2Nd Child - Los Angeles,CA

Updated on November 25, 2010
J.T. asks from Los Angeles, CA
24 answers

Hi Mamas. Just curious about your experiences. I have one son, who is almost 2. He is/was an amazingly easy baby: he slept well from about 6 weeks old, he hardly ever cries, he's very easy going, no medical problems. Any parent would give their right arm to have a son like mine. However, even given what an easy baby he was, I was a complete trainwreck after he was born. I was completely overwhelmed, lonely, sad, depressed...I felt like I had completely lost myself to the state of parenthood...I was exhausted constantly. It was just no fun at all. I always loved my son, but I didn't really start enjoying being his mother until somewhat recently.
My husband and I are currently trying to decide if we want to have a 2nd baby. I adore my son, and I would like for him to have a sibling...but the thought of going through that period again is scary to me. Everyone I know says that having a 2nd baby is even harder than having a first. I almost don't see how that's possible. I feel like the biggest hurdle for me to get over was to accept my role as a mother. I've done that now with my son...so, logically, I should still feel that way with a 2nd baby?
I don't know what to think and I'm struggling with this decision. What were your experiences with your 1st and 2nd babies? Which was harder for you and why?
Thanks so much for responding!

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M.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

Not harder - just different. You are so much more calm after #2 - you've been there/done that. The challenges are having time for both... dealing with #1 and how they react to new baby, etc.. Since you know what gave you trouble in the past you can sort of plan ahead - tell hubby what you need from him, enlist the help of family/friends right after #2 is born.. brining meals, watching #1 for you, etc... The first two weeks were rough for me my daughter was 2.5 and she was just sad that I was spending so much time with my new baby - but after that things just fell in to place and I'd do it over again in a heart beat! So worth it - they are such good friends (they are 5 and 8 now).

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J.B.

answers from Atlanta on

I'll be honest -going from 1 to 2 IS harder! When they're really small, it can be like willfully throwing yourself in the middle of a tornado! My oldest was an easy baby, and while I did experience a huge transition in life having him, it wasn't as hard on me as it sounds like your first was on you. He was very laid back and a pretty easy baby. I got pregnant again just before his 2nd birthday and had my 2nd son when he was 2.7 years old. He went NUTS when I was about 5 months pregnant. The terrible twos evidently hit full force, built into the terrible 3s and right now I'm just praying for his 5th birthday because I'm hoping some of this baby behavior will subside as he gets older! Wrestling him and a baby was insanity. I look back on the last 2 years and until this past summer -it's all almost a blur of craziness.

To be fair, I also lost my mother last fall (2009) and she was my biggest help in giving me a break from the craziness. My husband is helpful, but there's no one like your mother! Anyway -that didn't help. So many people I knew were in the same boat, and they all kept saying that it got better into the youngest child's 2nd year -and that has been my experience. My oldest (through lots of different things) has gotten much better as well.

I'm not saying all of this to scare you -just to give you food for thought. You can wait a few years to have another -and since you had such a rough time adjusting to one who was an easy baby -I would REALLY suggest you do that. In a few years, your oldest will be potty trained and he'll be able to communicate effectively with you, dress himself for the most part and play by himself better. When you have two really little ones, there are 2 sets of diapers to deal with and neither one of them can do much of anything for themselves. ALL of the feeding, dressing, changing, bathing, fetching and a great deal of the entertaining and playing is up to you. There are two carseats and two kids to handle in the store. You get the idea.

What is important to you in your life right now other than your son? Do you enjoy having some "me" time or going out with friends regularly? Do you and your husband enjoy going out sans kid? What do you all like to do together -are you big travelers? Do you work outside the home (or from home -but a job of some type requiring childcare)? All of these things are harder and more expensive with two than they are with one. Sitters, daycare -even Moms Morning Out preschools/programs are more expensive. It's harder to get away on your own.

I absolutely love my boys and I'm delighted that I had them, but I don't think people should sugarcoat the experience. We romance having children and having large families far too much in this nation. It's NOT romantic or funny -it's freaking HARD and expensive. There's NOTHING wrong with only having one child either! There are many only children this day and age and many parents who are happy with only one -a lot of them felt like you after having the child they have and don't wish to repeat the experience. I'm an only child who grew up when it was relatively odd, and I still don't regret it! The people who post on here that no one ever regrets having another are misled at best. I know many who regret having another for a variety of reasons.

