How Do I Get over Judgment and Meet New Friends?

Mama choices can make the great divide, cant they? Im sorry you feel so abandoned. You may find some like minded idividuals at hipmama.com they have some meetup groups as well.

A few things came to mind when reading your request...

First, TRUE friends wouldn't just ditch you because of differences in your families. Having a baby heightens your awareness on how different each family is and how people raise their children differently than you would do it. That's what makes us all unique. I know it's been a real eye-opener to me. We were the first couple in our close group of friends to have a baby, now two other couples have had kids, and even though we are fairly like-minded people (politically the same, all Graphic Designer wives with husbands in different fields, all of us in mid-30s and married for 10+ years before having a baby) we do parent differently.

That being said, it is odd to me that all of your friends have ditched you. I've heard of this happening when someone has a big change in their life and they don't realized just how different they have become. You might not mean to sound judgmental when talking to your friends about your parenting choices, but if they are constantly hearing about things like, how much better cloth diapering is (when they are using disposable diapers) - for example - then it might make them feel like they are being judged all of the time for their parenting choices. I'm not saying this is for-sure the case, but you should think about what you might have done to push so many people away fairly suddenly.

Also, I think the only thing that would keep me from hanging out with a true friend is if I think my child would be in danger by being around them or their kids. I could see where this might be the case with your friends when it comes to vaccinations. It could be scary to them, thinking they are adding a certain risk of exposing their child to a potentially life-threatening disease that other kids wouldn't have issues with. Just a thought.

You have a couple of options:
1. It would probably be a good idea to just have a frank talk with your friends. If the relationships are too far gone, this might not be possible, but if there are any people left to talk to, then do so before you lose them entirely too. Let them know that you want to know what happened and that you miss their friendship. Just know, you might hear things about yourself that you're not ready to hear or that might be quite hurtful. Don't look at that as a bad thing, it's information for you to grow from. :-)

2. If you're just too different from your old group of friends anymore, than you probably wouldn't be that happy staying with them in the long run, so now is the time to search for like-minded people to befriend. There are plenty of mom boards online that are very specific. I have friends that are part of SAHM groups, play groups, "Cool moms" groups, and baby-wearing groups, to name a few. This is the only board I participate in regularly, but there are many, many others out there. Do some searching online and I'm sure you'll find some like-minded women out there that can at least be your cyber-friend. :-)

Also, what activities do you like to do? Are you active in church? Do you have any hobbies? What issues are important to you? There's no reason for you to not get out (even to the park) and start meeting people that interest you. Try a class, volunteer, or even go to a gym - whatever you like.

Finding new friends is like dating. I've gotten to a point in my life that I am so blessed with a close-knit group of amazing friends. I don't set out adding to my circle of friends, but when doing activities, I end up meeting new people and find a few gems that I don't know what I did without them in my life.

Do a little soul-searching and see what is it you need and want in your life. Check out moms groups online and then look into what your town has to offer that you might want to be a part of. I'm sure you'll find people sooner than you think when you focus on who you are now and what is important to you in life. Be yourself and you'll find friends! :-D

C. - I hear ya!! My husband and I use midwives, let our girls self-wean, don't vaccinate, are in the process of switching to cloth as we speak, and don't really use cleaning products other than vinegar and baking soda (oh, no!!!).

We haven't specifically lost friends over these issues, but we have had many *discussions* and awkward situations with family and friends. I feel that the heart of the issue is that others think we're saying they are harming their children with their choices. No one wants to be told that, because everyone tries to do the best for their children. In my opinion, some just have more information on what is best, and some go solely with what their MD says and where the bandwagon leads them.

Our stance is that we do research, and we don't just jump on bandwagons on the mainstream side or the alternative side. Often our family and friends just don't bring up the issue while we're together because they know it leads nowhere, and when we do discuss it we phrase comments carefully: "From what we've read, we've chosen this for our child." rather than, "It's best to do this because the other way is bad for baby."

There are about 3 friends who are on the same wavelength as me, but it feels like a lonely world sometimes! Just know that you're not alone.

Please, please don't isolate yourself. You can find like-minded moms in La Leche League, organic food co-ops, and the like. You might also seek out other moms who follow the natural parenting model online. You won't meet anyone at all if the only place you go is the grocery store!

Hello!

I'm rather appalled at some of the lack of information previous commenters have about vaccines, so I wanted to encourage you to continue doing what's best for your family. Non-vaccinated children are absolutely not a danger to vaccinated children. I despise scare-mongering...

Anyhow, that said, I also am wondering if you were unconsciously drawing attention to the natural things you do. Not that it's a bad thing to do, I enjoy explaining why I had home births and why I potty my babies from birth, but I've found that it's very important to tell people about those things very carefully. I don't want to come across as judgmental to mamas who choose differently because if I'm even seeming to be judging of their choices, then they will judge mine right back.

I think sometimes parents get defensive about their choices and see judgment where none is intended so those of us who make unpopular, but well-researched choices need to be extra careful not to give the impression of judging those who do the mainstream thing.

