3 1/2 Year Old Throwing HUGE Fit at Daycare Drop off - NEED ADVICE!!!

I was a assistant director of a Day Care for quite a few years. Some children have trouble with the drop off and some don't. Sometimes when a parent prolongs the goodbyes it is harder then if they bring them in and say their goodbyes with a kiss and leave. Some do cry for a few minutes after the parents drops them off but most are off playing as soon as mom or dad gets into the car to go. Ask the teacher how long she cries after you leave. If it is more then a few minutes, find out if a child has been mean to her or is something changed, like a new teacher or if her friends from before decided to play with someone else. Chances are she is learning to control the situation with the extra kisses and such and she misses you when you aren't there. I remember one little boy who carried on horribly when his mom dropped him off with the more kisses and no momma don't go, but when his dad dropped him off it was "bye daddy, love you" and he was off playing.

As a teacher at a daycare center, I see this a lot. My advice to you is to do the same thing at drop off every time. For example, tell her before you get there that you will walk in, put her stuff away, go find something to play with and then she will get ONE big hug and ONE big kiss and then you have to go to work. She may cry the first few times but if its consistent, she will come to expect it an be ok with it. I find that kids try and drag out the goodbye process in hopes that mom or dad wil stay longer or not leave at all. The longer its dragged on, the harder it is. So, don't make it super short, but try and not make it too long of a goodbye.
Good Luck!

Hi,

We had a similar problem with our 3 1/2 year old. She was only going two days and once we brought her up to 3 days a week, it was much better. Staying with that schedule worked wonders - the more she was there, the more she expected it and wanted to join back with her friends. From 3 1/2 to 4, children really make a progression to having fulfilling friendships. The more she sees them, the more she'll want to run and play with them.

I am no expert, but I run a home daycare, to me it sounds like your 3 year old is finding out that whatever she wants you to do, you do. As you leave home tell her that when you get there you will give her a kiss and say good-bye and that is it. The longer you keep it going the worse it will be. Give her the kiss, tell her she is fine and you will be back later, and LEAVE. She is in control if you keep doing what she says. A lot of kids that are just part-timers go through this about her age. They are trying to play you to get you to stay home with them every day, not just some days. I am sure if you shorten the good-bye's and just go it will get better. It may take a week or more depending on how strong willed your daughter is, you HAVE to out last her. It will get better.

She is likely just going through a stage that hopefully won't last long. I think if you are consistent in your plan for drop off it will be shorter lived than if you let her make numerous demands. Here are some ideas that you can take or leave:) The most important thing is that you are consistent (both you and your husband) in your routine.
1) You and your husband decide what you are going to do - Plan the number of kisses/hugs, etc. and then lay out the plan for her. OR
2) You have a "drop off bag" that has slips of paper in them with different things written on them "hug", "kiss", "tickle", etc. Your daughter gets to pick 3 (or however many you choose) things from the bag and whatever she picks is what she gets.
Whatever plan you choose, tell her about it. You can make a plan to have a large number of special attention in the beginning that will slowly taper off or just a general plan that you intend to continue. I would start explaining it the night before the drop off (everytime). Let her know what is going to happen and what is expected of her. Make sure you tell her you will be back and when she can expect you back (after nap, after snack, after some activity).

Another thing that works well if the days she goes to daycare are consistent (every monday and wednesday for example) is that you can introduce the days of the week to her. Hang a calendar on the wall and put information for that day (pictures work great)- it doesn't have to be a full month calendar, you just need Sunday-Saturday. Then each day you can look at the calendar together and say "today is Sunday, that means that today we'll do ________". Then at night you can look at it with her again and say "today was Sunday, we did _______. Tomorrow is Monday and you'll be going to daycare".
Another thing is that you should talk with the daycare about their plan to handle her fits. Basically just get a plan of action in place for how to handle this and it will work itself out that way.
Good luck!

I do at-home daycare and the best advice I can say is to let her know ahead of time what you will and will not do when she gets dropped off ("Give Mommy a hug and kiss then I have to go.") Then FOLLOW THRU. When she starts giving request after request after request say "No, Mommy has to go. I love you." Then LEAVE. It may take a few times but eventually she'll get into the new routine and she'll realize she's not calling the shots.

