HELP! My 4 Year Won't Sleep in Her Own Room.

Hi M.!

Yea, the same thing happened to my youngest son. I believe it's my fault, actually, because I was always too tired to get him back to his own bed when it ALL counted, so I just let him stay. Plus, I loved his "smell", so I didn't mind his snuggles :o)

But, like you, after a long time, you feel like you need to reclaim your own bed.

I started laying with him until he fell asleep. Yep, the old-fashioned toddler training. Then I went to bed. Yes, he did come in between 1-4am when he realized he was alone, but the trick was actually getting him used to his own bed, so I allowed the early morning entry. I just DIDN'T let him know that I knew he was sneaking in bed with me :o)

After about 2 months of trying to be consistent, he began to fall asleep in his own bed, and still only occassionally comes to our room during the night. I still allow it, because I know it's a security thing and as his mom, I will not be the one to take away any of his securities :O) I know he will eventually stay all night in his own bed. I can be patient enough for that day :o)

I hope sharing my same experience with you has made you feel that's it's somewhat "OK" to be having this "problem". Sometimes, we moms do the only things we can "in the moment", then months later wish we had done something different. Well, the "damage" is already done, so we need to patient to UN-do anything we allowed in the first place. It's not your daughter's fault, you gave her the "OK". It's just now time for her t o learn another "OK" from you.

It will all work out :o)

N.

Four is an age of disequilibrium. It's an age of anxiety for the child, and it is clear that she needs comfort from you. In most of the world, infants and children sleep with their parents for at least the first four years, and often much longer. My youngest son slept with us until he was seven, at which time he said, "This bed is too small for all of us, I want my own bed!" Of course, his bed had been there for him for years. He'd stored his toys on top and under it. Finally, it became a place for him to sleep.

While the years of childhood seem to take forever, as children grow from one stage to the next, they, in truth, are fleeting. When they are past, you'll wonder where they went, and when you have given your all to your children, you'll be glad you did!

By meeting your child's needs, she will thrive, instead of having to develop survival skills. She'll not have to spend the rest of her life trying to meet those needs, you'll have helped her through this developmental phase by ensuring that she is all the more secure because you gave her what she needed.

You are the parent and you make the rules. A 4-year old needs to follow them. You MUST be consistent and just tell her that if she wants "big girl" priviledges (later bedtime, playdates, etc.) that she must stay in her bed.

Each time she gets up, take her back. Even if it means you take her back 25 times the first night and 22 times the 2nd night. It will eventually work. Be CONSISTENT!

You and your husband must nip this in the bud now before the baby somes. Once she sees the attention that a newborn gets, this will only get worse.

Please remember that our children learn what we teach them and you have taught her that she cannot get herself to sleep, that she makes the rules, she gets what she wants, etc.

Teach her that she can soothe herself, teach her that big girls do not sleep with Mommy and Daddy, teach her that in order to get priviledges she must follow the rules.

It is that simple.

God bless and good luck,
B.

M.,

You have gotten a lot of wonderful advise here. I concure with it all because I am currently going through this same issue. One step forward, 2 back. Good luck to you.

Hi M.! This is a hard one - our first was the exact same way. When he turned 3 we came to a compromise. If he was truly scared, he could come into our room, but he could only sleep at the foot of our bed in a little roll out bed we placed there - and could NOT wake us up.
We also recorded his favorite stories (and his grandparents did too!) and put them on CD. He was allowed to listen to the story CD as long as he stayed in his room and in his bed and it worked wonders. He loved it! With the roll out bed and the CD, he only came in a couple of times a week, then once a week, then once a month and within a few weeks he was sleeping entirely on his own every night. Good luck!
Jen

I had a good friend who had luck with a reward chart. They came up with something that the child really wanted. They made a chart and she got a sticker for every night that she stayed in bed the whole night. I can't remember if they needed to go through multiple prizes (i would imagine that it might take more than one prize. ) you may want to have a special outing as a prize (dinner in restaurant with just mommy/daddy) so that it can be an on-going thing. Other than that, just consistency: never let her sleep in your bed at all. Keep putting her back immediately.

