Am I Being a Snob?

As a high school teacher and competitive cheer coach I genuinely hope that my child does not fall in with the popular crowd. They are great kids and I enjoy working with them but they also are way "faster" than the students in my Academic Decathlon class. They are partying and having sexual relationships before their Junior year and they are obsessed with material things. I know it is not all of them but it certainly seems like it sometimes. It is hard to watch the kids come into my program as 14 year olds and be acting like 25 year olds within a year. It bothered me so much I have decided not coach cheer this year. I can't handle being around mean girls. Just an opinion from the trenches :)

If the children play nicely and have good fellowship together I would just let it go.

Things will change soon enough anyway.

When my older son was in 7th and 8th grade I saw lifelong friends (since pre-K) go in radically different directions.

This too shall pass.

LOL Well, you asked an honest question! People flip out over the weirdest things.

I do agree we need to know what they deem "nerdy"...

I am a "nerd." I was at the top of my class of 500. I could program computers, took college calculus in high school, read all the time, played the piano...also, president of the art club, volunteered my time, etc. I had plenty of friends in high school, and plenty of people who made fun of me.

As an adult, there are still people who make "fun" of me...how ridiculous is that? They're snobs, just like you. I mean it...I still have friends who laugh at me and tell me to speak English if I use a word bigger than their vocabulary. Are they nice, compassionate, thoughtful? Nope.

But I am nice to people, I am compassionate, and I am thoughtful of others feelings. Really, what else matters when it comes to this? How about...raise your children to be nice, compassionate, and thoughtful? Who cares what "group" they fall into? I can tell you this about my life....I am happily married to my dream guy, my super hot crush from high school, we have beautiful children who are smart and talented (and probably nerds, who cares?) and they are so, so thoughtful of others and would NEVER CONSIDER "distancing" themselves from other children just because of what people might think.

I reserve "distancing my children" for times when the other children are naughty or whose parents aren't bringing them up with any moral standard.

Definition of SNOB
1British : cobbler
2: one who blatantly imitates, fawningly admires, or vulgarly seeks association with those regarded as social superiors
3a : one who tends to rebuff, avoid, or ignore those regarded as inferior b : one who has an offensive air of superiority in matters of knowledge or taste

You make the call

I think you are all ridiculous. They are little kids, get a grip. Maybe you need to let your "in crowd" go and grow up. Your not in highschool anymore.

This breaks my heart for a couple of reasons: 1. already you're labeling these kis and, in my assumption, they like playing together.
2. I used to label - came from a family who had everyone steryotyped in their 'group' and I grew up to be anxious and always wondering how people saw me - who am I, etc.
3. I have a child who is dealing with challenges and my big worry is that he's going to be challenged socially. Thankfully we live in a neighborhood where kids are very nice and all play together however your post makes me cringe with the reality that he's going to one day encounter those who will judge so harshly - and the parents who, like my family, will decide who their kids should/should not play with due to superficial issues.

You sound like the "popular crowd" and you sound like you are already setting your kid to be mean to these kids and to pick on them when they get older. Kids are kids... let them pick their own friends.

Hard to tell what's really going on here from your post. But the simple fact that you label people so readily, and divide the world into "nerds" and "popular folks" is telling.

You're even asking (with a little touch of secret pride in the idea, perhaps?) whether you should label yourself "snob" to go with "popular," which is a label you clearly already attach to yourself.

I'd take a long look at what you really mean by "nerdy" and why you fear it so much for your kids (and, by extension, for yourself, since you'd be the "mom of the nerdy kids").

If you use labels so freely now, and value "popularity" so highly, your kids will be happy to use labels and value popularity as they grow up, and others will know that they see only labels, not individuals.

I don't know if snob is the right word. Perhaps superficial? Short-sighted? Shallow? Yeah, that's it - shallow.

I don't think our role as parents is to consciously choose a "direction" for our children other than to make sure that they're not turning into juvenile delinquents. If these are good kids, who are good friends to your children, then let them be and try to get over yourself.