Yes, she may throw some god-awful fits after your gone, but that's something your daycare providers hopefully will not feed in to. You may want to discuss with them what your new plan is so they won't encourage her fits after you're gone by give her the DQ attention she's trying to get. I usually tell the child "I know you're upset. When you get all your crying out of your system then come over here and color (or whatever) with us."

I know it's hard. I've had parents crying when they left because they were so upset because their kids were upset. But by prolonging the drop-off you're actually making it worse. A short (but sweet) goodbye is for the best. I hope this helps. Good luck!

I would tell her on the way over to daycare that she is only going to get one kiss from you or whomever is dropping her off with a hug goodbye and then you will leave to go to work. Then, stick to it. She will still throw a fit the first day or so because she has learned that if she keeps asking for something else you will comply (you have so many times before). She will test you everytime you give her a reason to. After the first day or two (or three for a really "spirited" little one), it should be smooth sailing. What have you got to lose? It's been a fight everyday, anyway. You might as well give her an expectation of what is going to happen and stick to it. You are only helping her understand that YOU are in control, not her. Good luck and don't give in! (I know, easier said, than done. But, it's well worth it. The daycare staff can handle her once you leave. They are trained for it!)

:) J.

I'm going to be a technical and bring this back to my college psychology rat lab, because whenever I give in to my children's "requests," I am reminded of this basic, yet no easy to implement, concept.

There are many kinds of schedules of reinforcement. I'm going to break it down into 4 basic ones. First we have fixed (constant or consistent) and variable (ever-changing or unknown). These words are put in front of ratio (number of times something is done) and interval (the amount of time that passes between instances).

So we have FR, VR, FI and VI. Okay?

Fixed schedules work for children because they know what to expect. They will complain, they will whine, but they will stop fairly quickly once the schedule is intact again. (FI is actually my favorite schedule to see graphed. It's a scallop curve. I've done it with rats, and it's true. Googol it!)

However, variable schedules are the things that we inadvertently use with our children. They ask and ask and ask, and eventually we give in to make peace and shut them up. So then we decide that next time we are not going to give in. So, the next time comes, and the child is even more persistent, so we give in again. They wear us down. So the next time we just give in right away.

Okay, I could go on, but the point is, when we are not consistent, our children learn that and use it to their advantage. And breaking the cycle is painful! For all members involved. It's true with rats, and it's true with children. Breaking those Variable schedule habits will always have fall backs, even when you think it's done. It will show up.

So, with these technical words, look at the other advice. Good luck. It's tough.

Dear J.,

What your child is doing is perfectly normal and she has figured out how to get exactly what she wants. The other posters are spot on with their responses. I would make one one suggestion, however. When you get up in the morning, begin your day by saying "Good Morning Daughter! It's time to get up, and we will have our breakfast, brush our teeth, get dressed...and then we will get in the car and go to school. You know, only big girls get to go to THAT classroom. Are you a big girl?" And then in the car, tell her everything that is going to happen..."We are going to ride to school, oh look, there is the church on the way to school, the park..." You do this so that this routine becomes very natural and she knows exactly what is coming next. "Remember Dear Daughter, when we get to school, we are going to get out of our carseat, and go right in and say hello to Miss Teacher. We can kiss give each other one big kiss, and one big hug and then Mommy has to go to work!" (Be excited about this.) "And as soon as I am finished working, you KNOW what will happen! I will come right back and pick you up so we can go home and have dinner together and play together for a little bit!"

If you use the VERY same words and the same routine every day, she will come to expect it and she will be more willing to accept the next step in her day.

Remember to give one kiss, one hug and then turn away and tell her you will see her after work. WALK AWAY and go to work, knowing you are helping your child learn to adapt to new surroundings, a new schedule and her own independence.

Whoever said parenting is not a tough job, never had to leave a crying toddler!

C.
(Mother to four, childcare provider for 18 years)

I am a in-home daycare provider, and I think this could point to a big problem. If this is something new that she is doing, I would suspect that there is something going on at the center or at home that is making her unhappy. A teacher may have spoken to her harshly and scared her, a child could be bullying her (Three year olds can be vicious bullies) etc., or something at home could be making her fell insecure and not wanting to separate from you. You know what's going on at home, so you can eliminate that first, then pop in unannounced at daycare and observe without being seen and see how she is interacting. If you can't observe without your daughter seeing you, ask the centers director to observe the class for you. Many times spirited children are really sensitive and aware. If you ask her some questions, she may be able to let you know what is going on with her. I know it is a struggle to leave your children and really not know what is going on with them all the time. Good luck.

