A Parent Called My 7 Year Old Daughter Fat at School!!

I can totally relate.....my daughter is 9 and I wouldn't call her fat but I know that if she keeps growing outward instead of taller....she'll get there. She is active with ballet and tap dancing and such. She is self-aware and has been bothered by other peoople's comments. She does not need to go on a diet....she is a kid. I have told some people that it is not appropriate to call her fat.

Chill W.!! I know our first instinct is to defend our kids and try to protect them from emotional pain, but I think you are overreacting. Your info is second hand from the classmate. You don't know what the mom actually said. You are taking the word of a 7 yr old who may have attributed the remark to her mom to be mean and hurtful to your daughter. My mom would never get involved in our kids quarrels. I resented it at the time, but now I'm glad. Remarks from other kids always blew over and we usually ended up friends and I learned to stand up for myself. You clearly have a wonderful daughter who has a solid sense of values and self worth. If you continue to make a huge deal of this she will begin to wonder if the reason is that she really is fat and unattractive. She handled it admirably. Tell her so and be proud and let it go.

M.

Hi W.,
I would just like to comment on how your daughter handled the situation. At a young age she is already an amazing person to have the confidence and knowledge to handle this type of situation. I, like your daughter, was solid as I grew up, and I unfortunately developed a lot quicker than the other girls (I was a D by 6th grade). I wasn’t fat, I was in dance classes and drill team and played softball but I was solid. I got picked on a lot all through out elementary, jr high and as sad as it is even high school (and I was a cheerleader in high school). My mother also told me that I was beautiful and tried to give me that sense of confidence and self worth, but my mother also suffered from eating disorders. I sadly learned more from the disorders than her words and by the 10th grade was starving myself. I am doing much better now and have more confidence in my body image now after having a baby than I have ever had in my life. I feel great about myself and am trying to teach my son, who was blessed with my “thunder thighs”, as they were so nicely called when I was growing up, that he is perfect. The point of my rambling =) is to let you know that I don’t even know your daughter, and I am proud of how she handled this situation and incredibly impressed. High five to her and kudos to you, and your husband for instilling such great confidence and self worth into your children, that is what this world needs in our future leaders! And just remember that because you have taught your daughter to love and accept people no matter what they look like on the outside but for who they are on the inside and that believing in yourself is more important than what others think about you, she will be the one that helps the little kid like me with no confidence brush off the hurtful words and realize how truly beautiful they are, and that will mean the world to that child!
As for the other mom, fighting mean words with mean words does not solve anything. I think it might be best to let the teacher handle the situation with this other mother. And if the other mother sees your daughters confidence and knows that her mean hurtful words did not phase your child, she might, and lets hope, think twice before she opens her mouth again.
Again, your daughter and her strength is truly inspiring!
Take care, and God bless,
H. W.

Wow, W., you are doing a TERRIFIC job! I am so impressed that your daughter has been given the strength to stand up for herself as she did, and that you have already set her on the road to a good, positive body image. Believe it or not, the roots of anorexia can actually begin between ages 7 to 9. Keep up with what you're doing, and you're not likely to see problems down the road. If you ever need good "shock" treatment, though, read "Stick Figure" by Lori Gottlieb with your daughter when she's older (around 11 or 12). You can get it through the library.

Now, as for the other child, I would be very concerned. It is clear that her mother is already feeding her the types of negative comments that can cause a negative self image overall (not just body image). If your school has a counselor, it would be a kindness to the child if you can mention your concerns for her to that person or the administration.

I would be careful about approaching the mom. Many people do not respond well to any kind of criticism, even if it's intended to be constructive and generated from a position of genuine concern.

Good Luck with this!

R.

Your daughter is a wise and confident girl... and mature to have had that reply to that nasty comment. I would be proud of her.
You are doing the right thing. I would have done the same.

My girl is tall too for her age, and bigger than most kids in her class. Not fat, just bigger and solid. She is just 5 years old and is confident and mature as well, and she "knows" when someone is being mean... we always teach her to be her own self and be proud, to always do the right thing and not have to do what all the other kids are doing. She's does, and we are proud of her. She can think on her own, and will even help other kids that are left out or ignored... she will tell the teacher if there is trouble with a child or if another child is being mean. Teaching a child, how to "problem solve" and how to go to a teacher or adult for help is VERY important. For a child to "see" that their parent supports them is invaluable... this teaches them that each person can make a difference in the world....and there are CONSTRUCTIVE ways to go about it, without being "mean." I don't mean "babying" them... I mean teaching them how to navigate themselves in situations that are "yucky" and not pleasant. There will be LOTS of these kinds of situations... but keep teaching your girl positive ways of managing. Which you already seem to do a good job about. We can't be joined at the hip with them....but we can teach them how to be self-reliant and how to stand up for themselves, wisely and properly. Teach a child how to speak out... how to speak up...to not be afraid.

One time, a classmate told my girl "we have blond hair, you don't, you can't play with us..." So, my girl told her "everyone is different and we are the same inside. That wasn't nice to say." Then, my girl turned around and went to play with someone else who was "nicer." My girl was not sad about it.. she knew that girl was mean. It taught her that some kids are just that way. Then my girl said... "she must learn that from her parents...." WHOA! See, youngsters learn very quickly. She was not parroting us...this was her "own" thought about it. How wise our children can be. Encourage these moments...for it will last them a lifetime.

My daughter's teacher did the same thing with the children as your daughter's teacher is doing, after I spoke to her about this child and what she told my girl, the teacher spoke to the children and they did lessons about proper behavior. The teacher also talked to that girl's parents... this girl had caused problems before. The interesting thing is... the teacher said "I can see this girl becoming a bully in the future...it has to be dealt with now." And yes, this girl had picked on other children in the past. Let your teacher deal with handling the Parents of this child...if it continues, then speak to your Teacher again, and see how it can be dealt with.

Teaching our girls how to be inwardly confident is an ongoing lesson... do it now, so that in the pre-teen and teen years they will not "need" to go looking for external validation all the time in other friends, or in boys to satisfy their lack of self etc. Sure they have phases we can't avoid...but we can teach them. That is what a Parent is. A child, no matter how old, must know and learn that their Parent will always be there for them, for love and support no matter what...and not judge them. If they know they can tell us anything, and communicate with us, and trust us too... you will engender a close relationship and nurturing. This is what was taught to me... and I teach to my children. Appearance is something girls will always fiddle with...like grown women....but it's how we feel about ourselves and what role model a child sees. Your girl seems to have a good sense of self, keep nurturing that.

