Grandmother Seeking Any Advice on Her 15 Yr Granddaugheter

I don't think there's too much you can do about her relationship with her boyfriend. Its understandable that she is overly attached to him and afraid of losing him. I've known many girls that act the same way who had perfectly normal loving childhoods. At that age kids are just learning how to be in a relationship and how to balance other aspects of their life. Just be there for her if she needs someone to talk to. And if they do break up it will be devastating, she will need all the support in the world. Don't belittle the relationship or it will only drive a wedge between you, show respect for her and the guy she is choosing to be with and she will love you for it.

Granny that is a tough one. I know so well because I was the girl at one point crazy over a guy with no direction at a young age. My best advice is to do all you can to help her to see the good in herself, find activities to try and keep her busy so that she will divert some of that attention from the boyfriend. Teach her the value of apperance, Let her know it is very important. She needs self esteem building activities. Apparently she is looking for the void that she must be feeling to be filled this guy.

Not to give her an excuse but it sounds like this is her first real home with people that care about her. She has spent 15 yrs with people that let her do as she pleases and sounds like she has trust issues. How is she with you and grandpa? Is it possible to sit down and talk with her on a regular basis? I have known kids that moved from one house to another over years and they never got to trust any one because it was always "when will we move again". Maybe just getting her to trust you will help get her to trust others. And it is posible that the Dr she sees is not the right one for her if you are not seeing improvement.

As a youth pastor's wife, my suggestion is to love and respect her - this is what she needs. Forcing her away from the boyfriend won't likely work and will cause friction in your relationship. She needs to know you are there for her -- building a foundation of trust and peace and comfort and love. Normally, I would be a stickler on things like this and tell parents to be the parent and take away priveleges and what not until the child was compliant (i.e. not seeing the boyfriend) but it is a special case, in that you have not been her sole caretaker until recently. So, what she needs from you is patience and love and understanding. That's my two cents and I felt very strongly about needing to share it with you.
Good luck!

Dont give up on her. Continue her seeing a doctor. It kills me how so many grandparents are raising their grand kids. You and your husband should be enjoying life but I know its hard to see our children go through these things. I would do the same thing if I had grand kids.

Ah, just read your update.. you are trying to teach your granddaughter how to be in a relationship! I think this is great. so many women judge themselves on how the men in their lives adore them or reject them. Good time to talk about trust, trying to control the person you love and manipulation. Maybe find a book on relationships and talk about what a healthy relationship looks like.

Let he know she has to love and respect herself for others to love and respect her.
Let her know she deserves to be happy, but only she can make herself truly happy.
Let her know life is a list of choices and that is the only true control she will have in her life.

Speak with her about her fears. failure, rejection, whatever they are and let her know most of us that may look like we have it together still work on this everyday.

Is the Doctor a therapist? If it is maybe you need to have a session and figure out a plan on how to treat this relationship with the boyfriend.

She has lived a very hard life with not much structure. You are giving her structure (which she sounds like she has been begging for) now and she is attracted to the boyfriend cause he gives her personal attention.

I do not think there is anything wrong with the relationship, but you do need to let both of them know they need to put school work first. They also need to know that you understand what can happen when we really care about someone and can loose control of the very strong feelings.

Ask the therapist how to approach grand daughter about birth control.
In our home we told our daughter, we felt she was too young for sex and knew that she had huge plans for her future so if she wanted Birth control we would be happy to take her to the doctor and get it. We also told her would be happy to give her condoms also.. Of course she was horrified and said, she "doubted it would be a problem, but would let us know".. Hee, hee.. It freaked her out actually.

Anyway, I always loved how my mother would constantly ask my boyfriends to come over to the house for dinner. She would invite them to family celebrations, to the movies with the family.. I realize now it was so these boys would know that our family was close and a lot was expected from us. They also knew my mother was very aware of teenage feelings and would talk about teen sex (really the consequences), pregnancy, college.. all sorts of things in front of them. They respected her so much that they respected me..

You could certainly do this too. Invite him over for Easter. Have a meal and then play a board game.. It is a perfect time to really get to know each other.