The other thing I have learned is to not discuss vaccines with anyone unless they are asking for information in which case I point them to whichever book will best address their concerns. It's nobody's business whether or not your children are vaccinated. You are not putting anyone at risk for this personal health decision. If asked point-blank I simply say that we're "delaying." I don't tell them that we're "delaying" until our children are college-aged and can decide for themselves. I can't lie except through omission and I have trouble telling people outright that it's none of their business so that method works well for me.

Then again, most of my friends don't vaccinate their children either or they vaccinate selectively or they delay. With others who are obviously questioning the safety and efficacy of vaccines, I am honest, but not until they have shown themselves to at least be open-minded about the issue. I don't care to expose myself or my children to a bunch of scare-mongering nonsense from people who haven't researched the issue as much as I have (and I've researched it extensively).

As far as where to find friends, I've found that the local La Leche League meetings are wonderful for finding extended-nursing mamas and I've found that if someone is nursing past a year they are more likely to be open-minded about other non-mainstream choices. Likewise, if your midwife has any resources or get-togethers with other home-birth mamas, those going the home-birth route tend to be much more open-minded about other natural choices also.

Best wishes! I hope you're able to find some open-minded or like-minded mamas ASAP! It's not easy to go against the flow, especially without support from friends, but just remember that you're making the right decisions for you and your children and that's really the most important thing.

~B.

You just need to find other parents with the same values. As we get older and get married and become parents, we change. It is hard to stay friends with people you have nothing in common with, and how you parent makes up a lot of the relationship if it is a friendship based on having kids that are similar ages. Join the local MOMS Club, or MOPS and you will likely find plenty of like minded friends that won't be so judgmental.
Not that moving is an option, but you would be the majority instead of the minority in Portland! :-)
I too got a lot of flack for delivering drug free because it made other moms feel like I was looking down on them. Instead of talking about all the reasons why I wanted my kids drug free, I just stuck with the fact that I would rather endure any amount of pain than overcome my deathly fear of needles. I commend you for going with your gut and doing what you believe is right for your kids in all areas instead of going with the flow of what your friends do with their kids. You may lose friends along the way because of parenting choices, but it is worth it to be the best parent you can.

I would look for a local MOPS chapter. I am on the organizing team for the MOPS in Newberg and it is a wonderful way for moms to connect. Moms of all kinds, beliefs and parenting styles join. Go to mops.org and find your local chapter.
Good Luck.
K.

Well, your decision to not vaccinate your kids will definitely limit your choices as to where and with you and your children get to socialize with. That's a fact of life. It will limit what daycare, pre-school, school and colleges they go to. Fact, not fiction. Using cloth diapers vs disposables, small potatoes I made my own cloth diapers. Some friends thought I was crazy, but loved my independence and admired by tenacity. Breast feeding after 1 yr, again, no biggie.. some routines makes others uncomfortable, so be respectful and don't discuss them and don't nurse them in front of your friends. At 1 yr, nursing can be limited to morning, afternoon nap and night time. This is baby and you time, not a show of 'look what I'm doing'. If you had a home birth, your mid-wife must have other patients/clients that she can put you in contact with for some social interaction. While your choices may seem out of the norm, there are many who share your life style and choices. You do take your kiddles to a pediatrician for well baby check-ups, yes? Ask your doc if they know of any like minded moms. The diapers and the nursing are not going to be the problems you think they are, it's the lack of vaccinations that will cause some serious questions to be asked. Talk with your docs, see what else you can to do safe guard your kids and those they interact with. Viruses are out there, vaccinations just prevent them from taking hold in our bodies. Many have reasons for not wanting to get them, but again there are consequences, short and long term, social, educational, and healthwise. I wish you well!!!!

I can say that I truly understand how hard it is to make new friends. I lost some friends when I decided that I wanted to start living a life more pleasing to Jesus. By that I mean I quit going out drinking and swearing and other things. It is important to have friends that you have things in common with but people that are accepting. Where are you located? Maybe you could reach out to some people here. I am always available to make new friends!

I know how frustrating judgement is! I would recommend finding a local La Leche League group to join--you'll not only get breastfeeding support, but you'll meet other moms who share your same convictions and parenting style (for the most part). :)

Remember that you are following your instincts as a mom and doing what is best for your kids and don't give up on finding friends who share your convictions! I have found a great group of moms over time, but it wasn't sudden--I have found each one gradually and actually invited them to form a mom's support group independently so that we could encourage each other and share ideas that worked within our set of childcare convictions...

Take care and be strong!
J.

awww, that sucks. I was kind of in the same boat with my old friends ... birth choices et al became a topic we didn't talk about, so we are still friends, but with boundaries : P

There are more and more people coming to the same decisions you did. Ask your midwife(s) if they know of any supportive mom's groups. La Leche League is in a lot of cities, for breastfeeding support. Expect to take several meetings before you start to click with anyone. It might be a long time to feel awkward, but that way you get a better picture of who people are.