Take care and good luck,
~Susan
www.cafepress.com/littlegoogoo

So not cool, that is just not acceptable at all. And yes it may be 2nd hand but some parents tell their kids some messed up stuff so you do never know for sure which is why it needs to be addressed because that is not approiate if the parent did say that.

I would say something to the principal about it and ask what you should do because that is not acceptable!

Tell your daughter I said go girl and you are doing a great job.

Dont approach the parent, unless you know them. That is looking for a fight speak with the teacher at the least if not the principal. Then speak with them, maybe in a meeting.

Your not over reacting either. Weight is a big problem with girls, and for a parent to possibly be teaching their kid this stuff could lead to major issues. I personally dealt with bilemia & anorexia in my teens and as an adult its hard, but I got it from people who said I was too fat and no one did anything about it.

Dear W.,

I think you taught your daughter well, she said it beautifully, she only cares what God thinks and as far as I know he only cares that your a good human being and a good christian!! I also think that your daughter will be fine, my daughter who is now 16, use to be "solid" and lost it as soon as she got to Middle School when she had to do PE and as soon as she hit High School, well let say she watches what she eats cause "boys" are watching!! But still she is a size 9 and she is about 5'3 so she is not exactly skinny minnie but she is very comfortable with herself!! Your daughter sounds confident at 7 and your doing a good job, I work with elementary kids all day long and some parents just don't have any common sense!! You'll never be able to stop people from saying mean and ugly things (and in elementary the kids can be so cruel) what you can do is let your daughter know how special she is and when you say it often enough, it will stick!! You have nothing to worry about!! Good Luck!! V.

It breaks my heart when I hear stories like this. I love your daughter's answer but deep inside it probably hurt her. Our society is really screwed up when it comes to the exterior. We put so much emphasis on that rather than what's inside like character. I would just focus on her positive strengths and encourage her. I think it's good that you're aware that body image is so important and how it affects girls and sometimes does encourage eating disorders. Which school does she go to? There are some school libraries that have my book. It's a book that I wrote for my grandchildren originally about a character called P.T. short for possibility thinker which is about encouraging kids to believe the truth about themselves which is that they were each created by God with their own unique and special gifts and talents. P.T.'s Big Surprise is a book about finding friendship in unlikely places, kindness and accepting each other just as we are. I'm not sharing this with you as an advertisement but you can show your daughter my website www.ptthinker.com and look at some of the heart messages to remind her that she is special, unique and ther's no one else just like her. Look under the encouragement heart messages. One that might be encouraging to her would be, "Celebrate You, You're Worth it!" You can see parts of the book on the site. Email me and I'll see if there's anything I can do for her.

Hi W.,
Someone called my son fat and he stopped eating and dropped 5 pounds. He is still very wary at the dinner table and all four of my kids are beanpoles. None of them have ever been fat. Words hurt and go deep and stay with you. It takes 1 unkind remark and about 15 kind remarks to even begin to balance out the unkind word in our brains and then it is still always there. Continue building up your daughter. You and God are her cheer leaders in life. My dad is my cheer leader that is always encouraging me and I am 44.Phillipians 4:13 says I can do all things through Christ who strenthens me. So rely on Jesus to carry her through this. Have her and you start praying for this verbally unkind lady and watch God change her. Also it is o.k. to let her know that her words are being hurtful. She may be clueless and need some input from someone else so she doesn't verbally hurt others. D.

Well, I wouldn't approach the parent. She is probably nuts!And to be honest, you don't know if she really said it, the little brat could be lying/exxagerating. I know when asking about kids in my daughters class, I'll say "the blonde one who's really tall" or "the girl who looks like she could be Mexican, but has blue eyes" or "the boy whos a bit bigger then the others". I would hate to think my kid went and said "My M. says you are REALLY BIG!" I think what you've done so far is great, and by focusing any more on it, you are telling your daughter that it got to you, and so should effect her as well. Let it go, and she will follow.

Your daughter is awesome! What a great response! It really does show that she has a good sense of self-confidence to speak up for herself like that. It's great that you talked to the teacher about the situation and that the teacher is going to include some stories about acceptance of others in her lesson plan. I wouldn't confront the other mom because it sounds like she's not that great of a person and why invite that kind of conflict and drama into your life. The best thing you can do is teach your daughter not to be judgmental herself and that sometimes adults say and do things that are not smart. (I wouldn't be surprised if this mom didn't have body image or eating disorder issues herself.) The better your daughter is at being a critical thinker and the less reliant she is on other people's opinions about herself, the better.

Good morning W.,

We are dealing with a similar situation in my daughter's first grade class room. One of her little friends was told by another student that she was going to become diabetic and my own daughter is picked at a LOT for the most trivial of things.

It sounds as though you are doing exactly what this other parent and I are doing - building up the confidence of our own children because we have absolutely no control over anyone else or what goes on in there homes.

We don't call names, we don't tell them that the aggressors are mean, rude or anything else. We simply tell our girls that they are perfect for who they are, as well as reaffirming the same ideas for every child in the class. I feel that it is important to promote individuality and compassion. The world would be a dull place indeed if everyone looked/acted/spoke the same way.

This seems like a ridiculous age to have to deal with some of these issues. Things have really changed since my 14 year old was in elementary school but we have to learn to roll with it, there are still many years ahead of us to grow and learn. I hope you and your daughter have a wonderful day.

The first thing to remember is that you don't even know if this allegation is true. You do not know whether this mom ever made such a comment about your daughter. Possibly she did, because of what the teacher had to say, but you really don't know. You need to minimize the situation instead of maximizing it. Drop it. Leave it. It is over and done with. You are the one who is still thinking about it. You told the teacher, so be done with it. Do not approach this other mom. Your daughter's response was all that was needed, and it was perfect.

