PLEASE HELP!!! Terrible Twos?!?!

1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 by Thomas W. Phelan helped me when my two were younger. Enjoy it now. This is nothing compared with the teenage years.
D. Wellman
____@____.com

read Dr. Harvey Karp's The Happiest Toddler on the Block. it's a great book and quick read.
good luck

Walk away....as long as he is not harming anything - let him throw his temper on the floor. I realize this is not possible if you are out in public - but at home - if you do not respond to him he will eventually stop acting out like that. I think sometimes these little ones just have to vent - or he may be doing it for attention.

My son recently started this behavior, and when he melts into a puddle of tantrumy mess all over the floor...I just step over him, clear out any toys or objects that are in the way and might hurt him, and let him do his thing. Quite honestly, it's a great way to sneak in a few moments of reading a magazine or flipping through a catalog. I draw absolutely NO attention to it whatsoever. Drawing attention to it can potentially reinforce the behavior ("look, mommy got really mad/angry/upset/frustrated when I did this, so when I need her attention again or want to get my way I'll do it again").

When he has calmed down, I offer my arms for a hug and ask him things like "I know life can be frustrating sometimes" or "Are you feeling better now that you got that out of your system", just acknowledging his frustration (temper tantrums are usually a result of some level of frustration and mostly because they are too young to have 'words' to 'express' their displeasure). We then move on to another activity and it's like it never happened.

I've been consistent with this and very, very quickly the length of the tantrums has subsided. He learns that I'm not going to get all bent out of shape when he gets all bent out of shape, so it's kind of like it isn't worth it to him to go through all that trouble.

Let me start by saying I feel your pain. We're in the same boat. However, it's completely normal and I think 99% of parents go thru the same stage. We've been having our 2½ yr. old son evaluated for various things at Akron Children's Hospital. He's under the care of a specialist there. When we spoke with her about Ben's tantrums, I didn't know what to expect to hear from her. We have an 8 yr. old, so we've been thru it before. Well, luckily he threw a tantrum in his doctor's presence and she got to see what he does and how we try to handle it. She told us to hold him on our lap and hold his arms down, if needed, hold his legs and head down as well, and showed us a "bear hug" type hold to use on him. You sit him on your lap, not facing you. Take one of your arms and wrap it around his body to hold his arms down. With the other arm, you hold his head to your chest, so he can't try to reverse headbutt you. With your leg, you hold his legs down. I know it sounds harsh, but it's not. You're not squeezing the child, or hurting them in any way. It's just to get them to calm down. Our son has an issue with hitting. That's why she suggested this. It enables M. or dad to be in control of the situation and it shows child that you are in charge. You do that until he starts to calm down, it may take a minute or two, or even a little longer. We do this with our son, and it's working. It takes a while, it's not an overnight change. So just hang in there.

Hi Marie!

Hang in there! You are doing everything right!!!! Just keep staying consistent and things will eventually click. He's just testing his boundaries. You may try not taking him out with you when possible to avoid stress on your part. You may also consider putting him in his room for a time-out so you can remove him from the situation - and give yourself a break from the bulk of the noise. Good luck and keep at it!

Be willing to walk away. I have twin boys with autism. When one of my sons went through this, we learned to make sure he would be safe and leave him. When he discovered no one was paying attention to his tantrum, he would calm down (sometimes he would find us and cry again, another story). No matter what, it will pass if you are consistant with your discipline. If it doesn't, then seek help: your local EI program, a good homeopath, or someone trained in ACM.

One of the most effective tips I have ever gotten for working with a toddler (or even an older child with a toddler mentality) is to repeat to them what it is they want before telling them what you want. For instance, if your child doesn't want to eat breakfast because he or she wants to watch cartoons, you say, "I know you don't want to eat breakfast. You do not want to eat breakfast! Right now, though, I want you to eat breakfast then you can watch cartoons." Use the same kind of intense tone your two year old is using when you are repeating their wishes so that they will understand you have absolutely heard them. Once they know they've been heard, they will invariably agree to do what you want.

