Y - New York,NY

Well, since you asked....... yes it's bad, but the one on the losing end here is you. To tell you the truth, you do seem judgemental to be that annoyed by their thoughts, parenting and lifestyle choices. Mabey in the long run those people are better off without a friend that is that critical of people.

I am not trying to seem harsh, but try to remember that life isn't about you and what you like. One day you might end up needing a friend to lean on but there won't be anyone there.

Peg M. had some really great advice for you. I hope you consider her words.

How would you like if people ended "relationships" with you that way???? Reverse the situation. Not cool !

If everyone irritates you, you might find yourself a lonely person.

Hi,

I don't want to sound harsh but it sounds like you are being too judgmental of others. How are you making new friends with dropping so many people? Everyone is different (as you probably know from this site - LOL). We all have our differences that is what makes us human. If we were all the same it would be a boring world. Also, think about what they are thinking of you and your decisions. My best friend and I have our differences, but it just works. We learn from each other. My family and I recently moved to a new state and I am craving new friends, but I know it will come naturally. I have met a few women and we are all clicking. I may not agree with everything they say but I don't hold it against them.

S.:

You need to find an outlet for your feelings. Find a group of women who have your values, morals, etc.

If they are true friends, it is OKAY to speak your mind and say "I don't like that choice you made" or "I personally wouldn't have made that choice" you might find yourself in a deeper relationship with these women - as most women want honesty.

Avoiding someone? that's sophomoric/juvenile. Don't like confrontation? Okay. so drop them a handwritten note (not a text or FB) and say - this isn't working out for me - and BRIEF explanation as to why it's not.

If you can't do that - then seek counseling to help you help yourself. You may be stopping yourself from bonding with other people for a reason. Once you find out that reason...you will find yourself in a happier place.

well, i don't know about 'guilt' but your behavior is very immature, so i think it's good that you recognize that something needs to change.
no one will exactly mirror you in thoughts, actions and choices. this is a good thing. if we only hang around with those with whom we're in complete agreement we never have the opportunity to experience other worldviews and philosophies. and guess what? yours are probably not 100% *right* and you can almost certainly benefit from listening and learning from others.
so you should start by picking your friends more carefully, and then once you have them, to open your mind and be more receptive to povs not in line with your own.
if you do feel you need to 'break up' with them, be honest about it. you don't have to be rude or ugly, but expecting your friends to 'get the hint' and go away IS rude and unrealistic.
if you want more mature and interesting friends, be a more mature and interesting friend to them.
khairete
S.

Kinda.
Either you're not making the right friends for you to begin with, or you're really really judgmental and picking people apart. Nobody's perfect. You could accept someone for who they are and enjoy their company, which is what a friend does, or you can make better choices in who you choose to make friends with to begin with. Perhaps you have an issue with getting close to people that prevents you from being a friend and from having real relationships? I say that because you can't even get your big girl pants on and communicate to ease out of the friendship. Hiding from someone is kinda what I'd expect from a middle schooler. I have a couple friends that have nothing in common with me it seems. Sometimes I wonder how we became friends to begin with. I think she is a bit fruity in how she raises her children, but guess what? Just because our way is right for us (and I have a tendency to "know" my way is right, haha), that doesn't give me the right to judge her on what she thinks is best for her kids. If someone isn't bad or unhealthy for you, whatever. On the other hand, I've had toxic relationships, but I was a big girl and explained that we were really heading down two totally different paths and I didn't think it was a great fit for either of us. We're civil to each other and sometimes check in (like Christmas), but that's all. The cold shoulder thing makes me mad. It's one thing to not want to be friends with someone. It's quite another to disrespect them and make them feel small.

That is a childish thing to do. If you no longer want to be friends with them speak up about it and let them know. Honesty is your best policy.

I think its bad for a couple of reasons:
1) If you are going to break up with a friend, you should tell them why - not just start avoiding them until they get the hint.
2) At some point, if you want to have lifelong friends, you need to be more patient and accepting. These friends are accepting you and your faults - because there is more good than bad and its worth it.

I wouldnt mess around feeling guilty - I just wouldnt do it anymore. If someone is doing something that is a deal breaker for your friendship - say something. If its not a big enough deal to say anything about, its not a big enough deal to end a friendship over.