Relax. You are doing the right thing. Your daughter is strong. We aren't built the same. The other mother has a problem, but you won't be able to fix it by talking to her. Maybe she needs a friend and doesn't know how to be one.
M., mother of 4, ages 15-22.

I have 4 kids. Two have had people tell them that they're too fat, and the other two are frequently told that they're too skinny. It makes me just as crazy to hear, "Don't let him wear shorts with those spindly little legs sticking out!" and, "Don't you ever eat?" as it does to hear comments about fat.

I've always told my kids that human beings are not created with cookie cutters. We will not look the same! It;'s a hard thing for even adults to wrap their heads around, so it's a lifelong process. It sounds like your daughter is well ahead of most everyone else if her criteria is what God thinks! Good for her.

Just let your kids know that if they're healthy, clean and honest, that's all they need.

You know they say you only need one person to love you, to be a happy person. Seems to me you are doing just that. Don't dwell on it and neither will she. Be happy and proud you have taught her to handle it kindly. Later in life she will have to learn how to deal with ugly people.
I think one of my favorite lines was... when some one say you were fat, I would say you are ugly but I can go on a diet.
I know thats mean. Bu then my mom would always say...two wrongs don't make a right.
Your doing a good job
N.

W.,
First of all I am sorry that happend. There will sadly always be people like that who can always find something negative to say. Unfortunately confronting them will do no good, apparently it has already been tried by the teacher. I doubt she will ever change and she is raising her children to be the same way.
Be proud of your daughter and the way you have raised her. It sounds as if you have done everything right and have a very bright and self confident little girl!

We're going thru the same thing here. My daughter just turned 11 2 weeks ago and she is having to deal with the 'fat' comments daily. She has the lead in the big 5th grade play at school and a 'friend' told her that her leading guy said that he did not want to do the show with her because she's fat! She is devastated!!! (of course, he denied saying it) Oddly enough, they just had their height and weight recorded at school yesterday and she falls in the 75% for height and 55% for weight. She is solid but not fat. She is highly gifted, plays softball, swims, and her passion is musical theatre so, when doing a show, whe taps 2-3 hours a day, more on weekends. It's futile to speak with the moms of these 'meanies' because most of the moms here feel the same as their kids. (Most of these kids are very thin and eat a LOT of lettuce) Most of the moms are so judgmental, so what can we expect from their offspring? (Of course, they've all had liposuction, collagen, Botox,breast implants, work with a personal trainer, and do Pilates 3 times a week...) I put my energy into helping my daughter realize that it is not her problem. We are all about healthy choices here, whether it's physical, mental, or emotional. I want to empower her to feel good about herself. It's very hard to see your daughter hurting, but put your focus into her well-being. Point out to her that most of the famous people who our daughters look up to are not severely thin. Hilary Duff, Mariah Carey, the American Idol girls, Vanessa Ann Hutchins, Ashley Tisdale, even Miley Cyrus...none of them are necessarily rail-thin. It's about being healthy. I refuse to spar with narrow-minded parents when I can put that energy into helping my daughter. I'll be curious to see where they all are in 10 years.

Dear W.,

I can understand why you are so upset - nothing is more painful to a parent, then to see their children hurting. My heart goes out to you.

You can take comfort, though, in the fact that you have a mature, level-headed daughter. What a wonderful example you & your husand must be setting for her to handle that situation so well!! And I'm sure that God was looking down & smiling at her response, as well. :) It is our hearts & character that God looks at - your daughter sounds absolutely BEAUTIFUL to me.

I think you handled the situation perfectly, and don't need to take it any further. The teacher will be talking with the other child's parent(s), and addressing it in the classroom.
Confronting someone with that kind of attitude & ignorance won't accomplish anything.

If you really want to do something directly regarding this parent, pray for their family. Ask God to forgive them & show them a better way. God loves it when we turn to Him when we are in conflict instead of trying to handle it ourselves.

Blessing to you and your family, W.!

Wow, your daughter is wise beyond her years and sounds very, very secure - that means you've done a great job. I suggest you don't even bother with the Mom (even though, like me, you probably want to confront her) - ignorance and insecurity seems to run in her family and NOTHING you say will change that. Let the teacher handle her. You just need to praise your lovely daughter for her excellent response and, as you suggested, let her know that even adults are sometimes wrong. She sounds like a winner - I wouldn't worry too much about her. Best of luck.

W.,

My first response is tell me her name and I'll give her a call, but I don't think that's going to help. Whether you confront the other mother or not is in my mind secondary. This is a great opportunity to help your child (children) learn how to cope with tough situations. We need to teach our kids how to cope in a healthy way so that they don't use food or drugs as a fallback. Get creative. Have your daughter make a collage of all the things about her that are beauiful and make her unique. maybe write a poem or lyrics to a song she likes. Don't let it pass. Make sure she knows she's beautiful. And remember this isn't happening to you. It's happening for you.

God Bless you,

M.

i think you should focus on your daughter and whatever life lessons can be gleaned from this and someone else's child or their parent. while its unfortunate that there are parents out there who are either giving their kids the wrong message (unintentional or not), i think it's more important that you empower your daughter with a sense of self worth and confidence so that in the future, she will have the tools to pick herself up when she is pushed down. and if you think about it, most people's eating disorders aren't necessarily about weight, but more about other underlying issues that they have not addressed. and the disorder is a crutch that they use to compensate for such issues. if you were a good friend of the mother of the girl that called your daughter fat, that would be a different story. but that doesn't sound like the case. so i would leave it to a neutral party like the teacher to address the mother. good luck.

