If Our Daughters Like Pretty Things... Do We Tell Them They're Pretty?

I was recently cleaning out my daughter’s closet and found a beautiful, ivory dress with purple embroidered butterflies on it hanging alone in the back. As I pulled it out, I saw that it was a 12-month dress and my daughter just turned one. As I stood looking at it, deciding what to do with it because we had no occasion for it and it’s really not my style, my baby girl toddled over and grabbed the dress. She made it very clear that she wanted me to put it on, saying “this” and taking her t-shirt off. She was giggling and touching the dress, clearly excited by its beauty. I stood surprised for a minute at her reaction but then quickly decided to oblige her wish to wear the dress.

As I watched my one-year-old daughter twirl in her fancy dress, I couldn’t help but tell her how pretty she looked. She was pointing to the purple butterflies on the dress and smiling as she danced in her room. “Oh, you look so pretty!” I exclaimed as she walked proudly in her dress made of taffeta and tulle. To my surprise, she reacted to my words, pulling her shoulder to her ear and tilting her head, smiling cutely. I laughed and we moved on with our day, my daughter in her fancy dress.

Later, I reflected on my reaction. I’ve been reading articles lately about how we should speak to the little girls in our lives – doing our best not to comment on their appearances. And I have always agreed, but today, I watched my own little girl, prancing around in her dress for the first time.

Of course I want my daughter to know that her looks don’t define her, but she was so proud in her fancy dress, how could I not comment?

Does commenting on her dress actually tell her that I value that above all else? At one, I don’t think she’s thinking too much about my comment, but as her mother, I am conscious of the messages I’m sending.

I hope that my baby girl grows up knowing that it is okay to be a girl and like traditionally “girly” things if she chooses. It is okay to like frills and tulle. She can be smart and strong and brave and girly – if that’s who she wants to be. And, it is okay not to like traditionally girly things, too. The choice is totally hers to make.

But I’m not sure that refraining from giving compliments on our daughters’ physical appearances and the things they like is innappropriate as long as we’re not saying that “pretty” is all she is, or will ever be. What do you think?

Kara Lawler is a mother, wife and teacher. She writes about the divide that is mothering our children while also mothering our spirit and the sacred on her blog, Mothering the Divide. Kara writes for the Huffington Post and Parenting.com and has been featured on the Today Show’s social media sites. She’s been published on Scary Mommy, Club Mid, and Mamalode. Come, join her tribe on Facebook.