My daughter invited her best friend to go to the zoo with us. She invited her a month ago and I talked to the mom and the mom was vague and said they might have baseball tickets for that day, but if they didn't have tickets then she could go. Well, the mom informed me that they did NOT have tickets and that her daughter was available and she'd ask her if she wanted to go to the zoo.
Meanwhile my daughter talked to her friend about going and her friend said she wanted to go, but she'd have to ask her mom. Then they went on vacation for 2 weeks so we didn't talk.
Now the zoo trip is this weekend and I just tried to confirm with the mom and the mom said that there's a block party that same day and her daughter chose to go to the block party instead.
My daughter is crushed, because we thought her friend would be coming. We had asked a MONTH ago, and the block party was never mentioned. The mom had said they were "free that weekend" because there was no baseball game, and her friend had said that she'd ask her mom.
Now, if it was my child I would not have given her choice between the block party and the zoo trip if the friend had asked first and you had told your friend that you wanted to go. I will grant that they never really CONFIRMED, and that was also kind of rude.
My daughter is sitting her crying because her best friend chose some party over spending time with her. Do I say anything to the mom? What do I say? I haven't replied to her email yet. Part of me knows it's just part of growing up and I've been mostly just trying to comfort my daughter.
Thanks Mamas! I cooled down a bit and just sent a simple "Oh, my daughter will be so disappointed, she was looking forward to spending the day with "friend." and I left it at that.
The mom and I are friends, but she is SO flighty! And it looks like she is raising her daughter to be the same way. I'm pretty sure some of you hit the nail on the head, my daughter thinks of this girl as her best friend more than the other way around. Right now we are trying to ask someone else.
In the future I think we'll just get together for playdates and skip the big stuff. Even if she did confirm ahead of time, something tells me she might still cancel at the last minute. I dislike hanging around with people like that--the ones you KNOW are going to cancel or there is a high probability they will cancel.
Thanks for the support, and I hope one of her other friends can go!
I would respond to the email saying something like, "Janie is so bummed that Suzy can't come, she was really looking forward to it. Perhaps we can plan a play date soon." I would stay on the polite side of things and just work on another get together.
Just let it go. Like you said, they never said yes.
It's the mom's decision. Just tell your daughter that it wasn't her friend's choice. That they can still be friends and do something else at some other time. Is it too late to invite another friend to the zoo?
Find the happy in this for your daughter's sake.
Edited to add: kids make plans with each other all the time - that doesn't mean that we, as parents, have to agree with them or follow them - especially if they conflict with another activity.
Oh I hate people like that.
They'll hold off to the last minute to pick and choose their best entertainment at the expense of anyone who tries to do anything with them.
It's not just kids - some adults do this too.
As hard as this is - now your daughter knows what kind of person her friend is.
Sure they can still do things together, but your daughter should back off on being too close to her because she WILL do this sort of thing again.
She should cultivate other friends and let this one wander away.
I get bit once on taking a chance with a new person, but rarely a second time because I'm much less willing to give them another opening.
Don't say anything to the Mom or the friend.
In fact, go out of you way to say absolutely as little as possible.
Try to be as unavailable as you can towards them.
Trust me - they'll never figure out why.
These people go though life seeing nothing wrong with this behavior.
I'm sorry. That wasn't very nice of your daughter's friend. You would think her Mom would not have allowed her to back out after she expressed an interest to your daughter. It's not right. If she was wavering on wanting to go, she should have been HONEST with your daughter. But it is good life lesson for your daughter. She will remember how it feels, and she will be the kind of friend who doesn't lead anyone on or ditch. Though I would be tempted like crazy to email back to the Mom how hurt your daughter is, I wouldn't respond at all. What is sad but clear is that her daughter does not want to go. You don't want her to agree to come along now because she and/or her Mom feel guilty. If I was her Mom I would have made her honor her commitment, or at the VERY least, tell your daughter HERSELF she has now decided to do something different. Her Mom is enabling her to weasel out and avoid an uncomfortable conversation. I would encourage your daughter to invite a different friend if at all possible. If not, go and have the best time as a family. There will be other friend outings. Next time she can pick someone else. I would see to it that she is inviting and seeking out other friends for awhile. Hugs to your daughter. 10 is a tough age for girls.
