13 Year Old Twin Daughters That Have Become So Judgmental

I think this is very normal for teens to go through this, because they see the popular kids being critical of others. Just keep emphasizing to them that differences are a part of life and that they will need to learn to tolerate people who are different. Maybe as a family, you should get involved in community service together...habitat for humanity, volunteering at a food bank or soup kitchen for the poor, etc. That way, you teach them compassion and caring for others. Also, you need to emphasize to them that it is okay to "hate" a person's actions, but not to "hate" others. Tell them that you want to be close to them, but that their negative talk about others can effect their personal relationships in the long run.

Best of luck,
J.

Hi Cynthia:
This type of behavior is so typical of young teens.They become so competitive. Not necessarily where they should be.(Academically)but with appearance,and socially.It's as though,they gain A certain amount of recognition or popularity by playing favorites,or criticizing others,that just aren't (within that popular group))Speaking as a whole,I think its A bit sad,that more parents don't teach their children how to be more sensitive, compassionate,caring individuals.When I was experiencing this in my teens,my parents sat me down and said:"nobody is perfect J." Even someone you regard as ideal,will admit they have A flaw or two.Someone may be beautiful on the outside,but unattractive on the inside.They may appear homely,but be An extremely beautiful person inside" Their message to me was:"No matter how difficult it may seem sometimes" "Always look for the GOOD in everyone you meet" "There is good in EVERYONE". These days.The media,TV and Movies,all sort of desensitize.We see or hear so much violence,that it doesn't phase,or shock us much any more.I think,if I were still a mother of teens,I'd take the time,to teach them how to be more sensitive to those less fortunate than they.Maybe take them to a hospital,where children undergo chemo.Children who face death everyday,but are grateful,to be given another day,with family.I believe this not merely would help my teens realize how extremely fortunate they are,but it would open up their hearts,bringing better understanding,and hopefully teaching them to be less critical of those less fortunate.Kids love visuals.They observe and absorb much on the TV.Have them watch such movies,as (Mean girls) or The Karate Kid.Movies that depict the kind hearted as the hero,or the winner in the end. I hope this helps a little. I wish you the best.J. M.

Cynthia, it sounds as though your daughters have bought into the "mean girl" mentality. I'm not sure what will help you, but I do know this: it is serious, and you need to address it immediately. Girls who must "rank" other people and criticize everyone are feeling threatened, or diminished in some way. If you have moved recently, that could account for this behavior. If you have been in the same place for awhile, it may just be new classes, or moving from elementary to Jr. High (middle school) which is causing them trauma

But they need to find ways to empathize with other human beings and find common ground with even the "lowliest" of their classmates. Perhaps a good discussion might center around finding things that are "right" with people.... find one thing you like about every person and tell me.... and then if you really want to be critical, start with yourself and find something you need to change or work on.

It is normal at this age to by "hyper-critical" but taking it to the point where people are being made fun of, or ostracized is completely unnacceptable and inhumane.

I was the victim of "mean girl" bullying and I assure you, it was a real low point in my life. Thankfully, I weathered my teems without losing my humanity and that is what you absolutely must remember.... these are almost young adults who are formulating patterns of behaviour which they will take into adulthood. Do you really want to hear about your girls bullying other people? I don't think so.

They desperately need to learn the beauty of acceptance. It will go a long way toward happiness in their lives.

i think it's totally normal, but thats the problem... it shouldn't be. i say nip it. there should be some kind of consequence when you hear them krap talkin. maybe make it an even bigger deal than necessary like, act totally outraged and flabbergasted when you hear them making rude comments about someone. if you perhaps weren't part of the "populars" when you were a kid maybe you could share some of that experience with them, and tell them how it affected some of your formative years etc. i don't know what, but there needs to be a firm talking to and some bootie kickin' going on. good luck.

Welcome to the teenage years. Girls especially are looking to feel good about themselves, and they know no other way than to put others down. I always say the mirror is up, what we find you do not like in others is what we do not like in ourselves. Listen to what they are judging, then in a natural setting, in a real situation, assure them of their own strengths in that category.

If you notice they constantly judge how someone is dressed the next morning comment on their taste in clothes.

If you notice that they talk about someones hair, then the next time they shower or do something with their hair, notice it, give them a real compliment.

If they think they are "better" than someone else, take them for a drive. Show them the street people in your area and the very affluent communities. Discuss that everyone is equal and why.

If they "rank" other kids, ask them about the ranking system and who created it. Ask them to create their own system based on your family morals and values.

Cynthia we are judged every day of our lives. Some of it is positive and some is negative. You have a wonderful teachable moment here. Show your daughters, by example, what you want and what you expect.

And as for checking in with their day, guide the discussion. Ask questions like:

What did you find interesting in Math today?

In science class today, what did you think about?

What thing did you like most about _________ today?

How is ________ (Name of friend)?

Ask them anything that will require a positive answer. Allow onnly uplifting info to be shared. They will take your cue, as subtle as it will be, and they will see how grownups spend their time.