Believe me when I say that you don't really want your kids actively pursuing the "popular" crowd. My oldest kids got sucked into a "popular" group of kids this year and it was a drama-filled nightmare. I'm glad that they were able to extricate themselves from this clique and go back to the nice, normal kids they've been friends with for years.

Not only that, your kids are pretty young, right? Do you really think that being friends with a group of kids in elementary school will permanently weaken their social currency as they get older? It won't. Instead of lamenting the fact that your kids are friends with kids who you don't think are good enough for them, perhaps you should say a prayer of thanks that they have friends at all. Some kids don't.

Not a snob,..... just narrow minded and a little full of yourself..

Personally? You label someone far too quickly in my opinion...

they are KIDS!! LET THEM BE KIDS!!!!

I don't know what your definition of "nerdy" is....is that saying they are book smart and know computers? what?

Personally - unless these people are teaching their children bad manners (interrupting when talking, chewing with the mouth open, using poor grammar (yeah instead of yes, or AX instead of ask) or anything that goes against good morals and values - let them be...

just because you were successful in school and popular - doesn't mean that's what your kids will be. you can't pigeon hole them to be popular..

No matter how you bring your kid up, they're going to be who they want to be.

Example: My siblings and I; we were all raised the same way. I'm the oldest and the only girl. I went to college but didn't finish, started a family, got married, live a very carefree (yet penny pinching), very happy go lucky lifestyle, and we surround ourselves with friends. My brother, 2 years younger than I, finished college, went to grad school, then got married and hangs out at pubs all the time. He bought a sailboat and a few motorcycles. He looks successful, but he's miserable. My youngest brother, 7 years younger than me, is still in college, and studies abroad most of the time. He's really into world politics. He'll rule our country one day! (Vote for Ben, LOL!!)...

Point is, the 3 of us played, as children, with nerds, sports-heads, punk kids, religious kids, etc... NONE of that made us who we are today. Let the kids be kids; let them play with everyone. I believe it teaches acceptance for others early on :) They're not going to 'catch nerd cooties' ;)

When you say nerd do you mean super smart? Do mean the kid who sits in the corner and wipes boogers on the wall? The kid who is already planning out to make a rocket? Or the band kids? The home ec kids? What do you constitute as a nerd? My kid could be considered a nerd. He was smart he liked to read sometimes as opposed to hanging out playing football. He was in the band. But he is genius level math. graduated in the top 2% of his class at Carthage last month. He will sit in an office and do math that others only goggle at. But.....he also sang at Carnegie hall last month. So while a kid may seem like a geek/nerd at 5 or even 10 doesn't mean they are not worth your while. Was he a football jock or a cheerleader which is what is sounds like your aiming for no. Does he have a great job and life ahead and really good friends yes. I think you want to have "barbie and ken" kids and they probably won't thank you for it later.

not sure I answered your question above so here goes. Yes really snobby of you to try and pick your childrens friends. honest opinion from me lol.

There are two sayings in our house.

"The geek shall inherit the earth." -and- "Some day everyone will work for a nerd."

I remind the children of this when shallow snobs stop talking to them because they're nerds, or geeks. (Those terms are used interchangeably around here.) My husband is both. I love him dearly and he's the sweetest, coolest man I know. He rides a motorcycle, has a pimpin' SUV, makes well into the 6 figures...and yes, we play MMORPGs and DnD. We also have many many friends who accept us for who and what we are.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there is nothing wrong with wanting your child to be a "nerd" because maybe they're forward thinking enough to know that technology is where the world is heading. If you create distance between those children and yours, all you're teaching your children is that you shouldn't be friends with people who are "different" than you in some way.

As an added note: You say that you don't want to make your kids anything, but the way you worded your question comes off as you NOT wanting them to be "nerds"...which is, in it's own way, you wanting them to be something.

The way you just worded this, yes, you are being a snob. Have you watched the stuff that kids watch? They're all nerds! Lol. Let your kids play with who they want to play with. It's about morals and values, not who is a "nerd" or up to your standards.