Bless you and your daughter her story brings tears to my eyes. I remember well that age and the cruelness from others. How wonderful the way she handeled the situation and bless you for being so calm. You handeled it much better than me, I am afraid my Irish hot temper would have flaired to no end and I'm sure with husband in tow trying to stop me, I would have been looking for a fight that would have done no good and in no way taught my daughter the values I would like to bestow in her. So both of you have taught me something today. For myself and my family we are learning to pray for people like the parent you speak of and for the child who is only learning what she is shown. Threw prayer there is release, and threw release there is forgiveness and with forgiveness comes love

Hi W.!
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am utterly disgusted at that mother for even thinking about mentioning that to your daughter. I am a survivor of a very severe case of anorexia which started when I was 9 years old and I am now just getting healthy nearing 24. I am so proud of your little girl, and I applaud you in your parenting for raising her to say and believe such smart things. I hope that she can hold that attitude for the rest of her life because it will serve her well. However, I would encourage you to talk to this mother, if she is saying things like that about other people, just imagine what she could be saying to her own daughter. Eating disorders are such a prevalent thing these days and they start earlier and earlier. It sounds like that little girl is on the fast track for a deadly disorder, not to mention that the mother is probably suffering herself. Talk to her, make her aware that it is not ok to judge someone else's little girl, or her own for that matter. You might be surprised at what she has to say in response, but then again be prepared for her to fight you with attitude if she is indeed suffering from a hidden eating disorder, its just the disorder talking, not her.
I am the creator of Eradicate Eating Disorders NOW, and it is things like this that I am working hard to get rid of. Parents need to teach their children to have better relationships with food, not worse!
If you would, please go to this site and sign the petition. It is to endorse healthier role models for our young children! We all need that! Send it on to others as well. Thanks so much.
http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/EEDNontherunway/
Good luck with everything and I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
G.

Hi W.,Sounds like your doing a great job!Look how your daughter responded to the awful comment.She sounds lovely,with high self esteem!For the other mother,let the cow fall in a hole,don't waste your time trying to speak to someone like that.You might just upset yourself more.Good luck,L.

Your daughter handled that beautifully. Don't say anything to the mother. Her child will take your daughter's comment home just like she brought her mother's comment to school.

Maybe your daughter has taught her a lesson. If she isn't smart enough to learn the lesson and you get anymore comments then you can take action but only after you count to 10.

Tell her the truth...that some people have low self-esteem and mental illness. That they "act out" in ways to hurt people because they were probably hurt as a child and haven't recovered. Maybe they never will. That it's not her job to "fix" these people. (Unsolicited advice is an act of hostility.) Pray for them and stay away from them. It's not being judgmental to stay away from them because if you allow yourself to be abused, in an effort to be accepting or non-judgmental, then that is the same as abusing another person. It's not to be tolerated. If your daughter wants to use a few one liners to even the playing field, that's OK too. She had a great comeback, but it might have just rolled off a child who has been taught to be catty. Something direct like, "Try not to feel bad about your mom having bad manners and not being smart. Not everyone can have a smart mom like mine. And dont worry, we're praying for her too." "I'm not surprsied your mom would say that. I heard the other moms talking about how tacky she is." "I guess that's why the teachers said your mom needed to find a self-help section."

At this point I would leave it be. It sounds like the teacher is willing to help a little. Which mit be all that needs to be said. But to reinforce your daughters confidence tell her how great she looks and have others point that out too. (like grand parents or close friends) Don't make it oddveous that you are doing it. Or she will feel that you are just lieing to her to make her feel better. If something else gets said at school then I would talk to the mother One on One with a teacher or principal.

One thing to remember you should always watch what you say about others, because things have a habbit of coming back and bitting us in the Butt. (if she thinks your daughters fat most likely she will have some issue that makes her gain wait or her own daughter to become fat) Don't ever make fun of others because you never know what is in your future that could make you the same or worse. Best of luck to both of you. May God watch over you and your family always. J.

Dear W.,
I'm sorry that this has happened to your daughter. I'm not sure about how to deal with the mom. But in respect to your daughter's situation, I would advise not to discuss issues about weight with her...including using words that also involves skinny. For example, not emphasizing the issue of fat or skinny. Some parents may think that telling your child they look good and they are skinny will make give them high self-esteem, but it will also bring the same bad results - "emphasizing on the issue of weight and being skinny". Making the child focus on weight as opposed to health. With my daughter, although she is only 2 now, I plan to talk about health and how certain foods are good for your heart, your bones, your growth etc. And that eating is very important for survival etc. And if she ask me if I think she's beautiful, then I would be honest and say that, "you are definitely beautiful on the outside, but that's not really why your beautiful..it's because you are so sweet and kind, and beautiful on the inside, that people realized you ARE truly beautiful to look at. What you are inside will shine on the outside too."

Maybe then, you can also tell your daughter that when people say nasty things...what ends up happening is that no matter how pretty they may look on the outside, others are only able to see their ugliness (ooze out onto the outside), and physically, they will look ugly to anyone who sees them.

Speaking to an insensitive parent won't do anything. You think talking to her will change her? "Thank you - I realize now that expressing my opinon to my family in the privacy of my own home was totally wrong. I'm so glad you pointed it out to me." I don't think so.
No. You work on your daughter's self esteem, and that comes from accomplishment. Help her to be happy and active - make sure she has lots of play dates and friends, get her into church, scouts, volunteering, sports, junior modeling, pagents, dance, gymnastic classess, get her a tutor so she can excell at her studies - hurt feelings are internal - we believe what other people say! You must teach her that the opinons of others is worthless.
No matter the initial pain, don't be a helpless kitten in all of this - you must have the attitude of a tiger! This will not be the first time that this happens, be prpared, this is a woman's life in our country - it is even a popular TV show, what do you think America's Next Top Model is?
You must build a self esteem in her that is like a concrete wall and then she will be able to live a solid and worry free life.

My first response was to get in her face. How ever as I think about it, I think I would let the teacher handle it this time. Follow up with the teacher to make sure she spoke to the parent. Let your daughter know (like you said) that some adults do not say or make good choices. If it happens again I would say something to that parent.
Good luck!!!

PERFECT ANSWER, I think your daughter handled this herself. Now hopefully that little girl, will go tell her mother your daughters response. I can see how upset you'd be though. I personally wouldn't say anything to the mother. If the teacher mentioned it's happened before with another family, let the teacher say something to her. That way you don't slip your grounds and feel guilty for words out of anger. In the end, we all know there is only ONE that will do the judging. Your daughter seems like a bright, beautiful little girl.

You all are SO REASONABLE !!! lol . My first reaction would be to contact that idiot mother and explain that the next time her daughter relays a nasty comment from her to my kid , I'm gonna rip her tongue out. But that's the hot headed Italian/ Momma Grizzly Bear in me, gggrrrrrr . I would let the teacher handle it this time and nicely explain to my child that not everyone is born with the same level of intelligence , just like everyone is not born with the same body shape ; and STUPID people say STUPID things.