Do what's best for YOU and your life! If you had depression problems in the past, I hope you got help and if you decide to have another -address it proactively! Take an antidepressant as soon as you deliver if you need it. Good luck and don't let anyone make you feel bad or guilty no matter what you decide!

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L.B.

answers from Stockton on

Are you sure you didn't have ppd? Even if it was a mild case, knowing what to expect and being prepared to get help with it when you have your second child might make a world of difference. Talk to your dr and see what you can do to prepare if that's the case.

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A.C.

answers from Columbus on

We choose not to have a 2nd child, for a lot of the reasons that you mentioned. Recent, thorough research has debunked all of the old "myths" of only children being spoiled, maladjusted, etc. In a perfect world, where I had a huge support network for us right around the corner, we would've had more kids, but I too struggled _a lot_ after the birth of our son, and I realized that having a 2nd child would make me more crabby, more sleep deprived, and less of a good mom to my son and a good wife to my husband....

It is an individual decision that each family needs to make. I envy those moms of 2 or more a little bit. But only a little because I realize that I can give of myself more fully to my family as it is now... even though I know I could adapt to 2 or more, I don't like myself (and I mean: I'm not as good a person) when I'm sleep deprived and/or totally stressed, and that is where I would be if we had more kids.

I wish you the best in this decision. :)

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J.L.

answers from Chicago on

I suffered with anxiety issues and was on meds and counseling because that's how I am wired...Being a new Mom is overwhelming period...My daughter was high maintenance and had formula issues and didn't want to sleep at night...Ugh....So doesn't matter if your first is the angel baby or the firery baby!!! Obviously you are wired that way too. Sounds like you should also seek some counseling on getting a handle on your emmotions. By the time my first was a year old, I thought it would be great to have number two. Yes, it is more challenging to have two but well worth it. My son was a little easier than my daughter. We still weren't done and had number three finally the angel baby like yours who slept from the get go and is patient. However, as with the first I went on meds and counseling to keep everying in "check". So happy and enjoying all three of my kids.

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T.W.

answers from Denver on

I have three and one on the way. With my second child I had this depression and anxiety, I didn't snap out of it for a year and missed a lot of my time with him. Ultimately, I learned that this is a chemical thing and does not typically happen every time. I never had these symptoms with my other two and figure I will not have it with the newest addition either. Just remember this type of condition is not simple baby blues it is much bigger than that. Your doc also can give you temporary treatment for these symptoms as well, it could make life much easier if it happens again. I say go for it, the reward is well worth it! Enjoy!

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J.F.

answers from Nashville on

I am not a medical practioner but your description of you as lonely, sad, depressed may indicate that you had post partum depression. This can be treated and treatment may relieve these symptoms so that you can enjoy your children when they are young. I would mention it to your doctor. I have two boys and while things are hectic with two as opposed to one, it is still a lot of fun seeing my two boys have a good time together.

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B.C.

answers from Dallas on

Having two IS hard, but so fun! I think it's easier in some ways to have 2 beacuse they keep each other company. My girls are 6 years apart and play wonderfully most of the time. Of course I hear "No, it's mine! Mom, make her give it back!" about 50 times a day, but my 9 year old is a great helper and my 3 year old adores her big sister. They make up games together, build clubhouses, etc. It's so cute!

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J.M.

answers from Boston on

I felt the exact same way after my first. I think it was undiagnosed PPD. I was a miserable mess for about 9 months.

The good news is that we had a second 2.5 years later and I felt none of that. I actually thought that life got _better_ with two, not harder. I mean, sure, it was harder in some logistical ways, but I felt like a much more competent, together mom. I was worried, of course, but in no way were those worries realized.

Good luck!

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I.M.

answers from New York on

J.,
the only reason that I would suggest that it would be a little harder having a second child, it's because the first one is still dependent on you. So you would have to attend to both children. But I don't think than other than that it would be much harder for you. You've been there and done that now :) So you know better what to do or not to do.
The only thing I would suggest is that if you see you are getting depressed after having your second child, would be going to your doctor and seeking professional help. It is only temporary! I'm sure you will be fine. For what I can see your husband supports you, so that will ease your troubles as well.
Children are truly a blessing and if you decide to have another one, please get your baby involved. Let him know that in your belly is another baby and he/she can't wait to come out and see him. Don't think that he is too young, let him know that you will be taking care of the baby just as you took care of him when he was born. The more he knows the easier it will be for you, because he might even want to help with the baby!
Many blessings to you and your family.

