Problem with 10 yo girls. My dd sits with two other neighbors on the ride to school on bus (Evelyn and Sara).
They are all in 4th grade at the same school but in different classes. The neighbor across the street "Evelyn" has been very mean to my dd lately. She's taunting my dd by telling my dd to give her ipod, then telling her she's mean when she won't do it, telling her she likes "Sara" better than her, running away from my dd when she's talking to her, insulting her clothes, etc.
I told my dd to sit with someone else...she doesn't want to because she still wants to sit with Sara, but Evelyn insists on sitting in the middle and tells my dd that "Sara" belongs to her. Uggghh... I don't know if it matters but Evelyn is much bigger than my dd who is the second to smallest in her class...she may intimidate her a little.
Evelyn lives across the street, so we can't get away from her...I've thought about just driving my dd to school, but she absolutely wants to ride the bus.
My question is ...Do I let the kids just work it out or should I tell Evelyn's mom that the girls are having problems? My dd is very sensitive and is literally losing sleep at night over her treatment by Evelyn. My dd has already decided that she doesn't want to play with Evelyn anymore, but they have mutual friends at school and on the bus...so my dd has to face her.
I would stay out of it
I have no idea what Jo W meant by 's. some people have a hard time sticking to the topic!
It sounds like she is doing a good job of figuring out how to deal with it on her own. My daughter had similar issues last year with a family on our street (bully family) and I talked to the mom. It didn't do a whole lot of good, but she knew I was on to them. My daughter had told this girl to leave her alone over and over, and she wasn't leaving her alone. So I step in when my daughter asks for help.
How close are you to Evelyn's mom? That could change my answer too. If you guys are friends or friendly, I'd say something. If not really, I'd let my daughter keep handling it.
I also think this is VERY typical behavior of girls this age...from what I'm gathering from my 9 year old daughter. They have to learn how to manuever in this hormone filled world...but you can absolutely guide her and give her advice to make it easier.
Added: My daughter was having a problem with a mean girl at dance too. She just wouldn't leave my daughter alone, always bossing everyone, getting things wrong and blaming everyone else, etc. I told my daughter the next time this girl started in on her, to tell her to shut up and walk away. I heard her mom tell her daughter to do this last year to another girl. It worked!! She learned that my daughter no longer cared what she said and now they get along great. Go figure!
At 10 yrs old, they are going through a lot of emotional and hormonal changes. They are also determining the pecking order.
Our theory at this age when there were sqabbles for a attention from a certain girl in the group and one felt left out was to look at it this way......... the girls are basically like rough rocks and the more they interact together and work out their own issues, the smoother they become.
Our daughter is 18 and the ONLY time we stepped in was when she was threatened at school (age 16) and we involved the police. We DID NOT go to the other girl's parents because most of the time "per the police" the parent you go to, no matter how nice they are, will deny that their angel bothers yours and then flip it back to your responsibility and things gets worse. The other parents don't do that when they are looking at documentation and proof of threats, quotes, etc presented to them by the police.
Encourage your daughter to stand up for herself. Empower her to know that it is ok to speak up to the bigger girl. Once she shows that she is not afraid and has some power, the bigger one will most likely back down.
Be there to listen to your daughter and be ready to step in if necessary and if she asks you. It sounds like your daughter is managing it on her own. I know as a mom, I was the angry one because someone was being that way to my daughter. My daughter handled it much more beautifully than I did....
Let's face all kids, particularly girls, go through this stuff. This will not be the last time she has to deal with a controlling, mean girl. Hands down the very best strategy for our family has been to find other friends. Some girls crave drama, their whole universe is hinged on control, manipulation and DRAMA.
My daughters just don't play into it. If someone is treating them poorly they find someone else to hang out with. It's like magic, the minute a girl shows strength and does her own thing the "ringleader" can't stand it. Practice what to say with her when this stuff starts up and don't be afraid for her to be harsh and direct. Then she just walks away and finds other friends. It's not easy but very effective, you can feel the power shift as other girls see they don't have to put up with it either.
My youngest is in fifth grade this year and the mean girls have formed their own group with constant drama and fighting. My kid on the other hand has become quite popular as being the girl who doesn't put up with the drama and sticks up for what she thinks is right. I couldn't be prouder and it has given her a huge boost of confidence.
Sometimes the hardest things in life get us to a better place. Teach her to stand up for herself, it's an important life skill!
Here's what happened when the neighbor across the street decided he needed to establish his "rep" by trying to pick fights with my son, who was a head taller, a grade higher, and twice as strong as this twit. (sorry). My son's friends turned on their cell phones and recorded what was going on, including the kid threatening to get all his friends together to beat up my son. My son wasn't worried about THIS kid hurting him, but it was stressful to think that he might get waylaid by a group. And because my son is strong and athletic, he knows that just by taking up for himself, he might actually hurt that kid, and then HE would be in trouble.