Hi M.,

Don't feel alone on this. I have a 4 year old son who does the same exact thing. The only times he sleeps in his room is if he happends to fall sleep while watching tv in his bed.. which doesn't happen often. I tell him the same thing, that he is a big boy now and needs to sleep in his own bed and that every child and parent needs their space and privacy.. he says "OK Mommy" but then when it's time to actually go in his bed and go nite nite he starts crying saying that he is scared. I also put several spider man night lights and spongebob night lights in his room and it still doesn't help. I hope by the time he is 5 years old he will get out of this boogie monster stage and i am scared to sleep in the dark stage. I would say don't pressure her to do it but encourage her, there is a difference. I am also going to try laying in his bed with him until he goes to sleep, reading a story or what ever, to see how that goes. If you haven't tried that then go ahead and try it. If you get other advice please let me know too.

Best of luck to you
C. Z

I came across this situation with each of our children (three born in a four year period). Sometimes they were waking up because they actually needed to use the bathroom, but because the house was quiet and mom and dad weren't in the room, they wanted security. In those cases I started with watching how much they drank before bed.
One seemingly simple thing that helped: When I put them to bed, I had a pretty jar of what was actually a nice smelling powder. I said was full of mommy's love. I'd put a touch of the powder on their nose, cheeks, and wrists. They could see it on their wrists, rub it in if they like, and they knew mommy's love is surrounding them all night. Daddy had to learn the routine, because they expected it even if I was out of town.
The kids are now 16, 17 and 19...well-adjusted and with fond memories of that jar.

You're going to have to be firm. When she comes into your room you just need to get up and take her back to her room. Explain it to her only once that she needs to sleep in her own room, after that just take her back to her room without talking. It will take a few nights but she'll get the point and stay in her own room. If you waiver at all and let her stay in your room at any point you'll have to start all over again.

Dear M.,
I don't know if this story will comfort you but my intentions are good here. My son (now 4.25) couldn't get through a night in his own from from 2.5 - 3.5 years.

Let me first say that I was beside myself and tried bargains, threats, bribes, sleep therapists and even (for one night, on their draconian advice)to lock him in his room. I was also pregnant with my second (and then had 2 kids waking me up) for a full year.

Finally, we put a little sleeping bag / cot thing at the foot of our bed and trained Toby to come into our room and settle himself into it WITHOUT waking us. Most nights it worked. Some nights he still woke me up. We recognized that the changes in our household (impending, arriving new baby) had made him feel he needed us. We couldn't stop that need, only make it easier for us all to manage. After about 9 months, this started to taper off. Our sleep therapist said that he would grow out of it and he did.

Now, at 4, I remind him that he is old enough to fix his covers or go to the bathroom without waking us. I'm still empathetic to bad dreams, however. You can't turn a sobbing kid away.

So, there's two ways to go here: realize that she'll stop soon and make some rules around her being in your room (get a small cot, do not wake up mommy) OR use the incentives / threats approach. She's old enough to respond to real incentives and mild threats.

All the best! I've been there, it's SO hard.

There are so many theories out there about getting your kid to sleep thru the night &/or sleep in their own beds but the key to it all is to be consistent. Find a method that you, your daughter & husband are comfortable w/& stick to it. Do not waiver or she will run w/that so stick to the plan every night. Our youngest son (3) wakes up at least once a night probably 4 nights outa the week. Most times he's so asleep, he's barely aware that I've taken him back to bed. Both our boys have always gone to sleep w/soft music playing so when I take the 3 yo back to bed, I turn on the music, rub his back a bit, give him a kiss & he's off to lala land. I rarely talk to him cuz this just causes him to wake up. A lot of the methods say to avoid talking to your kids & just walk them back to bed. So, maybe try turning on some music while she falls alseep. When she does come into your room, don't talk to her, walk her back to bed, turn on some music & leave the room. Chances are, you will have to do this several times a night until she realizes you mean business & want her to stay in bed but the key is to be super consistent. Good luck!