Hello W.,
You can't always curtail the actions or words of others but you can be effective in promoting your daughter emotional and physical development, which based on your daughter response to the other child, you are already doing a good job.
Children can be cruel and children will fight, argue and be back at the lunch table eating together like nothing ever happened. Your daughter already handled the situation by not allowing the other child to make her feel bad about herself and she was able to communicate that to the child in an appropriate manner.
The other childs mother may or may not have said that your child is fat, but what if she did?, do you think it would resolve anything by confronting her about it? or would it cause more harm? Remember it can go either way.
I would continue to parent your daughter the way you have been and just be there to listen to her pains, joys and whatever is going on with her. Unless your daughter is being bullied or feels unsafe then and only then would I say something to the parent. I think you addressed it well by telling her teacher. Let this one go. Pick your fights carefully, this one is not worth it.
Take care. And tell your daughter that I think she did an awesome job in how she handled her classmates mean statement!! You go girl!
M.

Unfortunately with this one, all you can do is work on your own family. Keep instilling that self-esteem within your daughter so that she continues to have a positive attitude about herself and her image. She is right on with who she must please - and no one else so, even if she was overweight, it is not for anyone else to say. We cannot change the way other people think/act, we can only change ourselves. Your daughter will do more good with what she already said, the anything you could say to that other girls mother. These days, who knows what that mother would do in retaliation anyway. Your daughter sounds awesome! God bless!

I would leave it alone.

what i would do is approach the childs mother. ask her why she would say that about your child and what example is she setting for her child. tell her that she needs to be more appropiate in her comments. so your child is a bigger girl who cares. yes i agree your daughter handled it wonderfully! shes truely a smart girl good for her!

Leave it alone. Stupid people say stupid things. Your daughter handled herself beautifully. Keep teaching her to love herself no matter what people say or think. I also have a daughter that is solid and 95% in weight and height. She is a big girl but by know means fat. She is 11 and starting to be very body conscious. I teach her to be healthy above all else.

I'm sorry to hear that!!! I am a psychotherapist who has a lot of experience with adolescents with eating disorders. If I were you, I would definitely confront the mother and explicitly inform her that your daughter is NONE of her business and that if she is preoccupied enough with weight issues to be criticizing a seven year old, she needs to get some treatment. It would be fine to just leave it the way it is and to deal with the issue with your daughter alone, but when you ask, "what would you do?" Well, that's what I'd do - I would be so angry!

In regard to your daughter, I would just continually reinforce to her that she is beautiful as God made her. As long as your family is eating well and staying active, that is all that matters. You might also educate your daughter about how some people are "sick" with disorders that make them obsess about weight and that they are simply not healthy people. You might educate her about the fact that in southern california, there are many women who struggle with these "sicknesses" and that it is important to have her own ideas about beauty and health and not to take in other people's potentially distorted ideas.

Hope this is of some help to you.

W.,

You can't control anyone's behavior but your own. Model the values you want your children to have. Don't obsess about your weight or say you are fat or anything like that in front of them. Do what you can to bolster their self esteem. If you daughter is a little "thick" approach it always from a health issue (would she like to do gymnastics or dance or soccer or something?), not an "looks" issue.

Anyway, I wouldn't approach the other mom. Some people are just jerks and there is nothing you can do about it. Don't give this woman's bad behavior any more power than it has already had. Concentrate your time and energy on your kids.

Anyway, I think you've done a great job handling it so far and I think you're definitely on the right path with how you want your kids to deal with body image issues.

:-)T.

Well it seems to me that you have already done your job. Your daughter has already shown that she is a confident young lady she gave the perfect answer. As moms we tend to want to strike out at those that hurt our children, although our teachings say different. I believe that if you respond to the M. of this mean child, you are validating the statement and saying silently that your daughters response was not sufficient.
As for the future , make sure that she remains confident in herself , by participating in sports or organizations that continue to build on the person, not the appearance of the person. I would say you are already on the right track. Blessings for you and your family.

It sounds like your daughter has been taught well by you to be able to reply like she did. Keep up the good work. She is right, she shouldn't care what other people think. I think it's good that you talked to the teacher, too, b/c she can be more diplomatic than you in this situation. I think that you should just keep the communication open with your daughter and continue to teach her the lessons in life, and sometimes that means dealing with other people's judgement. Good luck!
P.S. We are a hockey family too, and we are loving the Stanley Cup playoffs!

I spent 11 years teaching elementary school and dealing with situations such as this. What I've learned is that when most sensible parents (you) confront silly parents (the other mom), the silly parent never responds the way you want them to and they just don't get it. Personally, I think it would be a waste of energy to confront this mom over something her child said she said. Then it turns into kind of a "high school" scenario. I think your daughter responded beautifully and you've obviously reinforced some healthy attitudes at home.
I also think that going to the teacher was a good idea. This way the teacher can be aware of the situation and if it happens again, hopefully the teacher will deal with the situation right then and there. If it continues, there are things you can do, such as go to the principal (it's always nice to go to the teacher first) and let the principal know that your daughter is being harrassed or bullied at school on a repeated basis. There are education codes about these kinds of things to protect children.
Ask the teacher to document incidences if it keeps happening, and document them yourself. Write everything that happened down. Hopefully, it was a silly one time incident, but if not...document, document, document. It makes you look professional, lets the teacher and principal know that you gave it time to be worked out on its own or in the classroom, and that you mean business. Plus, it gives you a proactive way to deal with your anger in the meantime without confronting the mom.

I think I'm more worried about the little girl who said that to your daughter than I am for your daughter. You have obviously already set a wonderful example whereas her parents have not. I echo the other writers who have stated that this is best handled by the teacher. I would be equally furious and protective, but because your daughter handled this so well, I would continue modeling positive and self assured behavior.

