17 1/2 Yr Old son...girlfriend Pregant

I was pregnant with my first at 19. My parents were nothing but supportive, disappointed, but noting but supportive. It would have killed me if they ever even brought up the word adoption. I would suggest that you be there for both of them as much as you can. Since you do a home day care, you can watch the baby while they both work to better themselves for the baby. It is far from impossible to be successful and a young parent. (I make a much higher salary than many people I know and am only 27, been married for 6 years and have 3 kids...the youngest is 3). So just because they are doing this young, does not mean they cannot make it. Please do not try to force them to do anything. Be there for them and support them in anyway possible.

Since you do daycare, you could watch the baby while they are at school. Tell them that daycare will be free as along as they do good in school. You could also discuss the birth control shot or IUD with them.

Kicking him out will not make you not become a grandmother. Kicking him out will do nothing but alienate him. He is almost a legal adult (even if not independent). They need all the love and support they can get right now.

It is great that he is willing to step up to take care of his child. I would caution him that he can be there for his child but she should be as well.

I got pregnant when i was 18. Please do not assume that she did this on purpose. Mistakes happen. Women of all ages have "accidents". Please do not continue to talk about adoption. You have mentioned it. They know that it is an option. My daughter will be 15 in dec, i STILL rememeber my parents mentioning adoption. It stings.

I want to let you know that it can work out just fine. My husband and i did not get to go to college. (i had a dorm and was already registered) My husband now has a pretty decent job for a very good company. (i am a SAHM...have been for a few years) I got a nice apartment when i found out i was pregnant. My then boyfriend moved in. We got married. We both worked very hard. We bought a house by 23 ish. We have four beautiful daughters.

It was not easy. It is still not easy. We work our butts off. It is worth it :) We have been together 16 years and are growing closer everyday. I really need you to know that it is not always a sad story. I am sure that you have raised your son well. You can help guide him along the way. They can do this. Don't worry.

I can't imagine the hurt and anger this is causing you. You ask if you should accept it. In my opinion you have to. This genie can not go back in the bottle. What's done is done. Whether you want to be a grandmother or not is a moot point, the baby will be here in 9 months or so. Now it's time to work on plan b. You may choose to give into the anger. What good would this ultimately accomplish? He'd have no support system. Without guidance and support he will definitely end up at dead end jobs. The odds are stacked against them, there is no doubt. But it is possible to set goals and be successful, even with a baby in tow. The road is just a little tougher for them now. I have a cousin who had a baby at 16. She was the "trouble maker" in the family, no one was really surprised. Her mom could not help financially, but helped emotionally. Helped her carve a path. 14 years later she has her masters degree and is living a happy, fulfilled life. She did not stay with her daughter's father, but the father is still actively involved in the daughter's life. Not every scenerio of teen pregnancy ends on the welfare line. Give yourself some time to grieve. Some time to be angry, hurt and disappointed. Then it's time to help your son, remember love is unconditional. GL to you and your family!

Why would you kick him out at a time when he needs you the most? When you get to be a grandmother is not your decision, and it sounds like it's going to happen whether you like it or not.
Also, whether "she really wanted this" or not it does take two to tango and he is just as responsible as she is for the consequences of their actions.
I think right now your son needs your support to be the best parent he can be while still making something of himself, it's not impossible in the situation he's in as long as he has the love and support of his family.

Dear Mary,
I can understand that you are upset, just as I pray that my children will go to college, get good jobs, get married & then have children. I was pregnant at 17 1/2 and had my first child 3 months after turning 18. It was very hard for so many different reasons. I do not regret keeping my child, but I wouldn't wish it on anyone else. What I want to say to you though is do not pass judgment on your son or his girlfriend. Do not take over for them (like so many parents do) that doesn't allow them to grow as parents. Also don't push them away either. He is your child and he needs you. He is almost a legal adult and you must support him in whatever decision he makes - because once he turns 18 you have no more say, and he might not like what you said before. My parents helped me, but never "supported" me financially. Not all "teen moms" or parents end up unhappy or ruin their lives though - it depends on how strong they are, and what you have instilled in them. I was a teen mom... i am now married to the same man (11 years later) have 3 wonderful children, a large home, a great job (in an office not a McD's). Though we aren't rich, and we didn't get to go sew all of our wild oats, we are happy - and that is all you can hope for your son!

I don't understand why one of your first questions is whether or not you should kick your son out. Based on several of the comments in your post it sounds like this is being turned into something being done to you instead of the reality which is a situation your son has gotten himself into. Whether you want to be a grandmother, ready or not, here it comes! I totally understand feeling like this, but you need to put that aside when you're trying to help your son because it's not the bigger issue.

Like some of the other posters, I agree it is not your son's responsiblity to take care of the girlfriend, though I would suggest you talk to her father to ensure everyone is on the same page when dealing with this. Your son as well as the mother, definitely need to continue their educations as far as they possibly can and as far as I'm aware, there's no reason why she would need to find a school for teenage mothers. We are after all in the year 2010. Yes, it will be more difficult and possibly take longer, but that certainly doesn't mean that college can't still be accomplished. If he follows whatever plan he had previously set for himself, he doesn't need to end up in a dead end job, and who's to say whether he will be perfectly happy with his decision to keep both the girl and the baby for his entire life, right?

It's not an ideal situation, but it can be worked with. What he needs is the love, guidance, & moral support of his mother to help him in this most difficult time he's yet encountered.

I understand that this is hard for you, but I would try to be as positive as you can about the situation. Simply because a teenager has a child at a very young age, does not mean they will not go on to be the best parent in the world. Sure there are setbacks, but how you persevere through them is what truly matters. My mother gave birth to me at 17. She was strongly persuaded to either abort me, or give me up for adoption so she could finish high school. She did neither... she accepted her responsibility, and went on to be an amazing mother to me. She did not plan to have a child at such a young age, but she did.

Your son needs your support now more than ever. From your above post, you don't seem very willing to be supportive... especially passing judgment about the girl's adoption, weight, and ambition. Regardless if you want to be a grandmother, you are going to lose your son if you push him away because of this issue. You should not assume she did this on purpose. Accidents happen every single day.

