Would This Bother You? - Cherryville,MO

Well, since her and his parents pay for things perhaps they didn't have any money from the bank of mom at that time.

That would tick me off too. There's an old saying that goes something like this, fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. If she ever says anything about going out to eat again, I would be tempted to say that you are broke and if she wants, you will fix peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at home:)

That's what I'd say:)

I would be pissed simply because she was complaining about having no money - accepts a generous offer undeservingly from someone who isn't rich either - then goes on 2 very expensive vacations and a baseball game!

Oh, I don't think you need to get over yourself, I think she needs to get over herself.

Being irritated is a completely normal/acceptable reaction to your friend's behavior. Letting it bother you for days on end, not necessary.

Be proud that you & your husband can handle your finances without having to run to mommy & daddy.

Then, next time she wants to go to dinner, either skip the invite, or come right out & say, "Ok, but it is your turn to pay."

Oh, yeah, it would bother me. I'm a soft touch, and some people have no trouble playing on others' sympathies. I fell for the "I'm so broke" line probably about a thousand times before I realized that it's really okay to just say no.

Two of my three sisters have borrowed big money from me to meet "desperate" expenses, and then gone out and treated themselves to vacations and expensive gadgets that I can't afford. Years later, they have yet to pay back the thousands they promised they'd get back to me within months, even though they could see, if they cared to look, that I've been going without goodies they take for granted.

I learned. Sometimes that wisdom just has to come the hard way. Most people I know who chronically bellyache about no money have enough, if they want to prioritize their spending. Sounds like your friend has a knack for prioritizing hers, at your expense.

I'd like to add, I'm still a generous person, and this experience hasn't soured me on giving. If there's a real need, like disaster relief or a local food bank, I always find a means to give. I 'tithe' 10% of my income for such giving.

Sorry you got taken. I hope you can either talk to her about it, or just let it go for your own mental health.

I can totally understand why you're bothered by it--it would really bother me, too. You are living responsibly within your means and not splurging, and she took advantage of your good nature.

I would just make sure that any future activities you do with her are split 50/50.

And if she complains again about not having enough money, smile, and laugh like you think it's a real joke and say "You say that all the time, but you went to the Dominican Repulbic, to Vegas and to a Cubs game in the last six months! You're funny! Andy and I haven't taken a vacation from home in 2 years--now that is being broke!" then laugh. Then change the subject.

I have a coworker that cries poor mouth constantly. When it comes time to chip in for lunch, she conveneiently doesnt have her debit card or any cash and promises to pay back but never does. When we have an office gift exchange she doesn't participate because she can't spare the $10. When someone brings food she's all over it. SHe can't stop at happy hour with us because she can't afford it. And then BAM! she bought a $4,00 van outright with cash and went on a big family vacation a month later. My jaw dropped just like yours. So, this goes on for another year with her being so broke from the vacation and blah blah blah, till BAM! she bought a brand new Mazda. I figured it out. Her husband is a saver. He watches her spending very close. He saves diligantly for the big stuff so she has to forgoe all the little stuff. Once I got a perspective on what was going on I felt so much better. I don't offer to pay her way or share food anymore. It's not that she can't afford it. She's just choosing not to spend. So, if that's her choice, groovy. I fully support it. Heck, I even envy it. But I don't support her anymore!

For what its worth I would feel the same as you. Some people just go through life as users and she sounds like one of them. Feel good in the fact that you are the better person for living within your means and not taking handouts.

Sounds like her definition of "broke" is much different than yours..and mine :). It would bother me if it was a close friend, and I'd probably feel a little taken advantage of, because clearly they're not that bad off. On the other hand, maybe are really broke, and they're just not living within their means. If that's the case, it's not going to get much better for them.

I get tired of people complaining they're broke and can't pay for xyz (ie: the suggested donation to our school system bc it's suffering financially) while they maintain their expensive gym memberships, go on vacations etc. I know a woman who said they just couldn't afford goodie bags for her daughter's bday party, was that ok. Sure it's ok but she then gets expensive facials all the time, doesn't work, goes to the ballet constantly, stays on property at Disney etc. Drives me crazy. With a good friend like it sounds like yours is, next time she says how they're broke, I'd say in a light hearted, kind of kidding way "what?? oh shut up, you just went on 5 vacations. If we did that, we'd be broke too!" Something like that. My best friend is like that with money and I'm comfortable saying "well then don't buy xzy!! What are you doing??" I say it in a kind of joking way but I certainly don't act sympathetic or concerned when she complains about money. That helps me from being annoyed.

They're probably charging it.

