Is It Okay to Lose It on Your Kids Every Now and Again?

I think that it's perfectly acceptable and NECESSARY for children to know that their parents can be angry and disappointed in them. I do my best not to lose my temper with them, but if/when I do I try to keep it very controlled.

Honestly this made me smile and chuckle. My kids are now 17 & 15 and I didn't lose it often when they were little, but boy did they comply if I did. If you're always reacting that way its an issue, but everyone has limits and they need to learn that mom does too. My kids will laugh looking back at times when they pushed and mom finally lost it. My son thought it was fun for about a while to occasionally push and push and push until I lost it and then he'd respond with "yes, finally lost it". Once I was able to realize what he was doing I stopped my response - teenagers can be so much fun.

Everyone has limits and they're learning this as a life skill and they're learning when they hit that they better stop. Also, it will probably bond them more as siblings with the "better listen, mom's on the edge". lol!

Yes, I do think it is ok. So long as you didn't react physically, they absolutley needed to see you pissed. Otherwise, kids take advantage. Thats their role - testing the limits and seeing what you do. Personally, I can be very flexible and put up with a lot of shenanigans with kids, but when it comes to safety issues, things like spitting on others, and running from me (all of which my kid has done!) I get very angry and make it clear something horrible has happened and her little fun, blessed world comes straight to an end and her life is miserable for a little while and she is scared of me. Otherwise how do they learn that things like that can't be washed away with a quick sorry? Good luck and congratulations on the newbie!

Psh. Mama....I have LOST my mind on the kids before.
Yelling in the car about how embarrassed I was by horrible behavior, how I couldn't even LOOK at them because I was so angry, and that they better not even open their mouths to speak to me.
It was a silent ride home let me tell you.
I never apologized. They misbehaved! Normally my kids are pretty darned good, so maybe me losing it is okay. Especially when they start to goof off and I say, "don't make me turn into angry mama. Nobody likes her." And then they snap to attention.
I think you can be as angry as you want. And you know what? My kids still love me, I still love them, and they see just how their bad behavior affects you.
L.

Great question, one we all grapple with whether we like to admit it or not.

Yes, we do lose our temper from time-to-time, but our definition of lost temper probably varies.

The key is to forgive yourself. You are only human and handled it the best you could at that moment.

In general, kids live to test limits :-). And with a new sibling on the way, they might be testing even more.

The fact that you are doing your best to spend quality time with them and take them places before the newborn comes, speaks volumes.

As for apologies? Eh. Sometimes I say, I didn't want to raise my voice but it is important that you listen to me when I ask you to do something. I will always reinforce what she does right, but also remind her what is not OK.

Sometimes setting the parameters before the activity helps. I might say "if mommy says it's time to go we have to go. Can you be a good girl and help me out?" before we go to the park. I will then remind her of this talk before it's time to go.

If all else fails 1-2-3, is my fallback!

My first thought when reading your post was 30 minutes at a brand new, fun park is not going to work. They're excited, it's new, they don't want to go after a mere 30 minutes. Not enough time, mom.

My second thought was wow, if they are behaving this way (spitting at other kids) after a mere 30 minutes it's totally time to go!! So there's that dichotomy.

My third thought was, I would have absolutely lost it at 38 weeks preggo if I had to chase my cherubs down to go. My feeling is that it's okay to lose it every now and then (barring physical harm, of course). There is a scale of naughtiness, you know? Sometimes the scale tips and the contents fall out if it's too great. It's ok that they saw that they tipped the scale.

Your response was perfectly normal - but 30 minutes at the playground really isn't very long. Next time avoid the dilemma, give everybody more time - them to play, you to collect them and bring them home. What might work - "Girls! Snack time!" Pass out the snack and then after all the crumbs are wiped off -"Time to go! Let's have ice cream at home :)"
You are human and they have to learn that their behavior has an impact on others . . .

You are human.
They were horrible! They should be apologizing to you!

Of course it's okay to lose it every once in a while. You're human, aren't you? I don't get the abusive parent vibe from you. I look forward to the future when my kids laugh about the time mom lost her sh*t because they did X,Y, or Z ;-) Hang in there!

I think if we didn't , they wouldn't learn the importance of venting, and letting off steam, and utilizing coping skills of their own to chill out. My son has seen a lot out of me, good and bad. However, I use that time as a teaching moment. Letting him know that mom's are human, too and sometimes we get upset and need to calm down..