I would come to terms with this if I were you. Yes, it is going to be hard - but you ARE going to be a grandmother. I would offer to help to your son by being willing to watch the baby, so he or she can pursue an education. This doesn't have to be the end of the world, but you seem to act like it is. If you push your son away, you may never be involved in your grandchild's life... you state you don't want to be a grandmother - but I'm sure 10 years down the line, your feelings will be drastically different.

I am the baby in this situation, because this is exactly what happened to my mother. I have absolutely no relationship with my paternal grandmother because she did exactly what you are describing. She has tried to contact me several times throughout my life, expressing her regret. I don't want anything to do with her, because she turned her back on me and my mother - when she needed support the most. I am thankful and proud of my mother for raising me, instead of taking the easy way out - through abortion or adoption. I have gone on to graduate with my Master's in Education, and I have a beautiful child of my own. My child will never meet his great-grandmother... Your actions now can greatly influence your future relationship with your son - that's definitely something to think about.

My son and his girlfriend were 16 & 17 when she got pregnant. We were angry and had the usual talk about what this will do to your life, you know about birth control, etc. He was scared and she was scared and her mom wanted her to get an abortion. She came over every day crying because her mom was browbeating her to have an abortion. We tried to stay out of it because it was her daughter after all,but the girl couldn't face an abortion. We felt we had to step up and told my son and his girlfriend it is her body and both of your lives, if you have this baby it will be our grandchild and we will not turn our back on him or his mother no matter how their relationship ended up. That doesn't mean we were happy about what happened or able to pay their way thru life, just realistic .Yes he did quit school and got a job to help support his son. They both stayed in their parents homes. He worked and I babysat for 2 yrs. so his girlfriend could graduate.He went to night school and got his diploma. Six yrs. later now. My grandson is the light of so many lives and they just had a baby girl. They have beat the odds so far and are still together. They're not well off but they both work hard and support themselves in their own home. They have made themselves into a family. It wasn't easy they had a lot of growing up to do.You can't predict what will happen with your son. Sometimes life doesn't give us the future we want but a future we end up cherishing non the less. It's not about accepting it's already real you can't go back in time. Please remember your not the only one who didn't get what they would choose this baby has no choise either.You wouldn't want him reading that someday about not wanting to be a grandmother. Love your child, love his child your grandchild. Your angry and dissapointed because he let you and himself down. Something all parents of prego teens feel. Most would feel the same way but it is time to let those feelings go. It is what it is. Don't waste anymore time on recriminations and anger about what you can't change. At the end of the day the most important thing is the new life coming. Every child should be born welcome. Despite how you feel now and how unhappy you are I promise you will love this baby. Let go of the anger and welcome him or her with the joy they deserve.

Its happened now you have to either support your son and help him. So he can go to school and become a successful father. You are in daycare so you can help also with that. So this young girl can also go to school and become a successful mom. OR you can kick him out so he can just fail at life With the girl friend. You can face it , your going to be a grandmother. What does it matter that she is heavy set?? I really did not get that comment. And do not just blame the girl, he was there also.

I always thought families pulled together at times like this. I know they are young. They probably will not end up together for life. Dont you want to be able to see this baby? What does her dad think? They are going to need help. If it were my son or daughter, I would help them.

Well... I'm sure you already know it... but unless she miscarries, you're a grandmother. The choice is whether or not to be a good grandmother or a bad one.

To know:

I started college when my son was 2 months old and my husband was already IN college. Between the 2 of us we pulled in 40k in student loans, grants, and scholarships. After all of our education expenses were taken care of, that left us about 12k per year to live off of. My husband also had a part time job that pulled in an extra 12k per year. 24k isn't a LOT a year, but it was more than doable. IN ADDITION to all of that... the University subsidized daycare costs to the tune of up to $650 a month. (Including preschool costs... we sent our son to a WONDERFUL montessori preschool we would never have been able to afford otherwise.) We lived in subsidized "Family Student Housing", we used WIC, and we had a VERY good life. I mean, we weren't jetsetting or anything, but we had a nice home, plenty of food to eat, and we were working on our degrees. Daycare costs were minimal, because I only had to "cover" the times I was in class. My mum also helped watch my son 4 hours a week for school, and one evening per month for a date night. (That later turned into a once a month sleepover at nana's when he got older).

We EVEN got to travel through the university... winning scholarships for quarter's abroad, and going on a couple archeology digs. We had to trade off travel wise (aka my H went one quarter, and I went another) while our son was little, but now that he's older, he gets to come along. ((My husband is also a touring muscian, so there were other times when it was just kiddo and me... but unlike having a military dad, a muscian dad can call all the time, and set their own tour schedule to work out best for their family)).

I look at people with no degree, working dead end jobs paying minimum wage 40+ hours a week, and I'm baffled. I mean, sure if college is for *partying* going with a small child doesn't make sense. But if college is for pursuing your *education* and you can "make" the same amount you would make in the McJob, and only have to be gone 10 hours a week (one can study when the baby is sleeping) instead of 40+... why on EARTH not go to college???

It DOES take about a year to get financial aid arr anged, but if she's still preggers... the two of them have time to file their FAFSAs and start applying for school and getting their ducks in a row so that by the time the baby arrives... they're "professional students". Student loans aren't scary, either for 2 reasons:

1: The interest rate is almost the same as the inflation rate... meaning "free money"

2: The more you have the longer one has to pay them off (My 8k in student loans I pay $100 a month on... my BFF's 150k in student loans she pays $70 a month on... and my H's 60 k in student loans we pay $33 a month on. My hubby's and BFFs loans are being paid over 20 something years, mine in only 5ish) Not only are ANY of those amounts doable, but on the MUCH higher salaries we all get from having our degrees... they are soooooo much easier to pay after graduating, than prior.

Also... Student loans are viewed differently on your credit report than any other kind of loan. While 150k would be an *obscene* amount of debt in any other scenario and would tank your credit, as student loans they better your credit.

I went to a very small high school, and of the 42 girls in my graduating class, 8 finished high school either pregnant, or with at least 1 child. Let me tell you that the ONLY ones whose lives turned out ok were the ones where the grandparents of the baby were supportive of the unplanned pregnancy.

