My Kids Are Taking My Parenting Joys Away! Help

I absolutely HATE it when my 3.5yo whines at me! I don't even listen to him; I just look at him and say, "I can't understand you when you talk like that," and walk away.

Buy "Love and Logic" book, read it and follow it. You will be amazed at how much easier it is to be consistent, and you will see results quickly.

Hang in there Mama. You already know what is needed and help is on the way!

So sorry you are having a tuff day! I think we all have these moments. As I type this I am happy to report that my 5 and 7 y/o are cleaning their rooms. They like to just throw all their clothes all over the floor and leave them there. I just as them to pick 'em up and stick them in the laundry basket once in a while.

You will need to stay firm on discipline. It will be really difficult and you'll deal with a lot of whining and defiance but if you explain to them that Mommy needs help and that you aren't going anywhere until the house is in order hopefully they will help out.

As a nine y/o I should think that she is able to understand that whining is obnoxious! You would be suprised how much a child that young knows. I would sit her down and explain to her that she needs to stop whining and start helping.

Perhaps you can set up a chore list for them to follow. Things they can do to help you. Explain that this will free up more time for you which means more time to do more fun things.

My girls help set and clean the table, they are even starting to load up the dishwasher too. They make their beds, pick up toys and clothes, and put away their clean clothes as well. My 5 y/o has learned to use her foot stool to hang things up allowing her to be even more independant.

I will even ask them to organize out shoe rack once in a while. Simple tasks that I know they can do. They even vacuume sometimes.

Good luck and Happy cleaning!

sounds like you need a chore board. Like a white board. Make it easy. Put on there ... Before you can ask mom for anything or turn on the TV you must

make your bed
tidy up your room
throw all dirty clothes in bin
Throw away a trash
eat breakfast
clean up kitchen
fold or put away clean clothes.

they can put check marks after the items that they are finished with. etc. Set up your day like a school day. sounds like a little structure might work and they can be rewarded for doing their chores. Stickers are fun too. Make it fun. Time them. Set up a timer. Sing songs. Put some music on and dance while you are vacuuming. Music makes kids dance and have fun and they stop complaining.

LOVE and LOGIC! I urge you to read the book "Parenting with Love and Logic" and recommend taking Love and Logic classes or reading their materials. You can get them from the library for free or buy them at http://www.loveandlogic.com/ecom/p-204-teen-package-a-21-...

The Love and Logic approach is all about tough love--being firm and consistent in letting children suffer the natural (logical) consequences of their actions, while doing so in a very gentle and loving way, having true empathy in your heart. No yelling and fighting on your part when you enforce your rules (very hard!) My mom parented this way, and I really appreciate my upbringing. I feel she was a very effective and loving parent who helped prepare us for the real world. When my brothers shot out the street lights with a BB gun, she called the cops and they had to do community service to pay to fix them, but she was never mean and punitive about it. She was firm, but loving. Last week when my kids wouldn't help with the laundry (on a weekend) I just did it by myself and then told them in the morning after their bath, "Oh, this is so sad. People who help wash the clothes get to wear the clothes," and all they got to wear all day was underwear. We had planned on going to the museum and inviting friends over for lunch, but we couldn't do any of that since they weren't wearing clothes. In the afternoon my son begged if he could help me do the laundry, so I did a load with his help and the whole time we were doing the laundry he kept saying, "Thank you SO much for letting me help, Mom," because that meant he got to wear clothes the rest of the day. I really liked the change in attitude, brought about by logical consequences. And make sure you choose your battles carefully and avoid being too controlling. This can be a struggle for me. Only you can decide the limits you want to set, but choose them carefully and consistently enforce what you set even if it's hard and follow through.

I tell my son
"The fastest way to fun is to get the work done".
When the 9 yr old starts complaining tell her
"Absolutely! But complaining about it is not helping it get done any faster. Many hands make light work.".
Sending them to their room(s) is fine if there is nothing for them to play with there (no computer, no TV, no games, few toys, few books) otherwise they just get out of doing the work and their punishment turns into a reward.
PS: Did anyone really tell you parenting was all fun? There are parts I really love, but there are parts that just seem to have to be endured.

