When You Bring Your Child to Work as a Stay at Home Mom

He asked to go to work with his dad. The neighbors’ kids were planning a “bring your child to work” day, and he wanted to do the same. But it’s not safe for children to be on site at my husband’s job, so he had another idea. “Mom, can I go write with you?”

I don’t make a dime writing. There is a small stipend for the editing work I do, but honestly my time as a barista was more lucrative (though not nearly as rewarding). Right now I’m not making a meaningful contribution to my family’s income, but in my house, writing is my job, not my hobby. Because I love words, because I love you guys, and because I’m convinced words have the power to open our hearts and move us out of our cells of isolation and fear. Though it’s not a source of income, my family refers to the time I spend writing as my work time.

So one afternoon last week, my oldest son went to work with me. First he perused my blog, A Wide Mercy. Then I showed him how to write an article, choose and format images, publish, and share on social media. He wrote a submission letter (and even sent it, because I have very patient and generous coworkers), heard about the importance of editing, and studied my magazine’s internal database for sharing information. Then he wrote for a while.

Work has always been my biggest source of insecurity in parenting. I know all the arguments for and against mothers and work. I can defend every choice. Before I had children I loved to work, and I agree with the merits others have listed. It is good for children to see us contribute to a greater good. It is good for us to share our passions and talents with them, it is good for them to learn to be adaptable, and it is good for our families when we are energized and engaged with the larger world. In my head, I agree with every point.

But my heart was wrought with fears. What if my kids feel alone? What if they feel unimportant? What if they think I’m choosing my passions or the rest of the world over them? My insecurities run deep. There are many reasons I stay home with my kids, and most of them are rational and good. But I have to admit that one of the reasons I have not done more outside of my house since having children is that I’m afraid my kids will feel lost and alone.

As I sat beside my son that afternoon, I wondered if maybe there is grace even here. Maybe fear has dictated too much of my work life. Maybe there really is a way to experience the satisfaction of work, and the joy of caring for my family at the same time. Maybe, without realizing it, I’m already doing it?

I believe deeply in the Catholic notion of vocation. Our primary vocation as mothers is to nurture our families. But once we have established that calling as our primary work, isn’t it possible to also love and pursue other interests? It’s true my kids could feel alone if I were suddenly no longer a substantial presence in my kids’ lives, if my focus were to completely shift away from my family.

But it is possible to both work and keep our families our top priority. It is possible to be deeply connected to our children, and think about life outside of our four walls. The answer is not in choosing one or the other. The answer lies in priorities and balance.

Women talk about balance the way we talk about our ideal weight. It exists, to be sure, but no one ever seems to reach it. But I wonder if balance is easier and more concrete than I previously thought? I wonder if balance simply means lining my time up with my priorities?

Until last year, when I began writing, my answer was to forsake outside obligations for the sake of my kids. But more and more I see how that approach is out of balance, too. If I put all of my creative and emotional energy into my children, I create an unhealthy weight on my relationship with them. If I played that decision out to its logical end, I would soon have too much at stake in the product of my children, rather than the relationship I am building with them. If I am pouring all of my energy into their lives only, I would soon begin to weigh too heavily the fruit I see in their lives. That is not healthy for them, or for me.

Rather than giving up what I love for their sake, I am beginning to see a healthier way to live. I have already established that my immediate family is my first calling. With that priority in its proper place, I can see a new world opening up. There is more breathing room than I once imagined, more grace and freedom and many more options than I had thought. I can still pursue what I love and nurture my relationships with my children. I can work while maintaining a balanced approach to life.

I loved bringing my little boy to “work” with me last week. I had hoped it would widen his perspective a little. Instead, it widened mine.

I am Stephanie – mom to four beautifully rambunctious little kids and wife to a guy who still makes me smile. Last spring I moved to Colorado, where I fell in love with the mountain air and the Anglican church. If you have ever abandoned religion in search of faith, ever had to leave your hometown to find your home, or ever climbed to the very tip-top of a jungle gym to rescue an overzealous toddler, come sit by me. We’ll talk. You can visit my blog at A Wide Mercy.