When I get upset with him, I most often will tell him that I am upset and hurt by what he has done. Sometimes I raise my voice or scream. In this case, it usually leads to tears and a conversation afterwards. I tell him that I am disappointed, and that we need to work on changing the behavior, etc. Then I usually tell him that I need a break, and will go to my room for awhile. In all honestly, it usually isn't my son that I lose it with, but my husband! haha..Same rules apply.

Ha! Just tonight! I'm tired, husband is working late, kids are not cooperating/minding...I found my self repeatedly voicing my frustrations (read: threatened to take away everything they hold dear in their lives)
After conspiring together in the shower, they came to me with their conclusion: "Mom, we think you need an E.B.T. tonight! (Early Bed Time...a phrase thrown out in out house when we are dealing with some cranky kiddos)
I said "Yes, I so do! I'm tired and cranky, and when you don't mind me, I feel like having a temper tantrum of my own! So please help me have an EBT and go.to. bed!" Not surprisingly, they got it, and went right to bed! :)
This was mild, I've lost my sh!t with them *plenty* (again, not abusive, but there was some yelling for sure!) If I feel sorry or like I was overreacting, then yes I will apologize to them. I've had conversations with them where I told them I was sorry for yelling, that I was frustrated and shouldn't have reacted like that. On the other hand; if they have been legitimately out of control and I don't feel I overreacted and they try to make me feel bad, I will hold my ground have that convo too.

Bottom line~ You're not out of line here, you're doing fine! Good luck!

It is perfectly normal to lose your temper, and I think it is good for kids to see when you are really truly angry. If you don't let them know when their behaviours make you angry, then they will just think the behaviours are OK.

Yes, it's okay. You are human and we all blow up sometimes. You now have a chance to really talk to them. To explain all of what you were and are now feeling. To have them tell you how it made them feel and for you to respond with how their actions made you feel and react. For them to understand that if they don't like to have their feelings hurt by your anger, perhaps they should be better listeners and in turn, you will try to be more controlled. But, if they were to act so naughty again, the same result may very well happen and their feelings will be hurt again. And, they will be hurting your feelings as well.

Nothing too long, just a little talk about everything that transpired on both sides so everyone feels heard.

In the meantime, let your guilt go.

I actually think it's better to be silent when VERY angry. The reason being...I seriously don't think kids listen when you lose it. I guess I would have composed myself, had a stern talk with them, and doled out any punishments or discipline I felt necessary. The problem with losing it, is I really think they lose their respect for your words. Do YOU listen and hear, when someone has yelled at you? Did you learn anything? Do you remember anything, other then they were acting really unhinged? If someone were yelling at you, and lashing you...would you maintain the same level of respect for them? I KNOW I wouldn't. If someone were yelling and hurting your feelings, would you think their advice and warnings, were something worthwhile? I KNOW I wouldn't.

They learn they crosses a line you can't tolerate, because you do NOT tolerate it. There are consequences. They speak louder then going on a crazy tirade. Being an adult, and hurting a child's feelings, is really just bullying. There is no learning experience there, other then mom has no problem being mean. Just my opinion.

It happens, at 38 wks pregnant, in summer, at the park, with little unruly children, it definitely happens! You probably feel guilty bc your are so pregnant and were trying so hard to do something for/with your kiddos and it just didn't work out and you feel bad. Everybody gets mad, I think kids get that, I think you deserve a medal for taking your kids anywhere this close to delivery! I do apologize sometimes bc I think I need to and it teaches my kids what to do when they lose their cool. Hang in there! I vote for more time with your feet up between now and delivery! :)

Yes, they need to know when they've done something beyond the pale. In an emergency, coming when called could be the difference between life and death. And you should not have had to chase them.
Yes, it's fine to be angry and for them to know you're angry, and your anger SHOULD hurt their feelings. When did we get this idea that a child's feelings should never be hurt?

I understand your need to go places before being stuck with new baby. But you might be surprised how easy it is to go places with new baby. You won't be huge anymore. You'll feel normal again, I hope. It'll be great! Baby will sleep 99 percent of the time. Anticipate those good times...

You'll have to lug baby somehow, but it'll be easier than you think, until of course baby gets old enough to stay awake longer and require more attention from you than nursing every few hours.

The park sounds hard. I could never handle that with my kids very well while pregnant. Chasing them down? I'd lose it too.