B.
Family Wellness Coach

I am having the same exact problem, except my daughter hates the popular kids. She hates so many people and is so judgmental that we had to actually take her out of school in February! Hopefully she will calm down to begin High school in the fall. Reading your responses is helping me too! Thanks for posting!

There is a lot of great advice from the other moms, and I can only add that it is your duty, as a parent, to tell them to knock it off. Teach them about politeness and the whole "treat others as you would want to be treated" idiom. Your daughters are probably friendly with the populars, or else they would not look so highly on them. If they were picked on by them, they'd probably hate them. Therefore, they are basically trying to get in close with the populars because they already have a leg in.

Let them know that you will not tolerate critical remarks. You can "punish" them by making them write down each critical remark they make, then put a positive next to it. Every time. My mom made me do this when I started talking about certain people. By writing it down, it not only made it real, but it made me look at it and forced me to think about the positives. They will not want to do it, and they will probably "hate" you for it. But truth hurts and they need to see what they're actually saying. In fact, one of the things that my mom did, when I reverted back to similar behaviors is pull out that notebook I wrote in, then inserted my name and forced me to say it out loud. It made me realize how quickly and easily a critical remark can be turned around and how awful it sounds and feels. She always talked with me afterwards so I didn't think she was calling me those things, but it still stung and made me think twice before speaking. It's also forced me to befriend people I'd never thought I would/could, and found them to be some of my best friends.

There's a great book you might want to read:

Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence by Rosalind Wiseman

I agree with those said trying to work on their sense of compassion and empathy. Volunteer work is great for this kind of stuff. Also, just trying to get them to see things from other's point of view.

I'm of the mindset that just because it's "typical" doesn't mean it's okay Remember the "hitting phase" of the toddler years? Typical, but you don't want it to continue. Same with this kind of behavior. I think the fact that you and your husband are aware of it and concerned about it speaks volumes. You're in a great position to help your girls navigate this thorny time with some grace and style.

A.

A.

The book :raising GEEKS (genuine, empowered, enthusiastic kids) addresses this very point. My kids call themselves Geeks and we all have fun with their way of parenting.

i think it is the age. if the campus they are on is just 6th and 7th grade then they are the at the top of the food chain. my little sister was like this and i kept telling her that she shouldnt be soo judgemental and make friend with popular and non popular kids. your daughters may phase out of being like this but there are a few that dont. plus whos to say they will be popular next year. my little sister was popular 8th and 9th grade and when she got to high school she was the outcast... she is in 11th grade and only has like 2 true friends. good luck

Cynthia, if this was not ongoing, I would say that it is a phase. But because it is happening on a regular basis, it needs to be dealt with now. I would suggest role playing. Team with your husband and conjure up a plan to "become your twins" Act out in such a way that they can see the people that they have become. I did this with a friend to help another see how she was destroying a friendship. Unfortunately, we had to hurt her feelings for her to understand, but she actually thanked us afterwads. Because they are teenagers, it may take extreme behavior on your part to get the message across, but it is worth a try. Either way, I wish you luck.

I will be 40 this year and I remember girlfriends changing like that when we went from elementary school K-6 to Jr. high school 7-9.
I didn't understand what was happening and was very sad about it.
I'm not sure what would help. I did like someone's recommendation of role-playing with them and putting them in the 'victim' position.

Good luck
I'll be facing your issue in about 7-10 years!

Hi Cynthia,

I'll keep it short and brief.

The only reason one is critical of others is because one has done something to those one is being critical of. So, if I call do something to girl A, like call her names behind her back or spread rumors, then I have to justify doing it by being critical of girl A because then it would be ok. It's a horrible cycle. So, if you need any more help or more info, send me a message.

Thanks,

M.

Unfortunately, it is normal. I taught middle school for 15 years and saw it in boys and girls. It can be controlled at home. I controlled it in my classroom by not allowing critical remarks. Students had to apologize for unkind remarks ("It was a joke" was not acceptable; it just means that you got caught). Kids get into the habit of being critical. You can help them get out of the habit, at least at home. You might also try asking them to name three good things that happened. Watch your critical remarks as well when talking about others. Work on being more positive as a family. Hang in there!

Aloha Cynthia,

You might want to talk with Lorraine. She's a parent mentor and she's guided me thru some issues with my kids (and even with my mom). Her website is www.lorrainepursell.com but I say call her directly. Her cell is ###-###-####. She also provided some help for a friend of mine that has a "difficult" teenager. What you are describing sounds nothing close to her daughter's behavior and if Lorraine can help with that, I'm sure she's got great tips for you too.