Maria,

I am not a big fan of most parenting books, but I highly recommend two short, easy to read books by Jerri Wolfe. One is "I'm Two Years Old: Everything Your Two-Year-Old Wants You to Know About Parenting" by Jerri Wolfe and the other is: "I'm Three Years Old". They can both be bought very inexpensively used on Amazon, and the library may have them also. These books show you how 2 & 3 yr olds view the world, and these insights help you parent. We expect our toddlers to be rational beings, but their minds do not work that way!

Hi Maria,
I will put you on my prayer list! You must be exhausted and ready to pull your hair out... If at all possible, get some regular breaks away from your kids. Take a weekly class doing something you enjoy, and if it reduces stress, like yoga (or belly dancing, which I teach), all the better. Also, get someone to babysit who loves them unconditionally (Grandma) or who has a lot of energy, and get out at least once a month for a date with your husband. As far as the behavioral issues go, obviously the little one is learning from the big one, so nip this in the bud soon. Call Riverside Hospital in Columbus at ###-###-#### and ask for the number of the Elizabeth Blackwell Center. Parenting counselors will help you over the phone for free. I have called them many times myself, and they are so professional, understanding, and helpful. It might be worth it to check with your pediatrician too, to rule out anything physical. My daughter had GERD, and after she went on reflux medication her mood and behavior improved drastically. She would also scream for a half hour at a time when she was getting ger 2-year molars. There are homeopathic remedies, such as Calms Forte for Kids and teething tablets by Hylands, that might be helpful. Does he sleep well, and could he have a food sensitivity that might make him cranky? How does he behave at home? If it is only it public that he has this problem, perhaps he gets overstimulated. Try making trips as short as possible and try to notice if he seems hungry or tired or stressed out and get home before the explosion occurs if possible. I started telling my daughter what my expectations were for her behavior ahead of time when we had plans outside the house, and this helped. Good luck and God bless!

Hopefully he will eventually get it, but it will be a long road and might be a rough one.
I am now trying to scare you, but it sounds like optional defiant, or also just a plain STRONG WILLED child.
Don't be afraid to go to a pediatric developmental doctor, they will help a lot!!!!!!!!!!!

It is obvious to me a pat on the butt isnt' helping. You have to convince him that you are serious. Here's a little statement I heard my parents make and found useful as well for when you are at home: "You want to yell and have a fit then here is a reason to yell and have a fit." Down came the pants, three swift, sharp, smacks on the bare behind and into our crib or bedroom with the the following, "When you quit crying, screaming, and having a fit you can come out," and the door was closed. They meant it. I meant it.
I don't think for the one year old that is appropriate yet, but picking them up, putting them in their crib, closing the door and walking away until they stop is.
When out in public, it was a simple, "Okay, that's it." We were packed up, taken home, punished and that was the end of it. We left birthday parties, Christmas gatherings, and stores. It was serious and we knew it. It wasn't just one parent, it was both parents and if dad was home he applied the spanking.
I know it sounds harsh, but if they don't stop now it is going to be harder.

Hi Maria!

You need to change the way you think when you are dealing with this developmental level. Say exactly what you mean, mean exactly what you say, and make it short and direct. You cannot reason with a 2 year old, and if you say "listen" to mean do what I told you, you may get something other than what you want. To a two year old, "listen" means hear. He heard you. Unless you think he needs a hearing test, start telling him to do what you said instead of asking him to listen to what you said, because you really do not want him to just listen, you want him to do it.

Also, avoid telling him what to stop doing. Tell him what you want. When he screams, say "be quiet." When he lays on the ground and kicks, say "keep still" If you want him to eat, say "eat the chicken" We all fall into the trap of saying "stop screaming" "Don't do that" or "quit playing with your food" but this is too much for their development to hear what you said and do that opposite. You will have more success, and so will they, if you tell them what you mean and don't assume that they know things that they don't (how to turn around and do the opposite, or what you really mean by "listen")

Success breeds success, so set him up to do the right thing and let him know how much you like it when he does. It will help!

