5 Year Old with Low Self Esteem

How is her sleep? Her eating? Is she playing normally? Any changes in the family routine? If this is a new development, I would feel some concern--has she always been a perfectionist? What happens if you ask her to tell you three good things about herself? Can she remember positive events from each day? I would try to find out more, try to stay calm and collected when you talk to her about this, but it sounds like it could be problematic if there are no clear precipitating factors that you can find.

I'm a mom and have been a preschool teacher/director for over 25 years.

K.

J.,

when I was ini 3rd grade that was me for no apparent reason. My parents had me write on a nightly basis at least three things that I liked about myself. yeah I thought it was lame, but it helped. Self esteem is a tough issue and peat and repeat and if she writes it down it will get threw her head at some point... hope this helps you!

take care,

J. b

Hi J.,

I'm so sorry to hear that your daughter is saying these negative things about herself. Have you spoken to her teachers? It is really hard to get a straight answer out of a five year-old. Even though you are clearly a supportive mom, in your daughter's five year-old mind, she might be afraid to tell you the truth for reasons that would make no sense to anyone other than a five year-old. As you mention, she might be trying to get attention. Perhaps she heard another child at school say these things about him/herself and get attention from adults. While she certainly could be looking for attention, given the topic I think it's really important to take what she is saying seriously (perhaps behind the scenes so as not to give it so much power in her mind). You say there is a history of depression in your family. Is it possible that she overheard a relative saying these types of things about him/herself? Perhaps she is repeating something she overheard but was not actually said to her. In that case, once she no longer receives attention for this behavior, she will move on to something else. At the same time, children do experience depression and other mental health issues earlier than experts used to think. Here are some signs and symptoms of depression in kids from the Mayo Clinic:

Signs and symptoms of depression in kids
Depression is more difficult to diagnose in children because many behaviors associated with depression can also be normal in children. In evaluating a child for depression, a therapist considers the number, duration and severity of signs and symptoms.

Child's age Signs and symptoms of depression
Preschool:
Listless
Decreased interest in playing
Cries easily and more often than usual

Elementary school:
Listless and moody
More irritable than usual
Looks sad
Easily discouraged
Complains of boredom
More distant with friends and family
Difficulty with schoolwork
Talks about death

You might want to check in with your pediatrician. Also, perhaps another adult or even a teen that your child likes and trusts could find out what is going on. I would not have this person come up to your daughter and ask, but, in the course of playing, your child might say something that this other person can gently ask her about, or perhaps this person could pay your daughter a compliment, such as saying what a smart decision she made during game or whatever, and see if your daughter brings anything up.

Whatever is going on, your daughter is very lucky to have a supportive mom who is taking her situation seriously. If your child is experiencing depression, your early intervention will make a huge difference.

K.

hi J.,

i can tell you know this but do try to be more even emotionally or just the charge in your reaction can add to the drama of the thing for her and make it more enticing to keep it up (unconsciously). remember we are in these human bodies to learn lessons and perhaps she wants to learn about self-esteem or beauty in this life. the american girl catelog has some truly brilliant books for girls about everything. i highly suggest them,especially the feelings book, only 8.95. go this website and go to the books on self, etc (http://store.americangirl.com/agshop/static/books.jsf/uni...)

i am glad you truly attend to your daughter and help her find tools to deal with her feelings. thank you and blessings,

A. m

I'm a black mom, my daughter turns 5 in September. Anyway she owns black and white baby-dolls. One day I noticed her being more interested in the white baby-dolls, saying things that honestly disapointed me as a parent. She even mentioned wanting to be white, so with that said I knew I had to move swift like a new modeled 2015 porch for reall, because I myself have a name for black people with this attitude, "slave mantality", and Odyssey is way smarter than that. So what I did was...

pretended like I didn't know she was watching me sometimes and gave that black baby so much attention. I even in some play sessions said to her you can have the white baby I really enjoy being the black one because I'm black and I love myself with the most convencing smile on my face. I had too, It took two days to change my child's mind about wanting the black baby back, and wanting to be black, my method worked. My daughter can't wait to pick the black doll now and I would even see if she's being sincer about so I would say, "no I want to be the black doll" she would say "please mom you can be her next time". And I knew she would say something to that extent befor she said it (LOL). And I promise you if you stay intuned with yourself infront of your child it will change I promise I work with kids I know how they think. play games with her and she will follow your lead besides your her 1st playbuddy right now, don't you know that :) use it to your every advantage. Be calm now, my advice is win-win I promise you. It took my child 2 days I just don't know how long it will take yours, but do count them so that you can be able to share with other parents.

Our 7.5 yo son does this same thing & it started about the time he entered K. We always thought & still do think of him as very confident & self-posessed but all kids struggle w/postive attitudes of themselves. I think some it had to do w/the transition for Pre to K but he also does it when he has gotten himself into a lot of trouble & knows that we're disappointed w/him. I agree w/the other moms responses cuz we did the same things. But for our son, we also think, like some of the other moms have thought, it was for attention from us. For him, it can turn into this never-ending downward spiral. So, we listen to it for a short period of time, tell him we don't think that way of him & then change the subject. We turn it towards things he's good at or another subject all together. We also make sure when he's done something he's proud of or has been trying to succeed at, that we give him lotsa praise. Maybe some of these tactics would work for your daughter as well. Hope this helps & good luck!

