2 1/2 Year Old Always Says "I Cant"

My son went through the “I Can’t” phase too about age 3. When he would say it I would respond with “Oh that’s too bad because I don’t know how and I was hoping you could show me”. He would get a little smirk on his face and almost puffed out his chest and would do it. LOL I think it didn’t last long with him because he realized how good it felt to accomplish something, even small things, and he was helping (wink) Mommy learn too =-)

He’s 5 now and he’ll say “I Can’t” when he genuinely doesn’t know how, but I’ll respond with “let me show you how”. If he still says “I can’t” I’ll say “perseverance my love!” and then he does.

He loves that word because he learned it from his Taekwon Do instructor who he totally respects.

Anyway just another idea along with the other great responses you’ve received.

Best of luck!

My son (3.5 yrs) did the same thing and still does it sometimes. I would tell him, yes you can, let me see you try. He would try and if he would have trouble doing it, I would describe to him how to do it. Then lots of praise when he did it. My son is slowly getting over it. Another thing we did was buy the book, The Little Engine That Could.

We always did the "can't is not a word" thing...but would say other things like "Did you say you don't know how to_____? and need help?"

My husband also did this totally crazy silly thing with our daughter. He started answering her with the word CHICKEN..for everything! And I mean everything. Reading a book she would point at the pig and say "what that Daddy?" he would say Chicken to absolutely everything...so she would say," NO daddy!...its a ___!". She would correct him. She would say "Thats not the right word!"

The same thing happened with Can't around here. She would say "I can't pick up my books" He would say CHICKEN a few times. Daughter would get frustrated with him but then would say "Daddy....*sigh*..Chicken's not the right word..to which he might say, "can't is not the right word, either".....

Its a phase....you can get thru it!

She would figure it out quick...but it happened alot. :-)

My son had a phase where he said he couldn't do things. He always wanted me to help him. I remember thinking, is he going to need me forever?! Perhaps it is just a phase your little guy is going through. I just remained encouraging with my son and told him he can. He was very timid and I think he was scared to try something new since he didn't know what to expect. I think if you continue to be encouraging he will become more confident.

I've dealt with the "I can't"s many times and they can be super-frustrating, especially when you ask them to do something simple, like pick up a toy. "I can't" is a learned way of getting out of doing something, because when they say "I can't" someone does it for them. Kids will suddenly be unable to put their socks on, pick up a toy, finish dinner, but still able to go to the park, play with their toys, etc. I just tell the child in a firm voice that "Yes, you can_________, I know you can and I'm not going to do it for you." And then, the real key is that I DON'T. If I ask you to put your socks on so we can go play and you can't, then we don't go play. If I ask you to pick up your toys before we take something else out and you can't, then we don't take out new toys. If they can't finish their lunch, then they can finish it at snack-time before they get snackfoods. If it becomes more of a defiance thing, where "I can't" takes the place of "No" I treat it that way, letting the child know that they can and they will, because I asked them to do it and they don't say "no" to me. It's a tough phase, but if you don't give in it will pass quickly. Good luck!

You could tell him "I think you can, let's try" Then you're giving him an out in case he really can't (vs. tell him "yes you can") and letting him know that you support him. Worked fantastic with my daughter.

Nichol, chicken, lol :)!!

T.--in addition to the answers so far, a question that he has to think to answer can sometimes get gears turning: "Huh. Well, what is the smallest part of that job that you think you *can* do?" and then instead of suggesting things, wait ... and if the waiting gets interminable, get behind him and move his hands with your hands on top to do the thing in question. If you can sing a little song or something to distract him from the doing (prevent a fight), that might help? And when he has done whatever small or big part, with whatever help he had, be sure to verbally recognize that ("What a good job you did with (x)! Let's try (the next step)!" or "What a good job you did with (x)! What do you think might help you do it more easily next time?" etc.).

Also, yes it is partly the age (argh!).

And "I can't" is sometimes related to a very real realization and very rational fear that he really *can't* do everything in the world, and part of our self-definition (who are we, separate from the universe/people around us?) is threatened at that point of realization ... if that's where he's at, it's Oh So Important for Mommy to handle his fear with care and understanding.

If it's just to be a pain in the butt, I can't help you there, I'm still trying to (with one of my kids) figure out the key for "I enjoy being a pain in the butt just because it makes Mom crazy" ;) sighhhhhhhhh!

I think every child tries that route at one point.

I used to say Oh I think you can or "Hmm that's too bad because we were going to do "x' after you were finished but I guess we will have to wait.