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S.O.

answers from San Diego on

Our 1st baby was VERY hard, she had colic and still to this day is not a good sleeper (she is 4 1/2). Baby #2 is on the way any day now, and as you can tell we waited for quite some time before making the decision to have another child. Like some of the other Mom's have posted, my advice is to wait a while and enjoy your son and really take the time to be completely comfortable in your role as mother. To be honest it took me a good year to realize that I was pretty decent at being a a full time working Mom and wife, in fact I feel it's made me a better and stronger women...
Good luck -

S.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

I just had my third baby... but my first two were 15 years apart, so in a sense it was like having my second (to me, anyway). I remember feeling overwhelmed by my middle child's birth, and I had a lot of support.

When our newest daughter was born in August, I was surprised by how needy she was. That seems exceptionally lame and is hard to admit, especially since my older daughter was only 28 months old... it hadn't been *that* long. But my expectations were clearly out of whack for about the first week to 10 days. Honestly, realizing that made things a lot easier on me. I still feel overwhelmed, but it gets better and better.

Even though I started off freaking out because my baby wanted to be held all the time (I held her... I just couldn't get why she didn't take naps, lol), I feel like I became "clear-headed" a lot sooner this time.

Having a second baby is harder *at first* because you're constantly feeling like you have to meet one child's needs over the other's. But you get into a routine, the newborn grows into an infant and life starts to balance out. I swear.

Giving my older daughter a younger sibling was the best thing we could have done for her. She is blossoming into this amazingly caring and empathetic human being. There were certain things we did to help her ease into her new role. You can always pass me a message if you want to know the details.

Oh, and that age old question about "will I love the second one as much or will I resent him/her for interferring with my first born?"... you will love the baby just as much, and while you might occasionally get frustrated, you will likely not blame the baby. I say this as the person in my marriage who agreed to have another baby because my husband felt it was important, not because I was gung-ho about it. Somewhere in the middle of my pregnancy my feelings shifted from accepting to enjoying (and it was the least pleasant of my pregnancies).

Best wishes in your decision!

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S.R.

answers from Los Angeles on

My 1st was a very easy pregnancy and easy vaginal delivery. Mostly I was lost in the haze of love for my newborn and in awe of the miracle of her being here. The challenges were, as you mentioned, adjusting to giving up "life as I knew it". A newborn is so all-consuming. Months and months passed before I suddenly realized "hey, I am sorta feeling like myself and getting my old life back". The other two feelings I grappled with were: 1) realizing that no matter how helpful daddy is or tries to be in the beginning, the full responsibility for baby's care falls on the mother, hard. At least at first. And 2) getting used to a new level of fear,worry, and stress regarding all the bad thing that can happen to your child. This second fear was so bad for me, I really dreaded going through it again with my second child. Child #2 the pregnancy was a little more tiring (running after a 2 y/o the whole time) and the birth a bit more stressful and resulting in a C_section. The c-section really bummed me out, it was distracting trying to recover from that when all I wanted to think about was my newborn. I don't know why I let it bother me so much but it did. I've never had a surgery before and it really grossed me out. And hormonally, I had a much more difficult time the second time around. For weeks and weeks I did not feel "right". If it had gone on any longer I might have talked to my dr about it. But my adjustment in general was totally different the 2nd time- I did NOT have to adjust to all my time being taken away, since it already was. My husband however had an issue with this however, because he had to help A LOT more this time and it was quite a shock to him. We did not have to adjust to the constant state of worry because were already used to living in it. I did feel bad that my daughter had to give up a lot of attention that she was used to. And that my new daughter would never get the same amount of attention my older one enjoyed the first 2 and a 1/2 years of her life. I felt sad about that. Even though every thing was really difficult the second time around (in the beginning) what really helped was knowing that it only gets easier and I got through the tough stuff the first time. And nothing beats all the sweet little sibling moments, those make it worth it. If I had it to do over again... I might have put a little more distance between the two, and waited til my older had started preschool and was more independent. Good luck with your decision! There is no predicting what will be like for you the second time. Just know you CAN get through it and it always gets better eventually.

