4-Yr-old Seems to 'Shut Down' When Angry.

You might want to try to talk to him about dealing with disappointment and emotions, but at a time when he isn't upset or disappointed. He might be taking this personally or he's embarrassed in some way. Talk to him about it when he's not currently feeling that emotion.

There isn't anything wrong with him stepping back or being a bit withdrawn for a few minutes. The problem is when you try to talk to him a little later.

Maybe you could talk to him about coming up with a signal that he could give you when he's ready. Or you could let him know (when he isn't upset) that you will give him some time to himself. Then you will give him a 5 minute heads up that you need to talk. "Bob, I know you need a minute now. I will be back in 5 minutes to talk to you." He might also need a 2 minute heads up. Whatever works. Just let him know that what he's feeling is normal, he's aloud to have some time to himself and there's nothing wrong with any of that. But he will need to talk to you at some point.

Good luck!

This is a typical response in a child who has some issues with Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD). With my daughter, she doesn't like it when we use an "angry" voice (or what to us would be classified as an authoritative/parent voice). She gets upset, "runs away and hides," and has an extremely hard time talking about the issue/what made her upset in the first place. She is 11 now, and we still have to deal with this issue (which is SO much better than when she was little. Sigh. But I don't ever see "the issue" truely going away. It's something she will always have to deal with.).

Get some books at the library on SPD. Chances are, you'll find a lot of other issues your son exhibits that can be labeled as SPD. Help comes in terms of helping your son learn how to deal with what he is feeling--and, in your son's case, helping him learn how to articulate what he is feeling and finding ways to express himself/his feelings that don't involve "shutting down."

I feel for you. It's a very difficult situation. My daughter will talk to me about what's bugging her/what set her off, but she isn't able to talk to my husband. He just "tells" her what to do but isn't interested or willing to talk about feelings and dissect everything--which is what my daughter needs. She really, really gets upset with my husband, who doesn't see anything wrong with how he talks to her/deals with her and sees no reason to change.

Sigh. So my daughter talks to me but not to her dad.

The issue your son has won't go away on its own. My daugher has been seeing a wonderful Childhood Specialist since she was 5 years old, and that has helped both her--and our family--immensely.

If you have any questions, please contact me.

Hey, I'm not sure I have much advice to offer, except to say kudos to you for being concerned about this. Right now is an ideal time to try and help him work through difficult situations. How does he handle smaller disappointments - he loses a game of cards or a doesn't get the biggest ice cream? Can he cope with smaller things? If he can, build on that. If not, start there.

Another idea is to give him 10-15 minutes, maybe 30 minutes, to sulk alone and then have you or hubby go to his room and just hold him. Have him sit on your lap and just hold him. You don't have to converse or ask questions but having him know that you are there and still love him, even if he's feeling down, may be very powerful and what he needs.

Also, having two siblings and being the middle child can be really hard. Can either you or your husband take him out to dinner or lunch or play alone with him for an hour or two? I guess I'm thinking that if you can do a special activity with just him, it might help him feel more confident, loved, supported, and may help him open up faster next time he's in this "blue funk."

My final idea is to chat with his pediatrician about this. I know the pedi is not trained to be a child psychologist but he may have some great ideas for what you should try, or not try. Good luck!

It sounds like he is very sensitve, and wants to please. Use the least amount of pressure needed to get the results you want. To some people just a look can seem like yelling, while to others it takes much more.

Well I know I personally am this way. When I get upset or angry I also shut down. I do NOT want to talk, I want to be left alone, and my husband and kids know that mommy needs her cooling off time.
Of course later on I'm calmer and am able to discuss whatever's wrong in a reasonable way. How much later depends on whatever upset me in the first place. I once went two full days before speaking to my teenage daughter because it took me that long to "get over" what she did (it was a doozy!)
So I'm not sure if it's healthy or normal, but it is my way of coping. Your son may be the same way.
I used to work in a first grade classroom so I know there are LOTS of children's books about feelings. Why don't you take him the library, get a few books, read them together and ask him questions? It may just be a developmental stage he is going through, or he may be wired like me :)
Good luck, I know it's not easy dealing with a sulking child (or adult!)