4 Year Old Boy Behavior Changes/issues

After reading this, the first thing that struck me was if he is watching this behavior from the children at school who are getting time outs. I havent had a child in daycare or preschool, but once I sent them to school I started seeing behavioral changes. Crossing the arms and staring me down when I say no to something was very disheartening.
Other parents I have talked to experience the hitting, spitting, biting, laying on the flooring and ignoring.. types of behavior once their children entered PreK.

He is going through a lot of adjustments..as is normal in life. He's also at a normal age to get tougher even if he's been easy up until now. You are NOT being too hard on him if you "put him in time out when things have gone too far." My son wouldn't bat an eye at a time out or a removed toy. Unless there are other things you're doing you don't list here, you're not being hard on him at all. Constantly getting on his case is a normal outcome of this, but it's not being tough on the problem.

Boys are full of testosterone. Lots of them don't LIKE to be respectful and follow orders if they can opt not to. Being contradicted makes them "mad". Especially around 4 and up. Anger is often under the surface waiting to be the "default setting" if you allow it. Of course they will get genuinley angry sometimes, and that's OK, but it cant' be their "preferred mood when someone crosses them".

All the boys I know who are respectful, nice kids have parents who are very FIRM as well as loving and supportive of their son's needs to blow off steam and be "boys". There is room for all of it, but you cant' tolerate the mean behavior or disrespect. You HAVE to be tough and effective with that. It will get worse with time if the habit to treat people that way roots itself.

My son is almost four and very good, but we've ALWAYS had no tolerance for a mean streak. Even so, I see it pop up from time to time (natural, he's a boy) and deal with it firmly (naturally). He's always much happier afterwords. He's sweet and caring 99% of the time, but that potential for badness is there, just like for any other kid. Boys love tough boundaries and respect firm leaders.

My husband travels most of the time, so it's only me in charge, but even when hubs is home, he steps right up and takes no guff. The kids know no different.

This book is great for boys this age: Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson. We pretty much use the style outlined and all three kids, 5, 3 and 2 are great.

my daughter is 4.5 and does the same thing. she is also very emotional. what i do is place her in her room till she is calm then i go talk to her. its all is the age they are developing complex emotions and such at this time... almost reminds me of having a 2 year old again

Don't give in. Be consistent and stern but at the same time, have extra patience when he's behaving.

I think you hit the nail on the head in including all the possible causes of your son's dramatic behavior change.

Yes, there's a new person emerging around four. I was a bit thrown for a loop with my own son this year (he's 4.5 too). The changes you mention are all things he has no control over, so yes, he may be trying to flex his 'autonomy' muscles to find out what he does have control over.

The book that I like (and one that my son's preschool recommends as required reading for parents) and have used for years is JoAnne Nordling's "Taking Charge: Caring Discipline that Works at Home and At School". The first focus of this book is about ensuring our children feel safe, secure, and their needs are being met. Then, she identifies four categories of misbehaviors and provides corrections for them that, once practiced consistently, are relatively simple to carry out. Her biggest attribute, in my opinion, is her focus on bolstering the child's self-worth with lots of positive attention during times when the child is showing 'neutral' behavior (not positive or negative, just doing things *they* enjoy doing). Her focus on honing in and drawing out a child's internal reality is also a revelation: what we think is going on with them, their perceptions, is sometimes not what we think at all.

I found that when my son had some types of outbursts, I could ignore them as self-indulgent behaviors. Some times, I could just repeat a short phrase until he did what was asked (the technique is called 'the broken record'). I save time-out only for dangerous/aggressive behaviors, and that helps a lot. My son was so similar to what you described, a very docile two year old. We haven't really even had tantrums until this year, so it was quite an eye-opener. Good luck and like I said, this is a book I highly recommend. (You can read reviews and find it on Amazon.)

One other thing: at this age, we sometimes want to start negotiating or asking 'if we do X (a few more minutes of tv, etc), will you be cooperative?'. Don't Do This. This is not politeness, this is a trap. Do not ask permission from your child to do what you need to do. You are the adult and know what's going on. The few times I've tried negotiating with my son, I regretted it right away. He was happy for a few minutes and then was a stinker about what needed to be happening all over again. Be respectful with the transitions you describe, but when it's time to turn off the tv or leave, do what you need to do. It's an age-old line of parenting we are a part of. Be the mom.:)

I was wondering if he's mature enough, maybe you could straight out ask him if he's happy? How he likes his new school, his new house. All in child talk of course but just some open ended questions when you two are alone and not going to be interrupted. He may reveal things that he's keeping bottled up inside. Just a thought... good luck,

