Why Don't They Listen to Me???

You are not alone. This morning in my house has been nothing short of miserable. I agree with the recommendation of "1,2,3 Magic" by Dr. Thomas Phelan. My pediatrician recommended it a few years ago for my now five year old and I've recommended it to many people.

BREATHE!!!!!

We've all been there...and sometimes still are! The only thing I can say (in my own failings) is that you have to get control of yourself. Repetition is ONLY good when they don't know or understand. These boys completely understand. Consistency comes with the discipline. If you think it's not harsh enough, then it isn't. Talk directly to their face and watch their reactions.

Alissa, sit down after everyone is in bed and make a list of everything you have to do during the day, and what they do and then start delegating. Keep your tone calm and don't let them get the best of you. (My normal reaction is to go hide and hope the problem goes away but that doesn't help, lol!) The more you seem frustrated, the more they will take advantage. Punish them EVERYTIME, and quickly, and don't worry about being too harsh, just get the job done and as they change you can back off a little.

This is not a boy thing, this is a people thing! God bless you and you always have a place to vent!

M.

Let me suggest a book or two. The BIBLE, SHEPHERDING A CHILD'S HEART by Ted Trip and child rearing literature by Michael and Debi Pearl such as TO TRAIN UP A CHILD AND NO GREATER JOY volumes 1-3. Let me say I do not agree with EVERYTHING the Pearl's say but they DO have a lot of great insight and are very specific. Your children do not respect you to the level that they need to. I'm sure they do respect you to some degree and in many different ways so don't be too hard on yourself here but they do definitely lack a needed respect for you. Get the reigns now before it is to late! Like you said consistency is SO important and punishments being severe enough is also important. The Bible says "Children, honor your father and your mother" It is even the first commandment with promise "that it may go well with you and you may live long in the land the LORD your God has given you".
When your children disobey you they are sinning against God. Save them from this!!! This is about their souls. I pray God will bless you and cause you to seek His face. Your children need you and you will stand before God one day and have to give account for how you raised them. Bless you!!!
K. D

First off, you need to stop and take some time for yourself!! Recharge your batteries so you can handle the day to day stuff and all the extras that get tossed in too. Holidays are coming up fast which also puts added stress on everyone too. Step back from it all and just empty your mind. Easier said than done right?? You need to get your hubby on board as well, he needs to take the kids so you can go get your nails done, hair done, back rub at least once or twice a month!!! You've heard the saying-If momma ain't happy, then no one is happy!!

Now for the kiddos.....1 2 3 Magic!! It's a book and you can do the DVD or seminar with it. But my hubby and I went to one and I started using it on my 8yr old when she came back from her dad's house for the summer. That is normally the time when she is the most dificult cause she gets away with everthing with them. You can even use this method with your 3yd old girl!! But it's when you count to 3 when they argue, whine, beg, plede, etc with you and then they go to their room for 1 min per age. You can double the time as well, take privledges away, etc. It also has a reward system for doing chores, encouraging good behaviour too. It's really very simple to use. The hard part is for you and your hubby to not argue or explain stuff to the kids.

I'll use your 11yr old as an example-you said you were on the computer and he came back to argue with you right. The first sentecne out of his mouth that was arguing or pleading his case would get the count of 1. You would look at him and say, that is 1, nothing more. Then next one gets him 2 and then 3. After you say that's 3, go to your room and take 11 (1 min per age). In which he can go to his room and do what ever he wants (I know, strange concept right!!). When his time is up, you simply go to his room and tell him he may come out now and walk away. That's it, no arguing your case, listening to him argue, no explaining why or what he did was wrong. After enough times, they figure it out. I was really unsure at first with my daughter but it works really well. Especially in the store and she wants me to buy her something. She'll go into that whine mode and I simply look at her and say that it one. Normally by 2 she stops but if she keeps going her time out is walking with one hand on the side of the cart for 8 mins and no talking.

Get at least the book!! Buy it off Amazon or see if your local library has it! It's well worth the read for you and your hubby to help resotre sanity to your house!!

Good luck!
S.

You are not alone my 7 year old if he has consequences when it comes down to disrespecting me by not listening or having an attitude. He loses his favorite toys, goes to bed early or gets a spanking.