I feel like I don't really understand your question either...how is it that they are encouraging their kids to be nerds?? Like are they making their kids have good manners and follow directions? How old are the kids? I would need more info to really answer your question but I guess you have to ask yourself why you'd create distance...is it b/c they are handling their kids in an inappropriate way that you don't want rubbing off on your child or b/c you really perceive the kids to be so "uncool" that you'd be embarassed to have your child associate with them. If it is the latter, then yes, that seems a bit snobbish and judgemental.

Are they good kids? Are the moms nice? DO your kids enjoy themselves?

Yes, you are being a snob.

It's actually snobby, and rude of you. And quite childish.

I'm also with the moms who don't get what the "nerd" label means. I also don't get "creating distance." Sounds like you think you're too good for some people. I've always wondered where snotty kids get the idea they're better than others. I guess it's from parents like you.

Kids will be what they want to be, regardless of what you -- or the other parents -- want. Obviously your kids are very young. You have a lot of learnin' to do in this area. Good luck.

ADDED: And Yes, please explain what you mean by parents wanting their kids to be nerds.

I'm not sure if you're the snob, because they're the ones that seem better than you. The word I would use is more like...pinhead.

And this is why the Chinese are kicking our a$$...

Not really sure what you mean by "nerd" or how you think they are encouraging their kids to be "nerds". You did not mention how old they are. Do you mean they sign them up for music lessons instead of sports? They are training them for a spelling bee and teaching them chess? They are into building robots or playing Dungeons and Dragons? And if they are, what is wrong with that? Not everyone can be the same - what a boring world that would be. I don't really understand why you think your kids being friends with them would be a bad thing. I am a "nerd" and I come from a whole family of "nerds". That nerdiness of mine made it possible for me to be a veterinarian today. My dad was an engineer, my brother is now an engineer, and 2 cousins are lawyers.

Do I think it's snobby of you to create distance? Umm, in a word, yeah. It's not like these are kids who are poorly behaved juvenile delinquents that could be negative influences on your precious offspring. It sounds like you want your kids do only be part of the "in crowd" and only have friends that are part of the "in crowd". They might be smart, but their social skills won't be what you think they will be if they decide they are too good for other kids. In the real world, we have to get along with all types. They could end up learning a lot from a "nerd." Heck, they might even end up working for a "nerd" some day. Look at Bill Gates.

Stop trying to micromanage your kids friendships and let them figure things out for themselves.

This is sort of fascinating, you HAVE to elaborate on what you mean by these people making their kids into nerds. If they are forcing their kids to wear horn rimmed glasses and be shy and anti social, and they're punishing them if they try out for cheer leading, well, sure, you should distance yourself from totally strange manipulative people forcing their kids to be anything.

But if they're just "allowing" their kids not to be popular if they're not, then it would be snobby to snub them for not being popular enough.

If there is reverse snobbery happening, and their kids are snubbing yours for being too popular, then sure, avoid them.

But like in life, your kids should be nice to all types, including nerds, so distancing is snobby. But, it would be doing those kids a favor if they're nice and don't need to be looked down upon.

I would teach my kid to avoid a snob way before a nerd. Kids to avoid: dangerous delinquents, racists, and snobs.

Snob isn't the word I would use - it just sounds pretty shallow to me. Your kids are going to be who they are. I wouldn't consider it very good parenting to "create distance" between your kids and kids that they want to hang with out of a desire to make them part of some "in crowd". When you grow up, there is no "in crowd". Of all the things to want for your kids in life, of all the values you want them to embrace - an ability to be compassionate, honesty, spirituality, self acceptance, a joyful heart...sorry but being "in the popular crowd" isn't on the list.

So the reason you think this is because the moms said it? That's the only thing they have done, SAID it? So they are not forcing their kids to wear button up shirts with pocket protectors and speak in a nasally voice or something?

I think you are blowing that statement all out of context. I think the moms probably mean they want their kids to excel in school. Nothing wrong with that.

And as far as the moms having success with that goal -- kids will be who they are. No one can "force" their child to be a nerd, any more than they can force them to be whatever the opposite of that is.