Jen

Your daughter handled the situation perfectly. Like others have said, continue to build up her self esteem.
Also, this is information coming from 7 year olds. You don't know for sure if this mom actually said this or not. You don't know if perhaps the other child is being picked on by someone else and this is her way of compensating. Maybe you also don't know what might have led up to this exchange in the first place. Kids can be cruel and it's not always because of the parents either. Words do have a lasting impact as well. Our first experience of this was when my son was 3 years old. He had a pair of Barney shoes that he wore to death, loved them. A boy in his daycare told him they were baby shoes and from that day forward he never wore them again (and I know it made him sad to part with them). Our own wonderful, loving children may also do this very same thing someday and learning about it will go against everything that we've taught them and break our hearts that our sweet children can also find it in themselves to be so cruel.
I think it's important that the mom knows what the child said and you did the right thing in telling the teacher. It may have come from mom or the little girl may have made it up to be hurtful. Let the teacher handle the situation. If you confront the mother, feeling the way you do, then it can create more conflict not just between you and the mom but between your daughters. I would leave the situation where it is for now. If another instance occurs between your daughter and this girl, then take it to the principal and ask that he have the other mother come and meet with you, in a neutral setting with the principal. Chances are the next step would be to bring your children together to discuss this, again in a neutral setting.
But if this is a one time happenstance, don't escalate the situation any further. :)

It sounds like your daughter did a great job for herself and you have talked to the teacher about it. If this child's comments continue in the future I would talk to the parent.
I have four children and trying to disarm what society has told them is important in a person has too been a personal goal as a parent. So far so good.ive always not made a great deal about peoples looks at all, wether its beauty, weight, or race. Kids learn from our examples and if we make big deals out of stuff this what they think will be important in life. Even in my self my kids have seen me gain 15 lbs in the last year or two but I have not let them see me make a big deal about it, I don't do crazy diets. And when they have commented on my weight gain I tell them Four kids lived in my body and if 15lbs is all my I have to complain about than I am happy!!! I have wonderful healthy kids and that is what is important. When i speak about eating habitsits only that of sugars are bad for your health diabetes runs in our family, I try to do as much natural and organic cooking asi can because of the hormone thing, producing these super fast developing superkids!!! Never do I say the word fat. Because truely it doesn't matter its all about health. Anyone can develop health issue if you have poor eating habits. When I talk about looks its only in regards to having RESPECT for yourself to shower and to be well groomed. Not fancy clothes or labels. And when i speak of race, I teach them about our heritage and to be proud of their heritage so they are not ashamed when the day comes when they get looked down upon. On the same token I've made it a point to teach them about other cultures and how beautiful they are as well. I tell them that it is ignorance that divides people. For all races have had their struggles and triumphs. We are God's people and character is the only thing that matters. So far so good My kids respect them selves and others as well.

I'd let the teacher deal with it. I love your daughter's come back. I wouldn't talk to the other mom because she may get mad at you and tell her daughter to take it out on your daughter. Don't obsess about it because your daughter may sense that from you. Unless your daughter brings it up again, i'd let it go.

I LOVE your daughter's response! That's a very mature response.

I think your best bet is to make sure that the teacher handled it, then affirm your daughter's response. Tell her that she is right, God's the only one that really matters, and He thinks she is beautiful inside and out. Tell her not to believe in the lies of others. Tell her that she is not fat. She is in the 97th percentile for height and the 96th percentile for weight. That's proportional. And, those are facts. She is not fat.

Her healthy outlook on her appearance will be based on how those close to her treat her and what she is taught concerning proper nutrition and fitness.

I think you are doing a great job based on how your daughter reacted. Though, I totally understand your desire to do something concerning that mother. Perhaps you and your daughter could pray together concerning that family, that God would soften their hearts. Respond in love, right?

Hi W.,
Let me start by saying that based on your daughter's handling of the situation, you must be doing a great job with her. This really is about raising our kids to be confident in themselves, and to understand that people are not perfect, and as such, there will be others who don't act in alignment with our values or choices. To be honest, my perception is that your strong emotional reaction is telling of an insecurity that you may have about your daughter's size. My suggestions would be to take a look at that, as our stuff ends up getting projected on to others and picked up by our kids. To go a little further with the whole body image idea, it might be more helpful to focus on how to handle the indiscretions of others, rather than defending your daughter's size and whether or not she is or isn't fat. The point here is that the comment from the other girl was inappropriate and ignorant. That stuff happens. I think the greatest lesson here is in how to deal with the words and deeds of others - like staying calm, not buying into what other people say, being grounded in the knowingness of who she is, and not letting anyone else dictate her worthiness, self-esteem, etc.
When one is grounded in regard to self esteem, then comments like that will roll off more easily and be a non issue, and it will diminish the need to defend oneself. Feeling the need to defend can imply that on some level we have bought into what was said. Look at it this way: If someone told you that your hair was green, how would you respond? You'd probably laugh a little, and then ignore the whole comment and move on. Why? Because you know beyond the shadow of a doubt that your hair is not green, and as such, their comment means nothing to you. The comment is not a reflection of you or your hair, but rather a reflection of something about the person who said it.

Again, it sounds like you're doing a great job with your daughter. In a perfect world everyone would be more conscious about their comments to one another. But then again, if everything always went smoothly, we wouldn't have the opportunity to learn the lessons that serve us throughout our lives. Maybe this person has just done a great service to your daughter in helping this issue to come up, so that at an early age she can get the lesson about believing in herself and not buying into what others think. That sounds like a great gift to me! And there you are to help her through it! You're doing great.

As mothers we want to protect our children, and rightly so, but the world we live in is not always kind or fair. It sounds as if you are doing a good job teaching your children what is important. Ultimately you must decide if this needs to be pursued, but if you always jump in to intervene than they can't learn to apply the good teaching that you have given them and the self confidence they have when things are not fair or kind, it may be a big shock to them later on.
I might use this as an opportunity to teach that sometimes people say unkind or hurtful things, but that we continue to be kind in return.

wow, this is a touchy subject. I can relate, to the name calling, because I've been overweight all of my life. Even though you state that your daughter is overweight, if she is not thin, she will be ridiculed. I would like to just say kids are cruel, but this comment did not come from a kid, which makes it worse. All I can really say is let it be. Explain to your daughter, in your gentlest terms, that people are ignorant, misery loves company, etc... (all the things that make people react in uncivilized manners). The bottom line is, you can't protect her from every harsh word. She will be ok if she is a strong confident girl, which she sounds like :) Good luck and keep feeding her positive thoughts.