Most of these answers are good :)
yes it's OK. Not as effective as other ways to handle it but not terrible! Cut yourself some slack, you're pregnant and it's hot!! and yes 30 minutes if fine if that is the time you want to spend at the park, no mom should criticize a pregnant woman for the amount of time she spends at the park, WTH people? Figure out how to make it easier on YOU. Have tiny treats in the car ( tiny baggie of fruit loops and raisins or pretzels) something so small you dont care if they have right before lunch and then transition from park to "snack in the car!" or have a timer with you, kids respond better to a timer than mom. Whatever makes it easier for you.

I'm sure most will disagree but yes , I think it's OK to do, what you're describing. I think at times, kids need to see how their behavior effects others. Have I probably gone overboard & lost my cool , too much? Yes, & I have had to apologize.

We all lose it on our kids sometimes. 3 year olds are tough (I'm experiencing that right now with a newborn in tow) and I've definitely lost my temper more than I care to admit.

It's not a good idea to make a habit of it or to make it your go-to discipline technique (which is doesn't sound like it is for you), but every once in a while is not going to harm anyone. And if anyone tells you that they've never lost their tempers with their kids before, don't believe them.

I don't feel that it's ever "okay", but it does happen and you aren't alone.

I think as adults we should try to express ourselves and show our children the best by example, but we are only human.

Usually, I have to send my daughter to her room for "timeout" if I find I'm getting too angry. This gives me a chance to cool off before dealing with the situation. If I blow my top before I catch myself, then I apologize for being so hard and hurting her feelings, but that she needs to do as she's told the first time so that I don't get upset and have to punish her.

My most resent "blow up" involved her and her bike. We were walking and she's to wait at the stop signs for me and we cross together. She stopped the one by our house, but then lifted up her feet and rolled down the little slope into the road. She then realized what she was doing tried to turn back and fell over in the middle of the road all tangled up in the bike. Let's just say things got loud. Afterward I explained to her why I was so upset, the road is not a four way stop, the section she was in the middle of has no stop so cars just rage through. She could have been killed while she lay in the middle all tangled and dilly-dallying in getting back up.

It happens to everyone. Yell, get home, send them away, count to 10 (or 100) and then deal.

Good luck!

No human is perfect.
No Mom is perfect.
We all have days that we are in a bad mood.
We cannot be robotic, and in the same mood everyday.

For me: IF and when I am in a bad mood, because of them or not or due to PMS... I TELL them. I tell them, "Mommy is stressed today... so keep that in mind." or "I am in a bad mood right now, so would you mind 'helping' Mommy and giving me some quiet...." etc. And THEN, if you tell a child this, they understand, and then they know... about Mommy.
I don't play pretend with my kids and try to make believe I am not grumpy. And I don't take it out on them. I tell them, in an even voice, so that they know and thus I am giving them a head's up. And I THANK them, for 'helping' Mommy when I am not in the best mood.
And likewise, if my kids are grumpy/irritable for any reason, THEY can tell me, TOO. It is communication... between family members. It is being open, with one another. It is being human.
Not perfect.
Acknowledging that we all have, "grumpy" days.
I tell my kids, so that they have a head's up.
And they tell me too.
And if they are being SO unpleasant because they are in a bad mood, I call them on it.
I don't pussy foot around. I TELL them, they are not being pleasant, they KNOW IT, too. So change it. Or go someplace to cool off. Or SAY to me, what is bothering them, and then, problem solve it.
And if I am angry with them, I tell them "Mommy is very angry you did that. You know it. So correct it, now."
And they do. And they apologize, to me.
I don't hide... feelings from my kids.
And I encourage them to tell me TOO, how they feel.
There are times they tell me... they are disappointed in me etc. Because perhaps, I "forgot" to do something I told them I would do.
Its OKAY.
We communicate.
We tell each other.
That is how I am with my kids, and they are with me.
I teach them that.
AND, when/if I need to apologize TO them.... I know it.
And I do it.
With NO hesitation.
I don't see it as an "I owe" them, thing.
I KNOW when I need to apologize to them, too.
And I do.
And they do that with me too.
My kids are cognizant, of their feelings and mine and we are not perfect.
But we are aware of each other's vibes and cues.
Because I am open about it and teach my kids that too.

I think it's okay to let them see your level of disappointment from time-to-time. To me, it's like you can't have good without bad; both impact the other.