Some of it is just courage, you have to kinda say things that imply the rest of your lifestyle and see if any other moms in the room (waiting rooms, in line at the store, at the local community center indoor play-park) take the bait. There are natural-birth moms urban, rural, and suburban, super "educated" and super not, all ages ... and the nice thing about natural-birth(/breastfeeding/cosleeping/vaccinations/etc.) moms, they seem to be universally eager to share their stories ;).

Also, reading (at the library) or subscribing to alternative-parenting magazines (Mothering is a big one), you might see advertisements for gatherings and groups near you ... or if you find a local babyshop that carries cloth diapers, they sometimes have community bulletin boards that advertise events cloth-diapering type parents would like to attend :).

One thing, is that I find I can trust different people with different things, but there are very very few people I can trust with 'everything' ... and the people I can only trust with a little, they can still be good supportive friends, and/or a lot of fun, as long as I know not to push whatever button is the problem between us. (Of course, they have to choose to be.)

There is always the problem that if someone suspects they are wrong and you are right, but they are not willing to change, they will drive themselves away to not have to face that ... and it sounds like maybe that happened to you, again and again. I am so sorry people treated you so badly. I can't imagine, for someone as lonely as it sounds like you are, that you drove them away on purpose (although I can imagine sharing my exciting new thinking with someone and having them feel like I was attacking them ... that totally happened to me a couple of times!)

C., you are doing what you feel is right. Please don't second guees yourself. I was in a similar situation and then I found a local M.O.P.S. group. All the moms there have been fantastic and I have met some great friends. You are doing a wonderful job!
R.

I have a number of friends who are VERY VERY different from me and it doesn't impact our friendship because we don't push our views on each other. I do have to admit that even though we have differences over medicine and medical care, they all have (to the best of my knowledge) vaccinated their children. I don't know if I would withdraw from the friendships if I learned they had not vaccinated their children, but I do know it would bother me quite a lot. But, other than that, I haven't had any problem with my friends who prefer home births, acupuncture, etc. - and they don't have a problem with my hospital birth/c-section, etc. I think our personality differences make us more interesting - but we don't focus on what we've done/what we're doing.

I know how you feel i have the same problem afraid of getting hurt. plus i have the age difference i come to
find out there aren't many 43 year olds with a toddler and a baby on the way. but i just keep praying for help and to bring the right people and am I learned we have to take a chance or we could never see what where missing. i wish you the best and pray you meet some great friends who respect your ideals just as much as you respect there's we all have our own ideals that's what makes us all so different and that's important, just imagine if we where all a like how boring and also we never learn from each other.

Hi C.,

I'm sorry you're having difficulty with your current friends... although they don't sound like very good friends to start with, so maybe you are better off!

I just wanted to send you some reassurances that there are other mamas out there like you -- I cloth diapered, we don't vacc, my 2 1/2 year old JUST weaned... and I do find it easier to be friends with other mothers who have similar beliefs as far as parenting goes. It gives us common ground from which to start because, as a mother, that is very much what my life is all about right now. You can try looking for meetups on Mothering.com's forums (look for the "finding my tribe" section, and feel free to post asking if there are any Kalama/Longview mamas). I've met many moms who share a more "natural" style of parenting on there.

Good luck!

Just be yourself. People who are judge you and are uncomfortable aren't your real friends anyway! My kids aren't vaccinated and I nursed #1 for 21 months. I don't care who knows what my choices are, and you shouldn't either! In fact, my friends come to me because they know I'm smart and wouldn't make such decisions without knowing better, they ask me for advice on natural health matters. Be strong in your beliefs and make sure you're not judging their choices either. Wish we lived closer! :)

Hi C.,

I just did an event with La Leche League - blogged about it at http://tristansepinion.blogspot.com/2008/10/thank-you-la-... - but let me just say, there are SO many women who are passionate about the many things you describe. You need to go visit their website, look up an event or something and start making new friends. It's like buying a white car and then noticing everyone and their mother suddenly ALSO owns a white car! You'll find more people that share your passions if you get out on the roads they're on, too. So take all the energy you put into worry and go take action beyond the local grocery store - the world is a very big place and there's lots of room for all kinds!

Best luck to you,
T. B.

I gave birth to my son at home in water, used cloth diapers from the start, nursed until he weaned himself at 15 months, and choose not to vaccinate any of our children to which their Pediatrician's only comment was concern about enrolling them in school( which won't be an issue as we are homeschooling, though he is in speech therapy through the local school district for which I signed a waiver). We intended on having our first daughter at Andaluz waterbirth center but ended up transferring to OHSU and having a c-section, she nursed until a couple months after her second birthday when my milk dried up because I was pregnant, we used a g-diaper/ cloth combo with her. Our second daughter was a beautiful VBAC waterbirth, she is wearing a cloth diaper as we speak and will probably nurse longer than her sister did as she will be our last.
I had more support from my friends than my family for all of our choices since they are like minded but it continues to be hard trying to enlighten my family and the general population about our choices. For the most part we just leave it alone and continue to make choices that are best for us, if somebody asks I tell them but don't force anything on anybody else.