It's become a game of control with her. Just like kids who get out of bed a million times each night because they keep needing something.

The problem relies within you and your husband for letting it happen.

Find a routine and stick with it. Drop your son off first or whatever you chose, give kisses, do this that and BE DONE! Walk out let her scream cry and kick if you have to.

Hi J.,

Question: Do your other two children also go to this daycare for those two days as well?

I'm sure she is just going through a stage and given that she does only go two days per week it makes it that much harder to leave you. I agree with the other mom's, as long as you know that she is being well taken care of there and she does have friends I think they are right to say just give her one kiss, say goodbye and that you will be there to pick her up later (or at a certain time). If this just happened all of a sudden though, it almost makes me think that something is making her uncomfortable there, like maybe another child or something especially if your other children are just fine when you drop them off. Maybe try dropping in at an odd time to see how she's doing without letting them or her know that you are coming. You could maybe see how she's playing with the other children or how she's behaving when you aren't there. Or maybe your 5 year old could give you a heads up. Good luck! :)

Make it a clean drop off. Give her silly kisses before you go in, and don't give in to any of her requests. For every one you give in to, she'll add another. In her mind, it's working to keep you there longer, so why stop with one request? Drop her off, say have fun, I'll be back later to get you, and hit the road. She'll continue to throw fits for a while after you leave, but when she sees it's not getting her anywhere, she'll move on. Make sure the teasher doesn't fall into her attention trap, too. Walking away from a fit is the quickest way to end them. Something my Mom does at ther daycare when the kids get crazy and are not hearing anything or playing well, is to walk over in front of them, and start spouting orders, and doing what she's saying. Like,"hands in the air, touch your toes, touch your ears, fly like a bird..." she just keeps going, one after the other no matter if all kids are doing it or not, and one by one they fall into the game and are having fun, releasing energy, getting the endorphins going by lifting their arms over thier heads. They clap at the end, and then everyone does better. That may be something you could explain to the teacher to help her out after you leave. It might help your daughter forget to have a fit. Hope this helps! J.

I agree with most of the earlier posters - it sounds like you have a bright little girl who is seeing just how much say she has in matters. It's normal and I wouldn't worry about it (assuming you feel good about her daycare itself). I would, however, stop complying with the continued requests. Tell her on the way that today she'll get three kisses on each cheek, a huge hug, and then you have to go. And stick to it each time. She'll quickly understand that her tantrums don't get her more time with mom, and she'll focus on better ways to get your attention.

That said, I would also make sure that she gets some of your undivided attention each day, and to stress to her that this is your time together (or family time, or whatever you can manage). But tvs and computers off, just play time.

Oh, and I know many kids who react like that simply because of the presence of the younger baby! They grow out of it soon enough! (although usually not soon enough for the parents! ;-)

It looks like you have received lots of responses and I didnt read all of them, but some of the ideas sound really good. My only advice is that you decide on your good bye routine and keep it consistant. So she will learn that every day is the same and she knows what to expect. That goes with any other drop off too. If she's going to grandma's do the same good-bye routine everytime. Also remind her that you will come back in terms she might know. For instance, "Mommy will see you after snack time."
Good Luck.

It sounds to me like she's using tricks to try to make you not leave her. At that moment she doesn't want to stay. Even children in day care every day will do this.
In my experience of being the provider, the best thing to do is kiss and hug her, tell her you love her and that you'll be back and walk out the door. Drop off brother first, maybe, so she can hug him there and not have a reason for you to stay a moment longer.
It's hard to see your child cry like they do but it's harder for them if you hang around till all seems good.
She'll get through this. Since she does have friends she plays with then this is not something she dislikes, she just likes you better.
B.

