I have tried everything in my power to make it so my daughter doesnt talk back to me. Its going between families. She lives with me full time but her dads parents take her every second weekend and every wednesday as per the parenting order. But no matter what i tell her about rules at mommies house and rules at gramma and grandpas house are completely different. I try to tell her that i dont tolerate some things that the grandparents let her do, but it doesnt phase her. What could i do any ideas?
All very good ideas, i have just one problem. Im a young mom, and the grandparents are pretty old parents themselves.. They are inbetween 65-70. They wont listen to me for anything i have to say and i have honestly put my foot down a number of times. For instance, i didnt want her hair cut i wanted her hair to grow out with the odd trim. They went ahead behind my back and gave her a pixie cut ( for those who dont know what that is, her hair was an inch long.... was very upset. ) I cant even threaten and say untill you understand my parenting rules and what i want and dont want you cant see her, because its under a parenting order. Its very frustrating! I think i will try the sit down meeting thing. Hopefully it all works out soon.... Thanks again guys, very appreciated!
I have a 15yo girl who did the same thing...and a 9yo boy who did it for longer...they still TRY.
The single best thing that helped me was the BOOK "1,2,3 Magic Effective Disclipine for Children 2-12"
by Thomas W. Phelan
It changed my life. I have parented without anger and frustration 90% of the time.
READ THE WHOLE THING!! SERIOUSLY, IT IS AMAZING!!
S.
Mediation is not only for when things are terrible... you could request to meet with the grandparents with a mediator. Purely the official nature of it may convince your daughter's grandparents of the serious nature of how you feel. It could also be helpful to have a neutral person present when the 3 of you talk.
Better to set boundaries now when it's something as minor as hair (but the issue is a big one; disregarding reasonable requests by the primary custodial parent, that are not transient in nature... aka not something that "stays at gramma's house"), before it starts turning into bigger issues later on... like withdrawing her from a chosen preschool/elementary school, putting her on (or taking her off of) medication, etc.
As to the "talking back", and having to repeat yourself over and over and over and OVER... a big part of that is the age thing. You'd be dealing with it regardless of where she spends her time. That she spends time away where undesirable behaviors are reinforced muddies the issue (and makes it harder), but you'd have the issue no matter what. Especially if that's her preferred way of either asserting her independence, or if that's just the way her mind is working right now. My very verbal son was incapable of not arguing over every little thing he didn't like OR didn't understand. I couldn't tell him no arguing (that was the way he was figuring out his world), but I COULD set very clear boundaries as to HOW he was allowed talk. IE: No whining, yelling, name calling, throwing fits. He'd get a "warning" (aka notice he was doing it, at that age many children just aren't aware), to give him the opportunity to change the behavior... and if he didn't consistent results. ((You NEVER get what you want when you whine (or throw a fit)... whining didn't = timeout, but yelling, namecalling, throwing fits and in other ways being mean/trying to hurt another person = timeout.))
My own mum watched my son for me while I was in school for years. No matter how appreciative (and how voluntary) that process was, there was also readjustment time, and sometimes it was hard hard hard. (ditto when daddy had him, and dad was living with us!!! 3 was the hardest period (we had the terrible threes in our house).
Eventually he "got" that the rules with ME were 100% consistent. My mum allows whining, and my husband caved each and every time (be he only saw our son at most, one day a week). I can't count the number of times I'd get the whole whining "Naaaanaaaa lets meeee do ________. Sheeeeeee's not meeeeeaaaan."
I found the best way to deal with it was to simply be matter of fact, and not waste emotional energy/confuse the issue by being upset.
"Different rules, kiddo." and then the reminder "You're whining, btw, love. What's the rule about whining?"
"I don't get what I want."
<grinning at him> "So... even if I WAS going to let you do it, and you were WHINING, it wouldn't happen, huh? I'm NOT going to let you do _______, but whining guarantees it. "
This might kick off a fit, which would then = timeout, and then we'd have to "talk about it" figuring out what was going on when, and a better way to do it next time. It might NOT kick off a fit. Regardless though, DS learned that Mum is a rock. And eventually learned to work within different rule sets. Kids are good at that. Very few of them use the same rules at school and at home, for example. But it does take them a little while to figure out "what belongs where" in any situation.