Your friends are from Pluto? Perhaps you're thinking of the word "platonic" which means non-romantic. Sounds like you may be a bit picky about friends, or not choosing friends who have enough in common with you. Where do you usually meet your friends? I'd try to make friends with some common interest - so if you work out a lot, make friends at the gym. If you like art, take a ceramics class to meet artsy types. Don't limit yourself to mommy friends. However, do keep in mind that not everyone you are friends with must be just like you! I have friends who do things that I do not agree with in terms of their parenting and such, who don't have similar ideas to me, but that is really okay!
You don't need to feel guilty, but what you might feel is lonely. If you're going to ditch everyone who doesn't live life to your expectations, maybe you should warn new friends of this ahead of time. The idea of friends is to have enjoyable companionship, so what they do in their lives when they are not with you really doesn't pertain to the friendship, if the friendship truly is platonic.
Good luck!

My personal opinion is.....it's ok not to like/get along with/want to hang out with everyone, but you should try to be open minded and realize that everyone is different, so no one will be the same, think the same or act the same as you. Isn't that a lesson that we try to teach kids?
If you are finding this happens a lot...maybe you need to honestly take a look at yourself and find out why you get so irritated with people.
Im not trying to be mean or rude in anyway, so I hope you don't take it like that. Just being honest.

Do you believe that your friends must have the same lifestyle, parenting philosophy, mindset, thoughts and actions as you do? You're in for a long life because NO TWO people are exactly the same.
You are losing out in the end because friends "enrich" each others lives, they don't mimic them.

You're asking a brave question, S.. There are some good observations in the responses you've gotten so far. I've known a few women (and men) in their 50's or older who are so judgmental they never successfully make friends. In their older years, some of them seem pretty sad and desperate.

Consider this: usually what we dislike about other people, we are rejecting in ourselves but can't quite face it. Not a direct mirror image, maybe, but something similar. This can be a fruitful and enlightening avenue to explore – people I know who have done this (and I'm one of 'em) have often come out the other end more relaxed, caring and happy. Might be worth some inquiry.

You should feel guilty about it, sorry. Not everyone is the same. That's what makes the world go 'round. I embrace my friends differences, it's what gives me an open mind and a different perspective. No offense but since you asked, they should be "breaking up" with you for being too shallow to realize that everyone does things differently.
Lynsey

Everyone seems fine till you get to "know" them. You might have intimacy issues and when you feel the friendship going to a new level you decide to backout?
Some people are just plain annoying after you spend a certain amount of time with them. It's not easy making a life long friend and this is why they are so valuable and should be treasured.

Sounds like you have a big problem with judging others. Try to look at things from their perspective and show some compassion instead of judging their choices. Everyone is doing what they believe is best, not everyone is going to parent the same, that doesn't mean you're right and they're wrong (or the other way around).
If you can't be friends with people who have different lifestyle and parenting choices from you you're going to find yourself very short on friends. In highschool you would have been called "stuck-up".
Just food for thought.

I have to agree with the others; honesty is your best policy here. Think about how awful it felt/feels when a guy dumps you and never gives a reason, or just stops calling you: you obsess, obsess, and obsess some more. It is so much easier to deal with if you are presented with a reason. Even if you wish to cut ties completely with someone, at least let them know the reason why. At least they won't be left wondering what they did wrong or if they should keep pursuing your friendship or not.

I find most women petty and annoying....maybe because many of them (at least where I live in the OC) are so self-absorbed that they STILL have tons of drama, even though they have NO jobs, send their kids to school and have 10x more free time that I could imagine. It's the drama that kills me. I have enough interesting things going on in my life that I don't need to hear about their made-up drama.

Immature or not, you don't have to explain yourself to other people. I have people I know that I have met at the park for play dates, etc and when they invite me again, I may or may not go. I do not explain myself. I am busy with my career, homeschooling 3 kids, being pregnant AND trying to be a wife, as well.

Melanie said that it's childish, but in reality, IF you were to be honest with most of them, they would be offended and then gossip about you for months since they have nothing better to talk about.

I have a "friend" who lives out of state. When she has come to visit (I won't allow it anymore) - they eat ALL of my food (and never offer to use that food to make enough for us), they have been on unempolyment for 2 years (even though both of them can work, but they make more on unemployment doing nothing) AND have not paid their mortgage for 2.5 years, but are still living in their home. Their kids are brats and sneaky - their 12 year old daughter stole $2 from my son's piggy band and I caught her. I can't even imagine how I would start THAT conversation....so I don't. When they want to come out and visit, I tell them that I can't afford to have guests right now. So, yeah, I blow them off. Oh well. Do you really think that talking to them is going to end well? I have managed to not speak to her on the phone and rarely e-mail her, but as a response to her e-mails. She asked to be at the birth of my baby and I told her probably not.