She is fifteen and wants to feel "grown up" its normal for her to want to have a boyfriend, what i have noticed works the best is meeting each other half way. While it is often uncomfortable to have your little girl smitten with a rotten punk of a boy, as most things in life, its going to pass, she will grow out of him and move on to bigger and better things in life. The problem: How to deal with today? Teens like to feel like they have a say in their own life, thats why so many are rebellious against their parents, they are always telling them what to do.
My advise is to talk to her on equal terms as the adult she wants to be and decide together what is and is not acceptable behavior. She may surprise you, by treating her like an adult, you are forcing her to see YOUR side and to understand your concerns. It kind of makes teens stop to think (for me at least) hey i need to prove how mature i am, if i mess this up its proof that i "she" is right and I'M wrong. (Teens DO NOT like to be wrong)

WOW. this truly sounds like you have your hands full. The only advice that I can truly offer is to get her and you guys involved in an awesome church. Find her an amazing youth group that will keep her busy.

What about the boyfriend is scaring you? Have you been able to meet him? Is she acting any different attitude wise since they have been together? 15 is a really hard age.

What a blessing that she has you and your husband in her life! I certainly don't have any experience in this area, but I do know that plenty of grandparents are finding themselves in the same position. Can you locate any others, perhaps through a local social service agency? Can you consider homeschooling the girl? That's really the best way to work on any child's self esteem and help build family relationships, although I imagine it will be really tough no matter what. I think it will be important to have support from other grandparents, from social service agencies, from a church, and from other homeschooling grandparents. May God bless you in this crucial endeavor.

Let me start by congratulating you and your husband to take such responsibility. Your granddaughter is very blessed to have you and your husband in her life. My advice to you will be to seek professional help. Get her a good counselor because she will always have that "void" of her parents not being in her life. She needs guidance from a person that can direct her life. I often find it easier to talk to a friend that my own family. Do some research and I hope you find someone that is really good. Try to get to know her boyfriend. He may be good influence or may not. You will have to be the "judge" of that. Don't give him the cold shoulder because she will be running away from you, and you will have it tougher then.

The best of luck,
Elisa M

From my own experiences, get that girl into some major counseling. It does not matter how much love you or anyone else pours into her it will never be enough. Her parents obviously have forgotten about her and that really messes a kid up no matter how much love and attention the other people in their lives give them. To quote a really old country song, "she is looking for love in all the wrong places." She needs to see a therapist to understand the things that have happened and how to go forward into the future without a lot of emotional baggage. You are going to need to get her into some programs for girls her age...If you go to church, get her involved with volunteer work. Have her volunteer at a shelter for women and children. Make it a requirement, you cannot be Grandma, you must be Mom. A tough Mom if you want to yank this girl back onto the right path. I would limit the amount of time she gets to spend with the boyfriend. My fifteen year old stepdaughter (she lived with us since 3 because her Mom decided she had better things to do) did the same thing with a boy. There was a lot of drama for a long time over this kid. She ended up pregnant....You know the story...I regret not ignoring my now ex-husband and getting her counseling for her "Mother" issues. I am sorry this is so long. I just felt compelled to let you know that you are not alone. I am sorry you are going through this but do not give up on her. The last thing she needs is for you to let her "get her way." Children need boundaries, that is how they know we love them. They may not see it now but when they are older they will be thankful. Keep your chin up and I hope things work out for you. I will pray for you all. cb

You have gotten a lot of good advice. I would also suggest finding a good church home with a very active youth program. Boyfriend can go too. Being around other teens in youth group will be good for her! Or Young Life! They are also a fabulous organization. Boyfriend goes, also.
She needs the positive role models in her life and Young Life leaders are both adults and college kids who have had a rough time themselves.

As a rebel child myself, all I can offer is that this boy is probably a phase. You are smart to keep an eye on her because of her past. One thing I never had was a trusting relationship with an adult I knew I could go to. Sure family members always said that I could go to them but I never believed them because I felt like they expected me to be perfect...for example I text messaged my parents that I was pregnant because I was so afraid to face them, and sure enough they weren't really there for me like I needed someone to be. Take her out and maybe share a wild and crazy story from your past and let her know how happy you were to have someone to go to/how you vowed to never let anyone feel how lost you felt because you had no one and reassure her that you want to be that person for her. Also maybe find a Big Brothers Big Sisters program near you and see if she would want to get involved, a mentor can be even better than a family member.

Like I said I by no means have experienced what you are going through, but I definitely can relate to some of the things she is going through.