There are a lot of internet groups and local parenting groups that have people that make a lot of the same choices as you do and generally don't judge you for what you do differently as they are often also used to being judged.
I personally applaud you for making choices that go against the grain because it's much harder to do that than meld into mainstream society's opinion of what is right or normal. It's unfortunate that your friends are changing their opinion of you based on something that doesn't affect them at all but don't be afraid to meet new people. I wouldn't dump a friend just because they had a medicated hospital birth, used plastic diapers, vaccinated, and weaned their children from nutritious breast milk before their baby was ready, I might question their choices in or out of their hearing but I'd listen to what they were saying and continue being their friend based on the reason I originally became their friend.

I nursed my first child 6 mos, 2nd 1.5 years and the third 3 years. I wish I could have nursed them all for 3 years, however, I kept getting sick and running out of milk. I recently read int he Seattle Times that breastfeeding HELPS BABY'S BRAIN UP TO 2 YEARS!!!

As for vaccinations - you have plenty reason to be nervous about them. They only recently got thimerisol out of the vaccinations, and still you have to check. Last I heard the flu shot still had thimerisol (50% mercury) in it.

You can go on Dr. Sears web site - one of the most highly regarded pediatricians in the US and find his MODIFIED shot schedule. It's much more sane than the one that the doctors now recommend.

I personally think that there are too many shots given now. No one knows the repercussions of giving your child that many vaccinations and NO child should have a shot before age 6 mos. If you are breastfeeding, the child is getting immunity from you.

I don't know why you are losing friends. I think that when values are different others feel uncomfortable about it. Just agree with them to disagree. I'm on the old side of parenting, (2 after age 40) and it's hard to find other moms with young children my age, so I'm on the other side of the parenting dilemma. People thought I was crazy for having 2 more after 40.

Don't give up your values. You will eventually find people with the same values that you have - it doesn't always happen overnight.

No two people can judge each other because EVERYONE is so radically different. No two moms have the same birth experience - age is a factor, health is a factor, genetics is a factor. As far as medications and shots - there is a wealth of information out there - and go to a naturopath whenever possible!

However we can support each other in spite of our differences. God bless you!

I am sorry C.! Those friends were shallow friedns to begin with, if they can't support your personal choices! Which are all good, noble choices:-) Honestly, just like when dating, you need to find friends who like you for who you are! Keep being the best mommy you know how to be. Have you been to church? It is a great place to meet people. We belong to a very welcoming fun church, comprised of people our age with young kids, and we love it. It is in the Vancouver area. Message me if you are interested!

Hi C.,
So, I had Ryan at home in a birthtub with no medication almost a year ago. Other than the cloth diapers, we are on the exact same path... I took a Bradley (natural childbirth) class which linked me up with other couples that thought the same. That was a help - although I only kept contact with one other mom... I find it's hard to make friends in that people don't want to committ to a friendship, or make plans to grow one... I have been having a really hard time establishing a good network of girls to laugh and share child raising years with. I wish it were easier!

So, I'm sorry your friends have abandoned you. They can't of been good friends if your choices that didn't even affect them - made them turn away from you. Shame on them!

Wanna be friends?

Of all the things you mentioned that have caused you problems with your friends, the only one I personally did was continue to nurse after the age of one. I weaned my son at 17 months and was glad to be done with it since he started sleeping through the night immediately. I know there is a lot of controversy out there about vaccinating/not vaccinating and the effects on the community/etc. Without really getting into that, you parenting choices are exactly that...YOUR CHOICES. IMO, those choices are nobody's business but yours. If you chose to share them, ppl should not run from you just because they don't like the way you are parenting. I have chosen to vaccinate my son, but I dont' think I would tell him "i'm sorry, you can't play with so and so because he hasnt' had any shots"....I mean, there are lots of kids who don't get shots...whose parents chose not to vaccinate that we probably are in contact with every single day, so what if we know the choice of one parent? I guess what it really boils down to is it shouldn't matter what your parenting choices are. I can't imagine disolving a friendship because someone uses cloth diapers and because they are chosing to give birth at home. I mean, they are not MY choices, but just because it isn't for me, who am I to judge?....right? I would at least think so. None of my friends ran off when I didn't wean my son at 12 months...some didn't understand, but none just vanished. Good luck. I would try to find it in your heart to trust people again. Be yourself, and if that isn't good enough for someone, remember...it is their own insecurrity...not yours.

Hi C.,

I didn't read all of the posts, but I gathered that there were definitely some negative ones there. You seem to be very hurt by the fact that though you are not judging your friends for their parenting styles, they are judging your personal choices for how you raise your family. Where you don't find personal family choices to be a deciding factor in whether or not you'll be friends with someone they do. You must feel very lonely.
You are an incredibly amazing woman. The fact that you can make the choices that you KNOW are right for your family despite incredible peer pressure shows that you are a woman who has a lot to offer friendships and your community. Your being so strong in the midst of all this is an example we all can learn from. No matter what our choices in parenting. Thank you for being an example for all of us. I'm so sorry that it has come at such a cost to you and your family.
As far as finding new friends why not start in a safe place with like minded people. La Leche League may be a good place to start. Also, maybe go to Meetup.com and find out if there is a local attachment parenting, breastfeeding, clothdiapering, etc.. group nearby or worth driving to. A google search for doulas or a local cloth-diapering shop would be a great place to find some contacts!
I'll be praying for you and I hope that all goes well. Please feel free to contact me if you just need someone to talk to.

