New Daycare Woes :/

Call her before you drop him off again, and tell her you need a 2-5 minute time period for the goodbye, to get him settled. The way she did it was too short and abrupt.

1. Next time, do the quick hug and such before you ring the doorbell. She is right this is the best method, though I do agree with you she cut it shorter than I would have expected for the first day. Remember, he has had a chance to meet her a few times, so it's wonderful he had a great day.

2. This is likely due to you leaving him at daycare. Be sure you give him plenty of pre-bedtime cuddles. His routine and caregiver has changed, so it will take a little while for him to get used to the routine. i would say I am extremely shocked it was only for a minute!

I have always also been a provider who wants the short and sweet goodbye. but the meeting you at the door and not letting you in is a big red flag. You should always be allowed in and allowed to walk in and out of the providers home unannounced. open the door and come in to drop off / pick up your son. that she met you on the porch could mean she wanted it to go smoothly or it could mean she has a lot more kids than she told you about. I would investigate that.

the sleeping thing will even out when he figures out your not leaving him.

Yep... A fast goodbye is 5-10 seconds.

Even 30 seconds is kinda long.

Going in, setting him up, getting him settled... Tgat's not a fast goodbye. That's reeeeeeeally dragging things out. If you want 5 minutes, get there early and hang out in the car. Or do some silly play on the walk there. But from front door onward, you don't want that set up as 'WHERE'S MY MOOOOOOOOOOM?!?! She was right here?! SHE'S GONE!!!'

It's why parents don't go on to gymnastics floors, dance barres, soccer fields, etc. There's almost always s line of demarcation (for sports it's actually a physical line! OFF the field!). From this line onward, it's teachers/coaches/etc. It's the handing over of responsibility and keeping lines from blurring.

So you take your private time BEFORE you get to that line, and trust your decision in these people until given reason not to. In fact, that was my preschool teacher's mantra to new parents: "You decided to trust us, we've got it, we'll call if we need you. Promise."

It will get easier. There are mornings where my almost 2 y.o. son cries when either my husband or I drop him off. (Usually after a week off and especially after last summer being home...I am a teacher.) If you want more time to say good-bye, you just need to tell the daycare provider. It's your child. It helps my son when his daycare provider brings him to the window to wave bye-bye! It's like a game! =) Try it...whatever works! You are right...he is crying at night, because he is going through separation anxiety. I know it is hard...The "No M., more" words are hard. Hang in there and good luck!

My son goes to a home daycare as well and I used to leave him on the doorstep too. I would carry him to the door (mainly because I'm always running behind and it's quicker) and give him kisses and tell him I know he's going to have a great day with his friends ect. Since I've had my younger son, I just let my older one out of the car and he goes right in the house while I get the baby out of the car. If i'm not fast I miss my opportunity for good bye kisses!

I would keep the same bedtime routine that you usually do. I think will give him the most reassurance.

I know it seemed rough today. It was so quick and not what you envisioned.

Now you know how it is going to work. You take your son out of his car seat, give him his hug and kiss on the way to the door, hand him over and say, "I love you, I know you will have a great day. "

1 minute of crying is actually pretty good.

Some of the moms on here will tell you, their kids cry for hours.

You will both get used to this.. It is always hard to leave our children. Even with relatives. Hang in there.

Daycare centers often discourage parents from entering the room beyond the door because it makes letting go that much harder. Maybe that's why she meets at the front porch, so I wouldn't worry about that. You do want to have a chance to give him a kiss, hug and a "mommy always comes back" before he is whisked away (but do it quickly...3-5 seconds max). If she isn't allowing that, you should ask that she wait a second for it. Also, she's providing care for other kids, so the longer she's talking and settling your son in, the longer the kids don't have the full attention of a care giver. From a practical standpoint, she needs to make it fast. At my daughter's school, we are requested to write a note to pass to the teacher if we need to but not to have discussions at drop-off, as the teachers need to be caring for the kids.

He will have some separation anxiety, including what he did at bedtime. Try to keep his routine the same, but increase the hugs, cuddles and moments of your full attention to give him extra nurturing and extra confidence.