My son was the same way from age 2 until 3.5. We just transitioned him to his own room about 4 months ago. He still came to our bed at 1 AM, but we allowed it. He just was allowed at the bottom of the bed, because we didn't have much room with the new baby with us as well! Anyway, eventually, he came to our bed less and less. Then he started asking me to come to his room at 1 AM when he woke up, which I thought was a step in the right direction. So I usually go and sit there next to him for about 3 to 5 minutes and then I tell him goodnight. He also plays soft music when he goes to bed. Some nights, I hear him get up and turn the music back on and go back to bed on his own, so I think the music helps tremendously. He also has a night light right next to his face. it is the kind that changes colors from red to green to blue to purple, so he likes to lay there and watch the different colors. I think we got it at Home Depot. The main thing is that your daughter feel like she will still be able to count on you for security even as she transitions to her own bed. Eventually, she will become more and more independent. I can see it in my own son in the course of only four months. good luck!

Wee first make sure her bed is comfortable to her. My daughter didn't want to sleep on her bed because she couldn't, once I got her a better bed then it was much easier to wean her. I started with the rule that we got a snuggle in my bed, with "talk time" which was prayers and a chat about the day then I walked her to her bed and tucked her in and said a goodnight blessing. Gave her a special night light so the room has enough light for her to see just about everything and I use a baby monitor. I explained how it works to her so she can call if she needs help. When she tries to come to bed I explain at night she has her bed, in the morning she can snuggle in mine (and morning is defined by how much light is outside). To start the process I had her bed in my room and once sleeping there worked then it was moved to her own room.

I would get her a pet to care for. Maybe a puppy. Gini

Hi M., I feel your pain. I have a 7 year old boy and a 4 year old girl who still come to our room. This is what we do. After prayer and night lullabies they are put into their own beds. When they come to our bed, I don't even let them get in the bed, I walk back with them to their room and get them settled back into their bed. I usually stay with them for a couple of minutes rubbing their backs or what not. If I am exceptionally tired, I don't even notice that they are in our bed until I wake up. Of course they come to Mommy's side as Daddy is real quick to take them back to their room if they managed to get all the way in. We make a big deal in the morning if they actually stay in their own bed for the whole night. Because they shared a room for almost 3 years, adjusting to their own rooms increased the number of nights they would wonder from their beds. But after 5 wks, they are starting to get settled. Good luck.

We had this problem with my step son when he was the same age. We made a little bed at the foot of our bed on the floor, let him sleep there all night at first. Then took him into his bed after he fell a sleep, for a while. Then moved him out into the big hall area, so if he woke up he would get used to not being in the room and maybe just roll over and go back to sleep. After a week or so we made a big deal about him going to sleep in his own room. It took some time but well worth it. When we had our daughters we never aloud co-sleeping. If they had the flu, we would make a bed on the floor. We never locked the door,the whole night, it only causes panick and screaming. It happened once on accident, that was a nightmare. Also you can try using a radio. Good luck, don't give up, its worth the effort!!

Hi M.,

I have four kids and the three older ones have all done this. In your bedtime routine, you should include reading a story to her in her bed, in her room. Then when it's lights out time, you will need to sit in her room with her until she falls asleep. Then when/if she wakes up in the middle of the night, she is in the same place where she started. Of course, she'll still get up and go into your room. But when she does, you must get out of bed and take her back to her room.

When you sit with her, it's important that you establish the "rules". No playing, no talking - just relax and rest your body. If you tell kids to go to sleep, they do the opposite. If you bring your laptop in with you, sit facing her so she won't be distracted.

It's a pain in the neck but after about 3-4 weeks, if you are consistent, she will start sleeping in her bed. When I was trying to get my oldest to sleep in his room, many times I would take him back to his bed and fall asleep with him on his bed. I'd wake up at 4:30am and wonder how I got there! But after time, he got the point.