D. Rylander
A Blessed Birth Doula Services
###-###-####
____@____.com

I think you just need to seek friends that have the same ideas that you do. You should check with your midwife or birthing center or look online. It is going to involve work on your part, but there are lots of groups out there that support your same values. Check meetup.com or the La Leche group. Not everyone will agree with how you do things. I am on the opposite fence where I was in a group where everyone breastfed and because of complications, I had to formula feed. I know exactly how you feel of not fitting in. I was constantly criticized over something I couldn't even control.
Anyhow, Cloth diapers are no big deal. Breastfeeding after one is your choice, but a lot of people are uncomfortable with it. Maybe in that situation, when getting together with a group, you could feed your over 1 year old before you get together with your friends and if you child is hungry during the playdate or whatever, offer an alternate snack. Being breastfed at an older age doesn't mean that you have to do it all the time. You can set limits for your child too.
Regarding the vaccinations, that again is your choice. You are going to have to find friends that are in the same boat. It is a risk some people are not willing to take to expose their child to diseases, especially parents with small infants who haven't been immunized. You have to be understanding of that. If the kids are older and have their vaccinations, they are most likely protected, but if they are unprotected infants, you are carrying the risk of exposing their child to disease with your choice. I know that I tend to shy away from people who do not immunize since we chose to immunize, but it isn't a deal breaker either. It is a very touchy subject with parents, so find people in your same boat to hang out with.
Just remember that friends change all the time, especially when you have life changes. A true friend would be understanding at all times and support your choices. Just becoming a mother has changed many of my friendships, but the true ones are still there.
I wish you all the best.

C.,
There seems to be a theme in the friends you are choosing...
I sensed from your writing that you are pretty young, and I wonder if these "friends" are older-- maybe they move into a motherly role with you, which you then resent. Could you be drawing friends toward you that start to mother you? It may be helpful to question what initially draws you toward these friends..

The truth is, you haven't done anything outlandish- Many women support and encourage the parenting choices you have made.
Have you looked into some mom's groups? Maybe you could get on craigslist and start a young mothers group, I am sure there are lots of women out there looking for the same things you are.
I wish you the best of luck!

It's strange that your friends are responding this way. They're either bad friends or you were pushing your mothering agenda on them. Either way, it sounds like you need to look for mommy friends who share the same beliefs. Look for an attachment parenting group in your neighborhood. They all do the exact same things. The things you're talking about really aren't rare anymore.

I am sorry to hear your friends are shallow and don't respect your choices. I want you to know that I respect and agree with them (I am an old WFH Mom :)). It takes strength and courage to do things differently and you obviously have these to have made these decisions. I bet your son is super healthy. Good on you! I got a referral to a Yahoo group that is probably more like minded. I have been meaning to join myself but haven't yet had time. Perhaps you could give it a try. Email ____@____.com in there and stick to what your gut tells you!

God bless you! You are doing what is natural and good for your family, even though you are being misunderstood because of it. Have you ever been on the boards at www.diaperswappers.com ? There are a lot of other Mamas in your situation there. They also have a local forum where Mamas meet up sometimes. I am proud of you for folllowing your conscience even when no one else understands. Keep it up! :)

I bet your midwife could hook you up with some other moms who share your parenting choices. It's difficult when you've made choices that seem against the grain for most people. I've found though, that if you don't make a big deal about it, the true friends won't either. Sure, you'll have some that think you're nuts and don't feel comfortable about you. But, most people who like you for who you are, yet don't do things the same way you do will stick around as long as you don't make those choices a barrier to your friendships. A great blessing in my life is the women's group at my church. We are all different in drastic ways yet we've learned to love and respect those differences under the banner of God's love for each of us.

Wow. By "parenting choices" I was really expecting something much more dramatic. Are you pushy? I can't think of why your friends would be so weird about those differences. I think I annoy my friends when I talk about how great I think midwives are. :) I had my first two at the hospital and then I found out about natural childbirth (other than just the "drug free feeling pain" part of it) and am going to have my next child at a birth center. I would have it at home, but I live in a condo and really want more privacy than than that allows.

Anyhow...I think those ladies must be nuts. Join some groups, go to church...If you live in the Bellevue/Redmond area I can let you know when my playgroup gets together (which is sporadic).

