My daughter just started high school and cannot handle not getting her way. She will lash out at friends and family creating a big stir when they do not agree with her, do what she wants to or they have a different view on a topic. There are probably two reasons for this and I'm looking for advice on how to adjust her without completely doing a 360 turn in my behavior:
1 - Unfortunately I am realizing now that by not allowing her to fail and saving the day earlier on (i.e. if she forgot something for school, I would leave work to bring it to her) that she can’t seem to handle failure, even small ones as other kids her age.
2 – She wins 90% of all of our debates, so has been raised to feel that she will always get her way. This includes eating what she wants for dinner and going to get the next thing she needs from the store. Not extravagant items, but just that she would feel she needs it now and I would help her fulfill that need.
I recommend the book Have a New Kid by Friday by Kevin Leman. It specifically deals with these issues. I know many families that have been helped by this book. Good luck!
hi L.,
I don't know if I am missing something H., but I think that she is doing what she was allowed to do. It looks to me that she just had not boundaries, she does not have so far, and you let her did and say whatever she wanted. She is a grown up girl, and you have to state your rules and precisely you should take a 360 turn in your position as a parent and she is the one who should change her behavior for good. As you said yourself, she was raised to feel that she will always win. So, in my opinion you should just state the new rules, and practice what many parents, for any reason, are afraid or reluctant to practice with their children or teenagers: consistent discipline. I am a soft mom, I love my children, but there are certain things that I don't negotiate with them: Respect, good manners, and when mom or dad say "no" that means "no" (among others few). In regard to your daughter when you say she eats what she wants to eat, or get her way in "not extravagant items, probably the eating thing you may want to be kind of flexible, but about the other not extravagant items", sometimes those little things became bigger and bigger, and she may allow herself in the future other things a little bit bigger not just things from the store, other little annoying behaviors (being more annoying, disrespectful, talking back,etc) .
From now on, you may want to stop leaving work to bring something to her at school, if she forgot something, she is a grown up girl, and she should be responsible for her things at school, she is in high school, she is 14 years old. She should be held accountable for her mistakes and forgetfulness. She does not need charts or stars, etc... nothing. L., just talk to her, state your new rules and refresh the old ones, and then, remarks consequences she will have if she doesn't follow them. Stick to it. It will be a hard process, but you are the mom and she is the daughter. Don't argue, don't yell, don't fight, she will do whatever to push your buttons and get a fight, and get what she wants because this has worked for her for a long time. Just don't allow this to happen from now on. To fight or argue, it is necessary two people, so, you say "no", or "these are my rules" and leave it there. She did not agree? she did not like it? It is her problem, she will have consequences. Be strong, this is going to be difficult, but you are the parent. Remember that is for her own good. Don't do those things that she should be doing them for herself. Help, encouragement and kindness is OK, we are moms, but she has to learn. Give her the tools to be successful and a good woman in the future, don't give her the things D..
Good luck and stick to a plan!
Alejandra
Ps Don't forget to praise her or reward her each time she behaves as expected..but please, don't exaggerate...(LOL)
Oh my! It is NEVER too late to do the right thing! Start by NEVER debating with your daughter, you are the Mom and what you say goes, no negotiating! Stop being a helicopter Mom. No lunch? No eat! No paper? No grade! If she forgot something, that is not your problem. Tough love is only hard for a little while, she will get it! Stop catering to bad behavior, there is one meal for dinner, take it or leave it! I make one weekly trip to the store, all requests will only be filled on that basis! The hardest part is doing it and sticking with it, but if you can, it will be so worth it, not only will you feel better knowing she can handle disappointments in life, she will be a better person for your hard work. Also, pick up the book, Have A New Kid By Friday by Dr. Kevin Lehman. It is full of practical advice(that actually works) on parenting that you can implemnet right now. One more thing, you are a good Mom, if you weren't, you wouldn't care how she acted and would just be waiting for her 18th birthday to give her the boot! We have five children ranging from 18-7 and these methods have/are working for our family.