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D.A.

answers from San Diego on

I think that the 2nd (I have a 2 1/2 month old and a 2 year old) is a bit challenging in a different way, depending on the demeanor of your children. I have a very active toddler who is constantly on the go and I solely breastfeed my newborn so trying to do things that we used to do is quite the challenge because I am having to stop and feed the baby while tending to my toddler so it gets a bit overwhelming.

The actual process of having a 2nd baby wasn't that difficult. It's like others said, "Been there, done that". You've already adjusted to a child and their schedule and their needs so having another one with needs and such isn't that difficult.

My 2nd has been a crier! During the day not so bad which is great because that's when my toddler is awake, but nighttime it was NON STOP! For hours he would cry and there wasn't anything I could do but hold him and pray that my ear drums didn't go deaf. ;) It was draining! There were times when I thought I was going to lose it and I never felt that way with my 1st (however, he wasn't even close to the crier that this one was). I was blessed with my husband being home for the 1st 2 months of our baby's life which was a HUGE HUGE help because my toddler got that attention he needed rather than just his mom there trying to juggle 2 kids, because your attention primarily goes to the newborn and that can be upsetting to a toddler that is used to having you all to themselves. When my husband went back to work we had a tough time getting back into the swing of things, my toddler wanted to do things and I just wasn't ready to get out into the world alone with 2 kids. Mind you, the biggest worry was the breastfeeding and still keeping track of my toddler.

A part of me wishes that I would've waited a little bit longer before having my 2nd, if my toddler was 2 1/2 and I had just had my 2nd baby it might've been a little bit easier. Closer to when my toddler would be going to preschool so I would have the downtime of just 1 child versus always having 2.

I want more kids, but next time I'm thinking I might wait till my 1st is in Kindergarten and my 2nd is in Preschool. Then have that 3rd.

No one can really tell you what you should do, only speak from their experiences and then you will have to weigh your choices yourself. You just have to be honest with yourself and decide if this is truly what you want. Because if you have doubts it may be a tough road ahead. Make sure it's 100% the next step you want to take. Once you have that feeling, you'll be ready for whatever comes your way. Talk it out with your husband and hopefully you two can figure it out together. Mine was my biggest support in having the 2nd and he kept me going when I thought I was going to lose it.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

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M.C.

answers from Honolulu on

The second was an issue of time management. The first is still demanding of your energy, and the infant is a BREEZE compared to the needs of the older child. (The infant just needs to be fed or changed, the older one wants you to do lots of things that he has grown accustomed to having a very specific way, so daddy's toast is just not the same as mommy's!) Anyway, You have probably climbed the highest mountain already. After you have a second, you may wonder: "why did I think this was hard last time?" The hardest part will be managing the relationship between your baby and your son. Good luck with your decision!

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S.H.

answers from Honolulu on

With the 1st baby, being a FIRST time parent... it is usually always harder.
It is a rite of passage... for the Mom. Being a Mom for the first time....AND her "Identity."
After that, with a 2nd child... it is less..... overwhelming. Because you are already... a parent.

For me, having a 2nd child was not harder. At all.
But each child is different.
For me, my 1st child as a baby, was more high needs.
My 2nd child as a baby, was not.

For me, I just wanted my daughter to have a sibling and not be by herself... in life, after we are gone. We love having 2 kids. Our kids love each other and are 2 peas in a pod. I cannot imagine... it otherwise.
It was the right decision... for us and our kids.

But you need to be at peace, with whatever decision, you make.

all the best,
Susan

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M.L.

answers from Philadelphia on

I had a very similar experience with my first, and ended up having 5 kids. I don't know, there is something about the first that really did me in, but after that I was much better. I did get treatment for post postpartum depression with my first and fifth child though, but really my first was the hardest. I have extremely hard pregnancies, so that was part of the issue, but as you say, with the first it was more of an adjustment to the "parent" role. You should just look into your heart and ask how many children do you want -- I always wanted many children, so that helped me decide. But keep in mind your son is still young -- maybe give it another year?? Best of luck to you.