I wouldn't call it snobby to want to distance your kids from theirs, I would call it completely misguided. What, are you afraid their mother-induced nerdiness will rub off on your kids?

Me, personally, I want my kids to be friends with ALL types of people. That's what creates a well-rounded person.

Man, P., you need to focus on more important things as a mother.

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This sounds more like an insecurity on your part... You did say that these are your friends that are making their children "nerdy." Have you talked with your "friends" and expressed your concerns? If someone thought that I was purposely trying to make my children "nerdy" I would want to know...what if they are unaware how they are coming off? As a sidenote: there were some "nerds" and "popular" people that turned out opposite of their HS label... Facebook is a great witness to this! Ha. The nerdy girl that turned out to be a beautiful model, the hippy chick that turned out to be a perfect mommy, the jock that turned into a fat slob, the nerdy guy that is now H.O.T. and has an awesome job... Just saying! I think "labels" in the growing up years really don't matter in the long run! :)

Ever looked up your fellow 'popular' kids from your school years? Most of the ones from mine are loosers. I'm in the 'want my kids to be a nerd' crowd too, so they can be the employer of all the 'popular' kids who are generally made up of no more substance than self satisfaction and find their self-esteem by stamping it out of their fellow classmates.

I wonder if you are confusing the term with coke-bottle glasses and high pants and suspenders (Urkle much)? I highly doubt that's what these moms want their kids to do. I would WAY rather my kids be smart, happy and embrace what they love (whether it's geek-tastic or not!) than worry about what their hair looks like, the labels on their clothes or what kids are watching to see if they are going to do something to make fun of.

Just relax, momma. Your kids will be who they are going to be no matter what you want. Ever seen a goth teen with wealthy lawyer parents? It's okay to want what you want for them, but I wouldn't make them distance themselves from the neighbor kids. The 'nerd' won't rub off :)

Wow, I hope this whole thing doesn't sound like a big packet of judgement- its not. Sounds like you just don't understand where these moms are coming from and you are coming here for clarification. I'm sure your kiddos are going to be fine.

Is this even a serious question??

Yes, it seems you are being a snob. I would rather have my kids be happy, smart, kind-hearted "nerds" than cruel, hateful, trouble-making "popular" kid.

There is no reason for you to discriminate them since they have "goals" for their children. How would you feel if they decided you didn't want your kids to be "nerdy" enough and snubbed your children?

How do you 'make' your kid(s) become a nerd? I dont really understand so I cant offer advice on this
Sorry, hope all works out for you

You can't really force your child to be something he/ she isn't. I think if your kids enjoy each other you should let them be friends.

Let your kids play with whomever they please as long as they are not a bad influence on them (as in getting them into trouble, drugs, etc). It's not fair for you to have them avoid certain groups because they are "nerds". What are you teaching your kids by doing that? That you are better than they are or whatever. It's almost like a prejudice thing. By having a wide variety of friends of all types will help make your child a more well rounded individual. It's not always a good thing to be in the "popular" crowd. To me, you are being snobby and very narrow minded. Let them expand their horizon.

I have no idea what you are talking about. What do you mean by "nerdy"? You don't get to choose that for your kids. If they are quiet and introverted then you can't force them to be otherwise- just like you really shouldn't be keeping your children from playing with the "nerds". Yes, you are being a snob and mean.

I am very smart. I went to a private prep school. I was the captain of my varsity cheerleading squad. I was part of the "popular crowd". I was the president of my sorority in college. Guess what.... I'm also a nerd! I love data. I love organizing it! I get excited when my districts send me a spreadsheet of student scores that they don't understand. I love reading books on school improvement and will "nerd out" at home with a technical manual on my deck when the sun is out!

Yes, it's snobby. If your kids like the other kids, let them play.

Can you explain this a little further. I am trying to understand how you know that the mothers 'want' their kids to be nerds.

Hmm, I have trouble believing that the parents used the word "nerds" which has a negative connotation -- but perhaps they used it to compare it to the other groups they are concerned about.