Meanwhile, it's nice of you not to be mad that you paid. I'd be a little ticked off, personally. But you're right, you offered. Just don't ever do it again.

IMO if she knew she was about to go on a bunch of vacations, she shouldn't have accepted your money. Sheesh.

I would be irritated too. If she's a good friend though, I wouldn't make an issue of it. I just wouldn't offer to pay again. If she and her husband can "afford" to pay for so many outings & vacations, then she can pay for a few drinks. I have a feeling that the two of them are definitely living beyond their means, and regardless of how they are managing to do so much, i.e. credit cards, it will eventually catch up with them. I personally wouldn't enjoy doing anything that I couldn't truly afford. It's far more satisfying to live a simpler life free from financial worry. You and your husband aren't doing anything wrong; you're being smart. I'd say it's safe to assume that you and your husband have a lot less debt than your friend.

Yes, I have a friend like this, they are always mooching money off of people. There was a time I even would buy her groceries, diapers, gas, even though I couldn't even afford it... then they would go on vacation or buy new furniture, go out to eat at least 4 times a week, see a new movies a few times a month.

Some people can't budget, whine about it to get people to feel sorry for them, then magically they have enough cash to go and do fun things.

Yup, I've had friends like that and now I'm more cautious before rescuing someone from their financial troubles. I'm not surprised if your friend really is broke. It sounds like she and her hubby spend beyond their means.

Crying poor and being poor are 2 different things.
When she started commenting about how broke she was before your girls night out - I would have canceled it.
She can afford to go on vacations because she has you to fund her other outings.
I just don't enjoy being used like that.

I have been through this, Best thing to do ? RIGHT IT OFF! just remember this in the future, You are the better person for having a kind heart. Best and better to be you than someone like her. Just remember!! AND MOVE ON, AND DONT CHANGE WHO YOU ARE. Theres always bound to be a bad seed in every apple!!! And its not you! :)

It is still bothering you, because you feel 'jilted.'
And despite her groveling about their money situation, they have had trips.
And she did not tell you, about their upcoming trips, at the time. Even if you are her BFF or close friend.
So maybe, the idea of her being your best friend, and IF she thinks of you as her 'best friend'' is not the same.

Or maybe they were subsidized. By family.

You've gotta get a financial game plan so YOU tell your money where to GO every month. Dave Ramsay is a great place to start--especially if you're finding you have too much "month" left over at the end of your money!

Also, a gift is a gift, a treat is a treat. What you did was a nice gesture and your friend appreciated it. But since it's STILL bothering you, I'd say "Once Bitten Twice Shy" and "Live and Learn."

.

S., Be proud of yourself for being a generous friend and a independent adult. Your friends are still sucking there parents dry, when they should be standing on their own two feet and doing more with their time to earn their own keep.

They probably are calculating what they will get when their parents die. You might want to re-evaluate the people you consider close friends.

Blessings....

I am afraid that it would bother me and maybe it shouldn't. I know it shouldn't. Envy isn't good. Coveteousness is against God's laws. But human that I am, I do feel this way when I see people prioritizing things differently than I do and when I feel like I've sacrificed for them and some people will never reciprocate.

I haven't had a vacation since 1997. I can't even afford actual days off. The 2 days off I get per year are Christmas and Thanksgiving and I have to cook and clean up after the family and that whole mess on those days. My husband took a HUGE and expensive vacation last year. I'm envious. But his attitude is that I have my own money and I should figure out how to take my own vacation.

I do know we need to let it go because it bothers us and hurts us, not them.

Haha, your friend sounds like my friend. She whines about EVERYTHING (But doesn't do anything about whatever problem she is whining about). She says that she can't afford the gas to drive the 45 minutes to my house (I haven't seen her since January when she took me out as a celebration when I finally graduated high school), yet she drives the hour (Going right past my house on the way) to see a different friend almost every other week.

I still love her to death, but I'm with you...

Those sorts of things are annoying.

they probably put it all on a credit card or one of the enabling parents paid for it. don't offer to pay for her again and next time she is whining and complaining, either ignore her and just smile and listen or say something like, "well, you have more than we do b/c we couldn't afford a vacation like you guys did".

You don't need to get over yourself, but you also don't know the details of their finances.