Sorry, as a teacher I would stay far away from the mom. If she was so poor mannered to say that, than she is not going to have the manners to listen to you. There is always that possibility the mom didn't say it, and the other child just made it up. I know it hurts either which way. It evens hurts me when i hear, "My mom thinks your ______." Good luck and feel good that you are raising your daughter right.

I think this situation is very sad. It hard when kids make fun of other kids but when a mom is the cause it's worse.You make sure to tell you daughter that God made her perfect. Tell you daughter next time or even now to tell that little girl to tell her mom that you all(your daughter, you and I) will be praying for her. That mom must have very low self-esteem if she needs to making comments like that.
The eating disorder is a concern all moms have when they have daughters, and it's not just from mom's like that mean lady but from tv, magizine, etc. You must keep telling you daughter that God made her perfect and special, not to let others dictate her feelings about herself.

Dear W.,
Nothing hurts more than when children/parents are mean! Let the teacher take care of things for now. If the parents have been a problem it might be better if you don't tangle with them.
Your daughter sounds like she can handle herself very well. Try not to make a big issue out of it with your daughter by over reacting-rather use this as a tool to boost your daughter's esteem- You could tell your daughter the other girl must feel insecure about herself and that's why she says mean things about other people and aren't we lucky we aren't that way- how sad for them! Take your little mama out shopping for a new outfit or buy her a bracelet so she'll remember when she is at school how special, smart and beautiful she is!

Hi, W.,

I admire your daughter's composure and commend your daughter on her behavior in response to being insulted. At your daughter's age, my sister and I were about the same height but weighed about 45 pounds. We were considered skinny. I am no longer skinny or even as slim as I'd like to be, but my sister, who was a dancer and athlete, has always been very slim and has trouble gaining even a pound. As such, she has been bombarded with "skinny" throughout her life. My husband works in the music business with a lot of women who are known for their beauty. No matter what these women do, someone will always find fault with them. Unfortunately, some people behave badly, even as adults, so we need to determine our worth on our own opinions. As long as your daughter exercises and eats a healthy diet and her doctor says she's fine, just keep on charging forward leaving these critics behind.

Lynne E

How appauling of this mother to say such a thing about a child!!! So far I think you have handled this very well. And you are lucky your daughter has a great teacher who is going to work on the issue in class!! From what the teacher says, sounds like this mother may not be very educated and certainly has poor judgement. I don't recommend talking to the mother about this. I forsee a screaming match which would not be good. Insted continue to focus on building your daughter's self esteem. Seems like so far you are doing great (love her response!). try to find female role models who are of a similar body type, most likely pro-athletes or with the summer olympics coming up an olympian! try to stear away from the pop culture icons (they are all way way too skinny). focus on telling her she is healthy and is beautiful all the time. the more positive reinforcement the better! if you start now with building her self image, she is more likely as a pre-teen and teen to be less effected by negativity. good luck! and keep loving your beautiful girl!!

It sounds like your daughter already has a good handle on this. I think you are on the right track with your kids in what you are teaching them. Keep it up, we need more nice people in this world. :O)
As for the mom that said this. Leave it alone and let the teacher handle it. Why lower yourself to her level. Now if it continues then yeah say something. People that pick on other people are not happy in their own lives. It makes them feel better to pick on others. Sad but true.
As for your daughter and her weight. She will grow up following what you do at home. Keep the junk food and fast food out of your diets. She will be fine.
You sound like a wonderful person and mom. Keep up the good work.
God Bless
B.

There are alot of ignorant people out in the world,you just happened to find one or many.but you should just ignore that person and her comments.You should just keep doing what your doing. And that will help build confidence in your daughter. Sometimes just ignoring their comments makes you and your family better people. Talking to her teacher was a good move, but i think if you talk directly to the family it will just cause trouble for you and especially for your daughter. Sounds like your daughter is a very smart girl and knows how to handle her self. As she gets older I think she will be okay. I was and still am a big girl (not fat but tall and just bigger than the rest of the petite girls around). I went through school just fine, actually no body picked on me cause of my size. For your being 7yrs old she speaks up for herself very well. Just as a mother we want to jump and protect them from all harms way. You have rasied a polite young lady and I am sure the rest of your kids are the same, they follow by example. And who could love a family that loves Hockey!! God Bless.....

Hello W. your questions and concerns really caught my eye this morning when I read it. I have a 6 year old daughter who is what I call very solid also. She is very active playing T-Ball, dance, loves jump rope and solid as a wall. She is 4'2" and 70lbs not fat at all. It is if each limb weighs 10lbs. I have had a few problems only with a family friends daughter who has made comments like "you look fat" and "why is your stomach fatter than mine". I think that is ignorance on the parents part. My daughter also responded with "I don't care what you think I am beautiful just the way I am". That is what we always tell her, however now she will say mom I am fat huh? and it breaks my heart that she even wonders about it. I just let her know that as long as we are healthy we can't change the shell we live in and no matter what anyone says to know that she is beautiful inside and out. I know it is hard for her to understand at this age, but I hope if I keep that in her mind when she is older it will help. I have even had my parents tell me when she is gonna have a cookie or ice cream "Are you gonna let her eat that" and I get really upset!!! She is 6 not 16 and she's not fat or eating unhealthy it is just the way GOD made her. It hurts as a mother because you want to protect your child and we know how harsh people can be. I don't think at this time I would approach the mother, but if there's a problem again I would ask the teacher to set up a conference so you can speak with the girls mother in a calmer environment. That way you have someone else there and hopefully it won't turn into a yelling match. You can tell that's where it will go with this mothers attitude. I mean honestly what kind of adult/parent are you to discuss something like that with a 7 year old!!! That goes to show you what kind of child she is raising!!! It is sad, but true!!! I wish you all the best and let me know what happens. You are obviously a great mom with lots of love for your kids!!!!
W. E.

At this point I would say let the teacher take care of it since she offered to do such a nice thing for you. Just see where it leads. If it happens again then I confront the mom. You don't want to gang up on this other mom, she may become rather hostle about it. I love how your daughter handle the situation, very mature!

