18 Month Throwing Fits...

Sorry- the link I clicked went to the wrong request and I didn't realize it until I had already responded and posted.

My best advice is to ignore it. once he sees that there isn't a response to the behavior and he's not getting any results, he will eventually stop. Tantrums are just exacerbated if you stop what you're doing and focus on him. I know it's hard though...

One other method that is kind of fun if the mood strikes you, but might work better when he's a little older... shock the heck out of him by dropping on the floor and out-tantruming him. Kick, scream, howl, bang your fists on the floor... I guarantee he will stop whatever he's doing and stare at you, because this is not "mommy" behavior. Then, you can have a discussion with him about how ridiculous that was, and how it didn't accomplish anything.

Hi T.!

What worked for me at this age was the Happiest Toddler on the Block trick.

When your son throws a fit, get down at his eye level and match his energy with your words. For example, let's say he wants to eat NOW and, for whatever reason, now is not the time to eat (you need to put clothes in the dryer, the food's not done yet, you're driving down the highway). He starts to scream, wiggle, thrash about, etc.

You say something like, "I want to eat NOW. No, mommy, no! I don't want to wait. I want to eat NOW." Match your tone to his tone and, if possible, get down to his level and look him in the eye (obviously not possible while driving!!).

Don't take over his tantrum - watch him carefully and match him. If he starts to wind down, you wind down and wait. When he seems calmer, tell him something like, "I know you want to eat now, but mommy needs to _____ first." Then introduce something else, like, "can you help mommy with the laundry? pick up that shirt!" or "let's sing a song!".

I felt like a fool the first time I did this, but it worked.

FYI - the book says this will work through age 2, even to age 3, but it didn't for my daughter. Around age 2, simple consequences to actions and talking about the behavior I expected from her worked much better. Every child is different, of course - my nephews are far more physically oriented than my daughter and "talking things through" didn't work with them until they were in grade school!!!

But at age 18 months, when they are not very verbal and truly can't be expected to understand consequences to behavior, such as "if you throw a tantrum, you can't have dessert," I found the above worked really well.

FYI - I, too, would sometimes get on the floor and mimic her behavior. She would stop in her tracks and just stare at me. We would then both start laughing and the whole thing would be forgotten. It's definitely worth a shot!

Good luck and welcome to parenting - your baby is growing up : )

I don't know if this works for everyone, but it is working well for my son who a 21 months old. When he is in a potential tatrum situation (I know he's not going to want to leave the park, or give back the bottle of medicine he grabbed out of my purse) I tell him in a really high energy voice what I want him to do--something like "Oh, no those are dangerous, put them a back in my purse...hurry, hurry, they are dangerous" Or I tell him we are going to leave the park in two minutes (he has no concept of time, but he does get it is getting ready to leave), then tell him it's almost time to leave, but we'll come back another day, then okay it's time to leave wave bye bye to the park, see you soon park! This works great for my son, if I were to grab something out of his hands he would scream and want it back (plus I would be mad if someone did that to me too!). If I just picked him up and pulled him away from something he was engaged with he would be upset, so I try to tell him exactly what I want him to do and prepare him ahead of time for what the expectations are--sometimes I actually say something like, you are such a good boy, I know you're going to put that back on the shelf where it goes. He has his moments, but this is working for us.

As for food, I feed my son when he wants to eat because I hate feeling really hungry. But, we have a rule that you have to be sitting at the table to eat or drink, even to eat a grape. This has actually has curbed his snacking somewhat because having to sit at the table is a bit less fun that getting to eat outside or in the living room. Now when he's hungry he goes to the table and climbs in a chair.

When he is hungry, let him have a healthy snack. Offer him a couple of healthy choices.

When he does have a fit, if he is safe, walk away. Pretend it doesn't bother you. Say, "I will talk to you when you are calm." and walk away. Keep an eye out for his safety, but don't let him see that it bothers you. He wants it to bother you so bad you give in. He is attempting to condition you to do what he wants. Condition him to talk to you when he is calm.

One thing that worked for my son, was, I got down on the floor and kicked and screamed right next to him. He stopped, looked at me, and I don't remember him doing that again.

My daughter is the same age and just started tantrums as well.
I usually stay with her and explain to her how it is alright to feel upset, but not is not the right time for whatever she wants. She is pretty strong willed and will go on for 15 minutes, but I simply do not give in and at the same time stay close so she knows it will be alright.

Toddlers have strong emotions and believe validating and naming the emotions they go through is important. I may hold her hand or stroke her head, but do not pick her up or fuss too much.

Just stay consistent and predictable, it's a phase that they eventually grow out of.

Putting him in his crib is the best you can do. This phase will pass. You just need to live through it. Separating him from you, short time outs, removing him from what he wants to do, turning your back on him....they are all good things to do.

You need to stay calm, and unemotional. Other wise it will become a game to him, and it will be a game you don't want to play.

When the new baby comes, you probably are going to have some change in behavior. Expect it and plan for it. Maintain your rules and expectations of behavior. Even when you are tired.

As to giving him choices of activities or clothes, give him only two or three. More that that overwhelm a young child.

