So, my husband and I have FB accounts that our own. We were hanging out and I decide to check out his friends list. He was sitting right there with me, so it is not like i was spying. As we were going through his friends though I noticed a pattern 1. He was friends with more then half of my friends. Whther he really knows them or not. and 2. He is friends with ALOT of female friends from high school and other things. some Have been GF's some not. I started getting really frustrated. Because, he asked me to remove a friend I had back in the day and he had also asked me to remove my close friend from HS. We walked together when we graduated. I am also maybe friends with two or three male friends from school and i have had them disclosed to him for awhile so he knew that they were there. When I had an old Boy friend contact me, he was furious. and told me that i was to delete him immediatly.
So, here is where my issues lie. Double-standard across the board. I can nnot believe it. A dont mind FB. I know we use it to communicate with friends and family. There has been a silent but huge double standard setup. It just took me this long to realize it. I dont know how to respond to my frustration. I have ''shunned'' him for the day..(we are really big fans of The Office). I am just at a lost for words. help shed light on this ffrustration for me.
libby
Well, do you want him to drop certain people on FB or do you want to add those he told you to drop? Whichever you choose takes care of the double standard. As to the reason behind the double standard....it sounds like he doesn't trust you which for me would necessitate a change on his part or a termination of the relationship because people with trust issues tend to make their spouses miserable. Good luck.
Have you asked him to remove these women from his friends list? Tell him straight out. "I understand why you asked me to remove some of my friends, now I'm asking you please to do the same".
If he doesn't. Then both of you need to get rid of FB and deal with your martial issued before they get completely out of control.
Talk to your husband and explain what you explained to us. You had no problem honoring his requests but feel he should have been doing the same as he has asked you to do. This may be deeper than FB so it is time for a talk.
If you trust him you may be able to let it all go. If you don't trust him then there is more going on than FB, and marriage counseling may be a good idea.
Either way I would tell him he cannot dictate who YOU choose as friends.
I would just open up his page in front of him and say click here to delete. If I gotta you gotta. Seriously high school drama that he would even ask you to delete men you know but since he put it put there you need to call him on the double standard. If he doesn't want to then re-friend those that you deleted.
Yes it's an unfair double standard. I'd let him that the girls from high school have to go because it's unfair that they are on his friend list but you had to delete all the guys from yours. If he's unwilling to do that then let him know that you will once again accept friend request from people you have known; male and female.
The way I see it, you have 3 options on how you can respond.
1. Demand: Insist that he delete any FB friends that you are uncomfortable with. After all, he made you do it.
2. Default: Be angry and frustrated by his double standard but suck it up for the sake of your marriage.
3. Relate Rightly: Ask him questions to find out if he's aware of the double standard and why he would get furious when an old boyfriend contacts you but think it's OK when he has contact with his old girlfriends. If you have a better understanding of why he does what he does, you can decide what's an appropriate response.
Personally, I'd be curious what's driving his behavior. Especially because he doesn't seem to be hiding anything. It sounds like he trusts himself but has some fear issues with you and your past relationships. Maybe he needs counselling if this keeps coming up.
So the question is, is your DH insecure, being controlling or were your past relationships more serious than his? It could be all or none of the above but if I were you, I'd want to know!
Have you asked him to delete them now and he's said no? My husband is friends with old high school girls and girlfriends. Even the college one he lost his virginity to. It doesn't bother me, I can see anything they write to each other if i want. We know each other's passwords and could check them if we cared to, but we trust each other so we dont. Sometimes if I'm bored in the car I'll read his old text messages, but since they're mostly from me and his brother they're not very exciting.
It all comes down to trust, and if you want these girls deleted, you should tell him so.
I wouldnt ask him to delete any of them and add back whom ever you chose, but dont do it out of spite. My bf doesnt have FB and I add then delete old bf that request me out of respect to him (and he doesnt even know it)
kay. double standard. controlling. nope. don't think it's okay. but you are married to him. unfortunately i guess you have to either try to compromise, or accept his "rules". one set for him, one for you.
My hubby is friends with a lot of my friends too. I don't let him decide who I can friend or not friend. It's not his choice, just like it's not my choice to tell him who his friends can be.
Be friends with whomever you want and don't let it bother you if he gets silly. It's not like you are wanting to go out on dates with any of these old friends anyway.
BTW, I had a really funny experience yesterday. I was checking out a friends "friend list", I have mine hidden but she doesn't. I was looking to see if she was friends with anyone I had not found yet. One of the guys I had a secret crush on at Church, way back in High School, was a friend of hers. I looked at his photos, mine are hidden except for my friends only, he probably had his privacy set for friends of friends to have access, and I looked at one of his profile pictures in his albums and said out loud "Wow, he's a really old man" then I realized...ummm, he's only 6 months older than me. But of course I am NOT an old woman. He just looked like he had been through lifes worst battles and came out alive but showing all the signs of battle.
If your hubby continues to be silly then block him. Change your password. When he tries to access you then you can have a discussion about what agreeable boundaries are. Then if the two of you can agree you can unblock him and friend him again.
Total double standard - don't put up with it. So the way you handle this is not by telling him to delete all those women (he won't do it willingly and will be resentful towards you about it) since he already did it - now you go and add all the guys you want on your list. If he dare bring it up (when he sees it) you tell him 'if its o.k. for you, then its o.k. for me' No double standard. Unless he decides to delete them all, you have the right to the same. Do not be a doormat, deserve equality in all things. He cannot say another word about it since he is doing the same thing.
I would talk to my husband about it. There should be no double standard in the house.
If he is unwilling to talk about it and you still want to be friends with those he asked you to remove, then that is your choice to re-friend them.
My husband and I have some mutual friend, but not every friend. That is kind of weird to me...like he would be spying on what I do, although I do everything upfront and open.