And just so you know, it's natural for kids to always want that cuddle time with mom and dad. I let my 8 and 9 year old have cuddle time in the morning with me. I have to get it in while they still want it!

Good luck!

I think how you approach it depends on why she doesn't want to sleep alone in her room. Is she scared of "monsters" or is she acting out because you're pregnant, etc.

If she is scared of monsters, try "Monster Spray," which can be whatever you mix with some water in a spray bottle that she gets to spray around her room. We got our daughter a special bottle and I mixed some nice smelling oils into the water and she sprayed to keep monsters away. It worked most of the time.

There were times my husband or I had to sleep on the floor in her room for a while. She went through stages. We slept in there until she fell asleep and then went to our room. She was initially excited to have her "big girl" room, but I think she began to want more attention when it became clear the baby was coming soon.

Our "baby" is now 18 months old and our 5 year old sleeps in her room by herself without problems. She occasionally wants to sleep with us in our room, and we let her sometimes with letting her know it is only for one night. Also, if she has a bad dream, she comes in with us...which isn't too often.

Talking to her to try to figure out what is really going on is probably the first step...good luck.

tell her she may lay with you for a few minutes (15) then she needs to go back to her room. She probably still enjoys/ needs that cuddle time. Once the time is up or you wake up and notice she is still in your bed take or send her back to her bed. You can make it a policy that she only enters your bed once per night. As long as you stick to the policy, it will be a win- win situation. there may be a few tears or you may need to walk her back to her bed/ push her out of yours a time or two at first.

Is she scared? We had this problem with our son. A therapist had us kind of "ween" him out of our room. First we got him out of our bed and onto the floor for about a week, then in the doorway of our room and the hallway for about week, then in the doorway of his room and the hallway and finally back to his bed. It actually worked! Then after being in his own room for about a month a family member needed a place to stay so we let him use our son's room and put our son with our daughter, now we can't get him out of her room!!! Maybe I need to use the advice I just gave you, well now that I think about it good luck to us both!!! Congrats on the baby!!

I feel your pain! My daughter just recently started to sleep in her own room and she just turned 5. I ended up buying this flower light from IKEA(http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/00097950), it goes on the wall, it's cute and cheap($10)...we put a low watt bulb in it and leave it on in her room pretty much all night. That way when she wakes up she is not scared and knows where she is. We also put her to sleep in her bed by playing some music, such as Dora the Explorer or princess songs. We will lay with her until she falls asleep sometimes (sometimes, I say I have to go potty and I will be right back....when I return in 5 minutes, she is usually asleep!). We also made a sticker chart and she gets stickers if she sleeps in her own bed. Then there are rewards for getting stickers. I bought some inexpensive little toys/stickers for a "treasure box" and when she gets 5 stickers she gets to go to the treasure box. Hope that helps!!!

We made a big deal about her growing up, a birthday was approaching and we just moved into this house.She was about the same age as your daughter. As it turned out Bombay Kids was having a FANTASTIC sale, so we had her pick out her bed (deep brown, 4 poster with canopy). We shopped for bed curtains and window curtains, bed covers,sheets, etc. Allowing her to make big girl decisions. (Of course, anything I absolutely hates the store didn't have the right size.) Once she settled on her colors and everything arrived, together we put her big girl room together.

Then she crawled back in bed w/me. I used to get up and walk her back, but that just ruined my sleep. I didn't really care that she crawled in in the middle of the night as long as my sleep wasn't disturbed....come in quietly, crawl up the foot of the bed (not over me), and covers on (no kicking them off).

As others have said, I too am not very good about the boundary. In fact, she's snuggled up next to me as I type this very instant.

Starting next week, she will go to sleep in her room on school night. She may come into our room in the early morning. Clear not clearly defined to give her wiggle room with in the agreement to slip in bed when she feels the need to.

Yes, she's 7 and still in our bed.
Good luck,
S