"Terrible Twos" ; "Terrible Threes"

I think that every child goes through normal developmental stages at around the same age. It is not necessarily a label I use because I hate labels and have dealt with the many problems associated with them. I just know my kids got a lot more headstrong at these ages. The label of the "terrible twos" and the "Terrible threes" are nothing compared to when children start the "terrible teens." Not a label but just a fact!!

Well, those are typically the ages where children are testing boundaries, learning about limitations and are still unable to sort out and verbalize how they're feeling about it all. So yeah, sometimes they *are* terrible! hahaha

I think that you are confusing correlation with causation. It's not your belief that causes them to act in any particular way - just look at all the moms on here who were completely caught off guard by the way their children are acting at 3! I never ever heard of the "terrible threes" but let me tell you, about a week before my daughter turned three, she started acting just rotten. She got better about a month before she turned four. Instead I'd just tell people that you're lucky that you never had that particular experience.

Long and short, no, I don't think it's harmful to label normal developmental behavior terrible. It's a shorthand that moms use with each other when looking for advice, sympathy, etc. I think it's harmful to label a _child_ anything. And I never would say to my kids "you're going through the terrible threes." But to other parents? It seems no worse to me than saying "oh, you know how teenagers/new moms/grandparents/husbands can be." We sometimes just need to use shorthand to relate to one another.

I use these 'labels' as descriptions, of my child or any child.
Not to put them down, but to describe what may be going on.
However, I do not use these terms "at" my children. Nor do I call them that to their face or when they are around or when acting up.

My son, was SO easy going up until 3-4 years old. He did not have ANY phases or terribleness. Then now at his age of 4.5... it seems like it all got rolled up into one, and he is making up for it. He... at this age, is really not easy sometimes. Really not easy.

My Daughter however, at each age juncture, went through all those so called 'phases' like clockwork. But not in a super terrible way. Just was more challenging. Than usual.

And to me, well some behavior is just that- terrible.
My kids are great. But they are not Angels. They, I know, can be pretty icky at times. ie: terrible.
But they are not terrible kids. They can just act that way at times. They are overall, really great.

Me, I am "terrible" too sometimes. I know it - how about when PMS'ing?
That is a label too.
For women. Said by women and about other women.
But I call myself that too. I am not a pleasant daisy when PMS'ing.
But my knowing that, does not 'make me' that way.

I do not think, that people necessarily become what we expect of them. In all cases.
UNLESS... it is something that is hammered into the person, constantly.
And sometimes, 'expectations' are simply not in line with a child's development... so it is the parent, who is letting down themselves, because they are expecting their 3 year old for example, to act like a 5 year old. It will never happen. But so they think their 3 year old is a 'bad' kid.... because their parental expectations, are inappropriate. And not age appropriate. It is too high. Per child' age development. So then, because of that, their child, DOES act up. Because he/she is frustrated and can never.... meet their parents expectations. I have seen, some parents like that. It is a disservice to a child- just like, expecting them to be 'terrible.' But... it is the parent's expectations... that are not appropriate to a child's development.

Yes, I am totally against labeling. (In fact, that is why I coach instead of doing psychotherpy.) I know that words are very powerful. When we define our children's behaviors critically we tend to blame them rather than simply use tools and skills to teach them and guide them. If we simply educate ourselves about behaviors, stages of development, good discipline techniques we are then supportive and nurturing as opposed to critical and mean.

I completely agree that it is harmful and that people really do "tend to give us what we expect of them."

I don't necessarily love the label "terrible" to refer to children's behavior, but I don't think it's particularly harmful to refer to certain phases or types of behavior as "terrible." That is, as long as you're not saying TO your child, "You're terrible."

I actually found my older son to be fairly agreeable at age two... and I thought, hey maybe the "terrible twos" were a myth. And then he was three.... and I had no idea what had hit us. I had never heard about the "terrible threes" until he entered this phase, and I started doing some reading and talking to other parents. I did not EXPECT him to be any certain way at age three, but he certainly ACTED in a very particularly difficult way for several months there.

I have since talked with many MANY other parents who have had similar experiences with their three year olds. There is a reason that the Gessell Institute's book on three year olds is called "Your Three Year Old: Friend or Enemy?" So I'm not sure you can exactly call it a myth. I think you can say that your particular children did not necessarily behave the way many many other three year olds did. And I think that's about all you can conclude, really.

I think since behavior does deteriorate at certain developmental steps without effective discipline, the labels serve to assure people it's normal so they don't wonder what happened to their kids all of a sudden. You were lucky yours didn't act differently form year to year, I've known lots of people who can't believe the drastic changes. What people often don't realize is that not handling the 1's-or having easy 1s, led to the sudden terrible twos. And not handling the 2s, or having easy 2s led to the terrible threes. People can intercept the changes by firmly nipping small things along the way if they aren't lucky enough to have kids who just stay nice through the years. Otherwise, they really can be extremely terrible, and "not labeling" won't help.

