4 Year Old Acting like 14!! - Boise,ID

I think that Deb K had a lot of good advice for you. I would just like to re-emphasize the importance of explaining that it's okay for her to feel angry, frustrated, sad, whatever, but that acting out on those emotions is not always a good thing. I think that teaching her ways to handle her emotions is the most important and helpful thing you can do for her right now. I now it has really helped my girls when they start having meltdowns. Do NOT make her feel that having negative emotions is a bad thing (that's what my parents did and now I really struggle with suppressed emotions), just teach her that she can CHOOSE what she does with those emotions. I would also like to add, welcome to the emotional roller coaster ride of raising girls. :)

My 5 year old has been doing a lot of the same things, being consistent really is the key...but it won't happen over night.

My son seem to really have a huge go of it over December into January time frame. My husband took me for a few week vacation, leaving the kids with Grandma. When we came back, he has been a different person and reminds me constantly how much he loves me. It has been a few months now and I haven't gotten the "I hate you"'s from him, nor the tantrums. I think he's afraid I will leave again...mostly because we rented a convertible while we were gone making him very jealous.

I wouldn't recommend taking a vacation just because she is acting up...so just be consistent and take some "me time" so that you can be batter at being consistent.

OH isn't this fun??? Hee hee. I swear everyone warned me with girls that four was like this transformation in personality! :) I went through this same thing, it is like terrible twos at four isn't it?
First sit her down when she is calm, ask her how her day is, what did she do, who did she play with? I can say really involving myself in my child's day I could tell if something had transpired during the day maybe to cause upset. I know too they are adjusting from being a toddler to a big kid and that is overwhelming.

All I can say is have a consequence for her telling you no, flipping out or whatever. You know what matters to her and if you go after that thing/priviledge and be hard core on not tolerating it and being consistent it will get better. They show you this side because she knows you will give her unconditional love, it is very common for kids to act their worst for those they are closest too. It is her safety zone, however you do not have to tolerate it either.

My ex moved away when we were going through this age so I felt so guilty and bad for my daughter I tolerated WAY more then I should have. In counselling I learned very fast that is where I failed, I failed tolerating it. I finally laid down the law, gave her very clear instructions on what was acceptable, not acceptable and her consequences. Early bed time for every sass starting at 10 minute intervals. There were a few nights she was in bed at 4pm! NO JOKE!

However she figured out after two or three weeks this is not what she wanted for herself. I let her know SHE CHOSE for her day to go like this and if she cannot do what is asked of her without issue then guess what, she did it to herself. I was very calm, matter of fact saying things like "well I am REALLY sorry you chose this for yourself, you now have 20 minutes off of bedtime, please think about that"...then if she pitched a fit, I would say "well there is another 10 minutes"...we did a chart so she knew each night where she stood. The day she got her regular bedtime due to a good day, WOW she was so proud of herself.

I praised the good behavior, I let her know I didn't expect her to be perfect and it was okay to be angry, sad or irratated however it was how she acted with those feelings that got her in trouble. I would reassure her I love her very much and it is my job to teach her how to be a great grown up, that there are rules and she needed to abide by them. I explained how sad it made me when she got into trouble too. Being empathetic, listening and letting her know why she is in trouble helped my daughte a lot.

It wasn't fun, each child has something that matters enough to use as a negotiating tool. For my daughter it was bedtime. My son worked well with earning smiley faces.

The worst was over close to 5, she is really a great kid, just very passionate about her feelings and very hard headed sometimes. I am learning that she has some of me in her and I am her example of how to react when stressed. She has taught me a lot and together we may make it into teenhood!! HOPING!!! :)

I also implemented NO MATTER where we are there is a cooling off/time out spot. I learned never make a threat you weren't willing to follow through with!! That was huge for me! I didn't care who saw her meltdown, I just set her in a corner wherever we were.

Does she act out when you are holding the baby? Maybe read to her while you are feeding the baby. I also "ditto" what Kenda B said!!! Also, never give in to your rules and guidelines. Once you do, she will always think she can act like that to get what she wants. I think she's just testing the boundaries and her independence. Maybe try giving her some new responsibilities (and maybe even pay her for it -- .25 cents a week). Give her things to do that baby sister doesn't get to do. I would also try talking to her about it.

Well, i have no advice, just an anecdote. My oldest was about 19 mos old and i was talking to his pediatrician. i was "dreading" the terrible twos. He chuckled and said just wait. The Four's are the worst. So, i think your dd is normal. also, my wonderful mil always says.. this too shall pass and a bring on another challenges. lol. Good luck.

I oculd've written the same question!! Our daughter does the same things with us: total attitude, somtimes hitting, mean faces, tantrums and screaming. I think the terrible twos just came late for her!! She is an angel at preschool, follows all directions and is very helpful. So, it is just at home....consisitency is the key. She definitely responds better to me telling her that I won't listen until she can talk to me nice, or she doesn't get the things she wants if she whines, she has to use words and good manners...if we yell, threaten, or even do timeouts it brings out the power struggle.
They'll grow out of it!! Let's hope!

I am hoping it isn't true, but someone told me that the way they are at 3 and 4 is the way they are at 13 and 14!
My daughter went through a very difficult phase starting at about 3 years old. She was sassy, defiant, and pushed everyone's buttons. She started getting a lot better by about 4.5, and now she is wonderful (she will be 5 tomorrow). She still has her moments, but for the most part, she is helpful, sweet, cooperative, and listens. I think your daughter is just going through the same thing--testing boundaries, trying out her independance. Hang in there--there IS a light at the end of the tunnel!!!