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D.M.

answers from San Diego on

I didn't read the other responses, but you probably had post-partum depression or the baby blues. Have a doctor prescribe something that's safe for you after your second one is born and you should be better. I definitely think it's important to have a second child, not only for you, but for your first child! Good luck.

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R.P.

answers from Los Angeles on

I would suggest you wait a little longer. My daughter was a super easy baby, and fairly easy child, but I went through the same issues of losing self, etc. We got pregnant right before my daughter turned three, and we just had #2. gah. I am going through some of the same things now, but not as bad. Bright spots are that my daughter is potty trained and night potty trained. bad spots are that #2 is a much harder baby, fussy eater, gassy, and I forgot how aweful I get when I don't get enough sleep.
Logistically, it is super easy for me to get around with two. #2 takes to the carrier fine and #1 is a good walker. I am not carting around two mountains of junk this time, I know what I need and it all fits inside a smallish diaper bag.
So I would say, it is up to you. If you know it is coming and you have support set up, it can be easy, but it can also be super hard two spend the quality time with #1. #1 is still being crazy, and she wants mamma to play, since I am home, and I can't put #2 down without him crying, so that is really hard...
Good luck with whatever you decide.
R.

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C.A.

answers from Los Angeles on

Personally, going from zero kids to 1 kid was the hardest. Now I have 3 kids. I tend to think kids w/ siblings are "more normal". BUT, only children are better in adult situations. Think about your lifestyle, and what you can afford.

C.M.

answers from St. Louis on

My daughter was much like your child. Although she wasn't a great napper, she would sleep anywhere/anytime so I could just get up and go with her. She would easily go to people, ate fairly well, etc.

My pregnancy with my 2nd child was harder on me only because I was more tired (because I was running around after a 1.5 year old while Daddy was at work five nights a week). I took lots of naps in the evenings and often went to bed right when my daughter did.

The birth with my son was so much faster and easier (and drug free!) and that was not something I ever thought I would do or go through! I healed much quicker too. He has slept better than she has (although he won't sleep anywhere) and now (15 months) he goes to bed wonderfully where as her staying in her bed all night has always been tricky.

That being said, I didn't go through any issues with my role as mother, but you already are a mother so you know what to expect! It's normal to be nervous, but I would not let that stop you if you want to get pregnant. You have to think about long term...the first few months may be hard to adjust to but think about when they are in school and even older. Do you see another child in your life?

Good luck!

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S.Z.

answers from Reno on

Nothing will EVER change your world like becoming a parent for the first time! It's the biggest adjustment any of us will ever make! When #2 (and in my case, #s 3 and 4) arrived, it was "been there, done that." My first was so easy and happy, just like yours, and my 2nd was very much not easy; still, it was easier for me, because I'd already had a baby, re-ordered my whole life, experienced the interrupted sleep, diapers and all the rest. I knew what it was like to have everything be about the baby, not me. I say go for it! Congratulations on your lovely family.

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K.P.

answers from New York on

We are in the middle of a similar conversation and I asked a girlfriend of mine this question b/c she was the MOST hyper-vigilant 1st time mommy I have ever met. In her words..."parenthood either makes you more laid-back or more wired" and her first one made her wired, despite being a good baby.

They took the plunge and had a second baby. She brought the girls over for a play-date this summer and I was shocked! Not worried about the germs on my floors or on the toys... baby rolled over and lightly bunked her head and no checking for pupil reflexes....diaper change in the middle of the living room! I asked her about the change and she said that she was able to relax b/c in most instances they had "been there and done that" already and knew that the baby was fine.

Same response as others... not harder, just different. If you want another child, then have one. Ask for help if you need it or hire help if you can to get you through the first couple of months.

Good luck in making your decision.

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S.W.

answers from San Diego on

I can relate to what you are going through. I had a very hard time adjusting to being a mom with my first child. My husband and I also struggled with the decision to have a second child. After my first child turned 3, I really starting thinking about this decision and reflecting on the pros and cons of having a second child. We decided that it was worth it and I'm now expecting my second baby. I am nervous about how I'm going to handle two children and how I'm going to feel after the birth. I have talked to my doctor and set up a plan to handle things after I give birth. I also know that I have survived this once and I did eventually start feeling like myself again so that encourages me to know that no matter how hard it gets, I will get through it in one piece. It really is a personal decision that only you can decide. Good luck with your decision.

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