Whatever do, do it consistently for at least a month.

My daughter threw fits from 6 months til she went to kindergarten. I used to pick her up in the store and throw her under my arm and carry her like a rug with legs and arms flaying. So you are not alone and I know that you will survive this.

My son (13 months) is just entering the fit throwing phase so let me say I totally feel for you. It is so hard and exhausting, but it sounds like you are doing great. The key is to be consistent. We had to do 4 time outs the other day during one meal because he kept throwing fits but he finally realized that his fit was not getting what he wanted and the rest of the evening was very plesant. I would say either ignore the fit or put him in his crib/pack and play for a few minutes that way he can realize that his behavior is not OK and you can breath for a bit. We are also working on sign language with our son to help him communicateand that seems to be helping as well, but sometime it is just that the answer is "no" and that is not the answer that he wants but they just have to realize that is the way it is. Good Luck! Hang in there and this stage will pass (that is what I have to tell myself too!)

I would suggest that you give him as many choices as you can. Food, for example - as long as you have only healthy food available and offer him a variety to choose from, he should be able to choose when and what to eat. I think it is really important that children learn to trust their own bodies - they know when they are hungry and what their body needs (this obviously doesn't work if unhealthy, addictive foods are available to them). I would let go of the idea of needing him to eat on any kind of a schedule. And think about what other areas you might be able to be more flexible in letting him choose and follow his own needs. Which might include letting him sleep with you, if he isn't already. Obviously there are a few times when the parent needs to make the decision for the child, but if you can minimize those times, everyone will be happier. Also I wouldn't do a time out. If he is upset about something I would hold him while he cries and empathize with him about how mad he is. You could see it as a good thing that he is so clear about what he wants!

I know conventional wisdom says to ignore a tantrum or to walk away. I wanted to offer a different point of view. A tantrum is an expression of very strong emotion. Imagine that you were awash in disappointment, to the point that all rational thought had left your mind, and the person that you care the ABSOLUTE most about in the entire world turns and walks away from you. It wouldn't feel good. I offer that you stay with your DS, rub him on the back and let him work through his emotions. We do this with our son and especially at 18 months he would snap out of it very very quickly. Tantrums have not been a huge problem in our house.

Truthfully I feel that walking away just leads to feelings of abandonment and does nothing to help a toddler regain control. And just because we don't understand why they want something so badly doesn't mean that their wants and desires should be diminished. Whatever they have a meltdown over is VERY important to them. Isn't it our job as parents to help them develop emotional maturity?

We've also used Happiest Toddler techniques with a lot of success. It's a great way to reflect your toddler's feelings. I'm a big big fan. Again, a little toddler-ease and DS snaps out of it very quickly.

Lastly, on the food, let me offer another approach. Let your toddler pick out his food. Offer him healthy choices, then sit back and don't worry. Our son has been feeding himself since he was 6 months old (he's two now). His only job is to come to the table and our only job is to offer nutritious foods, and that's the end of it. Some meals he eats a ton and others he eats nothing. His nutritional intake will balance itself out.

I know these are unusual interventions. I can only testify that we use them with mostly success. Of course tantrums still happen.

Best of luck!!!

Dear T.,

I'm sorry you're having this problem. You're right, many moms go through tantrums too.

I can almost guarantee you that Time Out will work if you:
1. Are consistent
2. Hold him away from you saying in a firm voice, "No, no, no" when you take him to his Time Out Crib.
3. Be cheerful when he stops crying in Time Out and then bring him out.

The other part of this is to stay kind and firm.

I know it's hard because it takes being consistent. I've had to remind myself "It takes 18 years to raise a child.

With warm wishes,

J. Tracy, MSS
www.KidsDiscuss.com

I think most people would agree that for a lot of kids, the terrible twos really begin at 18 months!

Give him lots of "choices" in his everyday situations. This will help him feel empowered. Be consistent with your discipline--fits and crying are so annoying, but he will learn soon enough that you aren't going to "reward" him.

Don't show him that you are feeling exasperated. Be very unemotional when you are giving a consequence or redirecting him.

Also, are you two getting out of the house enough? I know you are due in June (I'm two weeks away from my baby #2), so it might not be very comfortable... Perhaps you have some friends or neighbors you can meet up with somewhere and get your little guy out to play-off some of his energy. Our daughter (2 y/o) definitely "senses" change is about to occur and has been what her daycare provider and I refer to as "punky" lately. She's testing limits, making sure we still notice, looking for consistency, etc. Perhaps your little boy is doing the same.

Is your fiancee going to be working long hours when the next baby arrives? If so, you need to come up with a plan so you can be supported with two at home. I can't imagine being home alone all day with two under two! I give you a lot of credit. Make sure you take care of yourself AND get some time to yourself!

PS-We also used the "Happiest Toddler on the Block" method when our little girl was 18 months. We took the DVD out of the library. It does seem silly/foolish--but when they aren't as verbal and don't connect choices to consequences--it totally works! By the time our daughter was two, she didn't need us to use that technique anymore.

Take care.