I heard that kids actually go through 2 teen phases, one at about 3-5 and other in their actual teens, and my daughter sure seemed to have her early phase starting at about 2 months before her 3rd birthday, I remember commenting that 2 was easy, it was 3 that was killing us. We've had the running in tears down the hall to slamming her door to pout when we told her no, or to clean up. We've just tried to stay calm and talk and set expectations etc. and hopefully if we deal witht the mis-behavior now, we won't have it too hard in her real teens. But we have had to "lay down the law" when it comes to slamming doors and that we will take it of the hinges, just like we will if she does it as a teen. Hang in there, I think/hope that it is a phase and we are getting through it. The one thing that I would recommend is to try and deal with the behavior rather than "think it's cute" I'm not communicating what I wanted, but I think that sometimes kids get positive reinforcement of throwing a bit of 'attitude' when they are little (think nu-ugh with a bit of butt wiggle and maybe a "Z" finger), and then when they do the same thing as a teen they get the negative.

I really love the book "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk." Saved us so much drama an yelling. I really recommend it. Best wishes!

If she is turning five soon, or if people have been chatting with her about all the cool stuff she gets to do when she turns five (kindergarten, reading, riding a bike, moving up in Sunday School, etc.), let me know, and then I'll let you know what's going on here.

If she's barely four, then I'm sorry, I have no clue.

xoxox, C.

T.,

I feel for you! It's tough when all of a sudden our children seem to change. I know when my second baby was born, I was overwhelmed and I let some things slide with discipline, and my two-year old started to act up. I think those two things were related. I was just too tired to go put him in time-out, so I let things slide.

I don't know if that's happening for you or not. No blame if it is! Having a baby and preschooler is tough. But check in with yourself; have you started to respond differently to things with your daughter? Kids usually do what works. Especially since she is not doing the same things at day care, this is worth a look.

When she behaves badly, it needs to affect her with a natural, negative consequence, like time alone in her room. The key is to remain calm and empathetic. You could say, "Uh oh. This is so sad. Looks like a little bedroom time for you." And you take her to her room. When she is calm and sweet she can come out.

She won't like this at first, but be consistent, and soon she will know what "uh oh" means. I know if you are patient, calm and consistent with a consequence, she will change her behavior.

Few things are truly a phase with kids. They do what works. When I've said, "It's just a phase" I've been sorry. It's easier to correct it early on, rather than later.

Hang in there. Hope things get better soon!!

C. Hoffman
Get my free report on marital communication "How to Speak so Your Spouse Will Listen" at www.EmbraceLifeCoach.com

T.:

I am surprised by this behavior because usually girls this age are like little mommies. Have you let her help with the baby? Maybe she needs to be more involved with her baby sister's life-helping to pick out her clothes, feed her a bottle etc. It might be time for Mommy/Daughter and Daddy/Daughter get togethers outside of the house where baby sister is. Each of you can spend time talking and interacting with your 4 yr old daughter about what she likes, her interests etc. and even talk about her little sister. I'm sure acting out is a stage, but there might be something-baby sister or not-that is really bothering her. I've have had to ask my daughter, "Honey, what is bothering you?" to get it out of her, but she will usually open up because it's an open ended question. I don't know what going off the deep end means in your world, but I wouldn't use her bedroom as a place of punishment, but rather something like..."Go to your bedroom and when you've calmed down, we can talk." Also, keep in mind that when they are in social situations like preschool and public school, they see how other kids behave so she could be mimicking another child's behavior at daycare.

Hi there. My girls are the same ages apart as yours, but mine are now 5 and 2. For me, the "terrible twos" were nothing compared to the "terrible 4's and 5's! I don't have much advice for you because we are in the same boat, but just know you aren't alone!

I remember saying many, many times that our son was "Four going on sixteen!" He had a sassy attitude. A don't remember too many details, even though it wasn't too long ago. I think it's just another surge of independence and trying to be more grown-up.
Maybe you could give her some responsibility that she is definitely capable of doing, or change something to be more grown-up. For example, my son has recently decided he wants to use grown-up silverware instead of little kid ones. He still uses our "kid" plastic plates and cups, though.
Without knowing you and your daughter, it's hard for me to give any more suggestions for things that would make her feel more grown up, but I'm sure you know her quite well and can think of something!

I just want to give you some food for thought that I had to learn the hard way. I know you are struggling lots and lots right now, but just try to find something positive. An attitude is not a bad thing. She is just too young to know how to channel it. My daughter is now 18 years old and had a lot of attitude but fortunately she knows how to channel it. She has very good grades, plays violin beautifully, and works at lot of hours at a local plant nursery. Without the attitude, she would not have the motivation like she does. She helps me out when I need it and is willing to go the extra mile for her teachers. We just had a few struggles getting to that point. I can tell you that if you get a grip on the issue now it won't be such a problem when she does become a teenager! Just always be firm with her. Don't let her be the one in control. You guys are the parents and she needs to realize that you are the boss. I also have a five year old son and he just went through this phase. He would say, "I hate you!" I would say, "That is alright but you are still going to do what you are supposed to." (They really don't mean it but those are the harshest words that they can think of) It didn't last long for him because he did not get the results he was after. He still has the attitude but he is definately the ring leader at school. Kids need a little attitude to survive life. It is a gift and can be used for great things. I have quite an attitude myself so it was not hard for me to be firm. Some moms don't feel comfortable, but it can be done in a loving way. Maybe you can just tell her to go to her room until she can be a big girl and calm down. Little kids are going through "the helper" stage right now also. You can always use "mommy's big helper" as a phrase that she loves to hear. She is being a big example for your younger daughter right now so I would get a hold on the situation fast. She would appreciate some special time alone with mom right now. Just get alone with her and reinforce the fact that she is mommy's big helper and shows her sister how to act right and do everything she is supposed to. I hope this helps and this is just one of the first stages you will go through. You will make it-just remember to laugh!