1 of the girls is a nurse, 1 administers allergy tests, 1 was just promoted to the supervisor of an accounting dept for a major gov't office, 1 is now happily married (not to the father) with 4 children and runs an in-home daycare, 1 has been working for a university since shortly after her baby was born...those are the ones whose parents REALLY stepped up and went above and beyond to provide emotional and financial support to them. I am not sure what happened to some of the others after their parents kicked them out. Some of these girls were the kind that I would never have expected to amount to a hill of beans, but you'd be surprised what challenges people can rise to meet when they are encouraged along the way.

I am more concerned about your attitude towards the girl than I am about your son, as I have seen how destructive it can be when a parent blames the girl for "trapping" her son with a baby. Please do your best to be a model of a good, loving and supportive mother. She will need so much encouragement. There is no need to mention her weight or the fact that she is adopted.

They need to meet with their guidance counselors at school so that they can discuss their career options. For the short-term, they will need steady income. Perhaps the girl can look into something like a Medical Assistant program to start, as it provides a fairly decent income (for a HS graduate), and then work towards the nursing goal down the line. I don't know how many weeks along she is, but she will probably need to make arrangements to finish her hs school work at least a few weeks to a month early in order to complete everything before the baby arrives.

Hi M., I can see why you are super stressed over this situation. My 1st reaction to your story is that although your son made a life changing mistake, what a fine young man you have raised to be willing to step up and attempt to take care of his soon to be family. You can dwell on what could of been, but please know that any baby is a blessing, we just sometimes don't realize it until we see their precious little face. You son and his girlfriend have some quick growing up to do and all you can do is stand by and offer guidance and advice, which of course they will listen to none of. I hope you learn to love the girlfriend because she will now be in your life forever. Please take a deep breath, have a stiff drink,lol, and try to maintain peace with them so that your much needed input will be considered. If you go after them guns blazing they will shut you down. Best of Luck :)

Well M., I think the kick him out is out of the question, since you're so worried about his future, and if you kick him out you lower his chances even more, don't you think?
I think you will have to accept it, and encourage him to continue his education, its for his and his son benefit. One thing I would make very clear though is the help with the baby, so that they don't think they'll have free daycare just because you're supportive. (Unless that's what you want)
There are many programs for teenage moms out there, encourage her to find some not only for support but they offer help with school and other things.
What a difficult situation to be in, good Luck!

I want to start by saying that my heart goes out to you and your son and even to his girlfriend. I was myself a high school drop out who got married at 17 and had my first child before I was 18. The most important thing for you to understand is that what you do now can set the tone for your relationship with your son for the rest of his life. My parents were really upset with me, but they did not turn their backs on me either...that said, both of them passed away before I was 21. I was left to depend on my extended family with whom I was fairly estranged from. Too many terrible lectures and people hanging up on me led me to disconnect from my family and then I needed them I felt like I could not reach out.

It is okay that you are angry, I think it is okay that you tell your son this is not what you wanted for him. After you have said your piece, you should work not alienate him further. Be firm where you need to be firm, but always in a loving manner. Pushing him away will only cause him to pull further away it will not, at this point, cause him to suddenly see the error of his ways and comply with your wishes.

Don't get me wrong, please, I would be furious for one of my kids to tell me something like this, but what real options do you have so that you can continue to be a positive influence in your kid's life?

I think...let him know he will have your support as long as he is continuing his education somehow (that is financial help, loving support is non negotiable). Even if he takes a job to support his new family he can take evening classes or online classes. He has to continue on, and you can tell him that he has to for his new child. It is the way of the world we live in...everyone needs a solid education.

As for the girlfriend...try to not think too much about it. Maybe she wanted this, maybe not, you will never know. She is carryig your grandchild whether you want her to be or not, and she will get a say in your level of involvement, so try not to push her away either.

All that said, be strong. Any of us moms would be angry and hurt. We love our kids and we want the best for them...and we have lived enough to know that teen parenting is never "the best". All my thoughts and prayers go with you and your son. Who knows what the future holds, nothing is written in stone. God bless you both.

P.S. I finally got myself straitened out with the loving support of my extended family. I have been married for nine years now with my second husband and we have three great kids in all. I'm back in college and about to have my Associate's Degree. My life was forever changed, but never ruined.

I say accept it and help them as much as you can, but make them be responsible at the same time. I had a friend in college that got pregnant at a very early age. She worked and attended college. I can't remember if her son went to day care also, but I know her mom helped watch him. BUT, her mom never helped just for her to go out and party or do fun things. She would watch him an extra hour if my friend needed to study an extra hour or so with a study group. So, the mom helped out, but only for things that would help her daughter get herself a better life....hope I'm making sense :-)

Good luck!

hello!
i would like to answer from my experience i was 17 when i got pregnant and it was mutual between me and him we were living together and didnt make much money at all...my mom was PISSED when she found out i was pregnant but she soon got over it and she helped me prepare for it...i was still in high school of course an i wasnt doin to well but the second i found out i was pregnant i kicked it into high geer and graduated a semester early my hubby went from workin at mcd for 5 an hour to working at a little store makin 8 an hour but he did what he had to do and he didnt settle my daughter is now 2 1/2 an im 21 he is 22 and we OWN our home and he is now working at the railroad as a conductor and in this little town its one of the best jobs here!!! so have faith in your son and as i can see you want the best for your child and more than likely he will do the same for his child just give him tons of support without any support it just makes the situation worse just pray for the best!!! and trust me as mad as my mom was she is the best grandma ever an the second u see that baby you will never be happier!! good luck

Updated

hello!
i would like to answer from my experience i was 17 when i got pregnant and it was mutual between me and him we were living together and didnt make much money at all...my mom was PISSED when she found out i was pregnant but she soon got over it and she helped me prepare for it...i was still in high school of course an i wasnt doin to well but the second i found out i was pregnant i kicked it into high geer and graduated a semester early my hubby went from workin at mcd for 5 an hour to working at a little store makin 8 an hour but he did what he had to do and he didnt settle my daughter is now 2 1/2 an im 21 he is 22 and we OWN our home and he is now working at the railroad as a conductor and in this little town its one of the best jobs here!!! so have faith in your son and as i can see you want the best for your child and more than likely he will do the same for his child just give him tons of support without any support it just makes the situation worse just pray for the best!!! and trust me as mad as my mom was she is the best grandma ever an the second u see that baby you will never be happier!! good luck

I became pregnant at the age of 17 and in my mind came lots of options, what was I to do at that young age still in high school? It takes a lot of courage for them to tell you about their situation.
Your son's and girlfriends ambitions may change. Especially hers if she wants her child to have better things in life!
Yes it may take a while for them to figure out whats best for them but having both sides of the families support can help them go on to great things.
Pressuring them in to giving the child up for adoption is a lot easier said then done! You have to remember that she to is adopted and that she knows what it feels to be givin up from her parents(may it have been a good reason or not). Please realize that that granbaby is gonna be a part of your family!
My father(my parents are seperated) has never excepted me having a baby and he has only seen my baby once! Believe me, it hurts more knowing you don't have that support from someone that you thought you would.
Don't make life any more harder for them with out your support! Whats done is done and you just have to move on, even if it's one step at a time!
I kept my daughter who is now going to be 5 years old and I have never felt more productive in my life!
My daughter is my world and I work 20x harder to get her what she needs and for myself to finish getting my degree!