IMO, I would creat a picture schedule to show her how it is going to be when she gets dropped off at daycare. This can easily be done by hand or on a computer using clipart. Or, you could even take actual pictures of what will happen and make a little book - it doesn't have to be complicated, just something stapled together, or those little "brag books" at the store. Anyways, I would tell her that when she goes to daycare this is what will happen: Mommy or daddy will read a story, then we will give a hug and kiss, then we will say bye-bye, then she watches you leave out the window. You will have to read this book you create at home several times, and maybe even practice, so that she gets the idea. Then, when she goes to daycare, read her the book or show her the pictures and tell her what will happen next acording to the schedule you made. I know this sounds complicated, but keep it simple. If it is always the same, she will get used to it (kids stive for routine). Also, when she asks you for a request that is not on the "drop off schedule", such as an extra kiss, or to stay and play, just show her the book/pictures, and tell her that after we hug and kiss, we say bye-bye, and mommy goes to work. Don't give in to her requests, always keep it the same, no matter what! Talk to the teacher about this, and they can read it at school too, to help re-inforce it. I'm a teacher also and have seen this work many times with students with special needs, to the average child. It's simple, it's routine, and it works! Good Luck!

At three and half her starting to ask for the "special favors" might have just been a way to see how far she could push and you complied with her requests, so it seems she is trying to see how much further she can go,if that is the case I would see if there is someone who can come outside to get her and say your goodbyes and the rest usually goes away once they are inside. You said that you have a 10 month old that goes to an in home daycare, if this started a month or so before she started doing this that could also be why and if you think that is it make sure to make a big deal of her going to big girl daycare. I'm a mother of four two of which are "spirited" hehe as you said. Talking to her before you leave and how important it is that you leave right away might help to, but if not you will just have to leave teachers are trained to deal with fits and it won't take long before she realizes what it has to be like and stops. Good luck!

I just wanted to say that I work at a daycare and what your child is doing is perfectly normal. Every kid goes threw it at some point. My own child who goes to the daycare 5 days a week does it. I know how hard it can be to leave your child crying and out of control but, it really is best to just kiss them and leave. Your daughter has figured out that she can stall your departure. Most kids settle down within a few minutes of you leaving. My son usually settles before I even get down the hall. My routine is to give him a kiss tell him i will be back at noon to get him and leave. Each day we go threw this and he cry's a little less each day. If you are really concerned that she won't settle call 20 or 30 minutes after you leave and check with the teacher to make sure she has settled down. As hard as it is for you it is also hard on her teacher to comfort her if you keep hanging around. keep smiling it will get better.

I was told that when a child acts way out of character and it goes on for a prolonged time that should send a red flag. However, all the stuff I have read does not elaborate on what is a prolonged time. When I drop my daughter off at my home daycare she is sleepy and I make the good-byes real short. I was told the sooner I leave, the sooner she would get over it, but I'm not sure if seperation anxiety is still normal at 3 or if you should really be concerned and maybe think of putting your daugher in a different situation??? Hopefully some other moms will be of better assistance for you. Good luck!

Angie

What a three year old is responding to J. is the need to control her world. At this age, children start to "get" that the world does not revolve around them. It is the first 'dawning' that a child goes through. Punishment at this age is futile ~ outthinking them is the key.

Before you leave for daycare, have your daughter pick the two things she wants to do before mommy or daddy leave. Tell her she only gets two each day. This will give her some way of controlling her world without controlling yours. It will also give her something to think about. But you have to tell her WHY:

To explain things like these transitions, I like to tell my kids that going to school (or day care) is their job, going to work is mine. They like the idea of having a JOB just like mom and dad. So sitting her down before bed and telling her that 'in the morning you are all going to your jobs and it is important for everyone to be ready for work...' may give her the mental picture she is looking for that will transform the situation from a game to a business transaction (everything is a business transaction with a spirited child).

Have her pick out her clothes for the next day before she goes to bed, this will really get her in the work mode!

I hope you are reading "Raising Your Spirited Child" by M. Kurcinka. It sounds like you've got a smart one on your hands. Now that she's three, you'll want to get smarter fast J. or she will start to want property rights before she's five :o)

I noticed you received a lot of great responses! Here's a little bit of a different angle....
When I was younger and went to an inhome daycare and I too had fits at drop off. My mom was a SAHM until I was 5 and I had a very hard time adjusting to not being with mom. Later as an adult I let my mom know that I didn't like my daycare. No major issues but as a child they were to me. Such as, my daycare provider had a mentally retarded son who I was afraid of, we had soup and sandwiches everyday, I was teased by a boy at the bus stop, on nice days we had to play outside when sometimes I didn't want to. Try having a conversation with her to see if there's anything that may be upsetting her whether it be a teacher or another child that she may not like, if she doesn't like the rules, activities, the food, if she misses mommy....etc. To help me overcome my separation anxiety my mom gave me a picture of the two of us to carry with me.
Hope this helps!