C.,
I am so sorry to hear about how flaky your supposed friends were. I'm looking at the list of items and have done some of these things myself.(ie.,home birth, no meds.) Yeah, people still think I'm crazy and some even think I was irresponsible to have done these things but I have to remind myself that we made informed choices that were right for us. Even my "true friends" who disagree with my choices have not left me. I can't understand why friends would leave over these things. I mean if their kids are immunized and yours are not then what do THEY have to worry about... their kid has already had shots and should be fine. So what if you don't us dipossable diapers; who are you hurting? Dr.s recommend that you try to nurse for at least a year if possible as it is better for everyone. I would draw the line if my kindergartner were coming home from school and having an after school snack of nursing but,come on people. Have the conversations gone badly when chatting with friends on these issues? Are your kids completely out of control and you do nothing about it?... There must be something they are not telling you about why they are fading away... is it your choices or their choices in the light of yours? Perhaps they feel guilt over their choices and are less convicted around people who have made the same choices or mistakes as them?

Now, I have no idea where you are spiritually as a person but, I have to say the best place to meet lots of people in the same life-stage,in my opinion, is a good Christian church. When there is some-One greater then ones-self that unites friends then choices like cloth diapers and vaccinations are not enough to tear people apart. It only gives good fodder for conversation and a chance to practice love towards others who don't make the same choices.
I will pray, that you will find some true friends with which to share your life... they truly make "the ride" more fun.(I'm sorry we don't live closer, it would be nice to meet you:-)
Happy Friend Hunting!

I wish you lived in Alaska! :)

I'm going to send you a private message.

C.-
I know of a wonderful group of mamas who share very similar beliefs to yours. You can find them on the Andaluz Yahoo groups. Just got to groups.yahoo.com and type Andaluz in the search bar. It will be the first one that comes up. Click join the group and you will become a member of one of the kindest, sweetest groups of mamas I know. They have get togethers all the time, play dates and Ladies Nights Out. It's a great group to be a part of and would help you to meet people who share your same beliefs!
Good Luck!
-M.

Hon, don't you worry...from what you are saying...sounds like the people you thought of as friends, weren't really your friends. They sound as though because of their own beliefs, they disrespect yours. Unless you are forcing your beliefs and parenting ideas onto them, then there shouldn't be a problem. I have several friends who's views differ from my own when it comes to parenting. I've even had to step on a few toes to let others know that unless I beat, neglect, starve...etc to my child, how I raise my son is none of their concern. I too have lost friends...but now I realize who are my friends and who aren't. I have acquaintances and I have FRIENDS. I have just a few select friends, who I know I will be friends with for a long time to come. Sorry you have been feeling like this. Well, if you want a friend who will listen and respect your feelings and beliefs, feel free to write me. :D *hug*

Hi!

I can only guess, but, it sounds like the problems you are having with your former friends is cultural...instead of going into a long discussion about norms and fearing things that are 'outside the box' I'll only say that you should embrace all of these things you want for yourself and your children - it is what makes you special. If your friends can't handle it then it is their loss!

Keep calm and carry on!
*K

I wanted to respond earlier - but I was having some server issues.

I believe that true friends do not judge each other - and especially do not break away just because they disagree.
Most of my long time friends and I disagree on a lot of parenting & other choices - but we still talk - we're fiends no matter what!

I can understand them being cautious with their children - but if their kids are vaccinated - there should be no issue!

Everything else you have mentioned sounds wonderful - you would fit right in in Eugene OR!!

You should be proud of your decisions - hold your head up high!!! Go out there & meet people that are non-judgemental - they're out there!!!

Parenting is very personal - it's not a means of social status. People should never be compared with others - we are individuals and we all learn & develop differently.

If we were all the same - life would be boring!

I really like Donna's response about this. I respect all my friend's choices and viceversa, but I have to say that sometimes is annoying when somebody constantly tries to push his/her opinions or choices on me, honestly I prefer to stay away from this person...I've been in differents groups of moms (some of then are good friends) and so far nobody has jugded my parenting style, at least not in front of me...so maybe all your friends are not really respectful people or maybe there is something that you are doing that make them run away from you (and it may has nothing to do with your parenting style). My suggestions: ask for feedback to your friends, maybe they are just busy, and/or get involve in activities or places where you can meet more people (parenting classes, health club,church, etc,). Good luck!.

I am so sorry to hear this! They obviously weren't your true friends, or they wouldn't let that kind of stuff "bother" them. As for cloth diapers, that's just good economics. I myself used cloth diapers merely because we had little money, but it's also environmentally friendly. I also nursed my three younger kids well past their first birthdays (our oldest weaned himself at 11 months--don't know why). It's been proven that nursing is best for baby, so why wouldn't we? As for vaccinations, I know people who have their own reasons for not. Our midwife didn't and she has 8 kids. Oh yeah, I had our 3 oldest kids at home (the second born during a windstorm without electricity). Our youngest was born at a hospital, but only because she was footling breach, but our midwife came for support and because she'd had a c-section before, so it helped my hubby and I get a more personal take on the emotional, as well as physical, stress it involved. Anyway, all this to say that shame on those other moms for giving you grief! We are all in the same stage of motherhood and should support each other. This is a time when we all need as much support and encouragement as we can get! I don't know where you live, but I live in Lebanon. If we live close, I would love to get to know you. It sounds like we have a lot in common.

You can e-mail me, if you ____@____.com

C.

