2 1/2 Year Old Trouble with My Son

Tough problems, especially when this behavior is interpreted as a lack of respect that makes you feel angry. I'd personally chalk it up to three things; a strong and independent little personality, a need for more sleep, and research into what IS normal for a child his age. (Bud-nipping has its place, but too much 'grafting of expectations' makes for an impossible amount of bud-nipping.)

It sounds like you're doing a lot right, especially considering you have other children to care for. I don't think his behavior is unusual for 2.5. Unfortunately, kids are not little machines with dials we can set to "behave," and every single one is an individual, so the range of "normal" is actually pretty broad.

While learning water safety is a wonderful opportunity, it is apparently not what he'd like to be doing this year. Can you allow him any leeway on that, and perhaps other things that you choose that he'd prefer not to do. You'll simplify your life and his. He will have many opportunities in the future to do things as they become interesting to him. Choose only a few of the most important things to push, like helping him get enough rest. Children's lives tend to be hugely over-controlled in the modern family, and its harder for everybody than it needs to be.

You might want to explore some of the very good, research-supported alternatives to traditional discipline/punishment methods. I have found the approaches taught in Emotion Coaching or empathetic parenting to be wildly effective with my grandson and other littles I've worked with. This is not soft, lenient, or pushover parenting. This is thoughtful, bounded and consistent teaching that can result in calmer, happier families. Google these terms for more if that interests you.

You have a spirited one! If you are only doing your firmest consequence some of the time, after many other things and sometimes he gets walked back to bed etc with no consequence at all-he's totally not taking you seriously. You need your firmest thing, after one warning, consistently every time, so he knows what to expect when you tell him calmly he's on his last warning, EVERY TIME and that he doesn't have lots of warnings leading to it. Ever. If he's laughing, your not doing it firmly enough. Also, if he's doing this at 2 1/2, you may have started discipline a little late. That's understandable since your other two let you skate (same with mine), but it is the reason for his escalation. We had to do our most diligent nipping at age 18 months with my easy two and much younger for my terror, but now at 18 months my terror is like a new baby, but still keeps us WAY on our toes. I fear to think what she'd be doing at 2 1/2 if we had not been consistent all this time. This is good news, your son has just formed some very bad habits, like getting away with smirking at parents -NOPE!!!!- for a looong time, and now it's time to crack down.

Wake up in the morning and tell yourself this: My son is not a medical oddity. I am my son's leader. I know he can act well and it's my job to make sure he does. Spirited children are just more work. My step aunt has 12 kids, and a few of them pretty much exhausted her, but they all learned to be respectful and grew up happy.

Be calm, collected, firm and consistent. Don't give so many warnings and be ineffective until you have allowed yourself to get mad. Act sooner than that, as many times as it takes. Don't let him continue defiant wrong behavior with the attitude for longer than 2 seconds. He's way past the age of having impulse control enough to control this and is in full rebellion age (for over 6 months) at this point. He is purposefully choosing this behavior.

Make sure dad takes the lead when he is there. No numerous warnings and no gambling for times he might get time outs, walked back to bed etc. Defiance needs addressing firmly right away every time, and it will replace itself with a nicer child with self control. Which does not mean squashed spirit! You should meet my vibrant happy kids! It's way worse on a child's character to let them tailspin further down this road. Do not confuse natural angry defiance as a valuable expression to be nurtured until he feels like growing out of it (I know you're not-its just all the rage these days for people to suggest this is wise) My brother and I are both free thinking nutty fruit loops, but we always had to behave, our parents were strict, and we love them for the fact we didn't spend our childhood like terrors. My kids are wonderful at expressing all of their emotions because they can first nip the chaos and then communicate their sadness, fear, whatever in an age appropriate mature manner.

Step up his attention in the other times, but be swift and firm the moment he goes south. Be crystal clear and brief. This one's going to be a challenge his whole life (same with my 3rd-shes got the fire in her :), don't get further behind, you can do it! Buckle up-hang in there! This book is good:
www.backtobasicsdiscipline.com

I REALLY like Peg M's response...all of it. The only thing I would reitterate is that some things, like personality and identity development and independence aren't things one can "nip in the bud" and to try to do so will result in many power struggles and behavioral responses to such power struggles...which will result in a negative cycle where everyone (including your son) feels hurt and frustrated with. IMHO I would heed Peg M's insights and allow time and consistency with positive rewards and calm but firm consequences to gradually work its magic. He'll get there but these things take time. And if you can find some patience and ACCEPTANCE for who he is as an individual separate from your other kids, you will see him get through this period, with your guidance and safe support, with flying colors. His strong will might seem frustrating now but is a trait to be honored and nourished...guided in the right direction. To break his strong will won't serve his later years well in my view. Nip things like nail biting in the bud. But honor and guide strong will...no nipping necessary:)

I did not do time outs, consequences (logical or otherwise), praise or rewards with DS. Since these do not seem to be working for you either, I think you will likely need to look for some new tools. Things that helped DS:

1. Enough sleep. If you can't get DS to nap, then I would try to move his bedtime earlier or consider moving his naptime a little later in the day (some kids are way sleepier at 2-3 in the afternoon than right after lunch).

