12 Year-old Hates Himself

Sounds like he is feeling alone in the world and needs some one on one time with mom. Take him clothes shopping and get him a haircut, work with him on cleaning his room and help him get organized with his room. Helping him to recreate his looks and his space at home using his creativity will boost his self-esteem. Take him out for breakfast alone and talk with him; ask him what's up and how can you help make things better. He may reach out to you. Sounds like he needs to get involved in a good hobby that he enjoys, maybe even do some volunteer work in an area he enjoys...maybe there is a science club in the area with other boys like him. If you can afford it, look into a cool summer camp together where he can enjoy science and meet new people. He may also need to see the family doctor for some depression medication to bring him back...not an uncommon problem with early teenagers. Good luck!

Hi A.,
We recently with through this with my 13 yr old step son. Very, very similar. His hair was so gross because he either didn't wash it, or didn't rinse, I'm never sure. He prides himself in being what he calls "geeky" or "nerdy" He sometimes just seems uncomfortable in his own skin. However, that is all starting to slowly change. He is showering on his own, he is starting to take pride in his appearance and he even seems to be making new friends. I don't think he'll ever be a neat freak, or a social butterfly, but he is slowly discovering WHO he really is and how he fits into this crazy world. It has to be hard, for my son and yours, to have two different homes and families. We really work at all getting along (I'd rather not deal with his mom, but she or the kids have no idea that's the case) Recently, I got him a card and let him know how proud I was of him (for nothing in particular) and what a great young man he was. I told him that I knew there would be times in his life when he might need to talk and I'd be there (without judgement) when/if that time comes. And I let him know that I love him more that he'll ever know. Maybe your son finding something like that under his pillow before he goes to sleep might be a good thing. Oh, speaking of which, this may sound corny but I saw on Oprah (don't tell him that) a few years ago something about keeping a journal. One for regular daily things, but a second one - just "my favorite things" and write down 2 of your favorite things that happened that day. It could be an A on a test, or watching the squirrels play. I do this for my own little guy and plan to start as soon as he can tell me what he wants to write in it. Good luck to you, A.. It's tough to see your kids unhappy in any way, but know that you are doing a great job and some things he just has to sort out in his own way. God Bless.

If you're afraid it has to do with his father coming back on scene, then chances are, you're right in your concern.

I would imagine that his father returning - your son may have set himself up for a big expectation. His father would return, be so sorry for missed times, think his son was awesome, want to do all sorts of "real" father-son stuff, etc. Is this happening?

Because, if not, then I imagine your son's reaction to it not happening is thinking "I suck." Not showering and not using soap when he used to sounds like depression to me.

And if he admits that he thought his dad would be all "Oh, wow, my son, my son, I love you so" and he's not - it sounds stupid and emotional and lame. And what 12-year old wants to admit that?

And seeing that you would like for your son to be able to speak with a counselor privately tells me that you are willing to consider, unlike some parents, that you aren't the end all be all in your son's life, which is important and really commendable. It doesn't sound like he'd be dealing very well if you threw your ego into the mix at this point.

And maybe his dad's returning on scene does make your son suddenly resent his step-dad - feeling that if he weren't there, you might get back together with his real dad. That's a fantasy most kids never give up - unfortunately.

Maybe you've been a great mom and have made it a point never to say anything bad to your son about his father - maybe it's working against you, now? If his father is a "great guy" but still isn't all into frequent bonding with his son - then "obviously" there's something wrong with your son - from your son's point of view anyway.

I would switch to a counselor where your son can speak privately - and tell him. However best you can express it - "Kiddo, I love you and after knowing you for 12 years, I know you're hurting and it hurts me that I can't stop it. I feel as though you have things you'd like to say but maybe you think I'd be angry or that (step-dad) would be angry... I want you to go to a new counselor where you can say whatever you feel and not have to worry about what we'll say or think. The counselor will probably tell us some stuff but it'll be all watered down... (use an extreme example) like if you say, "Sometimes I hate my mom" then the counselor will tell me that you get angry with me sometimes..."

