10 Ways You Never Thought to Use a Tampon

Tampons might be the greatest invention of the 20th century: screw television, cars, the internet and iPhones. The ability to bid adieu to sweaty, diaper-like, sanitary napkins, and rejoin the active world with confidence even during that cursed week, is worth more than Google, Amazon, and Apple stock put together. For me, anyway.

There are many well known and valuable uses for tampons about which I won’t bore my three male readers with the details. However, I’ve recently discovered that there are actually many other benefits to the little torpedo-like goldmines that I bet you’ve never considered. Not only are tampons the saviors of bathing suit-wearing, white pants-sporting, yoga-practicing women around the world, but they are also extremely effective baby and toddler distraction devices.

I feel confident in saying that without tampons I would never enjoy a moment’s peace in the bathroom. I’d like to thank my one-year-old and three-year-old for enlightening me about all the fun I could have been having with tampons all these years.

10 Ways You Never Thought To Use A Tampon

1. As a toy sailboat – I once sat helplessly on the toilet while the baby tossed an entire box of tampons into the three-year-old’s bath. You know those little capsules that when you drop them into water they dissolve and a dinosaur-shaped sponge appears? Well, it was a lot like that, only without the prize at the end. Just a mess.

2. A dart – If you throw it just right, the wrapper can sometimes act like wings or a parachute giving the missile extra hang in the air. I’m guessing they won’t be replacing lawn darts any time soon, but as far as I know no one has lost an eye playing with a tampon.

3. A paint brush – Believe it or not, my kids have tried this; although it wasn’t paint, but ketchup, and it wasn’t on paper, but the dining table. Who says art has to fit within society’s norms?

4. A nose powered projectile – It never ceases to amaze me what a three-year-old will shove up his nose. For about a day after he discovered this skill, he ran around shooting snot-covered tampons out his nose like a blow-dart. Not very effectively, I might add.

5. A nose plug – However, even the most experienced nose-stuffer over-reaches from time to time. At least tampons come with a built in ripcord. I wish raisins did.

6. Sticks to build a house from, and then huff and puff and blow it over – I may have contributed to this game. Sometimes even the tampons lose their magnetic appeal and unless you want the peace to be shattered by the children’s resumed whining and bickering, you have to get creative. You should see my tampon rendition of Goldilocks and the Three Bears.

7. Confetti – This is the one-year-old’s favorite of the tampon games. He grabs handfuls of tampons and tosses them into the air like a cartoon millionaire showering himself in money. It’s better than bubbles.

8. A Sword – If you are within arm’s reach of a one-year-old with a tampon, you’re probably going to get stabbed. I’m still waiting for the day the three-year-old picks one up and says en guard. Note to self: show the three-year-old fencing videos on You Tube.

9. Great cover for any toys you want to hide in drawers or cabinets – The other day I found a jaguar in my box of tampons. Clearly he’d been placed there to guard the DVD player remote which was buried beneath him. We’d been missing that controller for about a month. Coincidence? I think not.

10. If you’re desperate, a snack – I don’t recommend this option. The dogs have eaten them before, and it makes for a very unpleasant experience during their morning walk the next day. I strongly discourage the baby from eating tampons, but it never seems to stop him from sucking on them like lollipops.

Well, there you have it. Ten ways I’m guessing you never thought to use your tampons. They are a cheap, widely available, compact, multi-purpose source of entertainment for young children. I know I always have one in my purse in case of emergencies. Next time you’re in a restaurant and your baby is fussing and whining because you forgot to bring a toy, just pull one of these sanitary products from heaven out of your bag and enjoy the rest of your meal.

You’re welcome.

What’s the strangest thing you’ve given your kids to play with?

Mary Widdicks is a 31-year-old mom to two boys and two male dogs. Once a cognitive psychologist, she now spends the majority of her time trying to outsmart her kids (and failing!). Being the only girl in the family means that sometimes her voice gets drowned out by fart jokes and belching contests. She started blogging so she’d have a place to escape the testosterone and share her hilarious life with the rest of the world. Mary’s writing has been featured on other parenting sites such as Mamalode, and Scary Mommy. She is a regular contributor on BLUNTmoms and has been honored as a 2014 Voice of the Year by BlogHer, and Badass Blogger of the Year by The Indie Chicks. Follow her on her humorous parenting blog www.outmannedmommy.com, Twitter, Facebook and Pinterest.