I don't get offended....ever, even though, maybe I should. If someone doesn't like me, then I'm ok with that. I am me and if someone doesn't like it, then it's their problem. I have a couple of friends - I'm all about quality vs. quantity. If someone stopped calling, then fine. People change and life goes on.

I didn't read all the responses, but maybe there's something deeper going on with you? My guess is that maybe you don't have any close friends--you're probably a little lonely and looking for friends to fill that spot. You keep making friends hoping to fill the close or best friend position, only to be let down. If I were you, I'd maybe try to get involved in some type of group or community that has similar values or ideas to yours. Maybe a church or community organization, book club, whatever. For example, if you're into natural parenting, hook up with your local chapter of the holistic moms group. That way, you'll meet some like-minded people, your choices will feel validated, and you won't expect your friends to think like you. And in the friend department, realize that you don't have to have a best friend, or even a super close friend--you can be friends with many people, but on just a social level. Does that make sense? Kind of sucks, I know. I have lots of mom friends, but not really any close ones. That's just the way it is, and I've come to realize we're all so busy anyway, so it's not the same as having a bestie in high school or college. My sister is my best friend now, and she lives far away. So I guess what I'm saying is, try to adjust your thinking. I don't think you're a horrible person, or you wouldn't feel guilty about it, or be concerned.

One more thought, could you possibly have a touch of post-partum depression? Only asking because, after the birth of my first, I had a really tough time. I wasn't diagnosed, and think I just had a slight case of it. But I was also trying to figure out what kind of mom I was going to be or was. I didn't know anyone who thought the way I did about parenting, and it was very isolating and lonely. To cope, I found myself silently judging other moms, my friends. Probably in part because I felt so alone, and like I was being judged. This went away as my son got a little older, and I got more comfortable with my own style of parenting. Good luck to you.

Wow, what a great question! First, let me ask you, have you ever been on the other end of the stick and if so, how did that make you feel? (I'm not judging, just asking). Well, let's back up, first of all, I think it would depend on what these other moms are doing and saying that are irritating you. If they are yelling at their children or constantly blurting out the "no" word and are doing things that are not condusive to a productive lifestyle, than I would by all means "breakup" with them and even if takes some time and effort, you will find other like minded people. I often get annoyed when people do and say various things (ie. come late or stand me up and don't apologize and then turn around and give me a hard time if I'm 5 minutes late - or talk about political things which are opposite of my views - I usually tolerate that for the most part but if they do it all the time or if they assume I believe what they believe or try to sway my views, then I get annoyed. And I have avoided people for reasons like that). On the other hand, I have been hurt when people I thought were very nice, start avoiding me. And I've had other moms come out and say "they have to be careful whom they associate with"!!?? What? (That was what a few moms said for not accepting my friend request on fb!). That hurt, ouch. What could their reason be? I'm an honest, kind, generous person. I have no real skeletons in my closet. I don't even j-walk! My advice is to just do what you need to do. The fact that you do feel guilty tells me that you are a considerate person.

Don't worry. I feel the same way! It's hard to find other parents who have the same values as you do. I have a friend who is like that. I try not to excommunicate her, but just keep her at arms length. It's definitely a challenge, I'll admit. But it's better I think to be friends and have people around your child with your child who share the same values as you do. Very important.

Just always remember that being a true friend means to accept each others faults as well as all the good things. No one is perfect! We all tend to say and do things that bother our friends at one time or another, but a true friend will not cast aside their friend for those faults. A true friend will take the other aside and kindly mention that whatever they are doing is very annoying or that you dont understand their mindset. A true friend will always be there for their friend regardless of lifestyle, mistakes made, etc. Your friends should be able to talk to you about all aspects of their lives without being judged or dropped. I have a friend that ive known for years, we are very close. There are times that she will get very angry with me and i with her and we dont agree on lots of things, but she is one person i know i can always count on to be there for me and i with her. No matter how many times we argue, we always come back to each other. I dont judge her. I try to understand her thoughts and feelings and way of life. And she does the same with me. That is a real friend and thats just the way it is! Friendship is a give and take relationship, much like marriage.

Good job doing some personal stock-taking!

It seems you are realizing that you struggle with judging other people and are easily annoyed. It is a good thing to feel guilty about. We all have character defects which we need to work on. How crazy to try to have 'good self esteem' when we realize we are in the wrong! Since I have struggled with similar issues, here is what helped me. I was told, "Make excuses for everyone else and demand perfection in yourself." I was previously always prepared to make excuses for myself and demand perfection in others. Keeping the focus of character development on myself keeps me too busy to let others' behaviors annoy me.