As hard as it is, you have to stop them the first time they do it and punish them the first time they do it. Otherwise, they will keep doing what they want until they push your buttons. When you set the discipline, stick to it for the full time period. And tell them they only get off discipline as long as they are listening and don't mess up again. Otherwise, the punishment gets extended a day for each time they don't listen. Maybe since they are so intent on doing what they want and not listening, you should assign cleaning chores. Kids hate to clean as much as they hate to lose their "currency" - phones, computers, games, tv, friends, etc. Assign them chores and have them complete them before they do anything else including eating and drinking. Sounds tough, but it they are hungry or thirsty enough, they will hurry and finish their chore and do it right the first time. It is not easy being a parent. Now let me see if I can follow my own advice....Good Luck!

They don't listen to you because they don't have to listen to you. What is the consequence of disobedience? It must not be something they are really worried about avoiding.

I was really, really struggling with my 3 year old, and these two books helped me get back in charge. The change in our home was fast and dramatic. Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay, and Have a New Kid by Friday by Kevin Lehman. They are quick reads, and easy to start using. You will have to be tough, it will be hard, but your kids will know that you love them and your home will become peaceful.

You are right--you are not alone. I applaud you for reaching out for some advice. You can do this!

Your request isn't ridiculous at all. It can be really super frustrating going through this. The hardest part is keeping your cool when things run afoul, but keeping calm is the best thing you can do, because kids aren't comfortable seeing their parents "lose it."

You have gotten some pretty harsh responses. Hitting a child in the MOUTH?!? "Punish them EVERYTIME, and quickly, and don't worry about being too harsh"? For Pete's sake,
why not? I mean, punishment doesn't seem to be working for you, and NO ONE suggests stepping back and trying something different, just do more of what isn't working?

So, it's tough keeping calm when your kids go bonkers - it's tough for everyone! I like what Kristine S said about trying to model what you want them to do. It sounds like you were out of patience when your 11-year-old came in to talk to you, and it's hard to listen when you're angry, even for adults. But if you want your kids to learn to control their emotions, the best way is if they see *you* keeping your calm and not allowing yourself to get upset.

If you can manage to put aside your emotions and FORCE yourself to remain calm (remember that it's easier for you as an adult to do this than a child), then you can USE that opportunity for constructive conversation. Instead of saying "Not now, go upstairs" when your child comes to you, use that as an opportunity to model good listening.
And yeah, your kid is going to try to explain his side of the story, and probably say things that you disagree with, but... just let him get it all out before interrupting him, even if you think he is dead wrong. You don't have to agree with him, just listen. And when he's done, PROVE to him that you actually were listening (and not just planning what you would say next) by explaining to HIM how HE feels. (Like "It sounds like you are frustrated because you want to X and I won't let you. Is that right?"
(or "your sister doesn't give you a turn, or such and such is unfair.") But ALWAYS say "Is that right?" And make sure *HE* agrees that you *DO* understand. Again, that does NOT mean you agree with him, but it shows you were listening to him and took the time to understand his side.
Eventually he WILL run out of words and then you can ask him some questions that might get him thinking about other people's perspectives.

And once you've listened to him, you can say in all sincerity "OK, I've listened to you, and here's how *I* feel about... <whatever>." I think just opening this door will make a HUGE difference, and the main thing is not to lose your cool and blow up when they first come to you. If you can make it through the first 30 seconds or so, it does get easier.

Try and put yourself in your child's position. I don't know how the inital argument got started, but he was obviously upset when he came to you to talk, and when he got sent away, he was even more upset, and he probably also felt that no one understands him (AND he got punished for talking about it.) I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, just trying to get you to think differently.

There's a great book called "How to Talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk." I like that one a lot better than the "1 2 3 Magic" book, which basically says "Don't get upset, calm count to three to give your child time to SHUT UP OR ELSE!" What a way to shut down communication in the family! But at least they give you a way to avoid screaming at your kid...

And please don't think I'm bashing your parenting skills, what I've suggested is hard, REALLY HARD. Much MUCH harder than smacking a child in the face, or even just sending them to their room. But I hope it will be worth it. Good luck.

Hi Alissa,

Well, in a nutshell, our kids don't listen to us because we're a "negotiating generation." I learned this from one of the best parenting books I've read called "Negotiation Generation: Take Back Your Parental Authority Without Punishment." In this book you learn that just upping the ante with punishment - taking away stuff, sending them to their rooms, yelling, threatening - this actually doesn't work and it only increases the wedge between you and your child. If you want the quick down and dirty of this book and what the author has to say to do instead you should check out my interview with her on my free Blog Talk Radio
Show here:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/nobleMother/2008/11/21/Are-W...