I was popular, good student, did some risky things that were common for popular kids my age, etc. But I'm concerned when parents try to encourage being popular this way or that way because that can lead to trouble. I've seen it. "Go along with the popular kids to get along" can mean being mean to other kids to make yourself look better. Distance from nerds? You are worried about that? Don't you have other groups to be more concerned about like the ones who do drugs, are into free sex or sexting, juvenile crimes. You're not being a snob, you might be a little bit too concerned about your kids' popularity instead. At least, that's what I'm picking up on my antennae.

I wouldn't characterize you as a snob, but I think you are being short sighted on what would be best in the long run for your children. Learning, the desire to learn, and intelligence combined with non academic activities does NOT necessarily brand a child as a NERD.

Without "meaning" to, I think you have stereotyped some of the children and their parents in your neighborhood. It's perfectly OK for you to distance yourself from people with whom you feel you have little in common. They most likely feel the same about you.

Blessings.....

Maybe they have a very different definition of the word nerd than you do. You are thinking of someone who has no friends and is socially awkward. They are probably thinking they want their kids to be academic, hang out with the smart kids, be good at math/computers (bc let's face it you can get some awesome jobs if you can program etc.) and be kind (there is a stereotype of the jock crowd being mean to the more sensitive kids). If you like these other parents and kids otherwise, just don't worry about it and enjoy hanging out with them. No one can foresee what their child will be like but you can encourage certain interests if they enjoy doing those things (chess club, playing violin, building robots, doing science camp). My hubby and I were both "science nerds" growing up but we both had tons of friends and still do! He is a physicist and is very passionate about his job (he is in charge of instruments up on the gps satellites and also does cool lightning research). I am a biologist and have gotten to do the coolest things ever in life...going out in the ocean studying whales, etc...I feel very lucky. I think you are very right in that you can be both smart and popular, but perhaps these other parents were picked on in school or had a bad experience of some kind. Just ignore their talk of nerdy vs. popular. It's a weird conversation to have in the first place!

I am not understanding your issue. How do they express this apparent desire to have their kids be "nerds"? What does that look like?
Edited to clarify: Okay, so what does that mean to THEM when they say they "want their kids to be nerds"?

Why do you need to worry about what "direction" your kids go in? Follow their lead and be happy with whoever they are.

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I don't think it's snobby, but I do think it's kind of weird. I'm guessing by your description that your definition of a nerd is a kid who is smart, but also doesn't have a lot of friends. If all of these kids are hanging out together, then they wouldn't be able to be considered nerds, correct? I don't think there's anything wrong with pushing your kids a bit into the academic realm of nerdiness, but you also have to listen to your children & see who they are as people & what they naturally gravitate towards. My son could totally be considered a nerd if all you looked at were his academic scores, but in actuality, he also plays baseball & video games & has a ton of friends. No pushing needed on my part at all, it's just who he is. You can't decide what popularity group your kids are going to fall into unless you homeschool.

what is a nerd? to understand your question you need to define that for us.

generally, if you try to control the type of kid your children hang out with it will either not work or completely backfire on you. with all due respect, you do sound a bit like a snob.

good luck with the "in" crowd (and remember many of the most amazing, wealthy, intelligent, innovative, creative and motivated people in our history were nerds/geeks when they were young).

