19 Month Old Daughter BADLY Pinching 3 Month Old Sister

I don't have any advice to share with you b/c my son is only 9 months old and I haven't experienced anything like this yet. However, I read your post and really felt for you, so I just wanted to say that I hope you find a resolution soon. I can't imagine having to deal with something like this. Kudos to you for not lashing out and spanking or hitting. Good luck!

Until she is old enough to understand that what she is doing is NOT ok, I would suggest she not be allowed to be close enough to the baby to hurt her. Give her kiss the baby minutes, but then that's it. I would give her a doll and say "this is your baby." Show me how gentle you can be. 19 months is very young and too young to get it. Keep them separated before she really does damage.

I would keep your daughter AWAY from the baby at all costs! She sounds dangerous and extemely jealous. I am really not sure what you should do. My twins were 22 months when my baby was born and they love to touch him but never hurt him. I won't even let them near him most of the time because they can be rough. Does she have her own baby dolls to practice mothering? Good luck.

These moms are giving you wonderful advice! I watch kids in my home.....the giving her a baby(new one) and telling her this is her baby and teaching her how to nurture and love is the best way to teach her....I also agree with not just telling her"No'...explain in very few words...Example..."No hitting/scratching...that hurts...love baby.." then show her how to do so

The other advice given is very good, so I won't repeat any of it. I wanted to emphasize that it's important to teach your older child what kind of touches are allowed. If you catch her in the act or about to scratch, stop her, tell her "No, we do not scratch, use nice/gentle touches." Then, hold her hand and show her how to touch, a gentle/soft touch on the arm or leg. This is the approach used by our daycare, so we do it at home. I think telling her "No" is only 1/2 the message, the other 1/2 is showing her what king of touches are allowed. She can practice her gentle touches on the baby doll too. And you can make it something she's proud of, ask her "show me how to touch the baby?" And reinforce her with praise. You can also pick up one or two of the books in the series, "Hands are not for Hitting" http://www.freespirit.com/catalog/item_detail.cfm?ITEM_ID=93. That will further reinforce what you are teaching her.

Ours were 23 months apart. In the beginning, our son would hit and squeeze the baby, after 6 months, I finally feel comfortable turning my back on the two of them (but not for more than a minutes or two!).

hey,

I have a 6 month old and a 21 month old so I can kinda relate to the not understanding the whole younger sister thing. Both of mine are boys. The key thing that I really tried to do when the new baby came home was to involve the older one in as much of the care of the younger as possible. I know it is hard because how much can a 19 month old do...but I tried. I moved the diapers to a lower shelf and baby clothes to a lower shelf so the older brother could get one for mommy. He shook the bottles for baby. He (with help) placed the nuk in baby's mouth. Anything you can do to include the older one, I would try. My oldest did in the beginning hit the baby but we had a time out, followed by showing him proper ways to touch baby. He no longer hits but still does stand right next to the baby which we are working on. I guess what worked for me is including the older one in as much care of baby as possible...putting baby to bed....waking baby up...etc. I also nursed the baby while having the older one on my lap reading him a book....hard but can be done. Anywyas, I thought I would share. Sorry if you already tried these things to no avail. I hear raising boys is easier that girls. :) Best of luck!

Hello J.,
It's okay, take a deep breath. Now, you have to let your oldest know it is not okay to hurt the baby. She is at the height for what they called, "stranger anexiety". It starts at about 9 months, peaks at 18 months and is usually over by 3 years. She is prob. feeling scared and left out and out of control. She must not be let alone with the baby at anytime If you have to, lock the baby in another room if you can not watch them both. Have you gotten a real life looking baby doll for her to "help" take care of? What may help the most, and it won't be overnight, is to spend time alone with only her and not the baby. If you can take her out or do something special with just her. Explain that she is special because she is a "big" girl and she can do things the baby can't. Also have her help you with the baby. Handing you a diaper, counting bottles, sorting clothes.

A little about me; Mom of 3.... 15,19,22. Wife for 24 yrs, family child care provider for 8 yrs.

My girls are about 26 months apart and my older one was treating the younger one similarily - no blood but we couldn't leave them alone for a second. A few things that helped...
--we kept the older one's routine exactly the same
--we made a point of spending one on one time with the older child and making a "big deal" of having one on one time without the "baby sister."
--we started positivly reinforcing good behavior more than usual (stickers or simply just saying "yea, zoe did XXX!"

i also talked to the pediatrician who said it would take about 2 to 3 months for our older one to adjust but it really took closer to 4 to 5 months. hang in there...hope it improves for your soon.