It sounds like you have already done a fabulous job with your daughter, her response was great! I think it is fine to let her know that 1)just because someones says "someone else said something" doesn't mean they did, and 2)adults can be mean spirited and obnoxious, just like kids. It is so hard for girls today to have a positive body image with all the pressure and media messages, all you can do is keep doing what you've been doing and hope for the best. She sounds terrific.

L.

You've already received many responses. I'll just give my quick 2 cents. We can't control what other people say. This is a great lesson for our kids because we won't always be able to protect our kids from others. This mom was out of line. Confronting her is not going to change what she has already said and it may not prevent her from saying it again.

It sounds like the teacher is handling things very professionally and you should be greatful for her cooperation.

Your daughter will get a majority of her self esteem from you so keep doing what you're doing and reassuring her of her strengths.

Good luck!

I have to jump in here. First, its unfortunate that your daughter received such a comment. Coming from a girl who was never skinny as a child, athletic but always wore the "husky" or "regular size", I understand. My step mother once told me (I was 10) that I was going to grow up to be short and fat just like my mother. You know what, my mother was short and fat, but I am not.

We know that life isn't fair, children aren't nice and that comments are made every day (even by us, self aware, adults) that are impolite, disrespectful, or disingenuous. We can't control what others say or teach their children, and we shouldn't try. This will only become your daughters problem if it becomes yours. I think it has hurt your feelings more than hers. Children are resilient. If we let them be. Continue to show her how to take the high road. Lead by example (seems like you have been doing really well)Really in the end, the most important thing is that she loves herself. Keep her healthy. I am a pediatric RN and the junk we feed our kids (fast food, chips just plain old junk) and lack of appropriate exercise (aka too much TV and videos) contributes to an unhealthy life style. Childhood obesity is out of control, but I would by no means consider your child fat. One day, she will be a tall, healthy beautiful woman and she will have you to thank for it.

I have never responded, but thought this one was worth it! Do not waste your time talking to an ADULT with a small mind. Continue to teach your beautiful daughter how to grow up positive inside and out. It is apparent that the mother that would do this kind of negative to a child is not one worth the bad energy. Keep up the good upraising and just stay with a positive home life and your daughter will know that good is good and bad is bad!

Hi W.,
You answered your own question in the end of your post. It is more important to try to teach your daughter what is important and when to pay attention to the comments of others, than to try and teach this ignorant adult that what she said was hurtful.

If the teacher has stated she had probelms with this family before, than just consider the source and let this be part of lifes lessons to your daughter. Unfortunately she will have to learn people can be very rude.

When it comes to children, particularly girls, the way a mother reacts to certain situations are ways they learn now to react. If you don't personally have a body image problem, why would your daughter? The biggest influence in your daughter's life is YOU and not what everyone else is doing or saying.

Yes, as a mom your instinct is to protect your little girl and fight back. You want your daughter to do exactly what she did in response to what was said to her. This goes to show you are already at a great start in raising her!

Don't you just wonder about people sometimes? It's hard to believe that an adult would say such a hateful thing about a child. I guess some people just weren't raised right.

I would say definitely do not approach this other mom. She is clearly an imbecile and will not take anything you tell her to heart. Let the teacher handle it with the class. Hopefully your daughter and the teacher can at least get through to this other child that what her mother said was hurtful and completely inappropriate.

You must be bursting with pride over your daughter's reaction. Kudos to both of you! The world needs more moms like you - keep up the great work!

your daughter seems very confident and proud of her body, and that's a good thing.

i would definitely have a conversation with her (because the incident seems like a good segway) to speak about body issues in general, and please do let her know that sometimes people period (not just adults) do & say the wrong things.

i wouldn't bring it up to the parent unless you want some drama. bring it up only if it becomes a habit or occurs often.

hope that helps.

rah

Just like that other girl is following her mother's lead, so too will your daughter follow YOUR lead. It already says a lot of what you have been teaching your daughter for her to respond to that. I think it would be a big mistake for you to go off on that other mom right now. Remember - your daughter is watching you to see how you react. It's great that you talked to the teacher and it's great that you have plans to talk to the mom about it, but don't let it consume you and especially don't let your daughter see you being consumed by someone else's comment. For your daughter, you should continue to raise her to be the strong person that she already is. Unfortunately, there are mean-spirited people out there and your kids will have to know how to handle criticisms - true or not.

Man, kids can be mean, the stinkers! And then you come to find out that it's the parents. Well, I do have to say bravo to your daughter. You have already done a good job supporting her and giving her tools to build her strength. I would so be tempted to give that Mother a piece of my mind. But I would say see what the teacher finds out. Go back in a few days and talk to her about it, and maybe the two of you can come up with a plan. In the meantime, check on your daughter, see what she is feeling and keep reminding her that that woman wasn't talking about her, she was talking about herself. But instead of taking responsibility for her problems, she projected them on your daughter. Totally disrespectful and out of line. And hey....if you decide to go and talk to the mother and let her have it. You've got a lot of support. ;)

And bravo to you for your attitude. Sounds like you have created a loving and supportive home. And from what I know, that doesn't lead to eating disorders.

My best wishes to you and your daughter.

R.

You're doing fine and it seems your little angel is far beyond her years in maturity. We look around sometimes and take for granted everyone is born with common sense and then things like this happen and you know we all still need JESUS! I am not worried about your daughter and I'm almost beside myself when I think about what a horrid lifestyle that other family must be living.

You are very blessed with beautiful healthy intelligent children BLESS YOUR HEARTS!

By the way, personally if I approached the mother I would definitely have the police on stand by to protect her from me, but that's just me......LET IT GO AND HUG YOUR CHILDREN!

I'm so sorry taht some people are so ignorant that they would say something so horrible about a child. My advise is this - ask for a meeting with the principal and the parents. Explain to them your feelings making sure you keep it in the "I" frame. Don't expect miracles. At least this way you hav aired your grievances in front of the principal. ANd kudos to you for raising such an intelligent kid - she's right. It's none of her business what other people think about her. It's only important what she thinks about herself, and you've obviously done a tremendous job instilling self-confidence in her. My hats off to all of you!

I would definitely speak with the offending parent to confront the situation. What else is this parent telling her daughter about your daughter or any other kid? This comment could very well have hurt your daughter's feelings. How would this parent like her daughter attacked for things beyond her control?