19 Year Old Daughter

Did you do what ever it was he asked her to do? If not he was right in my opinion. If she is not paying part of the house note and utility bills I would say she still has to do what is expected of her.

Well I don't know that you did wrong against him, but maybe your approach wasn't wise at the moment. My husband and I are both pretty strong willed characters and we do not always agree when it comes to parenting. There have been a couple times when we just totally clashed and I rushed right in to get him to see reason and those are the only times I have ever made him super angry. Whenever he feels I don't back him up he just goes through the roof. Now at times that has left me feeling like I don't have the right to voice my opinion which in turn has ticked me off. After talking it out I have been learning that the thing I have to do is allow the heat of the moment to pass and go to him and talk about things when we have all calmed down and just ask him about the situation. With my husband, if he does overreact, in a few minutes he will settle down and sort things out with our son. I have to leave them the space to work our their own relationship and not intervene like I am the one who will "protect" my child from his big bad bully dad. Of course his dad is wonderful, but if I am not careful I could create this instability like I am the parent that will come to the rescue etc... I do think you need to talk this out more with your husband. Parenting is not a solitary sport, so of course him telling you to raise the girls alone sounds like anger talking but I don't think you want to let that go without dealing with it. After he is all cooled off, why not just ask him about your daughter and how he thinks she is doing lately, or whatever you can ask to get him talking. You know there could be a lot of things under the surface. Maybe he doesn't like this guy, maybe he is just have a really hard time letting her go, who knows. But if you talk it out you guys can get to a solution and be back in agreement. Like you may come up with a curfew that is reasonable to both of you so she doesn't have to ask permission to go places as long as she is home on time. Hope this helps! Take care:)

Jen B has wonderful advice! Wait for the heat to subside and talk this over. There is a need to talk about some new rules now that your daughter is an adult, who sounds quite responsible. Talk with your husband about having a family meeting with your daughter to discuss this new role as adult child, the rules and expectations. A family meeting (after just you and your husband have talked)could defuse future anger and prevent rebellion. It sounds like you have a wonderful daughter and it also sounds like your husband does have a reason for being so strict. With an adult child, your roles as parents must change and that is so very difficult to do, but can result in a very rewarding relationship with your adult children.

It seems everyone has given you good advise and I will ditto their suggestions. It seems you husband has forgotten what it is like to be 19 and then also she is a daughter and he might be struggling with that as she is no longer his "little" girl. Adults living together can butt heads but sitting down and setting down new rules I hope will help you. My husband and I had the same problem when one of our daughters moved and then moved back. She could not afford to live on her own and it is tough out there. Our daughter was also very responsible but loved to go out with her friends all the time and would come and go at all hours waking us up or disrupting our routine and not helping around the house. We sat her down and explained to her we understood her age, her independence etc. however she could not expect to live in our home and we pay all the bills yet she lives by her own rules. So we all came to an agreement on the rules and it worked fine. She got out of line a few times but that is expected. They are still growing up and learning as well. Today she is on her own and a single mother of two and I am so very proud of her. It is give and take on both sides but your husband needs to realize she is not a little girl anymore and if he harps on her and tells her NO all the time, she could possibly move out and you don't want her to move out over anger. If that happens you take a chance of losing her to some degree and she won't come around as much and you will lose her love and affection and you don't want that to happen over something so silly that can be worked out. Your husband I am sure feels he is still the head of the household and the father, but his role has to change. Your daughter sounds very responsible and if your husband doesn't think so, just talk to others and see how others are having a lot of problems with their children who still live in the house, don't work and do nothing to help being flat lazy and no incentive to do anything. Your husband should count his blessings as it sounds like you two did a good job in raising your daughter. It will all work out but all of you have to work together. There are so many rewards later on in life and you do not want to jepodize those rewards. Your daughter loves you but she also wants to spread her wings. Let her but explain to her you want her to always be safe. It was still tough on us as we still worried when she was out late and that will never change. She is on her own and when I know she has gone out even though she doesn't live with us, I still worry because it is so crazy out there, but remember you had to grow up also and spread your wings. Good Luck to you all and I just know it will turn out OK for you.

I am a little confused. Did you contradict him in front of your daughter? If so, then that's not good. My kids Dad did that for years and they basically lost respect for me and my authority. Took a lot to get that back. Him threatening to have you raise them alone may not have been the most reasonable thing said but I kind of understand the frustration. You & your husband talk about it without her there and set, and stick to, a game plan. If you disagree with him in the given moment, then you two step aside "honey can I talk to you a minute" & go outside, another room without her there, get on the same page. This keeps the "we" with the children. If she was not in the room when you questioned his decision, then he is being rather disrespectful to you. Your not always going to agree, but threatening, storming out and basically pouting is definitely not a "we" way, or mature way, to handle it.

