10 Yr Old Step Daughter Afraid to Come for Visits.

Thats ashame. I agree thats too many choices for a kid with anxiety. Unless there was a valid reason why my daughter didn't want to see her dad there wouldn't be a choice. Has she tried counsleling?
What are the diferences in home enviorment? Is there much more noise with the little kids? Does she have to share more attention? Are you more strict? Is there yelling? I would tyr and make the rules similiar in both homes and punnishments similar. Could you make it really fun one week and get a babysitter and have some one on one time with her, or maybe her dad can?

Frrankly, I am concerned that this anxiety may turn into a full-blown Agoraphobia since she is most comfortable with M., and the house.

She can't stay at any friends for sleepovers, or anything..... at 10, she needs to learn how to deal with the anxiety or it will become all-consuming.

This can also lead to school anxieties, and such... I'm not saying it is in her head, but until she can get her anxiety under control, possibly with medication, she may become a prisoner of her own fears. The anxiety is a chemical imbalance, and there is nothing she can do to control it.

Have you discussed this with your pediatrician? This girl is only 10, I can imagine that once puberty hormones kick into full gear this may get a lot worse and your SD may look forward to dealing with full blown anxiety disorder. A counselor is usually a good start, but given that he has not actually seen and evaluated her, he can only give blanket recommendations.
From what you write, given that she has other anxiety issues, your DH and his Ex need to come together and come up with a plan to help her before it gets any worse. By that I mean not only help her be less afraid of staying with you, but also get her full blown psychiatric help.
Good luck

Your home is not where she gets her security. Her security is tied to her mother and her mother's home. Forcing to her come is going to backfire because as soon as she is old enough to put her foot down and make choices, you won't see her again. She probably does have a problem being 1 of 4 in your home.

I am raising my GD. Her mother have five children. Three of them live with her; one GD with me; one GD with the other grandmother. My GD tried to go back and live with her mom about a year ago. It didn't work. She is not used to being 1 of 4 and it just didn't work for her. She loves her mom and her siblings, but her home is with us; her security is with us.

It sounds like you have the same situation going on. I wouldn't push her. When she gets older, she'll come on her own because she wants to come. Again, forcing her will backfire.

I think that unfortunately you (plural) gave a child too much control and didn't resolve the issue, just bandaided it. If she's seeing you at all, you are doing better than some families where the kids refuse to come, period.

I would work with her on what will help her without feeding into it. I think a legit fear has turned into control. What kind of coparent is her mom? Do the parents communicate effectively? Rather than say, "What do you want to do?" Say, "Would you like one of Dad's shirts or would you like the lights on?" Give her solutions she can pick but that you can live with.

poor kiddo. i think the weekend is a good way to start. have her bring a project that you and her can do. reassure her that daddies home is a safe place too. maybe let her pick the weekend she comes. then after a few months of only 1 weekend a month up it to two. tell big brother no more scary movies lol.

On one hand I want to tell you to let hubby decide about this and that he needs to tell ex wife that she must follow the court order to the letter and the child must be ready at XXXpm and she will be back at XXXpm when the visit is over. Then just do it and deal with the issues as they come up. She has way way way too much control. She is a child and she is keeping these fears and anxieties alive because everyone is making out like they are a big deal.

On the other hand I have suffered with anxiety and know how real the fears are. But I can honestly tell you that one day we were sitting in traffic and I had a panic attack. I was nuts of course and hubby started trying to pull out of the left turn lane to move over to the right lane so we could get out of traffic. He looked and me and said "NO!". Finally he had enough. He said it again "NO!!! I am not putting myself through this, the light will turn green in a minute or two and we will be able to get out of this traffic jam but I am not going anywhere right now". I accepted this and almost instantly I was calm inside. I think I started reading and forgot we were stuck in 5pm traffic in Dallas and had been at that intersection for about 10 minutes trying to turn left with the light.

Sometimes just making a person with anxiety face their fears is the way to go.

Sometimes cutting the losses and being done is good too. I would not give up on a child and especially a family member. I would just take my control back and force the issue if the psychologist is on board for the way to do it.

It sounds like she is scared. Have you talked to her about why she is uncomfortable? I asked my son why are you scared? or what is making you scared? he said it was too quiet in his room. We used a space heater in his room durring the cold months and he got use to falling asleep to the noise. same space heater has a fan option. problem solved. ... for awhile.

my son is four and recently an older friend told him about zombies, there are commericals about zombies and toys. you cant escape the stupid zombie craze. its super annoying even on disney channel kids are dressing up like zombies. we try to explain to him that zombies arent real and its just people dressing up like zombies. he gets scared and wants to sleep with us. lucky for me he has a two twin beds so on the nights he is being scared i will sleep on the other bed till i wake in the middle of the night. or some nights i just cant take it anymore and know that in a few hrs i have to start my day. i firmly tell him to get in bed, go to sleep and dont get out of bed till i come get you in the morning. that works! he falls asleep.

does she need a night light, a little cross in her room, prayers for angels? find out exactly what is going on in her mind and it might be a quick fix???? hopefully .

If she is not anxious at her mom's house, I would look at what is different between your home and her mom's home. Where is her bedroom positioned in relation to mom's/dad's/brother's? What is her routine like or how is it disrupted? Keep talking to her about what is different about your house and what would make her happy there. Perhaps at her mom's the brother is less likely to terrorize her? What kind of pressure does he put on her? Maybe she is looking for a break from him -- is it possible you can try them visiting at alternate times for a couple weeks and see if that helps?

Like Michelle M., I also wondered about your comments on the brother. What do you mean when you say he "puts pressure on her"? How exactly did the brother "let" her see some frightening thing on YouTube "accidentally"? Your use of the quotation marks around that last word indicate you know it was no accident. Do you think he bullies her to do what he says? Does he live in her mother's home with her all the rest of the time she's not with you? Do you have or know of other issues with this boy and his behaviors toward younger kids? I would get that sorted out and as Michelle says -- maybe be sure that visiting you is a break from him and he is not with you at the same time she is there.

Is the girl, herself, in any counseling? Going by what your own counselor said is OK, but I wonder if she has generalized anxiety that reaches beyond the issue of home visits. She sounds as if she might have problems with changes and with making transitions; she might also be jealous of the younger kids, or feel that when she's at your house she is the "odd one out" (at her age, no matter how hard you try to include her, she may feel left out because at 10, kids sometims just cannot re-set their feelings no matter what adults do to reassure them). She may even be at a stage where she is keenly aware that many of her friends have parents who are not divorced and siblings who are not younger half-siblings -- in other words, 10 is an age when kids really begin to realize how their family is different from other kids' families, and though many, many blended families exist now, she may be pining for some ideal she has in her head.

All that points to possibly getting her some counseling of her own to find out the roots of her anxiety.