So - I'd switch counselors, explain why, while you're at it, remind your son, if you can, why you and his father split up without blaming or finger-pointing but kind-of "as much as it hurts, sometimes people just don't get along... doesn't mean one person is awful and the other is an angel..." and remind him that there's times when we do things we don't want to or don't feel like it just because it needs to be done - like showering with soap and cleaning up our room... starting now.

God bless you,

E.

A.,

This sounds a great deal like my son who is just turning 18. He began the same behaviors as you have described when he was in 6th grade. I too, took him to counseling. And if you find the right counselor, they will let them have private sessions eventually. They do prefer the parent there for the beginning sessions just to make sure that the child is going to be okay. I took my son to Dr. Cathy Gaw at the Willoughby Hills, Cleveland Clinic.

Does he have contact with his father? It sounds like he may have a major problem with his father and is expressing it the only way he can. Either something was said to him by his father or harsh feelings towards his father, maybe even a feeling of abandonment. The only thing that you can do is to let your son know multiple things: 1 - you love him no matter what. 2 - if he continues on this path of uncleanliness, he will eventually loose his friends and will be made fun of. 3 - you don't want to be a grump or a nag, but a loving parent that he can talk to. And most of all 4 - you will be there for him. Set aside an hour every other day or every day just to talk about him. Not about other things, push the issue if you have to. You have to find out why he is hurting, what has caused it before you can help him deal with it.

My son, had a lot of issues with his father. Today they can spend time together and then my son and I can talk about anything that he wants to, his father, or even sex. I feel that in some manners, I have taken the duties of his father in explaining sex to him and other items. I know that you are re-married, but how is your new husbands relationship with your son?

Just for a piece of mind ... my son has just started in the past year to keep his room and his hygiene at a better level. He has decided what he wants in life and last week swore into the Army. I think that this will help him with a lot of issues that he still has, but he has improved a great deal. So there is hope. Just don't give up on him. You will go through some rough times with him, it will not all be roses, but the end result will be worth it.

Just remember, he is your son, and he trust you. Give him your love and understanding.

Children at this age, need that. I use to work at a children's social service agency for 6 years and I have experienced a great deal with them, so give it your all and stand by him. Your relationship with him will grow.

Good Luck, and keep plugging away.

E. M

I have friends whose son started displaying the same type of behavior you described. It turned out to be a combination of depression, drugs, and puberty. By the time he was 13, he was doing hard drugs.

It is not my intention to be an alarmist, but might be worth considering, even if it's just to rule out the possiblity your son is into something he shouldn't be.

Best of luck to you.

I would not say your son is probably any different than any other (soon to be) teenager. My son's rooms are awful and there are times they have to miss some event to clean them up. My sons also watch Disney and the Discovery channel. Never thought much of that. He is trying his limits I would say and is trying to discover who he is. I am glad you are in counseling and maybe some of this does have to do with his dad or even step-dad. If this were my son (which I also did around 12-13 yr old) I would take him to counseling with his own child psychiatrist. My son was very quiet and did whatever he was told so worked us in other ways such as the way he dressed, his grades dropped, etc. Today he is such a good kid, 21 and a father which I wasn't real happy about but there is hope for you and your son. Good luck and don't give up on him, that's the main thing. Let him know you're there for him through thick and thin. You'll never regret it.

A.,

Books, bugs and the Discovery channel are great! I'm no expert, but lack of personal hygiene, wearing favorite (if dirty) clothes, and general bedroom a la trashdump is normal for teenage boys. Try not to put too much pressure on him. This is the time he is trying to establish independence. His room may not bother him at all or it may feel so completely overwhelming that he feels defeated before he starts. See if you can help him, do it together, maybe chat or listen to music to make it less of a chore. Not sure how to lure him into the shower--my brother had that avoidance when he was a teen, too. Thank goodness he outgrew it. Does your son know how to do laundry? Let him know he can wear the same clothes every day if he wants, as long as he washes them every X days, with sock & underwear changes daily.

Hopefully, if you let him develop some autonomy and don't stress too much, he will at least go with the flow.

Best wishes,
K.