J.,
I'm sure O. thing your daughter is after--your attention. Positive or negative! Make sure to try to spend even a few special "her" minutes each day. When she is gentle with the baby--tell her how proud you are of her. Otherwise, I would try to keep the baby away from her as much as you can because you don't need something worse to happen. So, I guess that's my advice--extra time with her, praise for good behavior and keep the baby safe. Hang in there. Her jealousy will diminish over time. Good luck!

J.,

My daughter was 21 months when her brother was born. She wasn't nearly as violent to her brother as your daughter is but she did act out a lot. (She never hurt Aaron by scratching but when he started crawling she would pull his hair every time she went past him. She also kicked a lot, not specifically at him but if he was in her range then watch out.)

Time outs do not really work well at this age as the child only has a limited ability to understand what they did wrong and even less of an ability to remember and even less of an ability to control their behavior. A behavior specialist can probably help but your insurance most likely will not cover it. It may cover a psych consult.

OK, here is what I did. I did the pillow thing - I made her kick the pillow or hit the pillow when she was angry. (Of course my daughter was a few months older and those months do make a lot of difference.)I also reprimanded her with the same thing "No! Bad! Hurt!" over and over again. When she got older (around 26 months) I would make her pat the baby and say "sorry". I would explain to her after the incident that she hurt the baby. I would spend time while Aaron was napping doing things with just her (not cleaning the house or getting work done). I would spend babysitting time out with just my daughter even if it was just grocery shopping. But the only real solution was a lot of love and a lot of attention and never leaving her alone with the baby - ever! I had to keep a constant eye on her always. I had to keep them separated even when we were playing together.

I can tell you that it is very difficult to discipline a child at this age. And yes, even though I do not believe in spanking I spanked her twice over this. Stupid move - it did NOTHING to change her behavior, it only reinforced her solution that violence is the way to handle your anger. So remain calm and keep them separated.

Also instead of letting her handle the baby, get her a baby doll that can be her baby. If she wants to handle the baby, show her what to do with her own baby. It doesn't even have to be a doll, a favorite stuffed animal works well. I bought a second hand doll changing station, stroller, car seat, etc. and let her play Mommy with her Cinderella doll. That helped a lot.

Finally it does pass. My children are now 3.5 and 1.5 and they play together pretty well. Aemilia is still a bit of a bully at times and Aaron is a bit of a crybaby at times but now I can let them work it out themsleves unless it is a dangerous situation.

Good luck.

A.

Hi J.,
This is a tough situation, but your older daughter just misses having you and your husband all to yourself. I think one thing to try is to make sure that she has you and your husband all to herself for a period of time each day. Even if it is just reading a book, or taking a walk alone without the baby, she may see that she is still important, and doesn't have to compete. She knows that she gets attention when she hurst the baby, even if it is negative. Good luck.

Hi J., I can understand your frustration. An older child will almost always have jealous feelings when a newborn enters the picture.What is really needed is for the older child to feel more secure and that can be easily remedied. They don't understand that meeting needs of a baby is not a message of rejection.Here are some things that might work, having the other parent take her for a one on one outing or it could be another relative,getting that "personal" time,making her feel just as special.You could incorporate her in taking care of the baby (together) with MUCH supervision,something of that nature. I know you said you don't believe in hitting,neither do I but I do believe in disciplining.You need to start now,'cause when she gets older you'll really have a PROBLEM.Look her in the eyeball,squeeze her hand to get her attention and verbally emphasize NO!! that is not how you touch her!!! You will need to use a little pressure or LIGHT SMACKING ON HER HAND to make sure she understands what you want.Loving and discipline go hand in hand, or worse case scenario,visits to the hopspital will cease and your baby will have fatal injuries or the govt. will step in.

Not to be frank, but time out (30 seconds to a min., it goes by age) is the best method whether you think that it doesn't phase her. Consistancy with it will get to her. Along with losing something that is precious to her, a toy, stuffed animal, something. She is old enough to know "NO" and "Yes, good girl". I would definately suggest to watch supernanny on your local television station, with more ideas. Along with trying to spend some quiet time with her w/o baby.

I had this same situation with my son who would "Bite" my daughter causing her to bleed. IT was a very trying time but I kept at it until it stopped.

Mom of 4.