Maybe they're using the term a little tongue in cheek? Noone wishes their child to be a socially and physically awkward outcast, destined to be a wallflower, lonely, and picked on. But there's the whole "geek chic" thing now that is actually kinda cool (though the geek in me gets annoyed when I see it spelled "sheek", lol). There's the little fad with Kanye, Mraz, those American Idol kids, etc running around in square fake glasses, etc....and of course there's the idea that they focus more on school than on sports and end up getting the good financing for college and end up sporting the good rides and good house with the good school district. That's what I would take it as. I seriously doubt these ladies are making their children watch Revenge of the Nerds marathons and teaching them to snort when they laugh or whatever it is you associate with "nerds".
As for your actual question: are you being snobby. Um, yeah. If I were in the conversation I'd just laugh and say pay attention to the CONTEXT of what they were saying, but if you can't figure it out, then ASK what they mean by nerdy, and why. Just converse rather than make assumptions that you keep to yourself. And the snobby, kinda strange part, is this: you think their children may become nerds so you are steering your children away from them? That's quite funny. If you truly weren't wanting to encourage your children to be popular / nerdy, then you'd just let the children play with whoever they want to. My son is a kind, compassionate, smart, engaging, good looking, funny, friendly, athletic child, he's popular in his little pre-K class and he's had 4 little girls in different places with little crushes on him, so I'm not concerned with his social life. I enrolled him in physical activities like swimming, soccer, and horse back riding quarterly, and kung fu permanently (or until he tells me otherwise). I was assistant coach in soccer and we practice his kung fu and lots of balancing exercises 7 days a week. HOWEVER we do a lot more "work" and play on his reading, Spanish, number recognition since he's got the counting down, and handwriting. He can be friends with whoever he plays well with. If he doesn't enjoy them because they don't have the same interests, it will just sort of dissolve on its own. If he thinks they're "weird" or vice versa, it will dissolve, on its own. As his mom, I will instruct him on social "rules" like we don't grunt or nod heads at adults, we speak clearly and say "Yes please" or "No thank you", you will never ever do kung fu on a child in the playground unless there is no adult to help you and you can't get away from a bully, you will play with people nicely and treat them how you would want to be treated or you will go home, if old people or pregnant women need a place to sit, you get up without being told....those kinds of things. If questions come up, I will lead him and see what HE feels is right to do (if a kid falls down and cries, what do you feel to do? if a new person comes and wants to join in a game, what do you think would be good? etc). But picking your child's friends is......silly, at best. There are reasons for children to steer clear of others, but it would be for things like "he makes bad choices like playing with a lighter", or "he bullies you and doesn't want to play nicely". But "they might be nerds later" is um.......Well, what do you think? :)

Maybe these Moms are just sort of wishing.... you know just hoping when they are teens they spend all their time studying not partying... but knowing they cant really control it.. maybe they regret how they spent their teen years and are hoping for the opposite!

Did these mothers actually use the term "nerd"?

I think its okay to distance you and your kids from people who don't have similar values, as long as you you aren't mean and disrespectful when you are around them. And one thing you have to realize - we all have to learn to get along w/all kinds of people at some point in our lives.

I wouldn't worry about it. Let them play and have fun for now. As they get into middle school and junior high they'll begin choosing their friends differently. For now, let them play with the neighborhood kids. Makes things easier for you!

We live out in the country, so no neighborhood kids for us. Guess I'm a little jealous!

If the kids enjoy each other let them play. Kids will soon choose who they want to be with and who they want to avoid. I agree with you I don't want to label my child at all. She will either be nerdy, a jock or snooty, hopefully not snooty. :) As parents it's good to expose them to all types of people so this may be a good lesson on the type of people they shouldn't become. I can tell you I had neighborhood friends from age 4 to 10. I have no idea what they are doing now because at 10 we all went our separate ways. The friends they have now will more than likely not be their friends much longer so I wouldn't worry about it.

I don't understand. Have you concluded that they want them to be nerds by their behavior or have they outright said "I want my kid to be a nerd"?

Maybe saying they want their kids to be nerds is their way of saying they want them to be "geeks", in other words, book smart and do well in school, be studious, read a lot, etc... They could just be using it as an expression.

Also, growing up I had MANY different kids of friends. I think it is narrow-minded and possibly ignorant to expect that your kid will only be friends with people like them. It is okay for a "nerd" to friends with a "non-nerd". If the kids like each other, don't break up the friendship just cause the moms said something weird about wanting them to be nerds...

Even if those children do become nerds (like Bill Gates) why would you not let your kids play with them?