I don't think your child necessarily hates himself. I think he is just rebelling to the situation. The only thing he really has control over is himself, therefore he's acting out by not showering. As far as his room goes, have you thought of giving him a reward for cleaning his room? Like something HE enjoys. Maybe take him to Kosi in Columbus. It's a science museum. Plus, it's probably a good idea for you two to spend some quality time alone together doing something he enjoys doing. I also think it's really important for you to encourage him to be himself. Don't not allow him to do something because other kids his age don't do it. It's okay for him to be into bugs and reading. If that is him and that is what brings him joy right now, you should encourage it. As long as he is not hurting himself or someone else. There are other little kids into the same things, you just have to seek out the right situations for him to meet others with the same interests.

Hi A.,

I don’t have any experience with this, so I am hoping someone who does will have some better advice for you than I do. But I would start by looking for a different location for counseling that will let him have some one on one time with the councilor. There has to be some place that will allow that, at 12, that doesn’t seam un-reasonable. Also, have you tried to find activities he would be interested in where he could make some friends with his interests? Like the Cosi camps, or some other science type camp or activity? Maybe he could find someone with similar likes if you put him in something like that. It sounds like a close friend might help the situation.

I'm a little confused about why the counselor would require you or your husband to be present. unless it is specifically a marriage and family therapist, this is pretty unusual. If it's an individual counselor for him, i would enquire about this policy - because i am positive that adolescents can and should be able to meet with a counselor alone.
Also - it sounds obvious - but have you tried expressing your concern to him and seeing if he will talk about what's going on. If he won't (which is not uncommon) it still may help for him to know that you are concerned and to let him know that if he does want to talk at some point - you're available.

That doesn't sound like self-hatred to me. It sounds like typical pre-teen boy stuff! Rebellious behavior may have to do with the issues of his dad, but I'm more apt to say it's more likely that he's just testing the waters, so to speak, to see how far he can push you.
If he doesn't want to shower, don't make him. Maybe once he starts smelling himself, he'll be repulsed enough to shower on his own. Spring break is coming up here, next week. Perfect time to test this.
But seriously, this isn't him hating himself. That's a bit extreme thinking. Do some reading on pre-teen and early teen boys. You'll find this kind of thing is pretty typical.

A.,
I would say that "he hates himself" is a bit extreme. He's 12. Pre-teens/teens do these kinds of things. You should have seen my brother's room when he was a teenager! You couldn't walk into it for anything & as for showering and his clothing...He was all "grunge." He has outgrown all of this and could be a Gap model if he wanted- very clean cut and his house is immaculate.

I would actually be happy that your son is more interested in bugs and the Discovery channel than cartoons, etc. There's a lot more violence and poor messages than what we realize in those types of things.

I don't know your son's relationship with his father, but I have a feeling this is a "normal" phase that children go through. I wouldn't rush him in for psychiatric evaluation.

Good luck!!

Hello A.. I myself have an 11 y/o and when it comes to showering and wearing clean clothes, I think it is something they all go through. I don't tollerate him not bathing or wearing clean clothes, but it is a fight. He isn' allowed to do ANYTHING until after he has put on clean clothes and bathed (if he didn't shower the night before), not even breakfast.
As for the counselor, there is no State mandate requiring you to be in the room. So, I suggest finding a diff counselor. I agree that your son will open up more if you and your husband are not in the room. Lets face it, when we were kids we surely didn't tell our parents EVERYTHING.
As for the tv shows, I have no ideas. Except I am jealous b/c my 11 y/o thinks he should be able to watch Adult TV. Best Wishes.

Hi A.!

I'd have to agree with the others and say to switch therapists. I work at a pysch practice, and numerous children are seen by themselves here. I know how hard it is to build trust and build a relationship with a new therapist, but I think it would be for the better.

I don't want to sell the place where I work, but if you need a place to start, we have lots of teenage patients, along with 3 male therapists. One is even pretty young (mid thirties) who's worked with teenage boys with depression. We also have a "cool" female therapist who's pretty "hip" with the younger ones (she's got spikey bleach, blonde hair and purple contacts).