M.

hi maria,
wow, a one year old and two year old must be tough! it's great that you are staying consistent but the best advice that i can give regarding tantrums is not to punish him for it. this is a normal deveoplmental stage that many children go through. it can be very frustrating being that little and not having the verbal ability to communicate as they would like. i would try to track what may be causing them. make mental notes or write it down when he has his fits. he may be frustrated, tired, hungry, or in need of attention. rather than punishing him, ignore the behavior and let him know that mommy is there for him when he gets control over himself and give him a hug. give him lots of postive attention and feedback when he is being well behaved. punishing has not worked for you thus far and may be contributing to the problem. i would try an entirley different approach. also, i would recommend avoiding spanking even if it is just a light tap. good luck. i know it is incredibly difficult for you. dr. sears has a great book "the discipline book" which you may find helpful.

I would ignore them. Let them sit on the floor and scream for as long as they want. Just keep going about your normal business. They will soon learn that this behavior does not get a response and will quit. Trust me I know it is hard. My kids are 15 months apart and I feel like for a while we were creating a monster of our son because I would pay attention to the screaming because I was so tired from having two that I didn't want to hear it. Once I stopped paying attention to these outbursts, he stopped having them (ok he has one once in a great while still) but definitely not every day and not over every little thing. And our daughter very rarely has a tantrum because I have never paid attention to her if she throws herself on the floor.

Good luck,
C

I felt the same way you did until I read an article about tantrums... the article talked about tantrums and about how they are actually essential to a child's development. Children don't know how to express their feeling/wants/needs and throwing a tantrum helps them deal with that confusion and get over that hurdle. When my son throws a tantrum I just let him, whether it's in public or at home and let him get it over with. The article advised just being present with them during the fit and letting them work through it. I personally don't think that taking things away because your child is throwing a tantrum is helpful. I think you should be consistent and not give them everything they want to avoid tantrums, but I don't think punishing them for their tantrums is helpful.

Maria,
The two's are pretty terrible! But, sometimes our kids are trying to tell us something with thier behavior. When our son was about 1 1/2, his "tantrums" became so unbearable and frequent, that we talked to our pediatrician. She suggested that we have him assessed- which we did- and it was determined that he had Sensory Processing Disorder. We got him into the proper therapies, began some new strategies of our own, and the tantrums mellowed to a manageable level. My point is- be sure to consider that your son's tantrums may his way of trying to tell you that there is something else going on. Check with your pediatrician...and good luck. When my son was goingthrough this, I used to chant to myself "This too shall pass..."

This too shall pass... Been There, Done that! Just keep doing what you're doing stay consistent. They do grow out of it eventually to a point that you can then somewhat reason with them as they comprehend more & more. Some faster than others. But I've found with my daughter almost 3 in Dec. It's a phase and when it's a bad phase it seems like forever, but really it will get better. My daughter had the same issue for several months but now is better. Of course you have a tantrum still, but it's not as often and makes a little more sense and can be dealt with better by me. I reward her for good behavior with stickers that she wears on her shirt, and she's so proud of it. When she starts having bad behavior I take the sticker away and she has to earn another one. That's just one idea. That somewhat is working for my daughter. But find something they really enjoy and like having that's not like candy or something. Something healthy and harmless but that they take pride in to negotiate. All just ideas. Each kid is different and you have to search for what helps individually. I watch my neighbor 2 days a week almost the same age. This doesn't work for her but it does for mine. Hang in there, stay firm & consistent...it will get better.

I know that it can be the hardest thing in the world to do but you have to ignore it. When they behave well be sure and praise them for it to reinforce that behavior so they will want to do it again. If you are in a store you may have to leave and go back later without them letting them know that their inappropriate behavior has led to your decision but do not dwell on the subject. Although I have six children I can only imagine how tough it is with two so close together. Hang in there and stand strong. They really learn quick how to push your buttons to get what they want and it is not easy behavior to change but it CAN be done. Dr. James Dobson has some wonderful books on child rearing that you might find helpful. If you have tried everything and nothing works it may be time to talk to your pediatrician to see what the best course of action would be to take. Good Luck!