I think there are several different definitions of nerd-one would be the classic 'pocket protector' type nerd always spoofed on TV. The other would be the incredibly smart, technologically and mathamatically advanced person that willmost likely excel far beyond the "popular' kids that you speak of. This nerd is well spoken, well read, well travelled and knows a little bit about everything and is not afraid to pursuit their interests-no matter how out of the mainstream they may be. I am ecnouraging my children to become this type of nerd. They play chess, read the classics, adore star wars and HP, go to physics and biology camp in the summer along with baseball and soccer. I would never ever dream of making them feel 'uncool' because they excel at certain things that the 'popular' kids and their parents have decided are uncool. I have instructed both my boys to point out how "cool" the kid who would pick on them for their interests will be when they are serving my sons fries some day.

Oh-and they are probably looking down on you as uch as you are looking down on them. I have no respect for parents who steer their children to only 'cool' interests.

what is your definition of "nerd"?

You say you were in the popular crowd - so what?! You are labeling the children instead of letting them be children!!

Are these people teaching their children
how to steal?
how to be disrespectful?
are they making them wear button up shirts and black framed glasses?
pocket protectors?
are they teaching them about computers and networking?!

Seriously - you are being a snob...sorry...let them be kids. don't stereo type or classify someone....LET THEM BE KIDS!!

Let them just play and enjoy being a kid.

My question is what are you defining as nerdy? Do these mothers want their children to be good at school? dDo they want their children to be scientific or artistic rather than athletic? What is bothering you about the difference between your expectations and theirs? All of us have a concept about who our children will be, and the children may or may not accept that concept as they grow and mature. The fact that you are worried about "nerdy" children indicates that you have some issues you need to resolve before your children choose who or what they want to be. Your job as their mother is not to mold who they are, but to support them in where their talents and ablities take them.

Nerd/geek mom of three adult men.

YES

I concur with mrslavallie.

Not necessarily. I've kept my kids from playing with the neighborhood kids because of their attitude and they way they interacted and treated my kids. It's just not worth the drama and pain. If you see issues, I'd do the same thing.

Do they actually say they want their kids to be a "nerd"? Wow, that is some neighborhood you live in. I have heard parents say they want their kids to be very successful and smart but I've never heard they want them to be a nerd. My kids are very smart. My older two are in high school, with A GPA, my son maintained a 4.0 CGPA last year, while being involved in a lot, athletic in 3 sports, band, and popular... so is he a nerd? I think the word "nerd" maybe be a little misleading too, I know a lot of "popular" kids be called nerds because they are smart, and I don't see anything wrong with it...

Looks and popularity will fade as they get older. I want my kids to be smart so they can excel in life. I don't sign my kids up for math and science camps, but if that were something they wanted to do, I would. I'd rather my kid be labeled as a nerd than "most popular"...

So to answer your question, if you are separating from these people because they want their kids to be smart and you want yours to be popular, yes, that is snobbish, especially if your kids like playing with them... Now if you kids don't like these kids or what they are doing then no, just not the same interest....

I think I get what those moms are saying (without being there)...goes along with what everyone else is saying about wanting a successful kid that stays out of trouble. I would prefer that too! I was also popular in school, but really don't give a hoot if my son is or not.

I agree w/Michelle...what is it about these future goals that precludes the possibility that the kids could play together?

Is it really the moms you don't necessarily want to hang out with?

All of our kids have different skills that will lead them down different paths. I don't understand why that means they can't be friends.

I would want my kids to excel in their areas of strength while also developing the skills to get along with EVERYONE, not just those in "their circle". That's a life skill that will assist them in every other area, to say nothing of eventual networking opportunities, etc., so it's worth working it into their lives now.

If it's the moms who annoy you, just refuse to engage in discussion about those things. Don't "bite" when they throw things out there. I think THAT's where I'd put the distance, not between the kids, unless you're seeing unhealthy comparisons or condescending attitudes arising.

Is it possible that your neighborhood friends were talking about "raising a GEEK" (Genuine, Enthusiastic, Empowered Kid)? This is a very topical philosophy from a book, "Bringing Up Geeks: How to Protect Your Kid's Childhood in a Grow-Up-Too-Fast World" by Marybeth Hicks.