Wow, deja vous. Just add 6 years to that one. My son did something like this but he was in the Army at the time. I was not ready to be a grandma. Well life does throw us some huge curve balls. Just before I found out that I was going to be a grandma (2/3 of the way into the pregnancy) I was diagnosed with breast cancer and feeling down. I got a phone call one afternoon from my son advising me that he had not been as truthful as he should have been and that I was going to be a grandmother. Well all the air was blown out of me same as you but I recovered. It took me about a month to get over the news and to adjust. I also went in for my second surgery. As they say things happen for a reason he was the reason I turned my thoughts around and made me see something positive for the future. My goal: to see my grandson grow up, get married and have his own family. I have told him off and on that he was very special to me. Last month at age 13, I explained to grandson why he is so special to me and we both cried.

It is not the end of the world. My son married a beautiful woman (not the birth mother, another long story), has a home and is very happy. In order for him to accomplish all of this he got out of the Army, worked as a tar roofer and then took classes to become a journeyman electrician. Yes it was hard and yes he felt like quitting the course. I told him that the Army was paying for the course and he should continue. Whenever he got down he should look at his son and know that that was the reason he was doing what he was doing by studying so he could earn a living and have a future.

So please do not kick your son to the curb. Help him but treat him like an adult that he is beoming faster and sooner than you planned. Encourage him and her to finish school. If he should stay home with you, get some kind of arrangement about how the education will continue and if you will do childcare while they are in school only.

Don't go preaching what to do as the deed has been done. Yes birth control can fail and we hope that was the possible situation. Remember God does what he wants us to do and we have to learn to live with it in his terms not ours.

I wish you much joy with the baby after all of the dust settles. There are going to be times in everyone's life that they will wish that did not happen but it did and now we must pick ourselves up and move on to a better day. Grandma, you will thaw out in time and come around, just count to 100 and breath. It is not the end of the world.

The other S.

PS I just wishI were closer to my guy than I am so that I could be in his life more.

I suppose your son knows there should be a paternity test at some point. Because if he goes through all this expectation of being a father, there should be proof positive he is in fact the father. It's very possible he is. But if he's not, why should he go through life paying for a child that is not his? Now is the perfect time for him to be brushing up on his birth control knowledge / use.

My first instinct here is that your son sounds like a great young person. He seems to be taking responsibility for his actions here. My second instinct is that you need to try very hard to not tear down this young woman. I am not sure why being adopted is the issue you are concerned about. You seem to be saying that she purposely got pregnant because she want a blood relative? Is she a kind person? Does she love your son? Can you see anything positive in her? I mention this because I think you will need to find these qualities if your family is going to be able to come together and deal with this in a way that will not divide you from each other. Teen pregnancy is devastating and I do not want to dismiss your obvious, realistic distress. I am not sure if there is any ONE thing that you can do, except perhaps give yourself some time to grieve for the future you had envisioned for your son. That is going to be very, very hard. You need to take care of yourself before you take any actual action here.

There are a couple of things here:
1) Do you accept it? Well, that's up to you. The reality is, she's pregantn, he's the father and they're going to try to make it work. You can accept it without agreeing with it.
2) Do you kick him out? Why would you do this? Think about what the fall-out will be. If she's looking to move-in, that's a different conversation. If letting him live at home will allow him to go to school and work at the same time, then set parameters surrounding your role and allow him to stay.
3) You don't want to be a grandmother... ever or yet? My guess is that you are not feeling like you are ready to be a grandmother due to your own age, career and stage in life. It happens. Remember that any consequences you administer should impact your son, not the baby.

I would talk with him when things calm down. Right now you are all highly emotional and volatile. You wouldn't want to say/do something that you can't readily take-back. If you allow him to live at home, you are well within your rights to set up ground rules... you must work to support your child's costs, you must take XX courses to continue your education... outline whether or not the baby can attend your daycare. If so, at what cost? If not, why not. Write it up and sign it. Have a friend or neighbor "witness" it- it will keep you both honest and clear about the expectations.

I agree, this is not something I would want to hear from any of my 3 children but I would never kick my child out over a pregnancy. I would do what I could to support them. I would continue to bring up adoption as an option throughout the pregnancy as it might sound better further along but in the end it is their choice. You can still get an education with a baby. Make sure you continue to stress that they need their education. Make it clear that you are not going to "be the mother" to this baby. They will have to take care of it themselves.
Yes, it was a stupid mistake, but it happened. Being helpful and supportive is the best you can do.
Best of luck to all of you.

What a good son you have to already have the means to say " I am going to do all I can " With that and you...........you will all do just fine.

Be Proud he did not hide it. Be Proud that you can support him and help him with child care. Be Proud that your a team. That is just a blessing.

If you kick him out, you will force him to get those dead end jobs to support himself. I'm not saying that you need to approve of this, but you can accept him and your grandchild, if they choose to kept him/her. If you run a daycare, can you offer them free daycare so that they can continue in school? Is there a high school in your town for pregnant girls/teenage moms? You may tell your son that you will provide daycare as long as he stays in school and gets acceptable grades. Whether the girl "wanted" this baby or not, this is the situation. Let him know how important education is and that that is the best way for him to take care of his child. He is not responsible for taking care of this girl unless they continue their relationship, but hopefully he won't marry her at such a young age, JUST because there is a baby. Let him know that there are many options out there for all of them.