Hello Maria. I can feal your pain and frustration; even embarassment :( Tantrums are a normal part of growing for children; up to a certain point. Since your oldest is only 2.5 I would consider having him/her evaluated by Help Me Grow in your County. They preform screenings for children up to four years old (and I believe they are free). I now wish I would have had my now 5yo screened before she was too old for the program. Keep being consistent with what seems to work best with your little ones and don't give in to what they want when they want a toy at the store, ect. I use alot of distraction with my little one when she is having a fit b.c she wants a toy someone else is playing with. Hope that helps

I am a M. of 3 children, the youngest is 8 yrs. She can be a "willful" child, and when she was younger, 2-3 yrs., life was very hard.

I found that by getting down on my knees and being at her eye level, speaking to her in an "inside" voice but firmly, really worked. Once she realized that I was listening to her and trying to understand what it was that she wanted, it was much better.

I have to say that she didn't do this in public. However, I have cared for many kids over the years and helped their parents overcome some obstacles.

One thing for sure, if your child is throwing a fit to get something at a store, that you already said no to, you need to stand your ground and that might mean leaving the store. Sometimes without your groceries, sometimes leaving them in a cart.

Try taking him outside if you are at an indoor public place, or someplace quiet where you can talk to him. If you practice this at home first, you will find that you have no problem picking a spot to calmly talk and listen to him. If he just isn't having any of it, pack him up and take him home.

Sometimes little kids act this way because they just cannot express what it is they are trying to convey to us. And because they get frustrated, they freak out. Turning us into something that we would rather not be at times:) Maybe have a special toy or book that he only gets when you go somewhere public. A little snack and a juice box are great attention getters, if you are not doing that already.

Is he doing this for attention because of the younger child? He might feel jealous and has no clue what that feeling means or what to do with it. Parenting is the hardest thing that we will ever do. Trust me, I have a 27 yr. old and a 17 yr old also.

I think that you and your husband will do just fine. You had no problem asking for help, and that right there shows what great parents you are.

If you would like to ask me any questions or just chat, feel free! I wish you guys the best...

R.

besides the sugar causing problems as another M. suggested I would also add that food colors and other additives can cause behavior problems and allergies even to foods that are healthy for others. My oldest was colicy for months and then started with the meltdowns like you describe--after going on a dairy free diet the difference was like night and day. She slept through the night for the first time in her life and though she still had terrible 2's behavior at times it was not anything like it was while eating dairy. My grandson(her son) is extremely sensitive to food color but not to dairy. When he eats anything with dye in it he turns into a little monster child--and is normally a very well behaved child. My youngest is very sensitive to wheat--and it manifested in behavior as well as runny nose, digestive issues. It is worth a try to do an elimination diet starting with the stuff that no one needs--the artifial food like substances and sugar,then the most common allergies--dairy, wheat(gluten)etc. Good luck!

A friend of mine really highly recommends a book called "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline." I don't know much about it but she said it was a lifesaver.

Sometimes kids act out more when they are not getting enough attention, or when they are not getting enough sleep. I would try to make sure he is getting a good night's sleep (at least 12 hours) and a nap every day. It's amazing how cranky kids can get without sleep. He may fight you on it if he isn't used to the routine. Also, I would try to get him on a schedule during the day, so he knows what to expect. Kids that age throw tantrums sometimes because of disrpuptions in their day. Give him an idea of what's next before it comes, and try to be consistent from week to week. Lastly, if there are places and times where you can let him have a choice, do it--the more independence he thinks he has, the less frustrated he will be. For example, do you want to do to the park this morning, or stay at home and play? What shirt do you want to wear today?

I want to also say, that neither myself or anyone else has all the answers. Some kids just go through rough spots. Give yourself a big pat on the back for being consistent in the discipline. That is SOO hard. Let him know you love him, take a deep breath, and hang in there!