I would just stay the course. I'm sure it's frustrating for her (and you) being passed around, but some of it just may be normal too.
My youngest is 3yrs old and the 3's have been very trying on us -- she will be 4yrs old in January. Between my husband and I we joke "come on 4's" LOL. At the 3.5yr mark we were at our worst, she screamed over everything, threw herself on the floor, threw anything she could get her hands on -- all for something as simple as "yes, you can have that, but let mommy wash her hands". At this point we're just coming to the light at the end of the tunnel and we've just stayed the course -- that behavior does not get rewarded, and generally gets punished instead.
HTH
E.
Hi T. - Is the talking back the only behavior problem? How is her communication skills? Can she communicate in full sentences? If she has trouble with her communication skills (like one of my boys do) then they act out until they get what they desire or continue to act out because they can not figure out their feelings. Knowing this will help all of us tailor our advice better. Can you also share with us some of the differences in the rules at your home vs at the grandparents home? How is your relationship with the grandparents? What about having a meeting (without your daughter) to review the same rules to be applied at both homes and the same consequences for both locations. You can even type up the list and post it at both locations (use pictures with words - can help with the pre-reading skills). For consequences you can have time-outs, items taken away, etc (I remember when I was a kid we would get a bar of Ivory soap in our mouth - no chemicals - if we talked back or used a bad word, this was after a warning and knowing that it was wrong). You can even build in a reward chart that covers both homes (sticker for day if no rules broken, etc) and have rewards built into it.
Now granted if the relationship is not great between the two houses then you have your work cut out for you. You said that this arrangement is part of a parenting order... is there anything in that parenting order about behavior, rules, etc? If not, it might be an idea to see about adding that into the order (to make sure everyone us using the same rules will help make life much smoother for everyone in the long run). You might even see about finding a neutral person who can help mediate rules/boundaries between both homes, this could be a counselor, pastor, social worker. Tap into those around to help build up a good support network.
Clearly your daughter is pushing boundaries to test where those are. Kids thrive on boundaries! It is time to set clear expectations for her to live by, if she is given great leeway it will only get harder for everyone as she gets older. If everyone can take the time to invest in her now then life will be better for all involved. Take care & God Bless
Hello T.-
I'm a parent coach and I recommend all my parents have a written set of household rules with consequences listed. I also strongly suggest allowing the child to add their own rules (within reason). When children are a part of the rule making, they are more likely to comply.
After establishing the written rules, then you can point to the rule and consequence which were broken. It removes you from arguing, because the rules are written down.
The key to this is that everyone, kid & adult, follows the rules & consequences.
If you like to read, look at the Love & Logic series, they have a website too.
Good luck-
R. Magby
T.,
I think this is another test in patience for us parents. My daughter is 2 3/4 now, is in the same house every day/night and still has this huge attitude. Everything is Why??! or NO!!! or she'll argue with us in her toddlerese. It's quite frustrating, to put it mildly.
My best advice it to be consistent and predictable at your house. Some of her acting out may be a testing of the waters/boundaries, even though they've never changed. She may be really confused about the two different sets of rules.
Love her. Take deep breaths. Lock yourself in your car and scream as needed. Take more deep breaths. Hope this phase passes quickly. Take even more deep breaths.
Hope this helps,
Melissa
maybe u should tell the grandparents and her father that her rules need to be the same everywhere bc a child her age needs consistency. and being able to do something someplace else and not the other is just confusing for her.
Start reading or listening to the "Love and Logic" series. It's the best advice ever. Some of it might seem corny, but I tell ya, it works wonders and really gives a kid confidence to take responsibility.
Best of Luck!
One thing is, you need to talk with the grandparents about what is going on. Even though they have some of their own rules for their house, there are some rules that you apply that should stay consistent wherever your daughter may go. She is at a very influential age. Like a little recorder...if she also sees/hears something...she might be likely to repeat it.