Dear Mary-

I am young myself and cannot imagine my now 2 year old son being in this situation. But I can remember when my cousin's girlfriend got pregnant and we were all fifteen. That baby brought a family together in an amazing way, she has grown into a beautiful and talented young woman and though my cousin and his girlfriend eventually went their separate ways and each is now married to someone else now, it's all been pretty amicable and everyone has gone on to live rich, full lives.

Don't alienate your child by kicking him out or not supporting him. And don't abandon your dreams for him just because of a big hurdle like this. Encourage him and HER all that you can, take the high road and be a source of love and support. Even if you don't want to be a grandmother or take an active role, it's too late for that, YOU ARE a grandmother...there's a baby living inside this girl and it's your grandchild.

Unexpected pregnancy can be a source of tremendous and life changing unexpected joy. Take some time to reflect and breathe and breathe some more and then just be there...all that you possibly can.

Prayers and blessings to all of you!

I am friends with a priest who is 85 and for years he has counciled young parents NOT to get married because of the baby. The cost of a wedding then a divorce is crazy. He has them decide a year or so after the baby is born. just make sure the Fathers name is on the birth certificate.He has them continue their relationship and see if it leads to marriage just like it would have.
They prevent themselves from having tons of legal bills by going slow. the baby is coming no matter what. Don't force a wedding, just for everyone elses judgemental opinions. It takes a stronger person to wait until its right for them than to do what they may not be ready for. Good luck.

First of all...it doesn't matter IF she wanted this. I'm not sure what being heavy set, or not getting good grades has to do with wanting to be being pregnant. Many many teenagers don't have a lot of drive and ambition and they leave high school and find it. I'm not saying she isn't also to blame...but....you need to accept, that he was a consenting individual and caused as much of a problem as she did. HE CHOSE to have unprotected sex, he made a mistake. He needs to take ownership of that and placing the blame on others won't help him. If he wants to keep the baby, there's not much you can do, but support him. Kicking him out will damage your relationship with him and make his life harder. Being a young parent is hard, but it is not the end of his life. He can get grants (for young parents), financial aid, etc. He can go to college and if he really wants to, he will find a way. He should be working as much as possible and saving up money every chance he gets. You might not want to accept it (totally understandable!), but it has happened, and there is no use not accepting it. He will need a lot of emotional support, to handle a baby so young.

Wow. I'm sorry. Every mother-of-a-son's worst nightmare. I guess you can do O. of several things:
1. Kick him out and let him struggle to provide for his new family. Be prepared to have NO relationship with him or your grandchild. Set your expectations for his life low, because without support of family, his opportunities will be further decreased.
2. Help to an extent until they finish school, at least high school. Help with child care and financially with a place to stay until the graduate and can get FT work.
3. Accept this for what it is but don't judge what it may become. True, this is rarely a good thing at 17--for either of them. You don't know for sure that she planned it and pulled the wool over his eyes. It takes two to tango, after all? Many young couples have the commitment and perseverance to rise above an early obstacle like this. Does he? Do they? Your son's life does not need to "be over" and he may or may not be "stuck in a dead end job" to support them. This all depends on him and the girl and how driven and committed they are.
Your questions are: Do I accept this? Do I kick him out?
I think you are still in shock and have not had time to get your arms around this situation just yet.
Give it time and your feelings will become clearer.
Would they agree to meet with someone at a pro-life clinic about their options (as I'm assuming abortion is not an option to them)?
I think you need to encourage them to keep the lines of communication open. With each other and with all parents involved.
Good luck!

Well probably not going to like this but....Whether you like her or think that she has trapped your baby boy, he took part in this just as much as she did. By your tone, there's not much you like about her.
Being a mom of two adopted boys, adoption is a wonderful choice but not an easy one to make. If that decision is based on the acceptance or unacceptance of your affections, I promise that one will come back to bite you.
If he loves her and wants to make this work and if you love him, you will love and accept her too. I'm not saying run through fields of daisies singing about it but accept it. I can imagine your hurt and your surprise. Sorry this has happened.
I think it would be wise for you to sit down alone and really put some thought into just how much you want to be involved with this. Be honest. Although they are very young, they are in a position to make their own decisions. Most of which, you won't care for. Can you set back and bite your tongue about it or interfere and cause maybe a nonrecoverable hurt between you and your son? If they want to make it "work" then they should do it without help. Can you watch that unravel as well?
Either way it stinks.
Sorry again and best regards,
C.

Be as supportive as possible. That really is the only answer. You are going to be a grandmother, like it or not. I don't mean to sound harsh. Have them both move in with you. Tell your son you will keep him, his girlfriend and the baby so long as he goes to school and gets a good education. If she is not smart enough for college, insist that she gets a job. Do not allow either of them to sit around at home. Insist that they pay you rent. If you do not need the help financially, then put the money away for them and give it to them as a gift, once they prove they can do it on their own. It sounds like you are the only one that can give them the good base that they need. If they are meant to be together, then with your help, they will work hard and start a life on their own, even if it takes a couple of years. If they are not meant to be together, you will still have a grandchild and a son that will love you for all of the support that you have given to them. Please, don't turn your back on them. If you do in-home daycare you are not heartless, you are a good person. You are upset right now, and I can't say that I blame you. Just please don't throw them out. Do your best to help and everything will work out in the end. Good luck, everything will work out in the end. Here is advice that my mom use to give me when things were bad, she would say
"Remember everything happens for a reason".

((((HUGS)))) My best friend just went through this. She was told in May, her son graduated first of June and the baby came the next weekend. M. is a senior this year.
Talk to your son about going into the military. It will be a life and not a dead end life for the three of them. He will have some certain responsibilities and she will be taken care of.
He can choose his career and type of job he'd like. She can finish high school while you take care of the baby.
I know it's not the life you envisioned for him but he made his own bed, so to speak, now he must lie in it. So at this point I would help them make sound decisions for the three of them. If you think it won't work out between the two of them then if he is in good standing with the Army/Navy etc he can get custody and she can go about her life with visitation.
He can make it work. You can either be there or not, think of the children, all three of them.
THe military has the GI Bill and that will pay for college for him. He can get selected for officer programs if he works hard and shows he is worthy.
There are programs to help M. finish her education too.
They need you mom. I needed my mom when I got pregnant, she especially needs you.
Prayers for your family.

Well, you can't change the situation, of course. So, it is what it is.