So my answer is in response to your update. I think its understandable how a person who has been shuffled around and who's parents are not in the picture would feel frightened of being abandoned. I dated a boy once who grew up in a similar situation. He was shuffled from boarding school to boarding school and when he was at home was taken care of by different nannies. He felt very afraid of abandonment and jealously guarded any relationship to the point of sabotaging it. He has been married and divorced twice and never seemed to be able to hold on to a girlfriend for very long because of these fears. I would continue with the counseling, and also be as open as you can about the feelings going on here. Encourage her to talk, and use the opportunity to tell her how harmful this attitude can be and how her boyfriend might be feeling. Try to do this in a way that doesn't sound like a lecture, but just two "girlfriends" talking about boys.
Good Luck.
K.

you said you have her seeing a doctor. If this is not a psychologist or psychiatrist then I urge you to get her into counseling. Your description in the SO WHAT HAPPENED section is that of a very disturbed girl.

I'd let the boyfriend take care of himself. Her behavior sounds very abusive. If he's emotionally healthy at all,he'll catch on and leave. You cannot protect him. You have your hands full already. Also, I can think of no way that you can influence that relationship. You do need to be prepared when this happens. Another reason to get her involved in counseling.

My goodness is she ever fortunate to have you, not just you, but also Grandpa in her life. What a blessing and stabilizing force you are for her now. How difficult it must be for everyone right now that you get the toughest years without all the prior sweet, loving, growing up and pre-pubescent years to remember. You are a wonderful mensch to take her in and provide what you mention....

Anyhow, please read "Parenting Teens with Love and Logic" The book actually provides the script to use on your teen for all the tough situations: driving, boyfriends, sex, drugs, etc. etc. You can flip right to the relationship section, and read the rest after that. I would use it as a reference and turn to the concern I had that day or moment, practice it and then I felt very prepared to have those complicated, sticky conversations where I felt constantly beaten down. The book helped me think of consequences in a new light.

Then you must continue to give her the same, loving, non-threatening message over and over. Once is never enough.

And don't leave the fertile teens unaccompanied, anytime, anywhere. Make sure you know where they are going, who is going to be there. Make sure they know what you will and will not accept.

My best

I think that having a boyfriend at that age is completely normal. I do remember having and being totally inlove at that age and now that I am so much older I remember that time with a lot of happiness and longing for the buterflies in the stomach and sillyness when I was going to see my boyfriend.... I have to make a remark here and it is that sex was never ever in my head and I would have not done anything at that age... but times and persons are different, if that is what scares you I understand.

You do not mention that the boyfriend is a bad influence or has bad attittude or anything like that. If he is a good boy, you can team up with him in order to get your girl to care for her appearance and even play it with her...... "you don't think that with this dress you would look prettier for .....boyfriend....".... oh, you don't think that doing this will be nice for him?.... wouldn't it be nice that we bake together cookies for ...boy...".

It seem to me that this girl has suffered a lot, not having her parents and staying in a house without structure at a very important time of her time must have given her a feeling of loneliness and not worth it.... of abandonement.... spending time, positive time with her, giving her lost of hugs and kisses whenever and for no reason... compliments.... should help a lot.

Structure, dicipline is important, which you seem to have already done, now try to get closer and be as much as a friend as posible, make her boyfriend thing or whatever for this matter part of or an excuse to share, participate and do things together.

Invite the boyfriend over to the house, to visit her at your house, to have a lemonade to spend some time somewhere you can see how they behave with each other, get to know him..... even if his looks may not be what you would like... he may be a very good boy just with bad taste..... or maybe he is not such a nice boy but if you do not have a chance to observe it you'll never know.

No matter what, do not try to convince your girl to leave him, that will never work..for some reason if the parents say they do not like someone kids will like them even more.... make clear to her that you will be and are there for her when she needs you or wants to talk or share things.

She has already suffered too much, she needs tons of love, firm and tough love some times but tons and tons of love... she needs reassurance that she will not be abandoned yet another time.... she could use lots of "good job" or "oh, that looks so good on you!",..." I would really like for you to come with me to the store I can really use your opinion or input"....

Try the sweet and encouraging approach, you may be surprised for the outcome.

She may not know it, but she is already very lucky since she has YOU in her life, you obviously care and love this little girl and you will find in you everything you need to make a beaufitul relationship and family with your girl.