How can something we truly love, like motherhood and our children, be so frustrating!?! But it sure can be.

You have a lot of good comments already, and I won't repeat them. (Much.) One of my children uses the Love and Logic system at his house and it seems to work well. I notice that when his children are at my house, they'll run amok if I don't establish a pattern, but once I do, they're easy to get along with and even pretty happy.

While you're working things out, here are two other things for you to do (yes, just what you wanted - more to do):

1) Leave your laundry and cleaning and go sit somewhere. If your husband's home, go sit where your family isn't. Sometimes we just need to get our brains together. Give yourself a time out! Breathe! Let your mind unscramble! The problems can wait for fifteen minutes. They won't go away, but they'll wait. You're in charge, not the situations.

2) When you feel you can think straight, think about the difference between RESPONDING and REACTING. When you've thought something through, you're responding, and when it's just a knee-jerk thing, you're reacting. Reacting is yelling back when they yell. (Nobody should get an award for being the loudest yeller. Not even Mom.) Responding is having decided already what you will do when a child you love is out of order. Police officers don't give you tickets for speeding because they're mad at you; they do it because that is the pre-decided consequence for breaking the speed rules.

Once you think about that for a while, you're ready to move on to a plan, and you have some good suggestions about plans.

This is not guilt-tripping on you. It's just that since - not if, but since - you are going to change the way things are managed at your house, you change your part of it first. You're the leader! They need to follow the leader!

Just as if they were "terrible twos," you want to be both friendly and firm about putting your new plan into action. When your girls find that whining just doesn't work, they won't play that game so much. When they find that shouting "No!" doesn't get them any power, they will drop it (and think of something else).

P.S. This is off the main point but I'll add it. When it comes to helping with some of the work at home, I've tried the Flylady timer thing with my granddaughters, and it's been quite successful so far. When they visit, they have jobs that match their ages and abilities. Because they're so young, I set the timer for five minutes instead of fifteen, but they like the idea of work being timed. It's more like a game that way, I think. They don't get their jobs done perfectly, but they do get them done pretty well, and that's what I want. I want to help build the basic skills - the proficiency will come later.

Wow, sounds familiar! Mine are 13, 11 and 6. All girls. What works for us is telling them yes, you can have friends over or go somewhere, but we have to get the chores done first. The sooner we get them done, the sooner you can do something fun! We still hear the whining and complaining, and yes, the 6 year old, like your 4 year old, gets angry and stamps her feet and screams and yells. We do our best to ignore that behavior and she wears herself out eventually. The funny thing is, they usually end up having fun while they're cleaning their rooms, putting away laundry, etc. They turn on their music loud and sing and dance around while they're working. The hardest part is getting started but my husband and I just stick to our guns and say 'if you get _____ done, then you can do _____.' Then we have to put up with the moans and groans. Sometimes my husband loses his patience and yells, then we have tears, which I really hate...everything goes better if we both keep our cool and just don't waver. I know it's hard but you can do it! Just remember you are the adult and you are setting the example. If you yell, you are teaching them that yelling is an appropriate response to a stressful situation. Take some deep breaths, and if you don't think you can respond to them without yelling, just don't respond. Sometimes ignoring can be the most powerful form of discipline! Good luck!

No Greater Joy ministries has awesome books that help with this exact thing. You can get their books cheap from their website (and I think on Amazon also.) NoGreaterJoy.org Their books are "To Train Up a Child" by Michael Pearl and they have "To Train Up a Child" Vol 1,2 and 3.

Set up basic ground rules and stick to them. Be kind, do chores etc. Be cheerful and joyful. If your child screams and gets mad all of a sudden (I'm battling this with my 7 year old too UGH!!) Just have her go to her bed until she calms down. If your sweet child whines and complains about everything (my 9 year old does this too now that I think of it...LOL) then put her in time-out for it. Set up ground rules, set up a flexible schedule, have fun with your kids and be cheerful! They will learn through consistency and by your example. If you have joy and have fun with them, then they'll be happy too. It's not easy to start but once you do this, you'll be amazed at how things turn around quickly! Good luck!