One thing my mum always told me is that people choose to spend their money differently. Case in point was that we ALWAYS had a big house (we moved every 2 years). My dad would commute 1-2 hours to work every morning, and repeat in the afternoon so we could HAVE that big house. Growing up in a studio apt with his brothers and sisters and him all sleeping under the dining room table (okay, technically they put the table up against the wall skinnywise and slept where the table was in the daytime) while their single mom slept on the couch means to HIM that the single most important thing for his family was living in a big house with a big yard. To my mum, the 2nd most important thing was travel (1st to her, and equally important to my dad was that she was a SAHM). So we'd eat mayonaise sammies and oatmeal and ramen and tuna for a month to fund traveling. One of my best friends, however, always had new clothes. New clothes were important to their family, so they would often look at us travelling all the time and go ?!?!?! A SINGLE "seasonal wardrobe" from one of their kids would have funded 1 of our many travel outings (they bought a whole new wardrobe each season). Another one of my friends owned horses and they always had the BEST food at their house. They lived in a small house to support owning horses and diet.

Get all 3 of us kids together and there were things that (on the same salary) 1 of us had, that the other 2 didn't... that were *completely* out of reach for the other 2. Because our parents had different priorities. They ALL loved us, they were all responsible with their money, they just worked their finances differently.

Myself, I've got the travel itch as bad as my mum. I have yet to pay for ANY of my travel outright. I've gotten scholarships, I've gotten freelance work, I've even gotten a small inheritance. Not that (most) of these trips were free. But given the choice between spending 2k on a trip to Argentina for a month, or spending it on __________... I choose Argentina. ((Sigh... I really need some new clothes)). I DO have friends grump at me for not "being able" to go out when I then turn around and take my son to London for a week. Using miles and staying with friends, it only cost me $500 beyond food, which I'd need to buy if I were home. Which is less than those same friends spend on 'entertainment' over the course of a month. So I pass on girl's night to go ride the tube and eat chips. Ditto, kiddo and I spend Nov-May snowboarding (usually). It costs us around $600 dollars. That's less than $50 a month EACH! But I have people tell me how "extravagant" snowboarding is... and these are the same people who pay $200 a month for their daughter to take piano! $50 per month v $200 per month... but I'm the extravagant one :)

Now... the travel thing (that I travel on a shoestring, or get paid to travel) is just a fluke. The point is that we ALL prioritize our spending differently. AKA __________ isn't in OUR budget. Even if we'd like it to be.

Your friends may be totally irresponsible, or they may just have different priorities. I know I often treat friends, and vice versa. We treat because we know that x isn't in one of our budgets, but we'd like the other person along.

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You need to talk to her. This would bother me.

Not that I paid - but that she was complaining about how broke they were then they take off for the Dominican Republic, Las Vegas and a Cubs game?! (I wouldn't consider the Cubs game a vacation unless they went to Florida for the Spring Pre-Season!!!) If they are soooo broke - how'd they come by this money?!

I would sit back and say - darn!! Girl! how the heck can you guys afford to go to all of these places?! Make light of it - find out if the family bought it for them...but seriously- next time you go out - DO NOT get suckered in to paying for everything.

I know what you mean but feeling like "what am I doing wrong?" - I was at the grocery store a month ago - the W. in front of me was paying with WIC and food stamps - when she walks out of the store - she gets into a BRAND NEW 2011 Honda Odessy! (dealer tags still on it)...I CAN'T AFFORD THAT!!!

You sound like a good friend as well as someone who's financially responsible. Maybe what's bothering you is that you really like this person but feel you have very different attitudes about money. And maybe you--subconsciously--wish you could enjoy the fun of being financially irresponsible without all of the drawbacks.

I remember the years from around 2003-2008 when it seemed all of my neighbors were driving new 5 series BMWs and spending 100k plus on kitchen remodels. I was still running around in my 10year old Toyota van, with my boring fixed rate mortgage on my starter home.

Not to sound smug, but I didn't lose a whole lot of sleep during this last recession (believe me I REALLY feel for those, who no fault of their own, did)...You just keep doing what you're doing. The peace of mind is worth so much more than any vacation : )

It would bother me too... you just vent... I think most people would feel the same way. I think it will be your last time offering to pay for everything and next time she starts to complain, give it right back. We can't take any vacations let alone go to a Cubs game...

I don't know her situation of course but I think people might think that of us sometimes. We don't use any credit cards and are debt free but we are major budgeters. So if we have a major car repair, there is not credit card to catch the fall out etc. We may plan for months to go on a trip and we save diligently to do it and we don't touch those savings but then things in regular life might get lean, bc we only have available what we have budgeted for living. We always have financial goals and they are not just ideas in our minds, like if we have a goal to save a certain about etc, we are going to do it and just tighten our belts in every other area. Like we may go on vacation or pay cash for a car and then the next week I won't feel like I can spend $15 for a play date bc money is a little tight in the household budget. Because we use no credit etc I never feel like even if I don't really have the money I can just splurge. So I am sure sometimes it might seem weird to people that we decline an invitation to go out or whatever and then buy something nice soon after. We are just planners like that. Anyway don't know if that is their situation or anything but that is how we are. Sounds like your friend just lets you in a little more to their financial info but you don't know the whole picture and it can be hard to make sense of things sometimes from the outside. I wouldn't worry too much about it :D

I remember having a "conversation" with my MIL> She was talking about how they did not have any money they were broke. She was concerned because her daughter SIL was really having to cut back too.