Oh how I wish I could offer you some pearl of wisdom! Your life sounds surprisingly like my own. We have four boys who hang on their father's every word, and seem not to hear (or heed) any of mine. My best guess is that they are with me all day, except for school, so when Daddy gets home, it is a treat to see him. My 11 year old is the exception. He doesn't listen to my husband either. Apparently, he is grown & knows everything. LOL We really do have a wonderful life, but there are days when I am sure that wolves would do a better job raising them than I do.

Know that you are NOT alone. I don't know if it just boys, or children in general, but you certainly have good company in the trenches of parenthood. Wish I had more to offer than just moral support... Good luck with your fabulous family.

I have just finished listening to Kevin Lehman's "How to Make Your Children Mind Without Losing Yours" (it is available in book or on tape-I am in my car a lot and don't have much time to read so I like to listen to books on tape). I have also attended a seminar on Jim Fay & Foster Cline's "Love and Logic" parenting strategies. Both emphasize "reality discipline"-natural consequences to behavior so that the child will begin to associate positive and negative consequences to their behavior, not mom and dad's wrath. Both give practical suggestions for how to handle many situations such as disrespecting or talking back to parents, meal-time struggles, bed-time or morning routine struggles, and how to avoid being "baited" into an argument with your child. One thing Kevin Lehman discussed was that we remind our kids way to much-they need to learn that they need to listen the first time and he gives further explanation on how we can do that.
I have heard good things about the "Magic 123" and "Train Up a Child" that others have recommended but have not had a chance to check them out. Either way, it will take practice to handle things differently and it may take time and patience to have your children learn that the old way is no longer going to work- but it is worth it in the long run!
Good Luck!

I just wanted to throw my 2 cents in here. They will respond the way that they see you responding. If you respond to them by raising your voice and screaming to get their attention (and I'm not saying that I don't do that), but they will do the same. I try and be calm, explain what the logical consequence is and follow through. However, easier said than done.

You set the example of how they react to getting upset. Think about what you do when you are upset with them. Are they immitating you? In no way am I trying to imply that it's your fault, just my observation with my own kids. When I react a certain way, I see them learning to react the same.

Good luck with your boys.

Stop arguing. In the case of your son not going to his room: Ask him to go to his room, count to three and if he doesn't do it punish him. Remember it takes 2 to argue and when you argue with him you are reinforcing that behavior. You have to be ultra calm and master the art of ignoring them. 1,2,3 Magic as recommended by other responses is a very good book and will explain the ideas of counting further. For older kids I do like to add a twist to the 1,2,3 idea though. Don't always use the same punishment. Older kids can reason enough to decide if bad behavior is worth getting punished for. For example, they might think that time out his not that bad so they will keep arguing. If you decide the punishment after they are in trouble they don't know what's coming and therefore can't decide if the punishment is minor enough to continue misbehaving. I started this with my daughter when she started telling me she didn't care if she had to go to her room. Now she doesn't know if she will be sent to her room, lose a toy or privilege, get a spanking, etc. When I start counting she asks what will happen when I get to three and it drives her nuts that I won't tell her.

I have been thinking about you for a couple of days. I know you have gotten a lot of response and it is a lot to think about and take in.

I think that you have not found what works your kids. It all starts with you and your husband. He has to back you up. My husband has ALWAYS told my children that I am the boss. That is it--no discussion. Men do have a different tone of voice and I think that they tolerate less than we do out of our kids.

Mom on the phone or in the bathroom is always a problem for Mom. My mother had that problem. I thought it was because she had three girls--I have three boys and one girl and I have no privacy. They can be at the other end of the house completely engrossed in their own activities and I get on the phone and it is as if I yelled for their attention!

You have to find a form a discipline that works. For you and your hubby and for your kids. And what I mean by that is that your kids hate the punishment and you follow through so completely and immediately that they change their behavior.

Foster Cline and Jim Fay have written many books about changing your child's behavior and how to parent. I think that they are geniuses! The idea that we let children run wild for the first fifteen years of their life and then give them a car and expect them to act with responsibility is a joke. You have to teach children responsibility. You do it with logical consequences to their own actions. If it is cold outside and my five year old forgets to wear a coat and gets cold--next time he will remember his coat. And if he does not get cold--guess what? That is his business! I hate that he got cold and I am so sorry that happened, next time, remember your coat--Mom loves you! You cannot tell if he is cold. Our job as parents is to raise competent adults, you cannot do that by allowing them to treat adults with disrespect and you cannot do it by allowing cell phones, tv, and video games for children who have not earned the right to have these things.