My first word of advice is to maybe see this as a relief. You won't have to be the one to say no to those people who were obviously passing judgement while calling themselves friends. I am sorry that your feelings got hurt, but in the long run you are probably better off.
I would recommend looking up your local La Leche League. It is a breastfeeding mothers support group. They usually have meetings monthly. They are very kid friendly. You could also see if your midwife knows of any groups.
Another way to go would be looking up Attachment Parenting groups in your area. Most of the women that attachment parent nurse their kids, co-sleep, go for natural childbirth, etc. Once you start talking to other mothers you will probably hear similar stories about feeling left out or actually being left out
You could also look into a co-op preschool for your oldest. At that age some schools will have a once a week class that you stay at. Most don't mind if you bring "babes in arms" using a sling, front pack or back pack. When you work in the classroom you meet the other mothers and get to see who your kids interact well with.
The park is another good place to start.Start talking to someone you see that is nursing or "wearing their baby" You might find similar people, making it easier to become friends.
Good luck. I am proud that you are listening to yourself and doing what you know is best for you and your little ones. You say you are a young SAHM, so be proud of your strength and let that love show. It is a very appealing quality to like your kids! I remember how hard it is to find friends, but it is very hard to have a large number of friends who don't parent like you do. Extend your hand in friendship when you find others who parent similarly, and you may just find that you end up with life long friends.Not everyone of them will become close friends, but they might introduce you to someone who does become a friend.

You are just looking for friends in all the wrong places, hon. You might want to attend groups like attachment parenting and later homeschooling groups if that appeals to you. There are also some La Leche groups that cater to moms with nursing toddlers. There are tons of people just like you in the Northwest, especially in Portland, Seattle area. I am a 45 year old SAHM who has made all the choices you have and currently have plenty of friends. My daughters are 9 and 4 years old. The four year old still nurses at night and we use a family bed. We are also a biracial and bilingual family. Good Luck!! the whole world is not conservative.

H.

Hello, and thanks for reaching out. I don't know where you live, but I know that in the Portland metro area there are many moms like you. I would look around and see if you can join any groups of like-minded mommies. I know lots of attachment parenting, family bed, long term nursing, anti-vaccine parents.

Also, look within just a little and ask your self a hard question: did they reject you because your choices are different, or might you have been disapproving of their choices or tried to convince them that your ways were right/better? If so, that may be the reason, not the choices themselves.

I totally understand where you are coming from! I've been in the same boat since my son was born in Aug. 07. Slowly one by one friends leave because they disagree with the way I choose to do things...breastfeeding, cloth diapers, avoiding plastic and chemicals. It seems like everyone has their opinion. I'm always in search of local moms who share the same values but being a SAHM I don't get a lot of oportunities to meet new people. Maybe if you're in the area we could get together some time. I live near Everett, WA. Email me if you'd like. It's ____@____.com Hope to hear from you!
-R.'

I am sorry to hear that, but this is a big word and if there is you i am sure there will be another mother just like you believe the same as you. Just me patient and just focus more on you family than friends. Friends come and go, and now you know who are friends, but the Vaccine thing is questionable, I been all around the world and seen what happen to children that are not vaccine, it is not pretty sight, seeing mother crys over there child dying in there arms because they are sick from the measles or some other virus or dieases. Like you said that is your deicison, just make sure your deicison or done out of love not out of what the public tell us not to do. Because as mother we can love too much and hurt our children in long run.

Other than that stay strong, you find someone, there are alot of women on here, shoot i will be your friend. I rather not have alot of friend, it is not always good to have alot of people in your life and the life of your children.

You just started the process and that was coming on here, and expressing yourself.

Although I had a full on medicalized vaginal birth in a hospital (I had a high risk pregnancy with twins) I am definitely not judgmental of my friends who chose a more natural path. I'm puzzled as to why your friends would be like this. I have tons of friends who did natural birth and home birth, and plenty who did not, and we are not critical of each others choices at all! I live in Seattle, where lots of people do unmedicated home births and whatnot.

I agree with the other posters 1. make sure you are not being pushy about your own choices and respecting the choices of others and 2. seek out new friends at La Leche League meetings and attachment parenting support groups, etc.

Not that you can guarentee with anyone you meet that they won't be judgemental, but you have to try. The outlet of friends, w/ or w/o kids is important.
Have you tried MOPS? mops.org should show groups near year.
connecting w/ moms having similar interests would help. I'm not sure of the best way, but check out mommy and me groups or maybe there is something posted on boards by Trader Joe's or WholeFoods.

those are not friends. you will meet people that will be your true friend. friends have differences in opinions but that doesnt stop them from being friends. -sorry just an opinion, no real advice

C., I'm sorry this is happening. I can certainly understand why a parent would not want her young child around another child who hasn't been vaccinated, due to the danger it poses, but I don't get the rest at all. Who cares what kind of diapers you use and how long you breast feed? In fact, I believe you should be commended for those choices. Again, an unvaccinated child does put other children at risk, because it takes a long time for a vaccinated child to get the full benefits of the vaccines. I would really encourage you to reconsider your decision to leave your child unprotected. As far as reaching out, I know it's hard. A real friend would support your parenting decisions, as long as they don't have adverse effects on others. You just have to find those real friends, and that takes courage. There may be parenting groups in your neighborhood. This site is a great source of ideas. Reach out. I bet you will be pleasantly surprised. Good luck, C..