I would say that this is pretty typical. I have a grandson who will be 4 in just a few days...he has gone through some major changes too ( Although not as major or as numerous as your son has gone through!!) he now has a brand new baby sister that he has to share his Mama's time and attention with. They did a great job of preparing him for his new sibling and he loves her but it is still a change for him.
He has suddenly become this sullen, pushy, beligerant little fellow that I hardly recognize!!! He was at our home for a belated Thanksgiving dinner this weekend and I can honestly say that he made life miserable for all of us!!! I still love him...and I miss the cuddling,affectionate little boy of not long ago but I know this is a phase he is going through.
Continue to stay consistant. I for one am NOT a fan of time out...I do not see what it teaches a child to be seperated from his parents and family when he is experiencing things that are making him angry or scared. Think of how you would handle it if it were your husband who was nervous and upset about something...you wouldnt walk away from him and tell him to just deal with it on his own and come back when he was ready to "be nice"!!! You would sit with him and talk it over help him explore his feelings and his options. I see that as your role when your son is misbehaving or having a "melt down"...help him explore his feelings...he probably can't even put a name to it. "Joe I see that you are feeling frustrated...what do you think you could do to help you feel less frustrated". Or "Joe...I understand that you really want to play with your train right now but we really need to get ready to go to the store. How about you play for another 3 minutes and then we will stop and get your shoes on so we can go?". Empower him...help him see that there are ways to deal with being upset or scared without throwing a fit or hurting someone elses feelings!!
I agree that he needs to feel special...I hope that grandparents, aunts and uncles are not ignoring him because of the "cuteness" of his younger brother. If that is happening..maybe you need to speak to the adults about it.
Just hang in there...as you already know...he is going through a lot of changes and the acting out that you see is simply his way of reacting to it.
Good luck and Merry Christmas!!!

As much as a mother doesnt want to hear it, it seems perfectly normal. My 4 1/2 year old son expresses the same way. He has turned into a little man and is showing that he has a way to express himself. Anger usually is the easiest to express....when I watch my son, I see the "art" in the anger he displays....the waving of the arms, the pouty lips, and his arch of his eyebrow comes down. They are growing, and though we would love to see a happier child, it is their way of letting go of some steam. Once he lets his steam off, I go to him and try to talk to him to see what is the reason he is getting angry. I wish you the best, its a difficult time in this economy anyway, and as parents we have so much over our heads and in our hearts, and now enter a 4 year old anger issues......just remember he still is your little man and this too shall pass.

That is a lot of changes! And his behavior is the only thing he still has control over so he is acting out. Continue what you are doing only when you are out alone with him ask him about how he feels about things and talk to him and try to come up with four year old solutions, let him know at that time that the behavior when whatever happens (tantrums) makes you very sad or insert whatever word you are comfortable with. And let him know again what kind of behavior you expect. Maybe come up with what he can do if he does get upset like tell him to pick a spot in the house stop and count to 5 before getting upset and see if he can learn to control his feelings, come back and talk to you or absorb what you have said to him even if he does not agree with it. He sounds like a good kid! just wait till he turns 10 then post again! lol

Ugh! I feel for you! Just when you think things are good...We have an almost 4 year old and a one year old. Needless to say the last year has been challenging! I have figured out he gets really jealous and likes to have the attention. He was having accidents on purpose right in front of us or his teachers plus acting out. We've tried to recognize this and take him out by himself sometimes. Or make sure we give a lot of positive reinforcement and involve him when we are laughing at the little one. It's gotten a little better but I feel like this will forever be something we have to pay attention too.

I have a feeling it may be a combo of things but it does sound like he's trying to get your attention. I don't know if you saw the Christmas show "Prep and Landing" last night bit it adressed this a little. In the end, they show how the little brother looks up to the big brother and the big brother should help him. That's what we keep telling my son, that his little brother loves him and looks up to him so he'll have to teach him how to do everything. Good Luck!

Your son's behavior is pretty normal for his age and all the changes in his life are probably stressing him a bit even though he doesn't seem stressed to you. I would use a behavior chart with him. Make a calendar and talk to him about his behavior that your don't like. For every day that he speaks nicely and listens to you he will get a sticker. After 10 stickers (they don't have to be in a row since he will not be good every day) he gets a special treat or present. Do this for a couple of months and the good behavior will start to become habit. I used it with my son a couple of times and it worked great. Good luck!