My daughter who just turned four and our next door neighbor who just turned six (we live in a condo complex) have been best friends and inseparable since my daughter was born. Now that my neighbor is in first grade, he's started playing with another boy in our complex who is in his class at school. Yesterday my daughter's friend J and her were playing out in the snow. Then J noticed his friend outside and left my daughter to go play with him instead. When my daughter tried to join them, the other little boy was so rude to my daughter and wouldn't let her play with them. Then the boys made plans to go over to J's house to play. My daughter was so upset and kept asking me all day to call J so he could come over and play I told her that J was probably playing with his other friend and that if J wanted to come over and play with her, he would call. No big surprise, but he didn't call to play with her, and last night my daughter was crying, I love J, I love J. Why is Nick so mean? I tried explaining to her that 6-yr-old boys want to play with each other without girls around, that they go to school together, and that she probably won't be playing with J as often anymore. I don't know if I said the right thing. She's so upset, and seeing her like that breaks my heart. I know it's perfectly normal at this age for this to happen, but how can I make her feel better? There are no little girls in our complex for her to play with, and come summer, it's going to get worse when they're playing outside and won't include her..
My daughter has been in daycare/preschool since she was a year old, so she does have interaction with plenty of other kids. I'm an older mom (44), and all of my friends with the exception of two have boys. I belong to a mom's group, but once again, all boys. And J's mom and I are friends. We hang out all the time. My daughter and J are just used to playing at each other's houses every day for the last 4 years. J used to come over to my house before my daughter was born and play with me.
The boys hurting her her whole life is something I'm definitely going to have a problem with. Just thinking about someone hurting me gets my blood boiling. Lol.
Thanks for the book suggestion, Peg. I'm ordering it today. I def need that.
This is one of those things that will have to work itself out, boys are going to make her cry all her life. I would just do what you can to make other play dates and help her understand that just like she has to share toys she has to share J.
Poor child – this is one of the many emotional bruises that lots of kids have to come to terms with.
Here's one idea – get yourself one of the most practical and useful books ever written: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. I've used their techniques with my grandson since he was 2.5, and they really help the child to creatively solve her own problems (with parents coaching and participating).
One of the things you can help your daughter do is to brainstorm ideas for capturing at least some playtime with J, maybe such as hand-drawing invitations for playdates, or taking a trip with you and daughter to some playful destination. Alternately, she can figure out how to connect with new friends to take J's place.
It's also important to allow your daughter to feel her grief. Adult explanations just don't touch that "feeling" place in which she's experiencing a very real loss, and can't explain those feelings away. How to Listen gives you some valuable coaching on how to do that effectively, too.
Well now at 4 and 6 years old, there is a big gap.... in developmental stages. And it is not congruent, cognitively or socially.
At 6 years old, kids.... start to have different friends. They are at a different age stage.
If anything, get your daughter other friends.
The boy doesn't probably realize, that he is being "mean." When he goes to play with the other boy.
You can speak to his Mom... but the boy probably does not know how to be stuck in the middle of 2 different friends and their needs/wants.
And yes, boys and girls do go through stages of only wanting to play with only their own gender.
Maybe you/your daughter and your friend and her son, can all talk with each other... and just realize that developmental differences, are occurring. It is not a right or wrong... judgment. It is age stages. Of which a 4 year old and a 6 year old, are very different.
Invite your daughter's other friends over, to play with. From her school.
Teach her that she has other friends too and that is GOOD.
My daughter, since Kindergarten, has had a friend, that is a boy. My daughter is now 9 years old. BUT, now that she and that boy are now at this age... they do not play together all the time. Sure, they are friends. But that does not mean they play with each other every day. And I am friends with that boy's Mom, too. But we both realize, that our kids are merely developing in their own way and per their gender, and that, there will not be.... congruence or sameness... in who they play with. And this is normal.
It is not being "mean." The kids now, just merely have different interests and inclinations. Per development.
It is time for your daughter to also, with your help, to develop other friendships. So you invite them, over.
And no, your daughter will not learn that boys will hurt her her whole life.
She is her OWN person.
You teach her that. That she has her own self-identity. Regardless if her friends are boys or girls.
And teach her, about people.
Don't teach her that "gender" is the basis for friends or not.
My kids know that.
They have friends of both genders.
Both boys OR girls, can be "mean"and/or have other friendships.
And that is, the bottom line.
So you teach your child, in time, what friendships are. And how to "discern" people and what a friend is.
At 4 years old, they do not have astute social skills nor analysis of it.
My son has a similar relationship with the 2 yrs older girl next door. I think of it as they are like siblings, when no one else is around they play together and it is Very convenient. But when one has a classmate/peer around they each go their own way and are fine with it. Invite another 4yr old girl over from time to time so you can remind her that when "Suzy" came over she didnt play with "J" I hope they can continue their friendship but also pursue many other friendships.
Find some play groups, take her to the library, find a MOPS group, there are children in your town.
On FB we have local moms groupls for the purpose of having play dates at McDonalds and Burger King. It's just posted and whomever wants to come can. That way moms and kids make new friends. Do not trust strangers to be telling you the truth though. You don't really know them. Having playdates in a neutral place gives some security.
It is a natural action for this boy to grow apart from her now. He is too old for her in reality now and being different genders makes that age gap even more pronounced. I would talk to J's mom and arrange a play date inside the house so he can't be distracted by seeing his friend. I would also invite the mom to come and then you guys can become closer if you hit it off. That is the only way this friendship is going to continue, he is not going to be friends with a younger girl when given the choice of a boy his age.
If she were in pre-K she would have a whole group of new friends and might not even be interested in him anymore too. This will most likely be a thing of the past once she starts Kindergarten. She will have a whole world of new experiences and she may not ever remember being friends with him.
What you told her is entirely true, little boys like to play with other little boys their own age, especially if they go to school together, they have that bond. It even happens with siblings, they sometimes "outgrow" each other.
Is your daughter in preschool or pre-K, does she go to storytime at the library, parks when the weather permits, etc.? Start getting her to interact with other children her own age, set up playdates, and help her to be able to have more friends. The bigger her world outside your complex the more opportunities she'll have to make more friends.
she will get over it let it go you have many years of this childish bs ahead relax its all a learning expericence
It is normal. First grade boys don't want to play with 4 year old girls. This boy may be your daughter's "best friend" but she is not his.
This may be hard for her to understand, explaining won't really do much for the time being. If she is in daycare/preschool, it would be good to arrange playdates with some of the girls from her class that she likes, or get her into an activity where she'll make some girl friends who she can have over, like a kiddie gymnastics class.