I went to the assistant principal and told her everything. I told her that this was the neighbor across the street and it's my opinion that I shouldn't have to go have a talk with his mother. It's the school's job to deal with it because it's on the bus. She agreed wholeheartedly. She talked to my son first, and then brought each one of my son's friends into her office and they all played their cell phones for her. THEN she called in the boy. She told him that just because the bus driver is driving the bus doesn't mean that she doesn't know what's going on in it. He was causing big problems and it was going to stop or he wouldn't be riding the bus anymore. He also had to sit in the front of the bus with the little kids for the rest of the semester. THAT was humiliation and it worked.
Then she called the mom. I'm sure the mom tried to turn it away from her son, but the asst principal told her point blank that she had heard and seen MULTIPLE videos - her son seemed to think that he could say or do anything he wanted, including shove my kid. She said that the kids on the bus were tired of this stuff. His friends got in trouble for their part in it too.
I never talked to the neighbor about it. Her kid never spoke to my son again. He got his due, a dose of humiliation, and all the kids got a valuable lesson.
This is what I would work out if I were you.
Dawn
First your use of 's put a smile on my face. :) Silly I know but its the little things.
It sounds like your daughter wants to handle it and is handling it pretty well. Since you seem to have a good line of communication going I am pretty sure if she needs your help you will tell you. So for now, let her deal with it and be proud she has those skills.
I'm not a huge believer in running to other parents because I find most kids can spin any situation in their favor. And I just don't see it as resolving the situation. In this scenario if you said something to the other mom, she may go to her daughter and have a talk to be nicer. But will that child just drop it and say ok? I would say highly unlikely. In this girls mind her friendship with Sara is being threatened by your daughter. Perhaps pointing this out or getting your daughter to come to this realization on her own may help your daughter to look for ways to try and include both of them in some way.
FYI there is a book I've read and like called "Little Girls Can Be Mean" the basis of the book is to point out/help you keep the line of communication open with your daughters and then it tells you how to talk/share with your daughter without trying to solve the problems for them. It might be worth reading! Good luck!
Hi, Sally:
Kids can't work out conflict. This is why they have parents. They teach the children how to get along.
You need to be a facilitator for this conflict.
Call the Mom and the child, your DD, and yourself together for a pow wow.
If you can get someone to facilitate the meeting that would be much better, possibly a man.
He would read these questions to the offending child:
1.What happened?
2. What were you thinking of at the time?
3. What have you thought about since?
4. Who has been affected by what you have done? In what way?
5. What do you think you need to do to make things right?
Then he would read these questions to the offending child's mom, then your child, and then you.
1. What did you think when you realized what had happened?
2. What impact has this incident had on you and others?
3. What has been the hardest thing for you?
4. What do you think needs to happen to make things right?
The person who reads the questions does not make any comments. He/She reads the questions, wait for the ansers and moves to the next one.
Good luck.
D.
Tell the mom-your child's feelings are ALL that matters.
I can't believe all the people who call this "normal behavior." Maybe all kids go through, but it is bullying. The time to stop it is before someone has real emotional harm. How many kids have killed themselves because it went on so long? Studies have shown that when this kind of thing is allowed to go on, it gets worse over time, not better. And maybe it would stop with your daughter on it's own, but the other girl will eventually pick on somebody else.
Stop it now. Don't let it get worse.
Go to the principal or vice principal.
I like Dawn's solution.
Your daughter has a right to ride the bus without being picked on.
This happened with my son and the boy up the street who are in the same grade and were assigned bus partners. The little boy taunted him and was mean for a while. Finally he taunted him and told him "go a head punch me, I don't care!" So he did. And my son was the one in trouble, not the mean little kid. You can tell the parents, but chances are they will think their daughter is the angel and yours is the problem. In our case the bus driver changed seats. The kid is still mean. But they are away from each other.
Updated
This happened with my son and the boy up the street who are in the same grade and were assigned bus partners. The little boy taunted him and was mean for a while. Finally he taunted him and told him "go a head punch me, I don't care!" So he did. And my son was the one in trouble, not the mean little kid. You can tell the parents, but chances are they will think their daughter is the angel and yours is the problem. In our case the bus driver changed seats. The kid is still mean. But they are away from each other.
I'd talk to Sara's mom about getting Sara to say she doesn't want Evelyn to treat your daughter like that. If she's not saying anything to Evelyn then perhaps she has asked Evelyn to sit between them so she doesn't have to sit with your daughter.
If Sara is wanting to sit with your daughter then both you and Sara's mom need to teach the girls how to stand united against Evelyn.
That's what Stand For The Silent is about, teaching people that there is strength in numbers and if you see someone bullying a person you should step in an stand with them so they won't be alone anymore against that bully.
IF Sara doesn't want to be friends with your daughter you have a different scenario on your hands though.