You know she was just trying to make sure you didn't decide to stay and interrupt her routine. She probably thought she'd make sure you got the message clear and loud. She does not want you to make it hard on the little guy. You know how and can prepare him all the way over. He needs to say goodbye in the car and when she comes out and he starts crying and freaking out just stick to your guns and say bye then leave. It is best if you do it quickly, you already know this.

Now you know to say goodbye in the car.

He will have the anxiety for a couple of weeks at most. If he is still having it after 2 full weeks then I would say he's just having a little harder than normal. If he's still doing it after 3 weeks then I'd talk to her and see what happens as soon as you leave.

If he goes right in and adjusts quickly then you know it's just a time issue on the porch. If he is crying for hours then it's time to rethink the issue but I would bet money he will be adjusted by three weeks.

I would have reacted the same as you, especially because it wasn't an expected situation, but now that you know it's a drop off at the door, maybe you can start your good bye's in the car, and also walking up to the house, so that when you both are at the door, your son is ready to go inside, this way you're able to give the good-bye that you want to. It will get easier, hang in there :)

I would talk to her about the drop off. That kind of abrupt drop off is little more than a hit and run and doesn't allow for you to say anything to her about his night, tell her about any new medications, or...well, anything. At our center, I came in, put DD's stuff in her bins/cubby, told her teacher anything pertinent, hugged her good-bye and told her to have fun. If she was fussy, I handed her off to the teacher if available or another staffer if that teacher was busy. Not long, but long enough. If this does not sit right with you, speak up. I think that was TOO abrupt.

You might consider sitting in his doorway for a short time (set a timer maybe?) and easing out of the room the first week he's at daycare. I think he just needs some TLC, but you can provide support without interfering with his ability to go to sleep on his own.

I have a friend who has a little one, too. She just went back to work FT three weeks ago. It took her son almost 2 weeks to fall easily into the new routine of work/babysitter.

I remember how hard I cried the first time I dropped off my daughter. I think it was harder on me. My daughter adjusted in a week and a half.

I am glad to hear that your son went to bed after ONLY a minute ! That's wonderful. Picking him up when he is calling for you would create a bad habit. It's really important to let him fall asleep on his own.

Try to stay calm & upbeat. If he senses that you are worried or stressed, it will make matters worse.

You went back to work full time and you are seven months pregnant? Did you mean weeks? Go home and stay there-everyone will benefit.Do you perceive loving you , wanting you and needing nurturing from you as a bad habit at two years old? You're going to love the teenage years when your children would rather contract Ebola than be with you!

It will get easier.

Your provider probably thought she was making the situation easier for you and your son, and she may have made it much worse. I too believe in the quick good bye, but the kiddo needs to go inside and have a quick hug and kiss and "Mommy will be back after nap time".

Tell the provider you'd like to find a happy medium.

I think the bed time issue is just due to you going back to work. I would reassure him that "Mommy is never far away and I'll be here when you wake up". But be firm that he has to stay in bed.

Good Luck

The quick goodbye works for some kids, but absolutely did not work for my kid. I also had an only child and he did best if we hung out together for a little while until he was established in his play. Then I would say the quick goodbye. If he asked me to stay longer I would only stay by hanging out on the edges of the action. I would say, "Mommy will stay for 5 more minutes and then I need to go. I will see you after lunch (or fill in appropriate activity here). I love you." Fortunately the preschool he attended supported parents in whatever method worked best for their child. When he started K, he was one of the few kids who didn't bawl his head off during the first week.

Explain what has been happening to the daycare provider. If she can not be flexible with you, then find a new place, one that supports the fact that parents know their children best. I have no tolerance for 1 size fits all child rearing.

