standing with her hands on her hips, head cocked, one eyebrow raised, and mouth set/lips clenched). It may work with some kids, but not many. I've found that the most compliant children can usually be the most beligerent/stubborn when 'ordered around'.

She's 'pushing your buttons', and it sounds as if you need to ignore it as much as possible AFTER telling her -- calmly, but 'in no uncertain terms' -- that this is unacceptable behavior and it will not be tolerated. (Also sounds as if this is a bigger deal to you than it is to her -- you're making it fun for her with your strong reactions. It's REALLY not that big of a deal. I think about every kid goes through a similar phase. She's trying to express that she's not getting enough of the 'right' kind of attention in life [daycare, home]).

Use positive reinforcement. EXPLAIN that if she can go a certain length of time (one hour, one evening, one day, or whatever), she'll get a sticker/star, points toward a reward (such as an ice cream 'date' alone with mom or dad), etc. Ignore the 'ugly' behavior, but be sure to notice if she DOESN'T do it!

P.S. I have 4 grown kids and our oldest daughter has given us 3 little 'grands'. Her 2-yr. old is a very sensitive little boy who's acting 'rebellious' (sounds like your daughter). I told her to 'ask' him to 'help her' by putting his toys away (or whatever she's 'asking' (telling) him to do, then go away as if she EXPECTS him to do it. That usually helps (I'm prone to be that mom with her hands on her hips, and it was hard for me to NOT be! LOL)

Good luck and God bless!

Well, I am sure many moms will disagree with my advice but.....a 4 yr old is old enough to know better and to listen to your discipline. If my son did that, after so many time outs, getting things taken away, I would tell him that "I will not tolerate this behavior in our home. Your friends may do this at school and since they do not live in my home and I am not their mommy, I cannot control what they do but you, I can control. Starting tomm there will be stricter rules in our house b/c you cannot follow the ones I have given you. Starting tomm if you stick out your tongue ONE time, I will give you a warning and if you do it again, we will go into the bathroom and I will put soap in your mouth. You have a dirty mouth that mommy needs to clean with soap. If you stick your tongue out, you must want mommy to put something on it." One time when my son was washing his hands and he smarted off to me, I reacted so quickly and just swiped his mouth with my soapy hands. He closed his mouth and screamed inside his mouth. I rinsed it off, none got in his mouth, but I got down on his level and said, "I will not tolerate you talking to me that way and if you want a dirty mouth, I will clean it with soap" He still has days, of course, where he smarts off but I say, "do you need some soap?" and he says, "NO, I am sorry mommy". You have to be stern, and be serious. Do what you say you are going to do and don't lose your temper. Follow through with your threats.
Talk to the daycare teacher and tell her that you want her to watch your daughter and keep an eye on her and discipline her when she does these things that she has copied from another child.
Also, you can give her something to look forward to that you know she likes....ice cream, chuck E Cheese, movie, candy, etc Then, if she does not behave for the week, take it away. Literally remind her daily of her behavior needing to be good and when she does NOT, remind her of where you are NOT going and do NOT go. She has to know you are serious.
Good luck! W.

We had a rule at our house that if the mouth disobeys it receives the punishment. I DO NOT mean by receiving a slap. I absolutely would never do that. BUT - I WOULD put a drop of hot sauce on the tongue (or something very bitter tasting like vinegar may do the trick). If my children, I have 4 of them, sassed, cursed or stuck out their tongue they got a dose of the stuff they hated. It only took a couple of times and it wasn't pleasant getting them to open wide, but it worked like a charm!
Talk to your daycare and make sure they are not encouraging the bad behavior by giving in to her demands there too. Maybe you could pack a special treat in her lunch box and give specific direction that she was not to have it if she stuck her tongue out or was sassy in any way.
Talk to the director of the day care. She should have the training to deal with this in effective ways, but she may not know it is going on. That depends on how well she and your child's teacher discuss individual behaviors.
A great book that helped me a lot in bringing up respectful children was DARE TO DISCIPLINE by Dr. James Dobson. He has a web site called FOCUSONTHEFAMILY.ORG . He's a Christian psychologist with a lot of insite. I have the book in hardback and it's a good thing. I've referred back to it over the years.
Good luck!
Lora

No real advice but just wanted to sypathize with you. My 4 year old son has gotten real defiant recently and is acting out alot. I don't know what it is maybe a stage but I am so ready for it to be over.