I suggested that maybe they needed to have a garage sale, maybe cut back on the shopping. I told her about some of the specials I had been getting at the grocery store.

Months later she mentioned that she noticed my husband and I seemed really stressed. I told her yes, we were stressed. We were barely making it each month, but we were just working as hard as possible and being very careful and we knew we were going to be ok, but yes, it was stressful.

She actually got mad and asked "Well why didn't you ask us for money?"
I reminded her that she had said they "did not have any money". She laughed at me and said, "well, we are not broke, but we cannot go and buy the things we want and go on the trips we want to go on. It is just silly for you to think we do not have any money."

I told her, "when my family says they do not have any money, it means, they have less than $20. available to get through the week or month till the next paycheck."

So circumstances with money is based on the eye of the beholder.

I haven't read the other responses so sorry if this is a repeat. I have to admit I sometimes have the same frustrations when I see people around me that I think are in the same financial situation as me, but seem to be able to afford so much more...shopping, trips, dinner out all the time, etc. Come to find out, soooo many people are living beyond their means (not all), but it's possible that someone gifted the trips or they used credit cards...or they are doing pretty well financially. Just chalk it up to you did something nice for a friend that's struggling a bit and you had a nice time out. You said you adore her so do your best to put this out of your mind so it doesn't affect your friendship at some point.

Well, just make sure you don't pay for a night out again. The fact is, her financial situation...while it seems wrong to you...is actually none of your business. You are allowed to feel the way you do and to even question her intentions. However, it's silly to let it bother you. It's HER life, not yours. It's HER mistakes, not yours. It's HER business, not yours. Just live your life and do the right thing by your family. Let it go, it's not worth it!!

It sucks, I know. We're totally broke right now and our friends aren't. But being covetous won't allow you to appreciate all you have!! Jealousy is not worth your time.

shes a user and you learned a tough lesson. now you know they really aren't as broke as they say and thats not your problem. next time you hear about their trip and spending, or even if she starts in about not having money, just call her out on it and say "oh really, how did you afford your trips and your ball games?". Don't ever pay for anything for her again. Good luck.

You Bet it would Bother me!!!!!!! It wouldn't ruin our friendship - I would take it as a 'lesson learned'..... and listen to her whine for about a second before I changed the topic ;-)

You offered to pay, she accepted. Her parents offer to give her money. She accepts. She never said she couldn't afford to go out with you. You WERE out, but you still felt the need to pay. If she was out, she could afford it.

Almost anyone can put anything on a credit card, it does not mean they are well-off or can afford it. I saw an episode of Oprah once a few years ago where a family was getting a financial make-over from Suze Orman. On the surface they appeared to be living well - 4 kids, Mom did not work, Dad did, huge house in California. Mom constantly purchasing things for the house and redecorating. Taking the kids shopping to the mall every day. And yet there was no cash to pay bills. They had to charge their mortgage and other bills to the credit cards. Cash withdrawals were from the credit cards. They were in debt in the 6 figures (credit card debt alone, not including the house, cars, etc.). House was mortgaged to the hilt. They did not have health or dental insurance for the kids and the kids had major dental problems that were being neglected because they didn't have money for insurance or any kind of dental care. They were about to lose their house because they were so behind on mortgage payments and could not charge them to their credit cards anymore. They were on the show to get help and advice from Suze.

Her advice to them was drastic. They were going to have to try to sell the house and move to a more affordable part of the country. Both Mom and Dad were going to have to find jobs to increase their income. They were going to have to consolidate their debt and commit to making regular monthly payments to try to pay it down. And they were going to have to just stop trying to buy their kids love and their own happiness with "stuff".

Too many people today want it all without having to save and sacrifice- credit cards and people helping them out (including the government) make it all too easy to not be responsible. My husband and I have had both good times and lean times and have done whatever is necessary to get through. It will be a cold day in hell before we take a pricey vacation or re-do the kitchen or buy a new car while my daughter's teeth are rotting in her mouth (which they aren't - just saying). It's all about priorities.

So yeah, I could see where you would be peeved, because that kind of stuff really frosts my nuggets too.