When/if they come to you and say you hurt their feelings, don't feel guilty. It was THEIR behavior that drove you to that. What you need to say to them is that it would not have gotten to that level if they had listened and that if they exhibit the same behavior again, you will have the same reaction. It i under THEIR control.

BTW, you wouldn't have had to worry about an apology from your youngest should he/she had spat on my child. I would have told my child to knock the heck out of her. Certain things are INTOLERABLE and being spat upon is one of them, IMHO.

I think it's ok to lose it on your kids sometimes. I wish I could control myself better so that I lost it less often. I know that I'm teaching my kids a bad lesson. Anyway, if it only happens occasionally, go ahead and lose it. Later, explain to them why you lost it and talk about ways you could have handled it better. This will help them learn how to control their tempers when they are incredibly angry or frustrated as well.

Don't feel bad about it. You're human and it happens.

It's "okay" to do anything. Your relationships with your children plus your children's personalities plus your typical parenting style plus your immediate follow-up to "losing it" will determine how your children are affected. You don't know what's going on in their heads from moment to moment, what their minds are considering and how they might be processing it. You've heard it said that you just never know what's going on inside somebody's head, how your behavior toward them could be a final straw or rescue from the edge. Same goes for your children, except that their very identities are tied into yours and whatever you say or do.

If you lose it, let it be because it slipped away from you even though you planned very hard against it. Then, immediately set out to repair any possible damage. Don't think of it in terms of a coupon that you get to cash in ever so often.

Agree with previous posts. It IS ok, and normal as long as it's not physical contact - and you explain later during a calm moment. Just explain why you were frustrated and reacted the way you did. I've added an exaggerated "sigh" into my initial reaction like when they spill something for the umpteenth time that day. My sigh results in a "sorry, mom!" response which is fine with me. They realize that they should be more careful, and that I'm not angry at all, but just frustrated.

I'm glad you asked your question. Made me feel better! I think everyone loses it sometimes. I have definitely yelled at my 4 1/2 year old on quite a few times when she wa snowing extremely out of control naughty like how your kids were acting. I have been there! I don't feel I need to apologize if she was super out of line, but if I snap at her when I'm just tired over a little things I do apologize for overreacting.

Well if it's not ok sometimes, we are all in trouble! Who hasn't chased a 2 or 3 yr old up the tubes at McDonalds? Lol! I have apologized to them and found it makes it easier for them to apologize to me when I deserve it.

You do need a better plan though, you are about to be out numbered.
Try some parenting books while you are healing. Love and Logic works. I've heard good things about 123 magic. And How to talk so kids will Listen and how to listen so kids will talk.

Good Luck with the new baby!

You are human! Please don't beat yourself up about this. I have lost my temper before and have felt bad after, but sometimes us moms just get to our breaking point, especially when our kids have created such a scene. I'm not sure I'd believe anybody if they said it's never happened to them.

Just a few weeks ago, I lost my temper with my son. I felt horrible in the end, and I did sit down with him after the dust settled and apologized.

Good luck with your new addition!

It's hard to say. But going with one of your last questions first, what you say (when they tell you've hurt their feelings) is that THEY hurt YOUR feelings. They ignored the instructions you gave them. They ignored what you told them in advance was going to happen. And pretty much just totally disrespected you (and other kids at the park) in every way possible. They shouldn't have their feelings hurt, they should be apologizing to you and the other kids that were there.

Now... you didn't say how young the littlest one is. Soo...

It happens. You lose your mind when they act like you have never taught them how to behave and they ignore you. Of course. I would, too.

Next time (and yes, there can be a next time at the park).. don't give them 10, 5 and 2 minute warnings. Frankly, I think that is too much focus on the dreaded we're leaving. Let them enjoy freely as much of the time as you can. If you are only going to be there 30 minutes (which really isn't that long)... then don't start with the "we are leaving in..." warnings until 5 minutes out. At 5 minutes, give a "5 minutes head's up.. almost time to go". Then at 2 minutes... "Ok... pick the last thing you want to do before we leave, b/c we are about to go."

Once they have done that one activity, have them come stand by you. When they are both there, you leave.
IF they don't come with you or run the other way... do what you do with a dog. Try NOT chasing them, but going the other way.

My kids can tune out "we are about to go" very easily. But when I say, "we are leaving" and I start walking the other way... they know I mean it and they do NOT want to be left behind. Try it sometime (you can figure out how to do this safely where they aren't out of your sight).