I don't know what to tell you but that is why I don't work while my little girl is little. (Well not outside the home anyway... I do whatever I can to make a buck here or there when possible.)
I want to teach her to be sweet and nice and to not do ugly things and in day care, you get all kinds and most are probably the kind you don't want yours to be around or to learn bad habits from.
Last saturday we went to a yard sale. I realized just why I don't put her in daycare. There was a little boy at that house. They had a little kitten in a cage that they were trying to give away. My little girl squatted down to look at the kitty and the little boy came up to watch her look at the kitty. (Now, my little girl doesn't know what it is to be mean...she has never been around that kind of behavior.) She was just looking and the little boy kept swatting at her like he wanted to hit her but knew he shouldn't so this was his way of hitting without actually hitting. I was watching but as long as he didn't hurt her, I bit my tongue. When she had enough aggrevation from the annoying little twit she stood up and turned to walk away. He immediately stood up and took his hands and pushed her and knocked her down and her knee hit the concrete and scraped it up and of course cried her little heart out. The annoying twit ran and hid under a table like a little coward. Funny he was brave enough to push but when she cried he ran and hid like a baby which he was. His mom asked what happened and I told her. She seemed to be aggrevated at me saying that her kid did something bad but she did pick him up and make him appologize anyway. We quickly left. I was so mad I could have knocked that little jerk's teeth down his throat. As a mom you don't want your child to be exposed to that or hurt by those kind. All I could think of is he is mocking some kind of behavior he has seen at home. Can you imagine how his father treats his mom after showing me that is how he has been taught to treat people?
Anyway, when we got back in our truck I told my husband that I was so thankful that he had a good job so our little girl doesn't have to go through this on an everyday basis. Right now she is sweet and happy and don't do things like that because she has never been exposed to it.
I hope that you can figure it out and someone will write and give you some really good advice. Not everyone is fortunate enough to stay home. I do alot of sacrificing and giving up just to stay home but when I hear horror stories like that or run into little brats such as the yard sale boy, I realize how much those sacrifices are worth it and I would do it all over again.
I feel for you and I know how frustrating it must be for you.
Good luck. I hope you find an answer.

soap- on the tongue. My mother did it to me when I was 3. I never got it again! It tasted awful and I was embarrassed. It is not harmful, doesn't hurt, and works. You have to be swift.

I relate.
I have 5 you & almost 3 yo.
The laughing at authority thing seems to be dissipating, I think it is normal & will pass.

Key to it all - MOM & DAD SELF CONTROL

I had big anger issues & since I have learned to calmed down and STAY PRESENT in the situation, Keep my voice very low, don't join the 5 year old in the dramatic behavior (silly when you think about it) my children respond MUCH better.

I am now able to teach my 5 year old to use words to express his feelings. I help him a lot, but he is beginning to be able to say what is going on fo him instead of acting out.

It is hard work for everyone, but SOOOOOOO worth the effort. I have found the writings of Eckart Tolle to be very helpful in learning to "stay Present". Not a great writer, but the message is very good.

Mom- Take 3 long slow deep breaths, (this calms the nervous system) then remember who the grownup/mentor is. Assume a "personality" if it helps (Mr. Miyage from Karate Kid, he never yelled)And SHOW your child how to MANAGE big feelings.

IT takes lots of practice,but you can do it!

IF you feel REALLY out of control, Project Enlightenment has a Talk Line for parents & teacher on child development. They are a really wonderful parent/child resource.

http://projectenlightenment.wcpss.net/

Talk Line: ###-###-#### (service is free)

Hang in there! Remember to breathe!

sounds like my daughter. we just ignore that behavior one shes sees shes not getting any reaction she drops it. we have also done a dab of hot sauce on the tip of her tounge for spitting and saying bad words. not like hot as hell kind just mild hot sauce. good luck this too shall pass

Lol good luck with that.. Our friend decided to teach pur child to do that lovely thing.. We just had to keep on her.. And as far as the rebelling dont back down..my child does the same she is 5 now..a great book is " girlfriends guide to toddlers" i never belived in parenting books till this one was given to me by my friend.. It is written by mom's and has a lot of helpfull mom solutions

i used to have a cousin that stuck his tongue out like that. the fam tried all sorts of disciplinary actions to break him but nothing really worked. finally, my grandma(you know she's old school) would tap his chin so he'd bite bite his tongue(no hard, but enough to sting). after a few times of this. he stopped.

Good morning. My husband and I had the same problem with our oldest daughter and our niece (whom we were raising at the time) when they were about 6 or 7. Time-out didn't work, spankings didn't work, telling them it was rude & insulting didn't work. We finally figured out how to get them to stop. When they kept doing it after these attempts at discipline, we made them go to the wall and stick their tongues to the wall for five minutes. That time would increase for each incident. It only took like maybe a week or so to get them broke from this irritating habit.

Sorry you're having such discipline problems! For your peace of mind, this behavior is completely normal and expected for children that age. However, it is how you respond to this behavior that will determine if her defiance continues. Look at this as your opportunity to teach respect. What a job we have as parents! You must get the book "DARE TO DISCIPLINE" by Dr. James Dobson. I could never explain the art of teaching a child respect as well as Dr. Dobson does in this book. It's an inexpensive book and well worth the small price. It gives practical, Godly advice on how to handle discipline throughout your child's life. It's available on amazon.com. I wish all parents would read this book and follow these Bible-based principles. Good luck and God bless!

there is a great book out, sorry i cant think of the author right now, called how to have a new kid by friday. it goes day by day with a technique for getting your kids to do what you want. the first day is "say it once, and walk a way". this is basically, say jenny(or whatever your daughters name is) please go and pick up your dirty cloths. then you walk a way from her. if you walk away, she cant give you any attitude. then you dont ask her again to to the job, but if she wants to do something else, like watch a movie, you say "no you may not watch a movie, i asked you to pick up your dirty cloths and you did not." end of discussion. it is a great book, and none of the steps are so chalenging that you cant compleat it. good luck.