I would ask her why she thinks she is bad, ugly, etc. There is some thinking on her part about this so maybe researching a little on why she feels like that may help to understand what is going on.

YES, it can affect her this young. Remember, it's a physiological problem, which is why she can be affected.

Obtain the book Healing Anxiety and Depression by Dr. Daniel G. Amen and Dr. Lisa C. Routh. There is tons of information there that will help your daughter. I am using it for my daughter. I have anxiety and depression issues, and the techniques in that book I use, and I am also using on my five year old daughter who is displaying anxiety type behaviors. I had to do so today in fact!

Here is a link so you'll know what the book looks like. There is also an audio cd. http://amenclinics.com/store/index.php?main_page=product_...

Run, don't walk to a child psychologist or psychiatrist! Depression can hit at any age (my son was 8). The earlier you treat it the better. Also, check out the kids at school. They may be feeding this depression by not bullying but shunning her- just as bad. Good luck and act quickly!!!

My daughter, age 6, has done this lately as well. She is my youngest child and I haven't given it too much thought. I reassure her that she's smart, pretty, etc. Like one of the other responders my daughter is having trouble in school - not doing as well as the rest of the class. Not sure if this is related but we are addressing her difficulties with learning as well.

Before you rush your daughter to a psychiatrist I'd take her to her doctor and I think you'll find that her behavior is normal.

Hi J.,
I'm so sorry you are worried about your little one. We ache when we think they aren't happy. You have received some good advice so far and I won't repeat what other people have said already.

I think one of the most important ways kids develop self esteem is to see it modeled in their home. Try to be conscious of any remarks you make about yourself (ie. these jeans make me look fat, or upon making a mistake: I'm so stupid). Sometimes we set an example that we don't mean to.

Also, a friend of mine just reminded me that it is better to praise effort or process rather than accomplishment. If we praise the outcome then self-esteem becomes attached to winning or producing an excellent product. If we praise effort or process (ie, giving praise for not giving up on a hard activity, praising a new or different way of doing something) kids learn to be confident about trying new things. They are less afraid to make a mistake.

Good luck. It sounds like you are doing a fine job of parenting. We never run out things to worry about do we?

-C.

In addition to this site, I also think that you might get some really helpful advice by posting this same post to the Berkeley Parents Network. They have a great mix of professionals and nonprofessionals who contribute actively to that site. Email me at ____@____.com if you don't know about them or would like some support on becoming a member.

Ask her "why?"

This allows you to draw out the her thoughts and feelings without leading her in any particular direction.

When she gives you an answer, don't judge the comment. Just let her get everything out and leave it at that. Then work in different ways to have her see things differently.

Kids know you "have to" enourage them because you're their parent so, to a degree, they blow you off. I let them know what others say about them. "Your teacher/the lady at the store/etc. says you are really smart/well behaved/etc" so my girls know that the compliments are true and real and come from people that don't "have to" say nice things.

Dear J.,
I went through this with my daughter too.
She was completely adorable. Extremely intelligent. Very well liked by her friends and peers. But she was certain she was a terrible piece of junk. We lived in a beautiful home, she was involved in sports and school plays. But she was convinced that she was icky and couldn't measure up. Part of it stemmed from the fact that she was the youngest in her class and very tiny. She is 22 and still very tiny. They used to call her Mighty Mouse and she hated it, but I tried telling her that was not a bad thing. Obviously they got that she is mighty.
She also loved the show on Nickelodeon, "The Secret Life of Alex Mack." She SO wanted to be her. But alas, she was just her own little self and that was okay. I think kids often compare themselves to other children or what they have or get to do. But the key is letting your daughter realize how beautiful she is for her individuality. Surely there are things she does that set her apart and that is what life is all about. Being your own individual. She seems to be feeling, for whatever reason, that she doesn't measure up. But you need to find out who she is measuring herself by. For instance, Alex Mack wasn't a real girl. That show was not about her real life. Her real life was about working and pretending to be someone else and she had real parents or brothers or sisters to come home to everyday.
I also noticed with my son that when he gets caught not doing his chores or something, he will say, "I'm stupid!"
I just say, "No you arent and knock it off. You are not stupid because you didn't feed your pets, you just chose not to do it and you will do it now. End of problem.

You're daughter will be fine. It just sounds to me like even if no one else is doing it, she is trying to compare herself to other people and all that gets you is a bunch of heartache. She can work on being the best little girl she can be and have confidence that life is not a contest.

Best blessings and wishes!

J.,

Hi,

I would call the school psychologist and ask them to speak with your daughter. It could be a stage or it could be symptoms of depression. Get it checked out. Also, if she isn't involved in activities- get her into something she enjoys- ballet, karate etc. Those things always boost self-esteem.

Good luck!