Do not kick him out, that would not help him at all. And do not try to push the girlfriend away. I had a year left in college when I got pregnant, and even though he wasn't going anywhere, my parents tried to convince me that my now husband was planning to leave me. They did awful things that hurt their relationship with my husband. But there was nothing they could do. Here we are more than 5 years later, married with a beautiful daughter.

Whether they get married one day or not, she will always be in his life, as well as the baby. Encourage them both to finish school & even go to college. Maybe the girlfriend could go for a 2 year degree in something at least??

They may need a lot of help from you, but I would do what I could to help out (not necessarily financially) so that your son can go to college & get a good career.

I hope things go well for your family!

My daughter is 20. We have always discussed an unwanted pregnancy. I tell her that a baby is not the worst thing that can happen. I just explain to her that I would be terribly upset with her but I would love and support her! This will be your grandchild and I don't understand why you would want to build a wall between you guys. I think that giving these parents a taste of life would probably be the best bet. If they want to accept the responsibility and make the best of a trying situation then let them go and see what they can do. The drive and ambition may not seem like it is not there for the girl to become a nurse but when she holds that baby and realizes that there is another life depending on her things may happen.

Well you are getting a lot of responses, I haven't read all of them. Of course you would have liked another path for your son, not to be a father at 18, it's just hard to swallow right now. However, maybe some of what you wrote isn't how you will feel in 9 months from now. I'm sure you are feeling too young to be a grandmother, not that you don't ever want to be one. I'm not in your shoes so I'm only making assumptions. I have a 15 year old daughter, 13 year and 4 year old son. One day I want to be a grandmother, just not for 10+ year or more. I think you need to respect your son's decisions, doesn't mean you have to like them. If he ask for your advice give it. I'm taking the moving out part as should you make him man up and provide for his family, not that you are just kicking him out. I would maybe give him a time line. We all know how hard it is being a parent, let along being teenager trying to find a job that can support a family of 3. All I can say is try not to enable the two of them. You can be supportive but they want to be grown, let them be. I watched 16 and pregnant this weekend with my daughter. These kids had no idea how hard it is afterwards. I seen parents enable and others allow them to live with the choices they made. It's not easy at all seeing our kids hurt, but they have to be responsible for their choices. I'd suggest your son and his girlfriend watching that show. I would also have them make a list of reality, how much diapers cost, how much rent will be, food will be, etc, how much do they make now, how much they need, maybe reality will hit more. I truly believe babies are blessings...

I know this is going to sound terrible, but if you think this girl wanted to get pregnant, are you sure the child is your son's? I don't want to cause a family fued, but people do extreme things to get what they want. I would ask your son to consider a DNA test after baby is born. If he is the dad then as disappointed as you are support him, he is trying to be responsible. And as for the future mommy she needs to understand if she wants your help after baby is born she has to go on BC. I'm sorry for the news I see so many young parents and mostly it seems really hard to be responsible for a baby continue and education and live as a family. I wish you all luck.

Accept it. You may not like it but it is what he is choosing and as his mother he needs you more now than ever. Be happy he is healthy, young and willing to accept his responsibilities. Help him through this; do not abandon him for he will always remain close to you and trust you.

Oh my. My heart goes out to you. You did all you could do to raise and support your son. Your job does not end here, but his is just beginning. Do not shun him out, but in fact support him. You do not have to accept this behavior, but you do have to accept that he is your son, and this is going to be your grandbaby whether you want it or not. I think that you should have a family meeting about your feelings. Maybe your son will re-think whats he really wants, but all in all, she can still decide to have this baby with or without him, so keep your cool, cause again, this is your grandbaby. Do you want to have relationship with him/her either way? Then be understanding. I also have a daycare, so I KNOW what you mean. You sound like a great mom, and maybe...just maybe, you are blaming yourself a bit for his ooppsss. DONT!

Wow! You got alot of advice here but mine is simple. It boils down to one to, maybe three questions.

1. Do you want your son and grandchild in your life or do you want to cut them loose?
2. If you want to keep them in your life, are you willing to help or not?
3. If you are willing to help, what are your limits?

I know finding the answers to those questions may not be simple but that's what it boils down to.

I know exactly how you feel; I just went through this nightmare three weeks ago with my youngest as his girlfriend (now ex) miscarried. I'm still in shock and devastated, and at a loss for words (this is very hard on me too!) It is heartbreaking and all you say "Where did I go wrong raising him/her?" Be glad that he told you, as some children will hide it from parents. No matter how much you talk to children about the do and don’ts of sex and birth control, if they do listen sometimes things fail. You have no choice but to accept this-he is your son-and try to support their decisions. THIS WILL NOT BE EASY!!! Do not kick him out, as you have to remember we were young once and ALL MADE MISTAKES- and learned a very valuable lesson from them (I was a teen mom too.)

I hate to say it girlfriend, but whether or not you want to be a grandma is pretty much irrelevant at this point. The thing is, you cannot force them to do anything, they will have to choose on their own. Have you spoken to the adoptive father about it? What does he think or want them to do?

If I were you (with 2 boys this has crossed my mind many times), I would do whatever I could to make sure my son could succeed in whatever he chooses. Even if that means I take them all in an help them get a head start in life. Be it help my son make it through school and raise a baby, babysit the child for them, etc. I would do anything so he wasn't stuck in a dead end job and teaching the next generation to do it all over again.

Now don't get me wrong, YOU CANNOT DO EVERYTHING FOR THEM. You are just giving them time to get a career going while they begin their lives as a new family. You need strict rules of the house, strict rules of financial obligations, and care for the baby.

The HUGE downside to all of this is it is a MAJOR burden on you. Kids never think of that. Maybe here initially you sit with both of them and do a list of all the needs and costs of not only raising a child but living on their own as well. They will see in black and white immediately that they do not have the means to pull it off alone. They may just decide to move forward with an adoption or ask you directly for help. Who knows but you have to help them think this thing through.

The one BIG positive you can take from all this is your son is taking a very noble stance which most boys would not step up to. I am so sorry they have taken such a difficult route, they have no idea what they are in for! I am sure you know that. Aack!!!

Good luck to you.

