Would You Still Want to Be in Contact with Someone Who Did This?

This sounds like a pretty normal 15 year-old boy thing to do. He wouldn't have had to tell you. I wouldn't base my decision on being in contact with him on this incident.

You know, it doesn't matter what I think about this. It's how YOU feel about this. If you can't let it go - then cut off contact.

But since you asked.....I feel that since it was 18 years ago and you were children, that it's time to move on.

It's up to you whether or not you want a relationship with him. He admitted it, so that's worth something. Since he grew up in foster care it's not surprising that he never learned to say "sorry."

I'm not excusing his behavior, but most 15 year old boys in foster homes would be hard-pressed to pass up that opportunity if egged on by other boys.

If you choose to have a relationship with him, he needs to apologize. So if you choose that, tell him you expect an apology. If he is the type of person who can't apologize when asked to, then he's not worth your time.

I wouldn't hold him responsible for mistakes he made 18 yrs ago. He was a kid in the system. There were probably a lot of things going on that led to that and I'm sure he regrets his actions. I'm sure he has grown and matured since then, because he was honest with you. He could have continued to deny it. I wish he would have been man enoughh to apologize. But, really, that's the only issue I see here. There are dumb things I did at 15 that I would hope noone would hold against me today.

You are creeped out but it is pretty normal behavior actually. I mean how many little kids watch out the window to see older sibling making out with girlfriend. and a foster home sibling while you can be close is not the same as a blood sibling. most foster homes are not long term your in and out within a matter of months. He may have been embarrassed to tell you especially if he liked you back then. there is a huge difference in spying on the opposite sex when your 15 and being a perverted adult watching children bath. so I think if your uncomfortable just defriend him but no I don't think its weird.

I think you need to look at the big picture. Will staying connected with this person bring back more bad memories than good overall? I gather from this post the answer to that is yes. If so, ignore him, or tell him you would like to move on from that time in your life.

Alternatively, if you think it will be healthy and worthwhile to remain in touch, and you two can reconnect and have and create GOOD memories, then stay in touch and move past this. I don't know what your life was like with this person other than the spying, only you do.

Regarding the apology, you may have to ask for it. He is probably embarrassed and hates admitting he is wrong, two normal emotions, considering. If you stay in touch, give him some time to really realize what he has done - the apology may come.

Best wishes.

he should not of done it..but he admitted his wrong doing. i would let it go. he is looking for someone that he knows growing up and just want to stay in contact.

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For me it isn't so much about what he did in the past (though I agree, eww, creepy) as his lying about it recently and not taking responsibility or apologizing for his past behavior. It's hard to forgive when someone doesn't say they are sorry.

Sounds like you still have different standards of what is acceptable behaviour. Personally I would keep my distance from this person.

I hope you have read some books about setting healthy boundaries if you haven't already, they can be useful, especially for those of us who didn't have normal childhoods.

I did some stupid things when I was a teenager. Nothing like this. But I knew of boys that would think nothing of doing something like this when they were teenagers. Did you ever see a movie like "Porky's"? If this occurred when "Porkey's" came out, then you can chalk this up to "monkey see, monkey do". (This kind of garbage is exactly why we didn't allow "The Simpsons" and similar shows into our home.)

He should apologize, but did the parents in this foster home teach kids manners to that extent? From what I've seen, not even traditional families teach that kind of manners to their kids.

Good luck to you and yours.

Yup.

The sheer size list of stupid things my teen brothers did would choke an elephant.

My own list isn't so short, either.

If someone were judging me based off of what I did when I was 15... well they'd miss out on the fact that I have grown into a pretty reasonable adult.

Yes he was 15 but also think of the emotional trauma he may have had. That should also be considered. If it were a teenage boy with "normal" childhood issues I would see your point but as I'm sure you know the childhood of an orphan is incredibly complicated and difficult. In the end the past can't be changed . You have to decide if you want an apology that could possibly negatively affect your relationship or let it go and move forward. In the end I think it is amazing you and him have overcome your childhoods. I'm still wrapping my head around my own childhood so thinking of what you guys had to deal with...... Wow!

he made excuses...no apology...would an apology make it better for you?

