Seeking Advice on Strong Willed Son

Hi C., I have a 10 yr old stepson who comes for various weekends, holidays, etc. I have struggled with disciplining him anyway, because I don't want him to not want to come and visit because of me. Anyway, up until recently he has had a smart mouth and a stinky attitude when he doesn't get what he wants. It's more of a struggle for me, too, because he doesn't live with me all of the time and I haven't raised him. With my 5 yr old daughter, she is very used to me and she knows the rules, but he's used to his mom, who allows some things that I would not. So, long story short, it wasn't until we took a family vacation recently that I was able to connect with him. We really did have a blast and did all kinds of fun things, but he would have a really bad attitude if we were planning to do something he didn't want to do. So, I finally sat him down and explained to him that we are on the trip to have fun and we just wanted him and his sister to have a great time. I basically went through a few of the things that he does that I feel are unacceptable and let him know that it's not fair for me to go through all of the trouble to do things for him if he is going to act ungrateful about it. And, to my surprise, it was like a full 360. I think maybe because he saw that I really did love him and wanted to do things for him and see him happy, he realized that I may just not be his enemy. At home, it may seem like it's "always nagging". Maybe try doing something fun and out of the ordinary and having a brief talk to summarize what you expect from him and that you love him and really are not his enemy. Maybe skating or fishing, or something like that. Sometimes it's hard as parents to get out of the "routine" and do something just plain fun. But it's good for us, the kids, and the family as a whole. Just a thought! :-)

I have one of those too (strong willed son, that is). :) Mine is 7, so not sure if these would apply to you or could be tweaked to apply to you, but they've helped us tremendously. The first is a book called, From Defiance to Cooperation. Very helpful to me to understand my son and create an environment at home where he gets what he needs to be successful. Also a program called Accountable Kids. It is teaching my son to be responsible for himself, and to earn his privileges that he enjoys. It's been great on developing self discipline, delayed gratification, time management, money management... You can look them up online if you do a search. Hang in there and don't give up. He needs you, now more than ever.

While reading your post, I thought we may have the same son...lol. My son is 8 and he is exactly the same, and gets worse depending on who he is hanging around. Time out has never worked, spanking makes him worse, taking things away does not bother him in the least (he could entertain himself for hours with a rock or piece of dust) I never know what to do. Talking to him till I am blue in the face seems to have a slight effect, but he is so strong willed that it takes hours to get it through his head sometimes. I try my best, but it is hard. Good Luck, I am starting to think all boys are like this.

I agree with Donna about the Love and Logic books. I read the one for teenagers, the one for ages 6 and under (got both from the library), and just bought my own copy of the standard any age one on teaching kids responsibility so I could mark it up. I really think Love and Logic will help out a lot. I wish you the best.

I'm running out the door, but just had to send a brief short link for you. www.loveandlogic.com It's perfect for what you need! Absolutely perfect! No nagging, no yelling, and he'll have to own up to his problems. Empathy all the way though!

There are a few books that you'll most likely want to get or CDs. They are actually quite humorous and wonderful! Parenting with Love and logic....probably want to get the teen one. There is another called 'Didn't I tell you to take out the trash!?' ETc.

Anyway, gotta run, but honestly, this will help out so much!

C. I feel for you! I have a 13 year old daughter and a 10 year old son. My daughter is just now beginning to experiment with pushing the rules and limits, but she found out real quick what it would cost her to disobey and make bad decisions, like not doing her chores, ignoring our rules, etc. My son has ADHD and he is much harder to deal with, backtalks, yells, cries, hides things, and has been very naughty lately. He is also realizing there's a price to pay and life is so much sweeter and easier if he behaves as expected. I'm pretty strict but I've had to be all along, as I was a single mom for a while when they were little, and with my son's behavior issues from ADHD, I've had to keep a tight reign on him all along.

Now is the time to pull in the reigns on your son, because this is such a volatile and changing time in his life. Get control now before he gets full-fledged into his teen years as it will be hard to shift gears then.

I have a friend who is an amazing family counselor and author and I'd like to recommend his website, books, and videos. His name is Hal Runkel and his website is http://www.screamfree.com/index.php. His philosophy is a Godsend, he teaches parents how to control their own reactions and emotions and how to stay in charge in a loving and less stressful way. Even if you are not a screamer, this should be required reading and learning for any parent. We all scream sometimes, even if it's on the inside! There was also feature on the Kevin & Taylor morning show (The Fish Atlanta 104.7 FM) yesterday with Dr. Kevin Leman about his latest book, “Have A New Kid by Friday: How To Choose Your Child’s Attitude, Behavior & Character in 5 Days.” It was really good and I'm going to be checking out his book and website at www.HaveANewKidByFriday.com. He was pretty funny and one point I loved was how he said, don't be scared of being extreme for a few minutes to correct behavior you've been fighting for years (or might be if you don't establish control).

I hope this helps! GOOD LUCK!!