14 is such a rough age...and a REALLY tough time to start instilling discipline if you haven't before. you really need to put your foot down L., sorry to say. she is NOT an adult able to make decisions on her own. she IS however, mature enough to understand that you are the mom, and there are reasons we have rules. if you put your foot down there will be WWIII, just prepare for it. but think about the next 4 years of her life, living under your roof...it will only go downhill from here if you don't insist now that she obey the rules and take responsibility. unfortunately it sounds like discipline has been missing, and now you're realizing you haven't done her or you any favors. go to the library, find some books on the subject, watch supernanny, google, "raising teenage girls", those are where i'd start. if you put in the work now not only will it be easier for you in the long run, she will benefit greatly. good luck, i know you can do it if you really want to!
I would sit her down and have a heart to heart with her explaining life does not revolve around her. Next you need to make sure she understands that people will not always agree and quit letting her get her way. If she acts out ground her. plain and simple you need to quit spoiling her. set ground rules and force her to deal with her emotions and to learn that things will not always go her way.
make her earn an allowance to give her a responsibility. Thus if she wants something she has to work for it. She also needs to be disciplined when acts out towards other people. Honestly it sounds like you have let her direct your life instead of you setting boundaries and making sure she understood acceptable behavior. sorry if it sounds rude but thats how it sounds from what you have said.
Ok, I am only 19 myself but my mother used to be like that. I Decided to rebel and get my way or else but she did do a 360 with her attitude and it worked. I don't think, unless she knows your serious, she's going to stop. Have you ever watched like nanny 911? The ladies make the parents be firm. Not mean just serious and mean it. I think thats the only way to go. :/ Hope I help
Good Morning L., I totally Agree with Carrie and Alejandra
You Have to take a Stand and right the things your daughter needs to be accountable for. School work and supplies, homework done responsibly, Respect of Parental Authority. If she like to Argue get her on the Debate Team at School. She will learn quickly her Thinking and idea's are judged by others and she Won't always Come out on Top, like she thinks she has to now.
Think about what she will be like if her Attitude & Behavior continues further into her adult life!
Will she find a husband who is willing to allow her total reign in the relationship or will she find one who is just like her and will but heads forever. What will her children be like? Please if you can't do this on your own with new guide lines and consequences, get counseling.
She is going to need a tougher hand pr-say and you are going to need Shin guards and shoulder pads to tough it through. Do NOT Give in to Her demands. Forgets her books To bad so sad. Live with it. Maybe you'll remember tomorrow to be ready for class. Didn't wash her favorite outfit Same response, your not her maid your her mom. She can learn to be responsible for her clothes etc..
I was a push over mom too but it didn't take our Family counselor to get us all on the right track.
God Bless you and keep you Strong, going to be a rough road your finally starting down.
K. Nana of 5
L.,
I have a 15 year old daughter who was born strong willed so on one hand I do kind of relate to the age and attitude. BUT I AM THE MOM. Period, end of discussion! My daughter is a good girl. Of course she pushes the limits, but she has very close friends that she has had since 6th grade. Her teachers wish they had a whole class of her because she is a "natural leader" a "focused, self-starter" and always compassionate. My MIL has a dozen grandkids and does not hand out compliments freely! She and my FIL always makes a point to compliment us on both of our kids. The only reason I tell you these things is not to say we know what we're doing, trust me parenthood doesn't come with a manual. Or at least I didn't get one! But we pick our battles. Her room is a mess, but respect of yourself and others is a priority.
What bothers me most about your post/question is that you are asking how to "adjust to her" without changing your behavior. I really do not mean to sound so harsh, but L. if you don't change she wont! And so far she knows she is the one in control. I do kind of agree with sitting and talking to her, but it is not a diplomatic discussion. You do the talking and she should be listening. I'm sure it will get worse before it gets better, but for both of you things need to change.
Good Luck and hang in there.
Lori
L. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN! It is not too late, your daughter is old enough to start learning to not get her way and that is the way that the real world is. Life will be so much easier down the road if you nip this in the butt now!
Hi L.,
Please check out www.thetotaltransformation.com. This program is a bit pricey, but it teaches parents how to parent effectively and kids how to take responsibility of their own actions. God bless, ls
Write to me on Facebook, I can tell you there. This site makes you login every ten minutes. My answer is longer than that.
My name is N. Chasteen. It will be worth it- I have raised 3 dausghters, and on 4th! lol Yes they are all strong willed like yours! Hope to hear from you there. =]