Blessings,
Marie-anne

I think as parents we need to stop saying it's just a phase and kids will be kids. I think we need to start parenting. If it is behavior that we do not want from our children we need to correct it. I have 3 children 21-15-12. I have never seen such mean awful behavior as I am seeing with the children that are in my youngest daughters classmates. The nice/good kids are the one that parents don't accept that kind of behavior and the ones that are difficult and mean are the ones that parents are saying kids will be kids or they said they didn't do it. You are very lucky and I can guess good parents that your girls feel comfortable talking to you about everything and that is your goal to keep comunication open but those are your opportunities to parent. Tell them that doesn't seem right, how would they feel if they were on the bottom, what comes around goes around. Ask them how are they treating people and what your expectation are and how disappoionted you would be if they were acting that way and what actions will be taken if you find out they are doing it.You need to guide then though life and teach them right from wrong. I know many teachers that teach high school (some middle schools too) and say that the kids are having sex in the bathrooms are parents going to be O.K. and say all the kids are doing it and it's just a phase. Best of luck to you and your family. Nobody said parenting was an easy job but if done right it is the best.

My son is in 8th grade & unfortunately, this seems to be the norm. We are continually trying to instill a more positive out look in him. Is it the society that we live in? Good luck & stay positive!
J.

Totally normal. My daughter is 14 and is the same way, to a certain extent, but when she says mean things about others, I tell her to think nicer things and to never be mean to them in person. She doesn't at all, and at school my daughter is a very nice girl and everyone likes her, but around me and her sister, she talks about the others. Actually, she isn't as bad as my younger daughter, who's still in elementary school. She's worse, but when they talk about people, I just try to stress to them that everyone is different and to try not to be so judgmental. Eventually they will grow out of it.

Junior high is a terrible age for girls. Girls are very mean, judgemental, and hard on one another at that age. That being said, it is our job as parents to teach them to be good, caring, and kind people. Don't accept this behavior in them. Talk to them over and over again. It's time for them to get involved helping those less fortunate--possibly kids in a homeless shelter, older people in a nursing home, church activities or something. There is a world that needs them to be kind, caring people and it is your job to help them become those kind of people.

Good advice from other moms. My daughter is not at this age yet but I am a middle school counselor and will add that this is borne out of insecurity.

Kids are at their most insecure at this age... especially when they jump from the 64 kids they know at elementary to hundreds of new ones at Jr. high.. they are desperate to keep their place and no longer feel as strong about who they are. They may have felt secure and confident in elementary school, now they don't which is why you see the change in behavior.

I agree 100% that you need to build up their empathy. This is not natural to young teens- developmentally their minds don't work that way; they are SO self-cenetered. You have to model it, encourage it, demand it almost.

Build their confidence and self-esteem and they won't feel the need to do this. Pay attention to what they criticize in others- these are the very things that they are insecure about within themselves. EG if they are knocking other girls for having bad hair, they probably are insecure about their own bad hair days.

Good luck, they WILL follow your lead. Even when they act like you don't know anything and roll their eyes or pretend to ignore you. :)

Hi Cynthia,
You have some good advice here. From what I remember, those school years were difficult; everyone trying to fit in, determine their "rank", popularity, etc. etc. etc. No one wants to be an outcast, so they try to cast others as just that, so that they themselves will fit in.

I suggest you start focusing on building up your daughters' empathy. How about doing some family volunteering for those less fortunate, like the homeless? That particular segment of our population truly are outcasts. Make it a regular thing and I'm sure you'll see a change in attitude. I think you will find your daughters becoming less judgemental.

From my own experience, the most "loved" and "popular" kids at school were those that were friends with all different types of people and groups at school. The kids who could float from clique to clique and get a long with everyone. Those are the kids that are truly liked -- and admired by all.

Good luck during these most trying of teen years :)

P.S. I would also start clipping out some of the recent headlines around the nation about children who have committed suicide due to them not being able to handle school bullying. This is a VERY SERIOUS and current issue. Give the clippings to your daughters, read them together, and start the conversation. Great launching point. Just google it.

This kind of categorizing is typical of adolescent development. The way they make sense of their place in the world is to put people into groups.

I suggest that you tell them they are very fortunate to have each other to share these thoughts with, but talking about people in this way to others is wrong and destructive. If you hear them gossiping and criticizing in a group, intervene, and let them know that their opportunities to socialize will be limited if their judgment is poor.

Be sure you check yourself and the example you are setting when you speak of others so you are not inadvertently feeding their habit.

Good luck - this will not pass soon.

C.

Junior high is such an awful age, for kids and parents!!!! Yes, this is age related, and yes, the other kids at school behave this way. Ugh! That doesn't mean you have to put up with it! If your family rules have always included speaking politely about others, enforce those rules calmly and consistantly. If you haven't had these rules, it may be time to make some. Let them know that, while they do not have to like everyone, or be everyone's close friend, they DO have to be polite. They'll complain, they'll roll their eyes, but stand firm. "It's not OK to say, 'stupid.' Find a better way to express that thought." You may have to give examples. Instead of, "She is so retarded!" teach them to say, "She did something really silly." Let them know that rudeness will not be tolerated. And don't worry - the jr. high years don't last forever!