While what they did was wrong...they were kids...yes - what they did was wrong!! However, are you going to hold something you didn't know about - something that didn't truly affect you or hurt you in any way - over his head forever?

If an apology isn't going to make it right....tell him so and don't correspond with him anymore...

You did NOT know they were spying...right? He 'fessed up...press on and move on!!!

No, I don't think I would...i don't know how long you were fostered w this person, but that would affect my answer.

On one hand it was a very long time ago, but I'm really with you on the ewwww and creepy factor. What was the point in telling you?

If something like that happed to creep you out, I'd follow your gut....

I personally would not remain connected. Move forward.

My honest, honest answer would be that if it were me in that conversation, I'd think he felt a little guilt and wanted to get it off his chest but didn't know how. He wasn't related to you, it was a screwed up situation that EVERYONE was in to begin with for you guys to have to be in that home together, he was a normal teen boy in an abnormal situation, add hormones, innocent curiosity, peer pressure from the boys he's stuck living with......No, I wouldn't feel weird about it and I wouldn't be mad at him for it. I would be inclined to say that him saying "You're right, I could see how my spying might make you uncomfortable" was his way of acknowledging that it was wrong and his wanting to stay in touch and be friends....I would take that as him wanting some form of "family" or friend from his past that could stay. I don't understand why 18 years after the fact you'd be upset. I remember dressing room stuff happening when I was in 11th grade and the jokes and whatever that were ok, just "dressing room stuff" all in good fun........and 8 years later finding out that my friend was a lesbian. Which made it a little different, because it wouldn't have been ok if it'd been a guy (thinking attraction)......it made me feel strange for about 10 minutes. Whatever. It's the past, the teenage years are so weird and awkward even for those of us who have the "normal" average childhood. I got over it and am friends with her, and I think you should probably get over it too. Not saying this to get on your case----I can see feeling weird about it. But it was a lifetime ago, and I think the circumstances and what I'd consider guilt since he at least attempted to come clean would lead me to forgive him. Whether you're friends or not should depend on who he is, what your bond or relationship with him is, is he safe to be around, etc. Not what a curious or horny teen boy did under peer pressure from the guys that were already there, since noone was hurt.

You're thinking about this from a woman's perspective and as a parent. You're not thinking about this as if you and he were still children.

Second, he didn't have to tell you anything about the peepholes but he did... and he probably knew that telling you about the other boys and the peepholes would lead to you asking about whether or not he participated in peeping. That means that he probably knew that in telling you about the peepholes, that he would also in effect be telling you that at some point he did participate.

Third, the fact that he insists that he was only 15 AND that he says he didn't continue to do it shows that at the time he felt guilty. He came to know it was wrong in spite of it being like live Playboy in his home. If he developed a crush on you, or any of the other girls, he probably came to respect you girls enough to stop.

And since you're in contact now, he respected you enough to tell you what happened. That's my "fourth." I think it's also possible that an apology is forthcoming, but that maybe your rage and shock was intimidating to him and he wasn't prepared for that. He may need some time to get up the courage to apologize to you. I wouldn't block him just yet, although if you have him on Facebook I would probably limit his profile. I would want that apology too.

All that said, I believe that you're 100% entitled to feel how you feel about this. I believe your feelings are valid. If you choose not to continue contact with him then I would just rip off the bandage and block him and lose his contact information. Give yourself time to process all of this, and for your own sake, forgive him when you're calm. You don't even have to tell him.

If you choose to continue to stay in contact, be cautious. But I don't believe that with your level of hurt that you'll be able to trust him again. You might be able to come to terms with it and think about it in a different way... kids being kids rather than young boys being "sick" but you can't force it. Just give yourself time.