Your daughter is following the lead of someone she knows; ask her who sticks out their tongue and speak to her in a normal tone of voice when inquiring and then tell her it will not be tolerated at home. If her behavior continues check with daycare, and ask them to tell the children that behavior is not permissible. There is a very good book called Growing Children God's Way that gives some very good tips on how to get the respect of your children. You may not agree with every suggestion, but it helps understand your child and and get their respect. Sometimes that is difficult at any age.

Keep us posted! I agree with the "old school" - keep it simple...a quick reaction from you and your husband may be all it takes. I don't agree with ignoring disrespectful behavior towards adults. I do believe my parents would have ripped my tonque out of my mouth if I had tried that with them.

I would also take a good look at the daycare issue.

Try these: Explain the 10 commandments, and that one of them is to honor your father and mother. If that doesn't work, tell her how it hurts your feelings when she does that to you. Finally, if she continues, put soap (irish spring is pretty nasty) or hot sauce (just a drop) on her tongue, or at least threaten to do it. If she continues to do it, you will have to follow through and put it on her tongue. You won't have to do it but once or twice.

Everyone used to talk about the terrible two's, but I think 3 1/2 to 5 may be more difficult. We are going through similar issues with our four year old. About 7 or 8 months ago when she was still 3 she started putting her hand to our face and yelling freeze when she was told to do something she didn't want to do or when she was being disciplined. She really started acting out in other ways as well like you describe with your daughter. We of course wanted to blame it on things she was picking up at pre-school, but I do think now it is a stage of development where some children just have to test everything. They are looking for attention, a reaction of any kind and are trying to figure out how much control they have, similar to the struggles with 2 year olds, only now at 4 they can communicate well and perhaps use a lot of words and actions that are not appropriate now that they are an older child.
We have found that ignoring the behavior is not the way and overacting does not work either. We tell her that she does not use or say those things, they are hurtful and upset mom and dad. Then she is disciplined for what she initially got in trouble for or corrected for what ever happened before the acting out behavior, but we don't give any more attention to the hand in the face bit (or tongue in your case). We have also found with our daughter that when she is not getting enough rest she acts out more, we try to keep our routine regular and make sure she gets enough sleep at night or with an added nap during the day. We have recently addedd a "Good" behavior chart to help us and her get attention when she is behaving well. It is real easy to acknowledge the bad, but not always notice the good things our kids do. I hope this helps.

I would make a chart of behavior you expect. My daughter's chart says:
Good Listening ears-does stuff first time I ask
No Sassying
No Lying

Also time out doesn't start until you are quiet and don't give her any attention when she is in time out. As for the dinner table tell her your expectation at the beginning, if she does not abide by them then her meal will be taken away and she will have to wait till morning to eat. NO second or thrid or forth chances! As soon as she does behavior you do not like, take her plate away and straight to night time routine.

You can also add no sticking tongue out
My daughter makes this really ugly face when she gets mad and I just say let me take a picture so I can show your cousin what an ugly face you can make. She stops immediately.

make her sit in timeout and watch the 3 year old play and have fun,maybe with a new toy or swimming pool [ for kids of course].when she sees she is being punished and not getting to have fun , then she will come around.stick to it ! make her sit there. also remind her you are the boss, and what she is doing is wrong. Heck I might be wrong, so if it don't work, let me know. we will both LEARN something. grand-mama

she is old enough to understand a diversion which i use with my 3 and 5 yos. i simply find a place that it's ok to stick their tongue out (for us, the problem was spitting instead). it neutralizes the attention seeking when you take the power out of the action. you might say something like, it's fine to stick your tongue out but you need to do so in the bathroom. besides you can see it better that way. if you want my attention, just use your words.

sounds hokey but after a few times it seemed to work with spitting in our family. the more she feels like it gets your goat, the more she will do it. i am continually amazed with how smart kids are at this age and how skilled at finding our soft spots.

This brought back memories!! LOL
Only took ONE TIME of having my mouth "washed out" and I never made a face at my folks again, nor did I curse, speak disrespectfully, etc.
None of my siblings are brain damaged, or permanently harmed physically or emotionally by the discipline and boundaries that were enforced when we were growing up. ALL of us used the same or similar methods with our own kids. It works if you work it, BUT you have to be firm and consistent.
Kids don't need us to be their best friends, they need us to be parents.
If the behavior problems continue in spite of your best efforts, maybe look for a different daycare facility, or quit working for awhile if you can afford to. I've known several moms who stayed home and didn't regret it for a moment, and returned to working when the children got older.

D. in NC