Maybe he's really meaning "I don't know how to do it alone or by myself". Maybe say something like "I would like some help doing X mommy" and he'll probably repeat it (or ask him to repeat it). Then explain that it's okay to not know how to do something (even if he can) but that if he asks for help, you can show him how.

Or ask him to try to do it and you can do it too (if it's washing his hands), do it together.

Or say "I think I can I think I can" while guiding him through it.

My daughter sometimes tells me that she can't also. Mostly lately is just seems to be attached to pulling down a pull-up to potty or pulling up her Gerber training panties. I always respond with "Are you sure? Lets see if you can. Your a big girl now and I bet you can now!" She usually will give it a try and I will help if it looks like she is struggling. She is saying it less and less. She will be 3 on Nov. 30th.

Treat it like "no" and enforce that he is not supposed to say it. He'll get out of the habit. It's the same thing as when kids say "no" because they dont' want to do it. Just don't allow it. Be firm!

Maybe your son feels pressured to do things. I know that sounds strange, but that was how my daughter was at that age and still is at almost 6. Even when we follow up with the I know you can do it - she will dig her heels in and say she cant. I take the route - 'well thats too bad - guess we cant do xx then.' and not get emotionally envolved in her cant. Tried that route and it only makes it worse for her. If I say - let me show you or do it for you - then I get more cants. Be very 'oh well ish' then move on to YOUR next thing, and leave the cant situtation.
I also changed the way I ask her to do things. I dont say - 'can you'.Or ask her to do anything in a question. Instead I say things like - 'when you are done with your snack - make sure to put your plate in the kitchen, then we can play.' or 'when you put on your shoes we can leave' pharsing things like that helps big time. Good Luck!

My son started the same thing at 3. At age 2, kids feel empowered by all the new things they can do, and they want to try everything. By 3, they are bored with the things they CAN do, and frustrated by the things they CAN'T do. They are also learning to judge things before hand and guess whether it is possible or not.
When my son starts the "I can't whine", I tell him that if he can't, then I will be happy to help him... BUT, I must see him give it his best try first. If it is something I know he can do, I sing him a little power song (Come on Joey, you can do it, put a little power to it. P-O-W-E-R POWER!!!!) He believes that this gives him power. When he does complete the task, I exclaim (sometimes over the top) "YAY, I KNEW you could do it!". I often hear him saying this to himself now too. If he can't do it, I tell his he did a great job trying, and I will help him now.
This has helped tremendously with us.

Hi T.-

Are you pregnant or do you have a new baby in the house? Often toddlers will regress when a new baby in coming/here.

If not, your toddler is on the edge between being a baby and a big kid. It was like when we were 17 about to turn 18. We wanted the freedom of adulthood, but the safety net of childhood. Your toddler is there too. When he says he can't, he really is saying he doesn't want to.

I suggest you give him the words. "do you mean you want some help, I'd be happy to help you." I bet he will be happy with a little help from you.

In the near future, focus on him being a big kid, without craming it down his throat. Just gentle reminders about what big kids can do.

R. Magby

That's easy.....when he says he can't.....say ok....then go sit down.........if that doesn't work challenge him..........for instance......go throw this away for mommy please..........i can't........You can't? Why I think you can because you are getting to be such a big boy.....are you not getting to be a big boy? (or whatever you use to show how proud you are of him) If he still "can't" tell him that is such a shame......because you want him to grow up and be a big boy that can do anything he puts his mind too........I think you get the picture......

Now when he does something, then be sure to tell him, WOW what a big boy you are.....I can't believe you did that......good job!! Especially if it is something that you didn't ask him to do..........he just does it......in other words, show him what big boy stuff he can do.........and of course, when he does things for you that you ask, again, he's such a big boy.

Is there someone he is with that tells him he can't do things because he is too young, or they feel they can't do things? Any new friends he's made or a family member down on their luck right now who feels they are not in control?

I would have a talk with him and tell him that he can do many things, that yes he is young, but there's things he can do that you can't.........like run and play all day.....we just get to tired!!

Good Luck and I'm sure he will get over it soon with some encouragement. Take care.

I don't know if anyone else mentioned this, but also make sure that you don't say "I can't" in response as a way of saying no. So many times a kid says, "I wanna do this" and we say, "We can't right now" instead of putting up with the fight that might come with saying an outright no. Or if you truly can't do something, and you say, "I can't" or "we can't" etc etc.

Kids really are a reflection of us, they really copy us. So I've tried my best to not say "I can't" or "we can't" and instead explain WHY: "Auntie Lisa is at school today - she isn't home - but I'll call her and see if we can visit tomorrow." It's harder, of course, to find ways to say no without the can't, but I think it's an important lesson.