PS... consistency doesn't work???? LOL Funny!!

You're the Mommy. :) Just tell them what they need to do. If they want to go do something fun, then we all work together and do the "boring" stuff together so it will be done quicker. Your children are displaying selfish traits. You can teach them to work joyfully. Put music on, sing, laugh, work. You said you are all over the board when it comes to discipline and consequences. I would suggest that this is why your children are out of contol. They need guidelines and consistency. They need to know where the boundaries are. It is not hard to do this. It is so much harder when you don't. Home should be a haven, a safe, joyful and peaceful place to be. You, as the parents, set that tone. It will only continue to get worse if you keep it at the status quo. Stop yelling at them. That does no good. You will need to discipline. You need to be consistent and loving in it. It is not more merciful and loving to not discipline. Undisciplined children are a nightmare to be around. I wouldn't want one of them. However, I would love 10 disciplined children! Such joy and fun! Teach them how to work. Teach them to love each other. Teach them to be thankful. You have to teach them. Children do not come wired this way. None of us do. We are a grumbling people! But, if you can teach thankfulness, and honor and joyful countenance, you are well on your way. And, stop yelling. Did I say that already? It destroys a household.

You already have the answers! Families are a team, and fun starts when everyone on the team has done their part, not until. You need a family meeting where all the house rules are spelled out, then everyone helps decide what their punishments will be for breaking the rules. You negotiate everything until everyone agrees. Post them . The next time someone doesn't live up to their job expectations, bingo---it's in black and white. No yelling necessary on your part, no whining "that's not fair", and they all learn to accept responsibility for their actions, or inactions, as the case may be. Get the little jobs you hate on the list of punishments, picking up dog poop, cleaning toilets, washing dishes or putting them away, whatever. It works better than taking away things, especially with teenagers. Get everyone excited about it by doing special things when everyone has a good week. They'll actually end up helping each other because nobody gets to go or do until it's all done. (They'll also rat each other out when someone slacks off or tries to get away with something.) We learned this technique from a family therapist when we had 5 teenagers in one house!! Worked very well. Good luck.

One strategy that I learned from my son's teachers is to use a "first.., then.." plan. First, we do laundry- then we can go to the park. First you do your worksheet, then you can do a maze.
Or make a schedule of everything you're going to do that day, so they won't keep asking what's next. This could help if they're needing more structure, and they can't argue with a chart.(I don't have the patience to do this myself).
What worked for me when I was a kid, was to make up a game using dice, spinners, or cards. If you get a yellow 2, then you have to clean up 2 yellow things, etc.

You probably have so many resources already - but I have to add this one - Life Skills for Kids by Christine Field - she goes really thoroughly through methods for training your children in the various skills of life - managing your home - chores - and she has a great list of age appropriate chores; money management - allowance type things, ....

God bless you!
A.

Hi!

I have also have two daughters. A 10 year old and an 8 year old. I feel your pain! One thing that I have been consistent with is TV time. It is currently about 8:42 in AZ and at 7:30 they asked if they can watch TV. No, was the answer as I was loading laundry. I received several moans. I do not let the TV go on until 9am, otherwise they would just sit comatose all morning. They decided to build a fort in their room. I have no problem with that. Right now I have a little peace and quiet and can actually check out my e-mails and drink a cup of coffee. My next step is to give them a 10 minute warning (because we would not want to be told we have to stop and do something immediately when we are having fun) and let them know they need to get the room cleaned up, get in the shower and get ready for the day. Try to explain to them that you cannot entertain them all the time, you have responsibilities and so do they. Also, let them know the consequences as well. Example: If you do not clean your room, then you will not be able to watch TV. My girls have dessert taken away from them if they do not behave properly (dessert is HUGE in my home). Whatever you choose you really need to stick with it. Make sure your husband is on board with this too. Remember, it will not be overnight. Sit the kids down and explain to them what your plan will be.

I hope this helps!

LOL, I remember the days. Don't kids usually take away most of one's parenting joys?

I was all over the board when it came to discipline and consequences, I never stuck to any one thing for long, and did too much yelling myself. I think the only reason my style worked at all is because I loved them intensely at the same time, and gave them lots of praise and attention.