I really wish you all the luck and I think that you are an incredible person just for taking her in and be really trying your best to raise your grandaughter.

If you are her guardian now... now is the time to seek more than just a "Dr" - you need to find a live in facility for her to go to. Cutting shows deeply troubled issues are buried and you must be her advocate no matter how painful it is or how much she will say she "hates" you when you make her go. She will be grateful later in life that you saved hers. You have the strength to do it. Do not discuss it with her- it is not a decision for her to make. Get all the arrangements made and work with the center to get it done. Basically you will be doing an intervention. You can do this- get her help now- God has put you in a position to care for her - give it all you've got!

Since she's been through so much, letting her know that you love and care for her is a plus. It may take her boyfriend to tell her about her appearance for her to improve in that area. Her grades and attitude have gotten better. Thank God for that. Most girls have boyfriends at her age; so, don't panic. And since she doesn't have any friends, her boyfriend is her everything. When she won't come to you for conversation, he's there. Just make sure when you give her rules, you stick to them, because she will test you. Give her a curfew, chores, tell her to come home after school (if she doesn't have any afterschool activities). Kids like to be told what to do, even though they complain sometimes. She'll thank you later. God bless

On a brighter note, it sounds as if the move to your home has help your Granddaughter. 15 is a tough age, and especially all she has been through. I have a 17 yr old, who at 14 I took to see a Dr. to talk about some things she was going through and she told me she didn't like to go and didn't like to talk to this Dr., because she didn't know her and she wasn't going to open up and tell her stuff (I quit taking her and all is good) . Maybe there is an adult that she knows she would rater talk to that she knows, doesn't have to be Dr., just someone to talk to her and listen.

My daughter was heading the same direction because of the school that she was at. After talking with her grandparents they agreed to pay the costs of her going to a private school for the rest of her High School years. After going there and having to wear uniforms and having to live with their rules she started seeing things in a different way. She got friends and to this day is still in contact with several of them. She is now 32. Hope that this helps, we do live through it. Unless they go to the same school, and they most likely do, have him, over, make a rule that they can see each other but it has to be in your home with someone else there, and never in the bedroom. If this rule is broken then they will not be allowed to see each other, and you will let the school know this also. Be tough this is for her safety and life. Good luck.

I can totally relate. My situation is almost identical as my now almost 17 yr old granddaughter and her 15 yr old brother have lived with my husband and I for 2 1/2 years.. Get her involved with a good church youth group, and church attendance helps even more. Make sure that you are consistent with discipline, punishment, love AND praise. As long as you are providing her food and lodging, she MUST abide by your rules....(CPS rules are alot harder to deal with)...and if for some reason the law ever becomes involved, CPS will be an option, which I am sure you are wanting to avoid. Todays youth will always push to get their way, and they feel the world OWES them, but they really DO want boundries. Learn how to say NO....She may not like you at the moment, but she will learn to RESPECT you when you are consistent. Think back....you have been a teenager and you obviously have raised at least one teenager already......TEENS NEED GUIDANCE.......but the best advise anyone can provide.....PRAY....A LOT......I will be praying with you for all the grandparents out there who are doing their best to raise an ungreatful, but confused generation....who will one day govern our future.

Lots of replies! and I see you've responded already...but my first thought was find a Christian summer camp that she can attend as a camper or serve on staff. Check out Camp Lone Star in La Grange, Texas. Many of the girl in my daughter's cabin came from hard situations and broken homes, but its not specifically for kids like this...they found real hope by participating in the camp.

Hello grandma and grandpa i hope that when you receive my comment both of you are in good health., first of all i want to say bless your hearts. is kind of sad when a child dont have neither one of her parents around to help her out. thank GOD for grandparents...is hard when you accept a 15 years old teenager into your home 6 months ago and dont know mush about what to do, because at that age is so mush per-pressure out there and boyfriend time, the only thing i could tell you is get involve in school and ofter school activities, dont put too mush pressure on her, because you want her to respect and trust you,.....if she got a boyfriend ask her if she could bring him home to meet you, when you meet him just findout about there plan for the future with school and findout about his parents and when can you meet them, if he start acting funny that's a sign of something wrong, that for you to go to the school to talk to the counselor to help you., it may be something inside of her that is hurting and she dont care about herself, so she is looking for love in the wrong direction, please help her...good luck.