Very Angry 4 Year Old, After Parents Separation

Maybe he thinks the separation is his sister's fault since it happened soon after she was born. He probably also thinks it was his fault. Poor little guy has has a lot of changes in the past few months, I would think something was wrong if he didn't lash out and be angry.
You need to sit down with him and have a serious talk about the first move, the baby, his daddy, the new situation and let him know that none of it is his fault. Also let him know that you will never leave him, and no matter what you and he and his sister are a family. Also let him know what id going to happen in the future- even if you are not sure. If you are planning on staying with your parents, then tell him that you will be here for this much time and then what you are going to do later. Just keep him updated on what is going on.

You need to get your little one into therapy as soon as possible. Get him into his pediatrician asap.

This is a lot for a little one to digest all at once and he's acting out because of his confusion and frustration. A new sibling, a new house, moving out, moving in with grandparents, parent's separation. That would be a lot for any adult to handle let alone a 4 year old. In the meantime, don't leave him unattended with the baby. Have the baby sleep in the same room as you. Provide him with reassurance that he is loved, wanted and needed by all. That's all I have for you at the moment. Best to you.

I know you are angry about him hitting your daughter. My friend caught her 4 year old putting a pillow over babies face and trying to sit on it! Children do really mean things to their baby sisters and brothers, not realizing the harm they can do. I am not saying he should get away with it, but I think the situation could of happened even without all the other changes in his life. I think you should continue to take away privileges when he is bad. I am wondering if he is being rewarded for the good things that he is doing. He is probably feeling a little neglected right now and he is getting more attention when he does something bad. Try to focus more on the good behavior. I hope that helps.

Poor little guy! Don't hold onto YOUR anger about him punching his little sister. Explaining why what he did was wrong, forgiving him, making him say he is sorry to his sister (even though she is a baby) and move on. Unfortunately you and their Daddy have really messed up his world. He needs all the love and support you can give. Tell him often how much you love him and encourage him ALOT! It sounds like he might be thinking that Daddy is gone because he is a "bad" boy. He needs to be reminded that Daddy is gone because of a grown up problem and he had nothing to do with it. Love on him Lots!

I have to tell you that my 3-1/2 year old has been acting the same way. Angry is how I describe him as well. He can turn it off and be my sweet little boy again too. I have just been trying really hard to respond to him with reason (I know sounds silly) and point out his anger and try to get him to tell me why he is mad. I can usually diffuse it. I have also been sending him to his room when he is speaking that way to us. The other day my husband was going to take two of the kids on a bike ride and Noah said he didn't like him because he was upset with something he had to do...wear a helmet for example... for the 1st time we followed through with not allowing him on the bike ride. He was devastated. It was really hard for me to see him like that but I just explained that if he treats people that way it is hard to be around him. He adores his little sister (6 months) and still acts out aggressively towards her now and then. Not really out of anger... its so hard to know. I do agree that some of this may just be testing waters as well as the changes. Noahs only life altering change was his sister.... clear as mud I guess. Just my thoughts "out loud".

From his perspective, just as you feel you can't trust him anymore, I would imagine he feels he can't trust his parents anymore. His little world has been turned upside down with the separation. Even if the separation is necessary, it is a huge and scary change for him. Perhaps you can enlist your parents in giving him extra attention or they can take care of the younger child while you give him more attention. If dad is at all a reasonable, loving father maybe you can have a humble heart to heart with him regarding your son's issues and he can work on modeling the appropriate behavior to your son. Good Luck with a challenging situation.

My heart truly goes out to you. I applaud your courage to get yourself and your children out of the bad situation you were in. I too am struggling with husband issues. I am in counseling trying to figure out what is best for myself and my 4 year old son. I have just started my son in counseling. He goes for his second session this week. In fact he can't wait to return. My son has resently started doing many of the same things your son is. I've noticed that when my husband is modeling good behavior, my son behaves and when he's not, my son acts up. I try my best not to get angry with him. We use time outs and removal of privilidges. I explain to him more appropriate behaviors that allow him to express his feelings and often act them out. I also reward him with good behavior coins. When he earns 10 he gets to pick an activity to do or something to purchase, limit of like $10. Hope this helps.

I know this is a rough time for all of you. Remember that your son is hurting and needs you to be loving and understanding. Just saying you understand could make a big difference. Your son is obviously very angry. To tell him not to yell and get that anger out, is going to make him get it out in other ways... ie, hitting his sister or someone else. Tell him it is OK for him to be angry at you, it is OK to be angry at dad, it is OK to be angry at whoever he is angry at. If he feels like yelling at you, either let him yell at you then, with no other response except that you understand that he is angry at you and it is ok. If it is a situation where you don't want him yelling, you can ask him to go somewhere else (his room) and yell, scream, kick, punch, and hit to get that anger out. If that is not possible, you will probably just have to leave the room with him until he feels better. I actually encouraged my son today to hit a pillow and pretend it was me because he was upset about something I did. If he hits me, I tell him it is ok to be angry at me, but it is not ok to hit me and then I encourage him to hit a pillow or a stuffed animal. Keep working on it the best you can... it will get better. Take care.

I think your sweet little boy needs to see a counselor - play therapy works great...
You may also try to find him a karate class. They teach discipline, focus on structure, and might help get out the excess energy.
YMMV
LBC