Advice Re: 2.5 Year Old Entering into the Terrible Twos

Hi HappyMama, First let me say, it's great that you are a happy Mama, that's half the battle. Times outs and taking toys away don't have long term affect because that is punishment not discipline. I have never believed in the terrible twos, it's a way parents can explain away bad behavior. The reason the behavior starts to change around two is because there has been punishment but no real discipline and when a child goes through 2 years of life, with no real discipline they get pretty much set in their ways, we used age appropreit discipline from the start, so we never went through what people call the terrible tow's with our 3 children. You are going to have to set rules and bounderies, and there is going to have to be consequences for not oberying and rewards when he does. he needs to know he's not in charge, he needs to be taught that tantrums WILL NEVER get him what he wants, and through this teaching you need be patient and never yell at him. Our kids are grown now so i know the way we did things works at least it did in our family. Be strong and patient, firm yet loving and you should start to see some changes. J.

Oh goodness, get ready to grit your teeth and hold on tight cause this is a bumpy ride!! My son is turning 3 in a couple of weeks and he is finally coming out of the worst of it! Praise the Lord! We started with spankings which seemed to intensify the situation. We then started time outs which really helps with him. It seems to calm him down alot. We have a chair in our room with nothing fun around that he has to sit in for 3 mins no playing, no getting down, and we don't carry on conversations with him during this time. Sometimes I do sit in front of him on the ground to make sure he doesn't get up. When I sit him down I get to his level and explain why he's there and after his time is up I do this again and then ask if he's ready to be nice. If he says yes then he has to say sorry to whom ever was effected by his behavior (ie if he hits his sister he has to say sorry after time out). This has really helped him out a lot but the key is to be consistent with whatever you choose to do. If you give them an inch they will take a mile...or 2 or 3!! lol Keep in mind to be patient and always remember he will grow out of it! You will probably have your share of meltdowns but the two's will pass, I promise!!

Terrible twos only happen if they're allowed. Time outs and toy removals definitely enable them, that's why so many kids have them, but if you are firm and consistent, he'll learn a lot faster. Never get angry, always give a firm warning-which is an explanation of the offense as well as a chance to avoid the consequence, and then a consequence (sting on the butt) the second time if he decides to proceed, and you know he fully understood you. In no time he'll learn to react to just the warning. It seems harsh for small things, but it is preventative so things don't escalate, not angry random punishment.

Discipline is to teach things which are absolutely not allowed, like tantrums, hitting, kicking and other serious things that will escalate, teach your child you are not in charge, and enable them to practice seriously wrong behavior making them more set in their wrong ways. Anything you are using which is not nipping the behavior, is not working. It should not take endless repetition (often confused for growing out of it). Nothing we have used this for has taken more than a couple of episodes.

We spanked early on (before 2) for very serious things so they didn't begin, and after that we almost never needed discipline. We never yell or use anything else. Our kids behave well naturally and happily. Thank goodness time outs weren't invented yet when we were kids, so we refused to bother with that-especially since kids we know who get time outs use them to throw tantrums in. We had happy childhoods and never acted the way kids do now. You can nip it quickly if you're firm enough. We did.

And none of the college "studies" you'll hear about saying this will make your kids damaged forever and living in fear of you and unable to think for themselves later are true. I've never seen a legitimate one of those (and I've read many) following kids raised in supportive loving homes with the occasional swat on the butt. Because kids and adults raised that way are living happily, not getting "studied". And hitting doesn't teach hitting is OK-again-our kids don't hit (neither did we) and their non spanked friends do.

A kid this age does not have automatic skills, in managing their emotions and impulses. They do not know how.

Emotions are not even fully developed at this age, nor their communication ability. They don't even know how they feel, they just tantrum.

So: from 2 years old, I taught my kids about 'feelings' and the names for it.
I taught them how to say it, and the words. I taught them how to KNOW themselves.
Like a rock collecting moss... over time... it will help them down the road.
I explained, everyone gets happy or sad or grumpy. Its okay, but they can tell me. And I taught them how.

Kids, sure get punished for acting out.
BUT...they also need to be given, the skills for recognizing their emotions and reactions. That is taught.
Some adults, don't even have that skill.

My son for example, at 3 years old, could tell me his feelings, with the correct words and he KNEW himself.
He would actually know the difference between him being "grumpy" or 'irritated' or 'frustrated.'
If he was fussy I would ask him "Are you grumpy?" and he would say "NO Mommy, I am frustrated..." and then tell me why. For example.