He made this happen he can do whatever it takes to make it work ultimately this is a consequence to having sex at such a young age didn't think about the future just the pleasureable moment in time...
He will need to get a job & forget about his need's & want's...I would never put a baby up for adoption regardless if it is a teen pregnancy there is options but for me adoption or abortion (life threating will be discussed) isn't one of them..You see what happens with young teens or even adults who have kids & can't afford daycare to work just to turn around & pay a daycare provider to watch there kids to make enough $$$ for diapers milk & few things to eat for that week..(no my kids have never been in daycare never will)He will need someone to talk to his mother would be the best choice so I hope you hang in there you dion't have to accept this now or later but when the time comes you can..All you can do for him now is make sure he is getting ready for your grandchild...

I say to sit down and have a conversation with them about what they're plans are for school, baby and paying for everything. Have them look up the cost to do this. Also ask them to research all of their options and to talk to counselors. Give them two days and meet with them again and ask them if any of their feelings have changed. You may have to step up and mother this girl even though it seems that you dont really like her to well. If you kick him out your only worsening the situation because the baby will come if thats what she wants and you'll be forcing them together and guarenteeing yourself more grandbabies! If they come up with a game plan of going to school or work, tell them you will provide day care for the baby but you will be charging say $25 a week and all the other day care rules will apply, so they may continue on with getting and education. But they will have to get a better form of birthcontorl for when the baby gets here because you will not continue to help them if an accidently surprise happens twice!

What is, is.
Thoughts aside, the girlfriend is pregnant.
They are not married.
He is biologically the Dad.
I guess..the girlfriend can be pregnant only from him? No one else?

They are not married....
On the birth certificate... she can either put his last name as the last name, or put her last name as the baby's last name.
She can put a "Dad" down or not.... on the birth certificate.
Look into this... REALLY...because if she puts his last name on the birth certificate... I believe this makes a difference as far as custody/child support/what she can claim etc. And this affects the legality of everything... and every thing that will arise, once the baby is born....
Or if she puts down only her last name as the baby's last name...

Make sure he makes education a priority... because it WILL affect his ability to earn an income and how much... in the future....

Make sure... you find out any legal issues...

Make sure, you and he... find out any social services programs, that can help them financially, with food, housing etc.
There is also the "WIC" program, which provides food/milk/basics for parents that qualify. He or you, can do a Google search for the WIC program in your area.

Find out, these things and research it, so you/he WILL be informed and prepared, for when time comes. Its all about planning... AHEAD.

What is the girl's parents saying about it?
What are their plans... for her, the baby... etc.?
What is the legal age in your State????
Is she stable?
If she can work...then she must.
Or she will feed off of your Son... and rely on him... for better or for worse...

Are they going to get married? That is a whole other can of worms.... and your son has to think of his future and his responsibilities as a 'Dad" and how to support them etc.... and his future.... as a male income earner....

So many things... so consider.... but make sure, your son, keeps education and improving himself as a priority....

You will be a Grandmother...

i got pregnant at 18 (right before my 19th bday) and maybe its just because my family loves babies, but no one griped me out or said anything hateful to me. i had also completed high school and had been living on my own pretty much since 16. i did move back home, my mom wanted me too. she wanted to be there to help me and the baby. (bio dad was out of picture by 12 weeks). she allowed my new boyfriend to move in(my now husband). he worked from sun up to sun down and helped pay bills, payed for our baby stuff, took me to my appt's that were around 2 hours away. hes awesome! i kept the house clean did laundry and dishes cooked super for everyone packed everyones lunches, and me and my mom baked alot of sweets lol. Anyway raising a baby is stressful enough, but then make a 16yr old do it on their own? without help from the other parent? they both did the deed to make the baby they both need to be there to raise it. the absent parent will miss out on so much of the babies milestones... i hope the best for u guys

I feel for you. My sons are far too young for this to happen, but I do worry about it. Nevertheless, I also feel for the young girl here.

Please don't fall into thinking that she did this on purpose. And try not to look down on this girl. Allow her to surprise you. And don't forget that whatever she did, your son did too. Nobody gets pregnant alone.

Your son wants to make this work, and I imagine that the girl wants to be a good mother too. Your kindness will help. I do not see how kicking him out is useful unless the couple begins to take advantage of you.

I wish you the best.

Aye yi yi! I'm at work now and can't respond in full like I want to, I'm shelving this and will come back to it later. Prayers to you for patience and strength tho right now!!
ADD ON:
Ok, first and foremost you are now a grandmother to be. Your baby is having a baby. You can't go backwards, you can't shame him, you can't make it go away..... so you have to deal with the present. That baby is the present.
I know lots of young people that still work, and put themselves through school while rearing children, they very well may do that.
You cannot predict the future for your son so quit thinking of all the doom and gloom scenarios. You have to shift into overdrive and become a "go to" person for both of those kids right now. If I were you I think I would meet with her dad so that both of you are on the same page as a support system for them.
Your son obviously needs to find a job. I would help him with that. Explain to him if they decide to be bums and let the taxpayers finance their baby that they will have the government controlling everything they do and purchase (welfare loves to have its hands in everything they do). I run a low income housing apartment complex, I have lots of young people here that have kids, they dont get married so she can collect welfare. If he gets a job he'll be paying back all the welfare she received. I would do whatever I could to keep them from getting into the "system" because they are so young it could easily become a lifestyle for them and that would cripple them. Keep their living arrangement the way they are now, him living with you and her living with her dad. Just because she's having a baby does not mean they need to set up housekeeping.... that would be the first biggest mistake! Do not let them try to live above their means. Let her stay living with her dad and let him deal with whatever financials are needed for his daughter. Your boy needs to pay his share for her doc visits and labor and delivery and of course essentials and fair financial support for the baby after its born. He does not have to set up shop with her, that's what will most likely stop him from moving on with his education. Keep him home and let him finish school and business as usual. A notorized agreement for child support should be made. Make it something fair and doable for him so as not to cripple him financially. It's her baby too, he is not the one that must bear the entire financial burden by no means. The state of New York shouldnt have to bear it either.
I hope after talking with her Father you two can keep them out of the welfare system. And I repeat~~ Dont have them move in together if you can help it. They are too young. Love and support them in any way you can tho, don't make them so uncomfortable that they have to find support elsewhere. He is still your responsibility since he's only 17. Maybe they are more mature than you are giving them credit for, tell them to prove it to you by taking care of this themselves and not having the state or you and her dad doing it. Help them set some realistic goals, if they want to move in together at some point in the future they need to work on preparing for that now.
ADD ON: I like Margie's idea about your son joining the military, that would be an excellent move on his part. Both of my sons joined the Army right out of highschool pretty much, now they are both making 6 figure salaries at ages 29 and 30. All of their education was Army financed. Discuss the military with your son...... it's a great option.