I find myself following in your foot steps. I haven't even had my first child yet, but people think I am crazy for wanting a home birth and the fact that I plan to use cloth diapers. I have seeral friends who are also pregnant and on who recently gave birth, all of whom love to give me advice (non of them are first time mothers) about things like where to get good deals on diapers and which hospitals have good Birhing suites. When I tell them tank you, but I have al of the diapers I will ever need and an excellent midwife lined up, they do not respond well. However, I tink the key is to find friends who respect you as an individual. I haven't lost these friends yet over this issue, and they feel comfortable telling me that I am weird and they wouldn't make the same choice but it is my choice to make.

So I guess my whole point is that these "friends" that you lost most likely never respected you as an adult capable of making decisions, or else they wouldn't have bailed on you over something so minor. I would find a group that is centered on something you enjoy doing - a sport a hobby something along those lines. This will enable you to meet people with similar passions. Embrace yor identity, because the biggest error you can make is to compromise your principles to impress others. Stay true to yourself and like minded people will gravitate towards you.

And don't forget that when it comes to children, regardless of how unique or mainstream your decisions are, there will ALWAYS be someone who feels thye need to comment. Don't take things too personally.

C. -
Wow, first of all ignore what Karen G said to you. Part of the beauty of this board is to be able to give your opinion, not be rude.
That being said.
Your friends did not disappear because of your parenting style. They disappeared because you are young. When I was 25 I got pregnant with my first son (now 6), I lost every single one of my friends.
As a parent you start to worry more about your children than what your friends think. I could care less if my friends think I am a good mom or not (let it be known, I am a damn fine mom! :) ) It is my job to take care of them to the best of my ability and how I see fit. If they don't like it, fine, not my problem. I will find other mothers that I get along with.
Truthfully I only have 2 good friends. ONe that I get to see and one that I talk to on the phone a lot. There are other women that I see and like a lot, but I just don't have the time! Sometimes that makes me sad, but sometimes I barely have time to foster those friendships.
1. I would never give birth without medication either....props to you! I am jeleous that I only labored for a day and a half with no medication. Your friends may think you are crazy, but they are probably jeleous too.
2. I would have loved to have been a "green" enough citizen to have cloth diapered my boys. Again, they are probably thinking that YOU look down on them, not them looking down on you.
3. While I disagree with the decision to not vaccinate your child, I am assuming that you have done a lot of research and can back up your reason for not vaccinating, just like I can give you a good reason as to why I did. I would never let my child not play with yours, but, personally, I would be very nervous for your babies if they got sick.
4. I nursed my kids until 18 months. Some people think that it's wierd to nurse beyond one year. Screw them. Nurse as long as you want.
5. Get involved in a church. Go back to school. Get involved in a mother's group. (although, I have found a LOT of mother's groups to be very judgemental. And for some reason a lot of them cost money, huh?) Go to public parks. MOPS groups.
Good Luck. It sucks that you leave highschool and think all the petty, bitchy, snarky, backstabbing is behind you, and it really isn't. It never will be. Just find one or two good friends that you can keep close to you.
L.

I know how you feel.Although I didn't do the whole all natural thing when I had my third baby the circumstances around his birth and my (wonderful) relationship with his father, I've lost even my best friend.It's been very hard and lonely,but you just have to remember that real friends are with even if your not just like them.My son is almost 2 and I feel I need to get out there now and make some new friends.I'll just have to figure out how.

Hey C....

Sorry about your experience! I read some of the responses you received and was a little taken aback by the misinformation about vaccinations some people seem to have. First and foremost, I also choose NOT to vaccinate. It is a personal choice with risks on both ends of the decision. Secondly, YOU WILL NOT have to worry about school. Oregon has an exemption. You just have to sign a waiver. SERIOUSLY. And to the woman that says she won't have her kids around kids who are not vaccinated. I don't think she understands that her kids have now been exposed to the disease and that they can actually pass it to my unvaccinated child. If you are not vaccinated, it does not mean you carry a disease. I have friends who vaccinate, and I have friends who don't. Personal choice. I did A LOT of research before I made my decision. Good luck to you! Portland is full of folks with your same values. You'll find em. Peace

Wow, some friends! It seems silly to have friends dump you over those things, but it sounds to me like you need new friends. Where do you live? It doesn't sound like the Portland I know. I'm in North Portland and I can think of at least 4 people off the top of my head who've had homebirths. I can think of many more that have had unmedicated births and most people I know do cloth diapering at least some of the time and have at least delayed vaccinations. Oh and I nursed my first child until she was almost three. The second one is still nursing and will turn 2 next week. Like-minded people are definitely around. I would get a subscription to Mothering Magazine (to remind you that you're making good and valid choices) and go to places where you'll meet other naturally-minded moms and dads.

Yu can come with me and my friends for a happy hour!