I agree that young moms have this term shoved down their throats so that when their child does starts to become a little more challenging due to a change in the maturity level they address it as a sign of terrible 2, rather than treating it as a level of maturity where the child needs more structure.

I agree with you. I dislike these labels too.
When I would be out with my kids and people would ask their ages, they would often say, "oh the terrible two's" or whatever they say. I would quickly reply, "No. The terrific twos!"

I hear you Page!! In addition to the "terrible twos and threes" I think it is wrong, silly, whatever to expect girls to be demons from 13-18. Maybe I'm lucky and have an easy and reasonable kid but I would prefer to think I handled my daughter's situation well to grow up to be a kind, hard working, not a push over, high achiever that doesn't give in or give up because she's PMSing or because she is a teenager. In addition to genetics I think the way we give examples or guidance is huge.

Sorry, but no. You know I love you dearly, but I'm going to disagree on this one! I, too, had smugly congratulated myself on what a great parent I was at having avoided the "so-called" terrible 2's with my first child. I knew I had a great kid because I was a great parent, and I would never, ever label my little darling! And then I had baby #2. And she was so easy and perfect! Because I'm a great parent and I don't label my children and I expect them to be fantastic and so they are!

...And then child #2 turned 2. And all hell broke loose. That child was an absolute monster, through no fault of anybody's, including her own. We did nothing different with her than with our first. Yet she would have full-scale meltdowns up to 8 times per day, every single day. She NEVER had a good day THE WHOLE YEAR! I will tell you from experience, I don't care what your expectations are, some 2 year olds ARE TERRIBLE! That is not to say they will always be terrible - almost certainly they will grow out of it, but saying the child acts like a crazed bipolar tazmanian devil because the parents have somehow created this situation is flat out unfair.

On the contrary, I would say that most, if not all, "terrible" behavior at this age is totally development related. For instance, my younger daughter, although she has an IQ that is well over 150, was very slow in learning to talk, and even then, she did not speak clearly, and so was not easily understood (even by us). I can imagine how frustrating this was for her, and I know that's why she was so darned angry all the time. Still though, there is no sugar-coating it. The kid was a terrible 2. She is now a delightful 5, and I'm sure nobody would judge me for labeling her delightful! The truth is the truth, after all. ;)

*For the record, she is still very emotional (that's just how she's wired), but because we had soooo much practice in teaching her to self-soothe as a toddler, she now knows that when she feels like melting down, she needs to go into her room and calm down, which she does.

My kids haven't gone through either of those stereotypical phases (4.5 and 17mo - yet hehe). I honestly think a lot of it has to do with how you parent and the communication you build with your children AT ALL AGES!

I agree that people tend to live up to expectations but with this particular time in life I think it serves as a reminder/ explanation to parents that this is just a developmental stage and we don't really think our children are terrible. They sure put our parenting skills/patients to the test. It's more of a term for us to explain the challenge we are going through at this stage in parenting. I'm there personally right now for my 4th and final time. And then they grow up to be teenagers, I'm also here at this parenting stage for the first time. Here I find it more serious to not label and have the "terrible Teen" expectation. I have a wonderful relationship with my 14 year old daughter. I believe it doesn't have to be a terrible time and that we can get through this development stage smoothly. I guess if parents use these terms as an excuse to not try then it's an issue. Kind of what Peg. M was explaining. Now lets see if in the next year or two I'm still believing the same about the teen years.

I, like you, hadn't believed the label of the stereotype until my twins turned two. I swear, one started showing developmentally appropriate but challenging behavior within weeks of turning two. Then, his brother followed about two months later. I don't like the labels, but I can see why people use them!

It's funny that you brought up this topic. My daughter-in-law and a friend and I were just discussing this yesterday at Easter and totally couldn't agree with you more!!!

Each child acts accordingly to their age even when they are 16...what are they acting like? Well a 16 year old!

They should pretty much get rid of the labels....that is old school.

R.

I think so. You never know when they will hit. My middle guy has waves of the yucky behavior. He is four and a half. I think saying it to them or around them makes them think the behavior is justified. especially when they are older and understand more what is being said.

Some think it is cute. I personally dont. It is frustrating and can frazzzle. I hate when someone approaches me, while dealing with a tantrum throwing child and make a comment like that to me. I just want to yell. It is bad enough it is happening in public. dont come up to me and let me know why it is happening. I fully understand what the situation is.

I take serious offense to these labels and have more to add to this list -'shy', 'picky eater', 'handful', 'whinny', 'not yet potty trained', 'slow', 'behind', monster,'calm down', 'time-out' and so on....

Good thing is that kids are not mature enough to understand these judgemental labels, otherwise there would be many lawsuits coming from them :)