Just In Case There's No Amazon Prime in Heaven...
This weekend my husband and I spent our first weekend away from the babe in two years, road trippin’. It was an epic 2-day 1,500 mile adventure, complete with enough junk food, Wu Tang and unnecessary swearing to give any collegiate football team a run for their money. But it was somewhere around mile 800 or so, when threading the needle between two GIGANTIC and terrifying thunderstorms steamrolling across the plains, that it occurred to me perhaps we might not be making it back home in one, unelectrocuted piece.
Spoiler alert: We made it. But our experience was eye-opening in more ways than one. Maybe it’s not enough to just designate a guardian? Maybe it is better to take it one step further and micromanage – and potentially undermine – every aspect of how this guardian may choose to parent our orphan by writing out a set of commandments less I be forced to Amazon-Prime them a Ouija board from the grave. Since I’m unclear if I’ll get Wifi on the other side of the pearly gates, I figured I’d better write it out now so Baby 1.0 doesn’t have any excuses for turning into a wimpy a-hole on account of becoming an orphan. And what better way to do it than like the 10 Commandments, because duh.
10. Thou Shalt Hustle Thy Ass Across The Street When A Car Stops For You At A Crosswalk, And Wave At The Driver In Appreciation For Not Running You Over
Which is to say, you must be courteous. While you are very special to us, you are not special to strangers. Don’t expect them to treat you as such until you do something to deserve it, like finding the cure for cancer or inventing zero calorie tiramisu. And if someone does do something especially nice for you, make sure you show gratitude.
9. Thou Shalt Take Care Of Your Own Shit
You are the captain of this ship, so be responsible for the choices you make. If you get a dog, feed it. If you have homework, do it. If you leave a few bites of a tuna sandwich in a Tupperware and forget about it for two weeks, throw it out and play dumb when someone asks you about it because really, that’s the responsible thing to do from an odor stand point. It’s okay to ask for help – we all need it from time to time – but never become helpless.
8. Thou Shalt Be Kind, Except When Dealing With Comcast Customer Service Or Murderers And The Like
Mean people suck. Don’t be a mean person. Of course we all have our moments, but strive to be kind more often than not.
7. Thou Shalt Not Text And Drive
This also includes drinking and driving, having casual unprotected sex, doing drugs, or participating in anything else that is just plain stupid, and/or illegal. Life is full of enough surprises. Killing someone, having an accidental baby, or getting hepatitis aren’t surprises you need to gamble on. But if you do…
6. Thou Shalt Be Brave
As I was saying, life is full of surprises and is an interesting, unpredictable mix of shit and sunshine. You never know what each day will bring but with a little bravery, you can face it head-on and deal with whatever comes your way.
5. Thou Shalt Let Go Of The Hogwash Notion Of “Perfect Love”
Sorry to burst your bubble, but there is no such thing as Santa, comfortable heels, or perfect love. But imperfect love is kinda the cats pajamas. Sometimes you will love with every fiber in your whole entire being, and that love will be returned. Sometimes, well, sometimes not so much. Love ebbs and flows, even with the most perfect of partners, and if you can find someone to work through it all, you have found a good match.
4. Thou Shalt Dream Big And Do Your Own Damn Thing
Be an astronaut. Be an artist. Be a farmer. Be a 17th century piccolo expert. I don’t care. Just do something that makes you happy. Even if it’s scary. Even if everyone around you is shaking their head in disapproval. This is your life, so live it in a way that will make you proud.
3. Thou Shalt Respect Technology But Worship The Great Outdoors
Technology is great, but the great outdoors is greater. Much like the footprints on the moon, your internet footprint will never disappear, so maybe think twice (or twice a hundred times) about posting that naked selfie, or those hilarious-at-the-moment drunken debauchery instagrams. The great outdoors, however, is much more forgiving. The lake will never live tweet your incredibly awkward and spontaneous skinny dipping episode. Your boss won’t find out from a giant Redwood that you think her daughter is a real b-hole. So use technology, but do it as sparingly as possible, and for the love of all that’s holy get outside.
2. Thou Shalt Not Ever Put An Empty Milk Carton In The Fridge
I shouldn’t have to say this, but since you have half of your father’s DNA, I think I must. If it’s empty, put it in the recycling bin. If it has 1/16th of an inch of milk in it, drink it, and put it in the bin. If you ever want to pull a really funny prank though, eat all the ice cream and then put something heavy in it, like a potato, and put it back. For extra points, put a note in there saying it wasn’t you. Just FYI, sometimes people can get really mad about it.
1. Thou Shalt Be Honest
Sometimes a little white lie here and there is okay. I got out of a speeding ticket once by telling the police officer my pathetic looking cat in the seat next to me was dying when actually she just had a permanent case of Feline Resting Bitch Face. But big lies are a big no-no. Although being honest can sometimes be harder up front, it’s easier in the long run when you aren’t constantly trying to remember your cover story.
Emily Ramirez is a SAHM to a rambunctious toddler who is probably digging in the trash, riding the cat, or eating crayons. She has a mostly humorous parenting blog, Hold Me, Don’t Hold Me, where she details her successes and failures in the parenting world. She can be followed on Facebook and Twitter.