I have no advice for you, others can give you techniques, I'm just putting in my two cents to tell you it is possible to raise wonderful human beings using this technique. :) But I'm exhausted just reading your post.

Wow! You sound overwhelmed, and your kids sound like they need to know that you are not an entertainment service robot! (I mean this with love, as my son sometimes confuses me with this sort of creature.) I'd try two tools, The first is the resources on the Positive Discipline website---they have great books and I think, even books on tape/disc. The second is the book "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen...and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish.This book helped me enjoy my work as both a preschool teacher and mom so much more.

One other suggestion--create a structured time(s) that the kids can rely on you to be doing your own housework, every day. The onus is on them to entertain themselves or join in the cleaning party. I do think that, when they are whining and not helping, that being sent to their room until they are ready to ask a question in a *friendly way* (such as "Mom, could you help me get such-and-such out, please?") is fine. Or your mantra could just be "help me or go play. I can't play right now. If you want to spend time with me, you can help with (whatever you are doing)" is also fine. Boundaries which mean business may not feel better for them, but they'll buy you some peace.

Good luck!

There is a great book I highly recommend all parents read, "Making Your Kids Mind Without Losing Yours", by Dr. Kevin Leman. He writes in an entertaining way, while teaching parents how to deal with problems exactly as you have described. He uses a method called "reality discipline", which uses discipline in a consistent, loving way. I found this book to be so helpful, and it's an easy read.
Here is an example from Dr. Leman's book. His young teen made plans to go to the mall one Saturday afternoon. His dad (Dr. Leman) had asked him to do a chore that morning. He didn't monitor the progress until his son came to him asking him to drive him to the mall. "Did you finish the chore?" The son had to confess that no, he didn't. "Son, how can you ask me to do this for you when you didn't do the thing I asked you to do?" (I'm paraphrasing.) Dr. Leman didn't back down, didn't make deals (like saying "Well, I know your friends are waiting on you, so I'll take you this time, but you better get it done when you get back". We've all done that. But part of reality discipline is ensuring that kids know they must take responsibility. Dr. Leman wants to have children grow up NOT to be whiney-everyone-owes-me-and-I-don't-owe-society-anything-in-return adults. His son, by the way, didn't go to the mall that day, did get his chore done, and next time knew what he had to do and did it.

Sounds like you already know the answer. Be consistent! Make up some house rules and post them where every one can see them. Let them know if they break a rule what the consequence will be. Then STICK TO IT! If the don't pick up, they get a warning. If they still don't clean up, time out. If that still doesn't work, get out the garbage bag. Throw anything on the floor in the bag. They can earn it back. If it happens again, donate the stuff. Obviously they don't care enough about it to take care of it. 9 is too old to me whining all the time. Tell her you can't hear her when she talks like that. She is more than welcome to rephrase her question in a normal tone of voice. But again, CONSISTENCY is the key.

Parenting with Love and Logic! Get it today! Some of your area churches may even have classes you can take. This book will teach your how to raise responsible children. HTH!

You need a system. Everybody gets a chore in the house. It rotates weekly so no one is stuck doing the same thing. Obviously the four year old receives age appropriate things, emptying small trash cans, sweeping, etc. I repeat the mantra "There is no fun until our chores are done!" This teaches them that you expect their assistance and there will not be a reward for not contributing to the house. I find it helpful to write it down and post it on the fridge. They are to mark it off when it is finished. cb

I know the feeling. We have a 14 year old, 2 and a half and 4month old baby.
Just when you finish with one another one starts. The 14 year old is bored and the 2 and a half year old throws a fit. I don't really have any solutions just talk to them as much as possible about what kind of behavior is acceptable and what is not. Try to positvely re-inforce I know that is not always easy. I have just decided until everyone gets a little bigger there will be times when things aren't easy. But your older children should know better. Re-inforce being grounded until they get the picture this is serious because you are not happy. Good luck

Here are some tips from Love and Logic workshop and more details at the link below:
http://blogs.goddardsystems.com/Cedar-Park-TX/2010/08/11/...
When children whine and argue it is tempting to say, “Stop!,” “Quit whining!,” or “Calm down!” However, the next time your child has a meltdown, try repeating, “I will be happy to listen when your voice is calm like mine,” or, “I will be happy to help when your voice is calm like mine,” in a non-emotional voice. Parents report that if they are calm and consistent, it doesn’t take long for their children to learn that the adult is not going to get hooked into the argument. And, the child learns to calm down quickly!