This GEEK philosophy centers upon how parents can protect their children’s innocence while teaching thoughtfulness, critical thinking skills, proper behavior and spirituality to better help them navigate childhood obstacles (peer pressure, pop culture and ubiquitous media input) and pave the road for healthy, engaged adulthood.

Any chance this might have been it?

I think the term is "geek". Computer smart, book worm or whatever. I married a geek after dating popular jocks my entire life. They certainly make good husbands. As for your children, it sounds like you are worried about things that you cannot control. You don't mention the ages of your kids, but I am with the geek crew. My children have no idea what words like popular, fat, skinny, attractive, Etc mean. I don't want my daughter to think that how she acts and looks matters. I spent my high school cheer leading life always worried about what people thought of me. It got me nowhere.

Ask yourself what YOU will get out of your children being "cool", instead of geeky. Is it about what you will look like to other parents? Oh, look at Jane! Her kids are so cool!". Eh? I think it's a tat bit shallow to feel the way you do.

I think that you're just too hung up on the terminology of "nerd." Do you even know what they mean when they're saying what they're picturing for their children? How do you know that their goals for their children don't mesh with your own goals and values?

Are you thinking Ercole from Family Matters who was socially inept, wore horribly ugly glasses, wore the ugliest clothes he could find, and spoke in a nasally and unattractive voice? Because if you are, you're buying into the nerd stereotype and terminology.

If you're buying into a child having to be popular to be successful, just remember that school is only a microcosm. Being popular and successful in school, no matter how intelligent, isn't a guarantee that one will be well liked and popular in college or out in the work force. And even nerds can be social and popular.

I want my kids to be whatever the become. I hope that they have success in school and with friends. Hopefully they will fall somewhere like their dad and me:

Dad: total Jock, but totally brainiack to. He was a friend to everyone and would help anyone and everyone at anytime, but also hung out with the "popular" group for the most part. He wore his letterman jacket proud and was a 4H pig showman on the weekends. Very well rounded.

Me: total Book worm and super smart (so says hubby). I was into everything to do with scholastics. I had friends from all walks of life and kind of mingled in the middle. I played bball and was School mascot, but also was in GATE and leadership.

I don't think that either one of us fit the mold of any particular "group" and we were perfectly happy in that. I hope my children are too!

Why would you want to create some distance from these kids if they are nice kids and your kids enjoy their company? If these Moms actually SAY to you they are trying to shape their kids into a certain social label, I would think that odd, and try to steer the conversation someplace else. I don't like labels. I would only intentionally create some distance if I saw some really bad behavior in their kids, or the friendship dynamic was very stressful on my own kids. Otherwise, let the kids decide how much they want to play with the neighbor kids.

Yes. Popularity comes and goes but confidence, personal development and self-esteem are forever. Sure, your daughter might be popular in grade school, but what's going to happen when one fickle little queen bee rallies all of your daughter's friends against her when she's in eighth grade?

Personally, I look at how all the little princes and princesses with whom I was raised are doing now and I laugh and laugh and laugh. So much for those real-estate and high finance big shots in this economy, and many of their marriages failed. Meanwhile, the "nerdy" kids I grew up with are the ones being interviewed on public radio about medical research they're doing or their classical music compositions. So, there you go. They might be nerds, but you could do a lot worse.

Bravo to...mrslavallie!!!

Great answser!!!

I is this serious talk? Are they sending their kids to Space Camp or Science Camp all sessions offered, or is this just talk Moms tend to engage in about their kids? I know everything we say has some truth in it but it maybe just talk or the latest trend in you area. Anyway, I don't think there is anything wrong with either your wants or your friends wants regarding your children. You want the best for your child and as humans we have a tendency to want to define that. That's fine, just don't allow that to be an excuse to deter your child from being who they are meant to be.

I really have trouble understanding how you mean by 'nerdy'...perhaps you could be more clarifying in 'how' you mean by "making them nerdy"? Do you mean like making the boys have 'comb over' hairstyles & making the kids wear certain types of clothes, like Polo's & khaki pants to school? Or making them wear plastic framed glasses instead of contacts? How exactly do you mean? It'd really help in trying to give you a better reply.