What would kicking him out accomplish? It's not going to make everything all better. Only compassion, guidance and love are going to do that. It sounds like you're being VERY hard on her, when it took them both to make this baby - YOUR grandchild. You must accept this, because it's happened.

As for how you all proceed forward with this? It's going to take a village - YOUR village to raise this baby and ensure s/he has everything they need. Whether that means moving them all in to your house, or help them get their own place...I'm not sure what's best for you. I do know that you shouldn't cut them off or push them away or you'll miss out on a whole lotta love in your grandchild.

Well, there is not much you can do other than be there for your son. I am a young mother myself and it is hard but all you can do is try and make it work. I know you feel like everything is ruined at the moment but things will work out for the best. Everything happens for a reason and life finds a way. You and your son will be just fine, just try and keep your head up!
Good luck!
- L.

I was 16, almost 17 when I found out I was pregnant, with my now 13 year old daughter. My parents weren't happy to say the least, but they supported my decision. They were there for me, so I could finish high school, because dropping out was not an option. Things have been hard, and I've learned a lot through the years. I now have a wonderful husband (not my dd father)and a 6 year old son. With my parents support, I feel as though I've made some good decisions about my daughter and I situations. The most important roll you can play in your son's life is to be supportive and understanding, it will be a tough road for them, but knowing he can always turn to his parents, hopefully, you will have a large impact on him choosing the "right" path to travel. Good luck, and remember you get to spoil that baby like crazy!!!! God bless!

I am SO sorry! This is one of the things I fear most about having two boys! There are so many stupid teenage girls out there who get pregnant on purpose -it scares me! Don't kick him out -that's just going to make the situation worse and guarantee he doesn't go further and winds up in dead-end jobs. I would sit him down (and her too) and explain carefully how this is going to work. She can continue to live at home with her father (if he doesn't kick her out) and your son will live with you. Given what you do for a living, I would offer free childcare as a help to them AND because you really will fall in love with the baby once it's here because it will be your grandchild (even though I completely understand you not wanting one now). That frees them both up to continue their educations, graduate and go on to college or some other schooling. I would make it CRYSTAL clear to the girl that the minute she drops out of school or isn't working -the free childcare is finished. Make sure she understands how good she's going to have it by you doing that for them. What does your son want to do? Make sure he enrolls in a local college if his wants include that or trade school (plumbing, some medical work, electrician,etc.). After high school BOTH of them need to be working AND going to school, so make that a condition too. If the girl gets all pissy about any of this or she and your son break up (which is probably going to happen at some point given their ages), make sure your son sues for partial custody so he's still in his child's life. It does take two to tango, and he obviously didn't use a condom, unless he's one of the few where it really broke at just the right time in her cycle.

I know it's difficult to accept, but look long-range. Ultimately, regardless of what happens with the girl/mother, you want a relationship with your son and his child/children AND you want him to be able to support himself and a family -or at least one child.

And just a word about the mother here's comments regarding the girlfriend. I know many accidents happen to teen girls who absolutely do NOT want to get pregnant. However, after teaching in a high school for 4 years and being exposed to a number of pregnant teenagers elsewhere, I am HORRIFIED at how many get pregnant on purpose! The post here is pretty dead-on too -they're usually desperate to make sure they keep their boyfriend forever; often they aren't the prettiest or the most fit girls out there, so they're insecure; they often have issues at home -this girl's mother is dead and they view a baby as something just for them that will love them unconditionally, and finally -many are dumb enough and lazy enough to think that if they have a baby, then they won't really ever have to work or worry with school. It's sad and awful, but this happens far more than I think most folks realize. I hope it's NOT the case with your son and his girlfriend, but you're not nuts to think it.

Hi there, i am 19 and i also let my parents down in that way my parents felt real bad as bad as you are right now but believe what goes thru our minds when this happens makes us feel worst but then after all, all we want is our parents there for us more than any other time and more than anything and well we need support but the kind of support that will support what we decide what we know its the best for us not what our parents want and as i here your son wants to keep this baby and this means he is willing to do anything for this baby and i think you should support them my mom and dad did and believe me it made me feel real good it was a feeling that i couldnt explain amazing be ther for him he needs you :) plus my mom cant live with out her gtrandson and so cant my dad my son now is 2 months and is the most loved baby in the whole family it changes every life that baby will bring joy to and your family believe me good luck no mater what your decision is your son will always love you i can asure u :)

There's no going back now, and your son needs your support. Accept it as best as you can, and help him as much as you can.

Your son needs your support more now than he prob has in a while. Even though you may not like his girlfriend or think she's good enough you need to lay those feelings aside. If your son wants to go to school he still can it's just a matter of drive. A baby isn't the end of the world it's just a new chapter.you can be a great help and savings to them since you do own a daycare. Support your son and his girlfriend through this and let them make their own choices. Don't blame a girl for becoming pregnant because your son is just as responsible. If you treat her badly or talk down on her your son may potentially pull away from you.

I have three grandsons form three teenage daughters it was not easy at first but it easy later I have found youngest daughter Lea is pregnant at 6 years old with a baby boy coming Lea gave birth another boy 7 years old

Big bummer, but it is what it is. Be sure to discuss very soon with your son whether or not her parents are supportive of her. I would think it would be best for her to stay at her house with the baby, newborns can be very stressful for any new parents, even adult married ones, and if this is going to get going the right way, mama's mama had best be ready to help with the new baby on the overnight shift etc. etc.

Do not expect them to fail.They can't go back and change it.It's not an ideal situation but you need to except it.So let them know that you are not happy,yet you will be supportive.A support system is key.And you may be the only support for the Mother.Embrace being a Grandma and make the best of your situation.I think that you should help them but not enable them.So you might babysit but make sure they have passing grades.Or if they get jobs make sure they pay you something.Not because you expect it but because you need to make them responsible for their child.Does that make sense?In other words help and support but don't do!You can all get through this and this may be a bump in the road and make it harder but they can still get degrees with a family support.