2. Make sure he is not hungry - everything is harder when he is hungry (holds true for many adults as well).

3. Giving time warnings for transitions - that applies to just about everything - DS, we will need to go to swim lessons in 5 minutes, do you hear me?, repeat again a minute before the transition. Often toddlers are very occupied with whatever they are doing and do not see that what we want to do is more important (in our minds).

4. Modeling behaviors we want him to do. Punishing him (time out, taking his toys away etc) does not teach him what to do, just what not to do. He needs acceptable tools to get what he wants/needs - so when he smirks and grabs a toy, you say - mommy, can I please have that toy now? He learns what will work better.

5. I think what you are doing with 'quiet time', just calmly walking him back to his room is good. Just keep doing it.

6. Avoid confrontations you will not win. Because the big goal is not to 'win', it's to raise an intelligent, compassionate, thoughtful adult, not an obedient child. So (and this is hard and certainly I did not always do it successfully) this is thinking when you want him to do something and he has an objection - a. is his objection valid? If it is, address it - if you are on his side he will start to think before routinely losing it.
b. is my problem with how he is asking? If so, model asking the 'right' way, then just address his concern.
c. is this issue really important? If not, then let him have some control.

So this would look like: me, let's put on the green shirt, he starts yelling, I don't want the green shirt - me - ok, what do you want?, Him - (yelling and crying) I want the yellow shirt - me (talking for him) - ok, mommy, may I please wear the yellow shirt instead - then me (as me), ok DS, let's put on the yellow shirt together.

Try looking for info on positive discipline if you are interested.

I have a couple books for you: 1,2,3 Magic or The Happiest Kid on the Block. Both are good books for this type of behavior. So is Making your Children Mind So You Don't Lose Yours. Those can help you refocus when you're about to lose it. I have a strong willed child, as well. And I am pushed to my limits some days! =) Don't let him get to you. Figure out what he needs & fill his love tank. You sound like a good mom. I know you can do it!

I would contact an Early Intervention in your area they do/can help give you tools to help with behaivor as well as evaluate to see if there are any medical underlying issues there. sounds like a lot of things my son did turns out he has ADHD and some other issues going on that we are seeking therepies for ... just a suggestion.

What wonderful responses! I just wanted to add a hug for you. I know how you feel. My third, now three and a half, is very similar. My little guy is so different from the others!
He has always been one big ball of smiles and laughter. He makes the same smirk you described, which really gets under my husbands skin. I always remind him that he is just three, which is also good to hear myself. He has been an amazing challenge, nothing has come easy with him but once I accepted that that is just him, it made it easier for me. Now I just go with it and using creative ways to get wher we need to be, he is blooming into such a wonderful person! Meeting him with anger or frustration never worked as well as learning that what I was doing was no more important than what he was doing, or needed me for!
When he starts running around the house throwing every thing he can find and knocking things off of tables it is my turn to drop what I am doing and see what he really needs while gently remindingbhim that these things do not belong on the floor or in the air and the I give him a positive focus. Going outside almost always helps him, he needs to feed his energy to the world!
Hope this helps, you have gotten such wonderful responses here! You will be in my thoughts : )
C.

My son was like that around that age, so I know the frustration! Along with the other advice, keep trying to figure out what gets through to your son, what will get his attention. Time outs never worked for my son, and he could care less if we spanked him. So eventually we started offering him rewards that he could work for all day (more of a positive reinforcement than a punishment, I suppose). Keep it cheap, like a toy from the dollar store... my son likes stickers, cookie cutters, balloons, tic tacs, etc. He has to do something to earn the prize by the end of the day. For example, clean up his toys, or behave during a trip to the grocery store. If he messes up, he can try again the next day. My son gets so proud when he earns his reward. But we still have our off days, and he will throw a pretty impressive tantrum when he realizes he blew his chance to get the prize. Best of luck, don't give up!