Fugghedaboudit! You offered to treat so leave it at that. It is curious that a "broke" person would take those vacations and go to a ball game. Just don't offer to treat again. It's a lesson to you. You can ask her matter of factly about all the spending when she was crying broke to you 5 minutes ago. I would.

I totally get it. You are financially responsible and she is not. You buy things you can afford where they accept money from other people and probably charge the rest. Their lives, their choice, true. But sometimes it stings knowing that in a way you are suffering by doing the right thing/being responsible. You are sitting at home instead of out at the baseball game while someone else is out having a great time on money they really don't have to spend.

i know ppl like that,same thing, they complain they don't make/have enough are "poor" yet take trips, go to theme parks, concerts, etc etc...but i bet anything your friend and her hubby live pay check to pay check. I'm not judging, just saying, I'm also almost sure they skip a bill to go out or know they will be broke in the end if they go to "this baseball " game. I've done that too, when i was single... i'd say "hmm money for clubbing or payment for my phone...eh money for clubbing" very immature and irresponsible right, but a lot of ppl do it. I have family that are shacked up with their parents, don't have $ to pay for a bill but have money to buy the latest fashion or take random trips ... some ppl put it all on credit or just ask for "loans" which is pretty sad (they're digging a deeper hole)

If they have to sell their house then they can't afford to vacation either - they are just making poor financial choices. Be proud of yourself for not living beyond your means and move on...trust me...she probably doesn't sleep at night for worry on how they are going to make it...it's all a front.

I TOTALLY get what you are saying. We don't take trips or do ANY extra stuff either... EXCEPT if it is a family member who wants to pay for a family vacation (which would be us + other members) this has happened several times, and we are very grateful and they insist because we never go on vacation... Was it something like that? Did someone else pay for them?

We are always struggling financially, but somehow we make enough to have our heads above the water. BUT, I don't find it appropriate for friends to be freely discussing the finances. I have ONE friend that knows our financial situation well, and she only knows because I used to work for her and she is a financial adviser. Honestly, our situation is pretty bad, but it doesn't appear as so because we are very frugal, but still with good taste... honestly, if all my friends knew how much we made, I would feel they would either feel sorry for us, pity us, or feel uncomfortable around us.

I don't let finances, religion- OR POLITICS (had a friend immediately deny me as a friend when she found out my political views, and I had known her stance and didn't have a prob with that the whole time, but OH WELL!)- get in the way of friendships:)

You shouldn't be upset just know not to do it again. Its obvious you're not her bff because bff don't hold out against one another. If they are not like your husband & yourself so be it...it won't last long for them in the long. Then when the sh** hits the fan & they end up in a major debt hold maybe your family will begin to go on your little trips & outtings. Don't fret my dear, your time is coming for some good times as they are having except you & your husband/family will be at ease w/out any debt issues in the long run. Good luck!

well if they are having to ask for money they shouldnt be using it foolishly. they need to be puttin it toward bills and insurance and things such as that. what money i have, i pay rent and not spend it foolishly. they need to wise up.

S.,

I could see where this would bother you. Pretty much you feel you have been used. Nice as she is, she used you to pay for her dinner and I sense she played the "broke" story so you could do it. Does she cry broke all the time or just this once will help you determine if her trip was necessary in YOUR eyes. If this was the only time, then you can dismiss it as not having the funds THEN, but if this is constant, then they have the money to do what they want to do when or it could be they just came up on some extra funds to treat themselves, you never know.

So, next time to be on the safe side, when SHE invites you both to go to an event and then complains that she is broke, tell her "Let's call it off until we can afford to go"...

I think because you both are friends, you felt the need to go "hang out", but the hang out was at your expense and now you want to be able to go to a game and you don't have it.

Take this as a lesson learned and investigate before you invest. PS. Nothing wrong in treating her but let it be when YOU want to do so and feel comfortable...

it was rude of her to ask you out to lunch and then "hint" that she couldnt afford to pay, if she couldnt afford to pay her own way, then she shouldnt have gone out, much less invite you to come along, how rude.
and lets not even discuss all the vacations, i hope she gets a bad case of the runs, and a sunburn
K. h.

Short answer? No it wouldn't bother me because it's not my business. Longer answer, it wouldn't bother me because I have no idea how those things were paid for. Her parents or grandparents could be paying for all of those frivolous things, or maybe her idea of "being broke" just isn't the same as yours.

In the future, though, I wouldn't discuss finances with her. I wouldn't lend her money or pay her way. You might want to just start doing things with her that don't require having to pay admission or for eating and drinking. Or you can say to her ahead of time, "My finances are tight this month so let's budget so that we can both pay our own way."

Or, you know, stop hanging out with her. :-)