3 1/2 Year Old Daughter Who Refuses to Use the Potty

I'm in graduate school to become a marriage and family therapist as well as the mother of a 2 yr old girl and 4 yr old boy. Something I have learned that has immensely helped me is that a misbehaving child is a discouraged child. I'm thinking that she is trying to get attention or she is try to gain or exhibit power. How do you feel when this happens? Your feelings are a clue. If you feel annoyed and irritated, with thoughts of "what again??" then it is likely attention. If you feel angry, it could be power.

What was going on in your life and the family's life when this behavior began? Any changes that precipitated the behavior?

If she is seeking attention negatively, then we need to shift her goal to cooperation. Her unconscious belief is,"I only counts when I am being noticed" and her feelings are alienation and insecurity. The solution is to replace negative attention with positive attention. For example, plan activities together. Don't ignore the child; ignore the misbehavior. Teach self-sufficiency.

Suggestion: Let her change herself. Provide the wipes, teach her how to clean and change her self and then let her be. This may require stipulating that she has to play outside to avoid soiling furniture, but summer's a good time to try this! If she doesn't get the attention she seeks, the behavior will subside. Children as you know are very good at outsmarting us. If she doesn't get the result she wants - attention - it will stop. It is important to give positive attention though, too. She needs to believe she belongs and feel secure and this will bring about cooperation. Perhaps you have some good ideas about how to reinforce positive behavior and ignore the misbehavior?

Now, if it is power she wants then she believes that her strength is in showing you: you can't make me or you can't stop me. She feels inadequate, dependent and that others are in control. Her negative goal is power, this needs to shift to a goal of self-reliance. Your impulse in a power struggle will be: I insist that you do as I say. The result of this reaction is that the behavior will intensify. (If her goal is attention the behavior may temporary stop when you respond).

Constructive alternative responses are: 1. Don't try to win. 2. Give opportunity and choices so you daughter can display power constructively. 3. Maintain a friendly attitude. You want to change her belief to "I can do it" and her feelings to competency and self-control. The potty issue may be where she is acting out the power, but it will pervade in other areas as well. Choices and opportunities in all areas of her life may help. Perhaps giving her the choice of using the big potty or a potty chair? What kind of choices could be involved in toilet training?

Also, have you ruled out any medical conditions? Infections or constipation for example?

Another thought is, have you tried immediate small incentives, such as a sticker on a chart each time she uses the potty and when a row of stars is full you bake cookies together or read a story or something that nurtures her?

My daughter who is two and a half has been a reluctant potty trainer, part of it is I realize I have babied her. So, I am working on the self-reliance and reassuring her that I love her deeply even as she outgrows being a baby... My son is very self-reliant, he loves to exhibit power so that's the issue we work on more with him. Often a child tends to be more into power or more into attention.

There are two more possibilities for misbehavior: revenge or avoidance, so if my suggestions regarding attention or power aren't it, let me know. If it is revenge you will feel hurt or want to punish her. If it is avoidance you will feel despair, I give up, hopeless. I didn't get that from your email, though. Avoidance and revenge indicate a more serious situation, you will need a professional's help likely. However, at this young age, changing beliefs and feelings is pretty easy. Much better to develop strategies when she's three than thirteen! You will develop skills handling this that will serve you and your children well for the rest of your life. Best wishes to you and your daughter!

First, interview to see if she has any reasons that you can help her with (constipation, fear of the toilet, etc.). Then at this age, we found bribery with an instant treat worked beautifully, matter of fact it was the only thing that worked. At first, DS could have a small treat (Rolos or Starburst work well for this since you can keep some with you at all times) just for sitting on the potty. Then I started requiring some pee or poop action. Once he started experiencing success he stopped asking for them gradually. I never made a huge deal out of the treats but just give occasional reminders at opportune times. For example, "Don't forget to give the potty a try before we leave, I have a treat waiting for you." If the child still refuses, just be casual and say, "Oh, that's too bad, this treat looks very tasty." Avoid a power struggle, let them make the choice but make the reward worth making the potty choice.

Now normally I would never resort to this type of scenario but because it is such a short term use for such a specific outcome, and I was getting nowhere with other methods (DS was 2 months from turning 4) that I had the full blessing of his ECFE teachers.

wow - I have the EXACT problem! At her 3 year check up with the pediatrician, we were told to just drop it. No talking about it, no bribes, NOTHING. I couldn't do it! here we are at 3 and 4 months and I started falling apart; especially when she didn't want pull ups anymore, told me she wanted diapers and said she was 'a baby'. SOOOOO I DID give up. I quit talking about it - I just let her. Suddenly within a week, she grabs at her crotch and I ask her if she WANTS to go. If she says yes, I praise her, if she says no, I simply shrug it off and say "ok!". BUT, we are having way more yesses than no's, and actually, for 3 days in a row, she has come to me telling me she has to go. The ped. had said that at this age, she has the abiliby and all the knowledge and it's simply a power struggle. So by not reacting to her desire to stay in diapers, she wasn't getting a reaction. She got lots of praise and kisses for going, and that is working for us. BEST OF PATIENCE to you, and good luck!!!! it WILL happen!

I agree 100% w/Becky W. I would also say, no matter how frustrating this is, I would not go back to pull-ups or a diaper.

I would not bribe her w/the bed at this point. Incentives can work both ways--they can motivate kids, but they can also make them rebel. If they rebel, they are showing you that they don't care about preschool or a big girl bed or t-ball or whatever.

You could try putting a potty chair in the room she goes to the most to "hide", if you're OK with that. Maybe once she knows there isn't going to be a power struggle because she can go pee in her bedroom, she might stop.

Another thought is you can block her access to the rooms (or at least most of the rooms) she goes in. Hook-and-eye locks are inexpensive, easy to install and remove, and you can put them up high on the door frame, where she can't reach them.

Lastly, any time these issues pop up, it's worth ruling out a urinary tract/bladder infection.

I am wondering when it started, did it start when you brought a new man into your lives? Could it be a way of her dealing with the changes that are going on in her life? Did your fiance' move in with you? Did you change homes? It could be something small that triggers a relapse of someone who is potty trained to slide away from it more then a time or two. I know a child who was 6 and started pooping his pants after his dad got married and his mom had another baby. If she hadn't been fully potty trained (with no accidents) it could be just a back slide. Make her clean up her panties and herself as best as she can so it becomes undesireable for her to do that. My nephew said he wasn't going to clean out panties when his daughter was being potty trained (he is a single father) so he ended up throwing away some of her favorite panties and that was it. She didn't want to lose anymore of her favorite panties!

Through out this remember "this too shall pass"

I would make her clean up. That way there is a consequence for her actions, and she's big enough to know better. Make her get off her wet and dirty undies, put hte poop in the toilet, clean up any mess on the floor, rinse out the clothes, and get new ones. Show no emotion, just calmly tell her to clean up and walk away.

G.,

Never fear, she will get trained. We went through what sounds like a similar situation when my second daughter, now age 6, was 3 1/2.

What did the trick for us was sending her to a daycare/preschool that had a program for kids that were not fully trained. As part of their "curriculum", they had scheduled trips to the potty. After a few weeks, she was fully trained.

Good luck.
K.