First of all, Jen B---Great Advice! I agree with what she stated!! Debbie M----are you kidding me??? No---do not go to him and say you respect him---or whatever. She is your daughter too and you have a right to decide also. Your daughter will soon feel that she needs independence, which will cause her to feel resentment towards her father if he continues. She is an adult, treat her like one. Remind her of the house rules, (chores completed, etc, etc..) and once all is done, she can go. Your husband really needs to grow up. Telling you that you can raise the girls by yourself...come on. No man or father should ever even say this. Hopefully he has cooled off by now and regretted saying this. He needs to talk it over w/you before he says yes or no to your daughter in the first place. He should have never blurted out "no" right away. You didn't know why he said this, but he should have told you why before he said "no". Discuss it before you give her an answer. Tell your daughter, "we'll let you know in a while because we need to discuss it.....have you done your chores" Let her know that it will depend on her, and why you've made the decision you made. Good luck.....whatever happens, do not beg for forgiveness...you are a woman....remember you stand beside him...not beneath him!

You and your husband need to sit down and talk to your daughter. Since she is working and paying her bills there needs to be some guidelines as to what is expected from her. Also, you need to discuss with your husband his reaction to this situation. Telling you that you can start raising the kids is unacceptable.

Ok, while you do not need to have the discussion in front of the person you are talking about, he acted like a child. Your daughter is 19. She is an adult. What is it he is expecting of her? Are his expectations of an adult or is he still thinking of her as a child? Do not take the blame for his childishness but do not undermine his authority. Men have a real hard time when they think you are emasculating them (which can be alot depending on your husband's self-esteem) Good luck to you. He needs a reality check. He is lucky his little girl doesn't move out to live with said boyfriend and not have to ask his permission for anything....

Hello, may i first dtart by saying that you two seem to have a wonderful daughter. She still asks premission to go somewhere which means she still respects you. But your hubby needs to let go or she will resent at least him. I dont believe you did wrong by going against him. I think your hubby is having problems letting go of his little girl and doesnt want to admit it. Try talking to him when there isnt much tension between you two. Ask him what is going through his mind. I hope this helps in somesort of way.

It sounds to me like he over reacted. Seems like he may be having a hard time realizing that his daughter is all grown up. 19 is an adult and your husband needs to realize that even though she still needs rules, she already has been raised. There really isn't much more raising you can do with a 19 year old.

I agree that you probably should pull him aside, you didn't specify if you disagreed in front of your daughter. (Maybe you didn't) but I don't think you did the wrong thing by standing up for your daughter when your husband is being unreasonable.

I would suggest to talk to him when you are both calm and see if you can adjust the rules for your adult daughter and clarify what the expectations for her are. Then sit down with her and have a family meeting.

wow that did not go over very well. its always best to support your spouse and disscuss when you dont agree about something calmly. and stick to the disission made at that time. but ask if we can talk about a different choice for the next time this comes up. your hubby needs to realize she is getting older and you have done a great job raising her and to trust she is responsible. you also need to realize that she didnt do what she was asked and still lives on the support of you both so your rules go! thats my take on it.

A.,
That happened with me and my husband is now involved with someone else and is seeking a divorce. He told me the same thing, that I could raise the kids by myself without his help. He said this once, stopped helping with them (two of them are late teens early 20's), then a year later he found someone else, told me he wanted a divorce and said it was my fault that I undermined him in front of the kids and didn't allow him to raise them properly. And it wasn't even that bad. I never said those things in front of the kids.
He made sure, and still does that it is my fault and that I still need to do right by the kids.
Soemone on this site sent me the book, "Created to Be His Help-Meet" by Deby Pearl and it changed my life and my thinking. Had I had it sooner, I could have saved my marriage. I pray that I could have. Don't let it go that far. Tell your husband you're sorry and that you respect him and his decisions regarding your daughter. I garantee the main reason he does that is to actually defy you and let you know that he is boss. This is how men are made. Let him know that you respect him, and treat him as the head of the household and then watch what incredible things begin to happen. This is how God meant for things to work. You have an important role, but it is not to be the head of the household - that's his role. Read the book, you'll see what I mean and you'll be glad you did.
But for now, go tell him you respect him - watch his reaction to that. Amazing!!!!
God bless and good luck. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
D.

Well, first off I agree with what others have said that you need to go by his decision at the time and then talk about it later. Your daughter is an adult but, if she is still living at home she needs to live by the house rules. I would encourage your daughter to move out on her own and then she wouldn't need to ask permission. Or, if she stays at home then maybe it is time to all sit down together and make adjustments to things so they fit an adult and not a teenager in HS.

She while she lives in your house is going to have to live by the house rules, but as a adult she is also responsible for herself and she needs to know this. Mom and dad can't help with everything anymore. If there is a problem with the law for example she is the one who will have to suffer. You in the end my have to foot or at least help foot the bill but she will have to live with it. Your husband seems not to want her to grow up and this is killing him, his little girl is not a little girl anymore......