Kids can learn. But not just from punishments alone.
You also need to teach them about feelings, how to say it, the words for it, and that they CAN tell you about it and be allowed to.

THEN, you also teach them "coping-skills.' So that in time, they learn how to cope. And manage their good or icky feelings.
Again, not even some adults have learned this or know how.
It is taught.

Also, even the best of kids, has icky moments and frustrations. So pick your battles.
No kid will be perfect. So teach them 'how'... and give them skills.
It takes time... but if you teach them, they will learn.

Again, just punishments alone, is not enough. If you do not teach them skills for coping and how to know themselves.

Show him books, on expressions. Tell him the names for it. Make it fun. Make your face in various expressions and teach him the names for 'feelings.' I did that too, from the time my kids were 2 years old.

all the best,
Susan

One of my twins does this. I just calmly say, "We don't kick," and move on to something else. Our reactions drive our kids more than anything else.

argh! i'm there too, my dear! my son does the EXACT same thing by looking @ me and smiling when i say no sternly to him. drives me nuts. however, my friend will discipline him in the same way i did and he bows his head & pokes out his bottom lip & looks as if he's really sorry he committed the offense. what's up w/that??!
anyway, i didn't read anyone's responses, so if i'm repetitive sorry. but i read happiest toddler on the block from time to time. it has seriously helped me SO much! of course it doesn't have the answer for everything or every situation, but it gives me solace to know my boy's not just total punk, he's really just developing quite normally. :)
in addition, over the wknd, something urged me to buy markers, stickers glitter & a posterboard...mommy made a 'good boy' chart! :) (lol - b/c i'm so NOT creative) I made three sections - two of the sections were of bad behaviors i have to redirect him on constantly (throwing his cup, pinching/hitting our dog), the last section is just labeled "good boy" b/c the book taught me to praise over & over & over again. i already did...but to do it MORE. :) so, girl, lemme tell you, my son loves those stickers & tonight when he didn't throw a hissy after i said no to "one more book" (we read five!!), i let him put a sticker under the "good boy" section. omg, this is working!!! :) idk, basically the book says to reward the good behavior & don't feel bad about giving your son 'treats' for being good. i never did that before, but the author said there's no long term consequences from it. all in moderation of course. i figure after 5 stickers, we'll get ice cream, but he's only 2 so if i have to/need to change the rules i will. but i'm gonna try the "reward" way of disciplining for awhile, b/c i'm w/you...nothing up until has worked AT ALL. sorry for the rambling, but i'm in your terrible two's boat! :) good luck happymama! :) those boys...aren't they just precious though?? :)

Remember when your little one was a baby and how much work, rewards, practice, consistency, we put in things like teaching them to stand, to hold his bottle, to eat on his own, etc?
Discipline is just another thing they have to learn, and it doesn't happen in a day. In my opinion this happen around this time because when they were babies they are use to us doing everything for them, and is this age when they start discovering that they can do things on their own, the meaning of yes and no, that they can interact and negotiate with you, and all of this stuff.

As soon as I saw your question I knew who would be here, and is up to you what to decide and to see what works for you, there are many ways you can deal with this, most of them will work if you are continuous and persistent.

In my own opinion some kids do are more easy to discipline and you can even get to pick your battles and negotiate with them without being afraid they will become spoil, others you just can't be selective and need to address any bad behavior or will start a snow ball.
Spanking works, and it works fast. Times out, works too, but it takes more consistency and time. Even talk to them works, again, it would probably take longer. Everything can works if you are firm, constant and be clear on what you expect.

For me what is working is time outs. Some days she would be so good that I only have to say if you don't listen you will go to a time out, others she seems to be sitting in time out a lot for a couple days and then she start to behave again.

Also, even if I don't have this case, I know many moms that children miss behave not because they are bad, or the mom is not trying and doing her best but because there kids need special help. No saying that yours does but that sometimes happen and no spanking or times out would really work because they need other help.

My daughter had sensory problem, she would HATE touch almost anything, she wouldn't touch her food, she would clean her hands to no stop if she got them wet, never play in sand/water, and she would also hate some food like the bananas or any sticky food. I am glad we find out and address it because I would have feel awful if I would have punish her for not eating something that was actually affecting her emotionally. So just let it there as a another possibility.

Hope this hard time for you and your daughter pass soon and that you keep growing a healthy, lovely and respectful relationship sooooooooo important for when the teen years come.

Best wishes.