I am a in home preschool provider. I feel that you need to talk to the provider and say I feel.... Then I would say I would like to... It can me 2 hugs and one kiss have a great day then leave. But she has to text you every 3 or 4 hours and say how things are going. and a daily sheet would be good too. also invite her to lunch with you and the child to a child like place chick fil a. I would love for a parent to say hey lets do lunch and then pay for my meal just bc. Make a photo book with photos of your childs room you and other people and places your child likes. let your child take it to preschool.

at home night time will be different for about a month. understand it. and try to make a plan like read 2 books sing 3 songs then walk out. no matter what.
sometimes loving a kid is about seting lines in the sand. and not crossing them.

My parent clients come into my entry, get kids shoes and coats off, and say goodbye. I can be 5 minutes if they are undoing 2 kids, but I have breakfast, or parts of it (fruit and milk for sure) on the table ready for them to head to the table. This works for me and gives everyone the chance to say goodbye.

I can't imagine not letting a parent into my house to say a proper goodbye? That would never work for me.

The bedtime thing? That should improve quickly. Transitions are hard but can be worked thru quick! He will see that you do indded come back each time and understand how it works.

It will get easier. I know both sides of this and I remember feeling just like you... I wanted to go in and make sure my daughter was settled and happy before I left. (Now I know that this was probably more for me than it was for her... she would have been fine). Much later, someone told me that *some* kids are much better at drop off if you don't even come in. It's one quick transition of a kiss at the door and then they are in the house for play. Otherwise it's a transition in the house and then another saying good-bye and another to engage in play.

Now I have my own daycare and I see the other side of parents who stay too long. When it's extreme and it leave the child very upset and the long goodbye lasts longer than just a couple times when the child starts care, I talk to them about it. We come up with a way that feels comfortable for everyone. I do it that way because I was shooed away from the door, as you were, and I didn't like how that felt. However, I do know that even after a child is comfortable in care, a long goodbye will still upset them.

Your provider knows what she's doing. The age of kids and the personality and experience of being away from home has a lot of do with how they react and respond to this kind of thing. In your son's case, the quicker the better. And the fact that he had a great day says a lot too. If he cried all day it would be a different story, but that is hardly ever the case.

I would talk to her about it. Chances are that she knows that you aren't entirely comfortable with the drop off, but also knows that it's best for your son and for her and the other kids that she cares for. Believe me when I say that you'd much prefer a quick good-bye at the door rather than one inside where he cries when you leave and the image you have is your child distraught and reaching for you as you close the door. (This also only lasts for a few minutes in most cases, especially if you have provider that knows how to redirect him).

As far as the night time problem, it's temporary. This is a big change for him and he needs confident reassurance from you. Be loving, but don't look guilty or remorseful about leaving him. Put a limit on the extra hugs or last kisses... If he freaks out be empathetic and say " Ok Tommy, one more hug..." give him a hug and tell him you'll see him in the morning (or whatever you usually say), and walk out. It sounds like you're doing it all right and that you know your son well. He'll be ok.

I would say it takes a good month or so for kids to fully to adjust to a new care situation. It's a lot to take in. Don't be surprised if he seems ok for about 2 weeks and then has a hard time with separation. All really normal, all ok and will pass.

Good luck!

I usually get to come in, take off his coat and say bye. The whole thing takes me about 30 seconds to a minute. I will quickly tell teachers anything necessary for them to know quickly and head out the door. Of course my son has been in daycare since he was 7 weeks old and has reached the point now, at 14 months, that he just walks right in and doesn't even pay attention to me leaving. It's more depressing for me then him lol. I would maybe try to start the goodbye as you walk to the door to make it easier.

Also, I don't have much advice on the sleep thing, but I have noticed that as my son has become more attached to me lately, he becomes more upset about bed time. I kind of think that it might have to do with getting such limited time with me already cause I work two jobs so he just wants more time with me. Not to make you feel bad, but I think if you keep encouraging him that your still there, he'll get better.

Just know that this will get so much easier. Your son will realize in a week or two that yes you are coming back every single time. Then he will do so much better with goodbyes. Hang in there! Read him books about being away from mom (like the Kissing Hand...there are others about mom going to work). Talk about what fun thing you'll do together when you pick him up. Talk to him about how much fun he will have at daycare and how nice the daycare lady is. He will get the hang of it!