Molly

I would try to figure out why she thinks these things. What's ugly about you? Figure out the origin. My daughter says she's stupid if she doesn't do well on a test, which rarely happens. That is with NO pressure from me about grades or school in general. I couldn't care less. I finally got out of her, "Well I'm one of the smartest kids in the class, I'm supposed to be an example." If one of the smartest kids had trouble with it, I bet others did too. So we had a big talk about it. It's a rough one. Good luck, C.

Hi J.,

Your home life sounds like a nurturing one, so try to breathe deeply and not worry. It sounds to me like your daughter is experimenting with the power of words, and fine-tuning her formula. My own daughter (who is now a monument to self-esteem!) tortured me by saying, "I hate myself" apropos of nothing at that age. Ugh.

I think you've hit on the key when you say, "I have a pretty strong reaction when she starts talking like this." You could try responding with, "That's not true, you're the smartest (prettiest, sweetest) girl I know." Then give her a quick hug, and turn around and go back to what you were doing.

Unless there really is a problem, she'll bore of the whole thing soon enough. If it doesn't pass, try to listen in on a few playdates. Friends are so often the source of this stuff...

Hang in there!

Hi J.,
I would say get her attention outward by having her do hobbies (or adopt one that she might like). Being a kid is a trying time and she needs to be pulled out of her head and doing things handles that. Try it, hope it works.

Hi J.,

Thank you so much for posting this, and thanks to all the responses, which I read with interest. My six year old has started this same kind of behavior.

In general, I don't doubt that her self esteem is pretty good, but I think the academic pressure of kindergarten (I can't believe there is any, but at least at our school, there is) has meant that she has to deal with the idea of being evaluated and compared to other kids. I wish this were not happening at her school , but I think it is the reality of schooling. And she is an only child so she is not used to being compared, even though she did have years of preschool. I think she is struggling with an environment where she is just one of many, and being part of the group is a lesson she has to learn.

Sometimes its clear she is talking this way to manipulate, as it often comes up when she is getting scolded for something. Its like she is going to beat us to the punch by punishing herself. She'll say, "you're right, I'm stupid." I've tried to do what some of the other respondents said -- tell her she is not stupid but that I did not like X behavior, and then try to move on and not play into it too much.

But some days I believe she is genuinely feeling bad about herself when she doesn't perform as well as another kid at this task or that. I think this is a life lesson too, although I don't always feel confident about how to help her learn it. I just remind her that everyone needs help sometimes, that new skills take practice, and so on, and keep encouraging her in the activities in which she is involved.

Anyway, just know that I'm with you! I'm especially concerned with a daughter, as we know that there are a million things out there in our culture waiting to convince girls that they lack value. I trust that our daughters have much more support and opportunity than my generation did, however, and that we can model self-esteem for them.

Best,
S.

You just have to counter it with you are beautiful,smart and loved everyday.Point out to her all the good things she does at home or in school. I would say it has to be coming from mean kids at school. Does she have cousins who might be telling her this? This is sometimes the case when they lose attention to another family member.

Next time she makes a self-effacing comment, rather than reacting, just curiously, openly ask her, "Why do you think you are ....?" Afterward you can debunk her misconceptions.

If she is just saying it for a reaction, your non-reaction will be a pattern interrupt that may stop the self-effacement over time. I would also look at what she's paying attention to in the media and the magazines.

With my girls I am always careful what things I say about myself in front of them since role-modeling is so powerful. My mother would say how beautiful and smart I was then would turn around and berate herself. Ultimately I suffered from low self esteem and depression by modeling her.

It could even be something seemingly meaningless that she has put a lot of meaning into. Like my daughter's pregnant stepmother asked her when her baby was due when she was younger and was about to go through a growth spurt so therefore had a little belly. This led my daughter to be concerned about her weight and looks for a number of years! (I was furious at her stepmother!) Just one little comment, made a LOT of difference.

A counselor is not a bad idea depending on what answers you get, but I would be careful not to jump too quickly to depression. Hopefully it is just a phase and will soon be worked out.

Hi J.,

Since your husband stays home full time and you work you should probably be asking him this question. You do not deal with you daughter as much as he does. If he is doesn't know....then your daughter is most likely very lonely.

Not trying to be negative, but you say she is dramatic and you think she is being manipulative. She is only 4 years old. Maybe you and your husband should rethink your roles.

Just trying to help,
Patti B.

Just out of curiosity...do you have any problems with self esteem/depression? I am asking because I do and am worried about how this might effect my sons self esteem. I have read a lot that many children with low self esteem and/or that talk down on themselves pick up these habits from their parents with the same issues. Even if we don't stand around saying "I hate myself" we send out clues when we do things like not doing anything for ourselves, making "no big deal comments" about ourselves, showing jealousy... Loving ones self is just as much a learned behavior as is anything else...
just my thoughts, thanks :)

Is she about to start kindergarten? If you say she is almost 5, she is young enough to benefit from another year of preschool or a young 5's class. It would probably help her if she is one of the older ones in her class. With an extra year to mature she will have more confidence. I teach kindergarten and I have never heard a parent regret their decision of giving their child an extra year of preschool.