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Sounds like she was evasive because she did not really want to go to the zoo with your daughter, and it was just something to do if there was nothing else to do. You say this is your daughters best friend? She may have to face the fact that this girl may not (most likely does not) look at her in the same way. I would not answer the email, and in the future if you invite this girl and she can not give a solid yes or no, then say that you will have to invite someone else instead of her to be sure you have a friend who really wants to go.
I remember having "friends" like this when I was a child. This little story actually brought back a flood of memories which, for some reason, I am compelled to share. I honestly hope with my whole heart this is not happening to your daughter. I had friends who would refuse to give solid responses about events or plans. They would angle it in such a way, that if they got a "better offer" they could do that, but I would not be able to make plans with any one else. It's like they wanted a friend in reserve that was only for them, and only when they had time for it, or nothing better to do. That was a very hard painful lesson to learn at a young tender age, and it was honestly one I had to learn. You might want to keep an eye out for that type of behavior from your daughters friends so she is not always in a state of limbo followed by crushing disappointment.
This would really upset me too........ I would have a hard time letting it go. But I would be simple. What was the email she sent that you want to reply too ? I would just focus on the facts. Simple and Sweet in your Sweet way........ "My daughter got her hopes up that she was going and is absolutly crushed about her not being able to come " " I guess we mis-understood , Have fun @ the block party ."
It is my opinion that this is just the beginning of many sad events as kids tend to hurt others feelings and get their feelings hurt often. I think you should toughen up and teach your daughter a valuable life lesson here. 1. You can not control the actions of others so you have to accept the fact that sometimes people don't want to do what you want to do or that some people just are "no nice" 2. There is a possibility that the little girl doesn't want to got -and that is ok (I thik it's the Mom's fault for not being honest and direct)
Of course you would finesse the verbiage so that a 10 year old will understand but at the end of the day- I see this as a teachable moment. As for the mother, I would definitely have a brief but candid conversation with her that you understand that her daughter jas choose Another event however you would appreciate if SHE could be more considerate of the tender emotions of your daughter. You could tell her that her daughter's decision hurt you daughter's feeling and that you feel it could have been avoided.
Next time you invite anyone to anything and they and hesitant to confirm or decline-I suggest you begin to emotionally prepare your daughter for all possibilities. Most importantly don't miss this opportunity to prepare for similar situations in the future. I know you love her dearly but you don't want her to be emotionally fragile.
Wow. I know moms exactly like her and because they were not close friends, we simply are not doing anything with them ever again. I was advised to let the friendship die naturally, but my daughter figured out I was done with them and we discussed all the times they pulled stunts like this.
We are enjoying our new friends.
I did confront the worst M. and she wasn't sorry. She is a selfish, rude person and would tell you I am too sensitive. Let it go and focus on your daughter.
We have had these sorts of things happen plenty of times over the years....always irritating though. I think at some level you have to differentiate between the kind and gentle flakes and the malicious/selfish/selfabsorbed rude people. It sounds like this girl, or at least her mom, was waiting for the best offer. That's just rude. However, we have a few friends who always say things like "we can't play today, but we can play tomorrow!" when they really can't. I'm not sure if their kids have no concept of time, but my kids bounce out of bed the next day saying "we're going to play with so and so today!" and then I'm stuck explaining over and over again that Mrs. So and So is really nice, but sometimes she says things she doesn't mean, and unfortunately today is a day they can't play with us. It gets better, but it takes time. Good luck.
I had pretty much the same thing happen but my child is much younger. I was beyond livid to see my daughter so sad. I explained to her that it wasn't nice that her friend did not show up and that we do not treat others that way and that we need to always keep in mind others feelings.
I did however let the mom know exactly how I felt. The mother could tell I was upset. I think it was good to set expections of the other family if your girls will be doing things together. If they are below your expectations then you may want to limit contact or just don't count on them for anything.
We no longer spend any personal time with other family but that is okay, it is better than being treated poorly.