You've done the best thing by asking for advice!
In my experience tantrums happen mostly as an expression of physical needs. I'm a mother of 3, and my two year old throws tantrums when she is very tired or hungry or has had too much sugar. Two year olds have small bellies and so they still need to eat often. They are also extremely sensitive to sugar and the emotional/mental high and low that sugary foods/juices cause are just not worth it. Children at this age also need to be taking 1 long nap a day plus at least 10 hours of sleep at night. Also, tantrums can be caused when we put unrealistic expectations on our children, or when we get involved in a power struggle. When this begins to happen, the best thing to do is to be the adult and draw their attention elsewhere, instead of trying to express total control over them. One of our goals in parenting is not to control our children, but to teach them how to control themselves. This can only happen a little bit at a time. How we can teach them to desire to make good choices for themselves? Lots of positive reinforcement. Catch him being good and praise him for it, and watch his behavior turn around. It will get better!

My son started doing the same thing. As hard as it seems we ignored the behavior and within a week it stopped. Now, he is three and tries to thow a fit like this every now and then, but I ignor it and he realizes he's not getting any attention. Besides just ignoring it put emphasis on good behavior. Even if it's just being good while you are shopping tell him things like"I really like how you acted in the store, or You were so good in there." It might sound cheesy and ignoring your child may sound mean but it really did work for us. I hope this helps

I haven't had this problem so I can't dish out much advice. Have you ever watched SuperNanny or Nanny 911? I watch them once in a while and while my kids are very well behaved (nothing we did, we just got lucky) I can see things that the parents are doing that Nanny points out and I think "oh, I do that or my husband does". Some stuff I don't agree with, but the kids all seem to shape up in a week. Good luck.

I have read a great book that has helped us get through some rough spots with my daughter. This book has changed our lives! The title of it is: "How to talk so kids will listen & Listen so kids will talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I am not sure if this will help directly to your situation, but I thought I'd throw it out there for you, just in case. Good luck! Oh, and the library has several copies, so borrow it, don't buy it! I know you may not have much time to read, but this book is broken into chapters re: specific behaviors. A lot of common sense approaches.

They know that it is getting to you, and they are using it against you. IGNORE IT!!! I did not have this problem with my first 2. The oldest one was such a good baby and toddler that I thought I was M. of the year. My 2nd was still pretty good, but when my 3rd came around...LOOK OUT! He used to try the temper tantrums, and after unsuccessfully trying to prevent them, I started ignoring them. It wasn't long after that he realized they don't work and quit. It isn't easy to listen to them scream for 15min the first few times, but they will get over it. Good Luck!

This is a normal case of battle of the wills. The ages of your children is about where most parents never want to repeat...thus the term terrible twos.

It's important to establish who's boss at this stage. Children develop their personalities and life-long habits in the first 3 years, so it's important to let your children know that you are the parent. If you don't establish your position in their lives now...it will be harder on you as they grow older.

My girls never had tantrums, but I worked in the 1 - 2 year olds in my church (was I crazy?), so I was exposed to a myriad of personality formations :)

Earlier last fall (2007), one little 2 year old boy had an issue with not only screaming, but biting and pinching as well. It was so bad one morning, that I literally held him tight...holding on to his hands and making sure he couldn't bite me. He struggled, but I held on strong. I didn't allow his screaming and squirming to lighten my hold. After about 2 hours, he calmed down and fell asleep.

Today, I am his best friend! Ever since that day, he comes up to me, sits on my lap and has never had a tantrum with me. The funny thing is that he still has tantrums with his mother...but as soon as he sees me, he stops and runs over to me and wants to sit on my lap.

I believe children want to know where the line is...they find security in the person who breaks their will.

I've heard the saying..."if you don't break their will...it will break you"

Hope this helps...

Sounds like he need harsher disapline.Ever just try to ignore it ? Let him have his little fit and don't react.They do it mostly for attention any ways or because their vocabulary isn't wide enough for them to tell you what is wrong.Just be sure there is nothing around he can get hurt on when he does this. If you don't react they usually Quit.
"In the old days a parent would give a child a reason to be crying by busting their little butt for bad behavior", now a days you have to be careful because folks will call childrens services on you. My one sister went through this with her daughter 19 years ago.Poor kid didn't hardly talk so to get attention she would have fits.Grandma stuck her head under cold running water, boy that brought her out of it.Then I took her to speech therapy after we had her ears tested.
He needs redirection . And some soft talking to about why he does it and what he is trying to tell you.You probably gave your folks such problems as well.