A "program" that works well for us and is thoroughly discussed in the Cline & Fay books, (although it is EXTREMELY hard for me to do--I re-read the books all of the time) is a theory that is generally referred to as 'Love and Logic Parenting'......it lets the consequences fall where they might for the kids and we are just the parents who love them through it. For example, "I hate that you have lost your phone because you were disrespectful. I hope you show respect and get it back!" Yes, you had to take the phone, the punishment is on you, but the consequence is something that was brought on by their own actions.

Give it a try. I have found it to be quite wonderful. I have a couple of high maintenance kids who ALWAYS push the limits just because they can, and I have two that are wise enough to learn from their siblings mistakes! I think this will work for you.
good luck

Love and Logic is a wonderful way to deal with the kids. It's great, no arguing, no yelling...you are able to do this in a calm way to show your kids that you can handle them without a sweat. It's really cool.

Now what I would have done if my 11yo came in to argue the point, I would have sounded like a broken record until he went away..in a nice tone of course..."I love you too much to argue with you." If he tries to talk again. "I love you too much to argue."

The key is more action, less words. The discipline is there and the respect is there. When a parent gets angry and fusses at their child, the child's attention is redirected not to the problem at hand, but to the anger that the parent is showing. Empathy is the key...let the kids own the problem, that way they will become more responsible and be more cooperative in the long run.

Hi, Alissa,
First of all, you are NOT alone! My husband and I are going through the same thing with our boys (so I wonder if my advice will help???!) who are 2.5 and 4 YO. Here's some of what we try to keep in mind. Do not argue with them -- when you say "No dessert until you eat 4 more bites of meatloaf" (and it helps to be specific, because they're always looking for a loophole), and they say "But I've already eaten enough!" respond "We are not discussing this anymore, it is your choice" then talk to hubby or another child or move on in another way. When your son interrupted you, you could have repeated "Not now, I'll talk to you about it when I'm done here" in a calm voice (isn't THAT hard!). It's really diffucult not to be drawn in and to keep your calm when they're pushing your buttons! But that does help, when they realize they're not going to get a rise out of you and they're not going to change your mind. Also keep in mind that GOOD behavior means they respond correctly 60% of the time (I think I read that in the BabyWise books). You'd think they would change their behavior with punishment looming over them, but sometimes they just take the punishment. And that's your job, to teach consequences. If you dole out punishment in a calm manner, your 3 year old will be learning how to behave better too. The yelling is probably what causes aggrevation, and though your boys may dish it out, if you respond calmly, it really helps, even when you're saying "No phone for a week." Sorry this is long, and I hope this helps. Mainly I wanted to say You're not in this alone! Oh, it may be that Dad doesn't take any guff and they know this. Just cut to the chase and try not to let instructions become discussions.
M.

CONSEQUENSES! CONSEQUENSES! CONSEQUENSES!
I have two girls. The 11 yo has "selective" obedience. She listen to what she chooses. We are sticklers when it comes to cold weather. My husband and I were contantly telling her to button her coat and cover her chest and she had the nerve to get upset everytime we told her. Finally I told her an open coat = "no computer" that day. I haven't seen her coat opened since!

I'm constantly telling them to clean their room. Today I told them that they are expected to clean their rooms everyday after school. I'll give them 1 or 2 reminders and if it isn't done, I'm going to wait until they are completely absorbed in tv, computer, phone call then they'll have to stop and clean there rooms and then the tv, phone, computer will be taken away for the rest of the day. They were horrified but I'll bet the rooms will be clean.

I decided that I will not yell anymore. When I see they are arguing, misbehaving, disrespectful something immediatley gets taken away for that day or the following day. It is easier to do it per day because I know I will stick to it where I won't really comit to a week's punishment.

One more example: My 11 yo was in the habit of rolling her eyes and sucking her teeth at me. I told her that I understood that it was now a habit and habits can be hard to break. So I gave her 3 times to break the habit. The 1st day she did it so I told her strike 1! She was soooooooooo upset! But she never got to strike 2 or 3 and to this day she has not rolled her eyes or sucked her teeth. THE PUNISHMENT - She would have to wear her hair in a bun for a month. Loves her hair and wearing it down so this would have been torture for her. Find what they love to do regardless of how little it seems to you find what is important to them and take it away!

It is KEY that you set the rules in advance not randomly punish when "you" are fed up. Sit down with them before bed or after school. Explain what they are doing and why it is unacceptable, what is "expected", then tell them the consequence. VERY EFFECTIVE!