Hi M. D.

Where to start? I've posted a lot of great responses to many of your issues. You might look there.

It sounds like it is time to set some boundaries on acceptable behavior for your 4 year old. Have you heard of the book "Parenting with Love and Logic"? It has a lot of great ideas you can use.

I'd also be happy to visit by phone with you briefly about this. Give me a call if you'd like. My contact information is listed with Mamapedia.

Good luck,
Parent Coach J. B.

the 4 yr old needs time out when she stomps and screams. i hope your already doing that and continue to do so . my favorite kids ages are 3-8 because after eight they start that whiney complaining stage. blah. i suggest constantly telling her she can talk to you if she dosent whine. keep on her and intrupt any whining explain to her that its annoying and you dont want people to be annoyed by her. its not too late to get there act together. its up to you to be the parents. when the nine yr old says laundry is boring. this or that is boring tell her to hurry and do it as fast as she can so the fun stuff can happen. when the four yr old says no to what you ask thats time out too. explain to her why she is in time out when she sits down and when she gets out then have her do the task you asked. if she says no again tell her she dosent have a choice and needs to get her chores done now. we had chore charts as kids. i suggest you watch nanny 911. i am not kidding your kids might not be as horrid as those other kids but her diciplin metheods are key for you to learn.

To stop the whining, my kids tell their kids to use their "happy" voices. If they ask for something in a whiny voice the answwer is "No." They are told if they use their happy voice they will probably get what they asked for. I always insisted my kids use please and thank you and you're welcome when they asked for something. When they got to be older (teenagers) and they would ask for something I would simlply tell them "No" if they hadn't asked politely. If they asked why not?, I'd either tell them they didn't ask right or I'd put my had up to my ear like I was having a hard time hearing them.

Other moms have given you good advice, especially B., JoAnn, and Nancy B. So I won't repeat it. I stopped the "I'm bored" comments by asking my "bored" kids if they wanted something to do so they wouldn't be "bored". (I'd like to shoot the person that said life has to be exciting all the time or that kids always have to be entertained.) I always had a room that needed to be dusted or vacuumed or a garden that needed weeds pulled.

We used job charts to define responsibilities. Work preceedes the fun. Be consistant in dealing with your kids. Your husband should support you 100% and should be on board before you have your family meeting to explain the new rules.

Good luck to you and yours.

You have rec'd some great advice. Just one thing to add. You ask for help and don't get it... Next time a child asks you for something, a ride, a friend over whatever. Say NO. Even if it dirsupts your schedule. Send the message clear, don't argue/yell about it, just say no and walk away. You can explain it later.

I've been feeling the same motherhood frustrations. I want to enjoy my stubbon 4 yr old SO badly, but he fights me on EVERYTHING. I feel like I've tried everything too. I try to stay consistent with discipline, but nothing seems to change his behavior. I'm looking forward to hearing some responses.

If you're like most of us that have this situation, it is because believe it or not we allow it. You are probably that person who is accomodating to your children and want to please each one of them. Then they get whiney, use you, and everybody needs your attention. You get overwhelmed and the whole place is chaos, because quite frankly you are not superwoman, even though everyone thinks you are. You have probably trained them to think so based on that too. You say you're not consistent and boy does that make a difference. That is definitely one of the reasons. The children need structure and some time out. I believe in outdoors because after a while 3 or 4 people in the same room together for an xtended period can get on each other's nerves moving from wall to wall, cranky, tired, needy and PMS (lol). Just take them outside every once in a while let them BREATHE. Come back inside and let them settle down, then present the chores you need help with. I know for sure you're not alone in that boat and it can get frustrating. Everyone needs their space and time alone to just chill. Take heart, and run to the bathroom for escape if you have to (lol) All the best.